DP hit the roof over DD autism diagnosis

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Posting on behalf of a friend looking for advice.

DC 7 was diagnosed with autism yesterday. Her DP who is a doctor has hit the roof and is really struggling to accept it. He’s saying things like he might as well withdraw her from school as she’s never going to amount to anything, he’s embarrassed as all his doctor friends are saving for prestigious universities for their kids and now they’ll see his daughter as a failure and therefore him. It’s pointless continuing an education etc. things like she’s an embarrassment to the family and they’ve failed her. DD is behind developmentally but keeping up in a mainstream school. There’s not an “obvious” issue to those external.

im shocked tbh. And feel so sorry for my friend. They’ve had a serious row this evening and I don’t feel I can be the same with him going forward.

mg own AIBU is to tell her to divorce him! (She knows I’m posting this)

her AIBU is to basically tell him he’s being ridiculous and stand her ground

For anyone who can answer, just wondering out of interest, how is Down Syndrome and things like Cerebral Palsy viewed in Nigeria/West Africa?

We have a relative who's unable to function by himself but he has a PhD in astrophysics.

We also have 2 children who've been diagnosed and they're both highly intelligent.

Largely depends on the family situation. How it's viewed varies. If it's a well off enough family the child may remain at home with home care, and may even attend a specialist school. If they are from a poor family, they may just remain at home with no formal education. Worst case scenario is the child is abandoned, ending up as a street child or a ward of the state. It's very sad. But luckily, most people just keep the child home and as a member of the family, taken care of by extended family for periods of time. They aren't expected to contribute anything to the family.

He's grieving, give him time.

I’d give him time to get over the shock,
Loads of doctors and lawyers are autistic.
As well as PhDs in many subjects too.

As he is an oncologist, I wouldn’t expect him to know about ND.
He may even be autistic himself and the shock could be what! But my DD is my mini-me…she can’t be autistic because that means I might be too.

He is emotionally dysregulated and appears to be having a meltdown…

He’ll use a split to dump his DD.

A lot of people do think ND=factory second - they’re usually undiagnosed ND themselves.

I’ve been really shocked by idiot reactions from the allegedly educated and intelligent.

For fathers, it cuts much deeper - prob a self-image thing. If the DC is exhausting and difficult, that doesn’t help.

Suggest give DF time to get real - but not that much time. If he can’t behave himself after 6 months, he seeks therapy.

I see from further posts he’s Nigerian and I have no clue about that. But my kids dad took it really bad when I was getting our kids assessed. He was a complete asshole! He has came around. Can still be an asshole at times but he’s glad the kids are diagnosed and getting support.

“Is it a cultural thing?” was going to be my first question. Obviously it’s a terrible attitude, but more prevalent in some cultures than others.

What a vile horrible man! That would be a deal breaker for me.

FWIW my husband is autistic, was none verbal until mid KS2 age and now works in finance earning incredibly well. He’s amounted to more than most people I know.

It is genuinely depressing how many doctors hold quite insane views on neurodiversity, including the ones who have diagnostic responsibilities.

What an awful man, parent and doctor he is.
How terrible to value anyone especially your child like that.
And how terrible to think that anyway.
My DD2 has a diagnosis of autism, ADHD and severe anxiety. She is also predicted 3 A* and has just applied to Cambridge.
Oh and I am a dr and would be proud of anything she did because it has been so hars for her to get here

It depends on the circumstances really, is it an initial reaction based on grief that will settle down in a couple of days? It’s not uncommon for parents to have a period of ‘mourning’ that their child’s future isn’t what they envisioned. If it’s a deeply held and rooted belief that he doesn’t emerge from and shapes his interactions with his child that’s another thing entirely.

I think however it’s really unpleasant of you to take an intensely private situation and a snapshot of him possibly at his worst, most vulnerable moment. broadcast it online as representative of his entire worth - and of his wife to agree to it.

I’m AuDHD. I have 2 degrees and a career. At school I was often set work on my own and put in the cloakroom to do it quietly. Not ideal, but if I enjoyed it, I did it. Autistic people are all different. She probably doesn’t know what she’s obsessed by yet. When she finds out she’ll follow her own path. Contrary to what RFK says ND people have careers, pay taxes and have relationships. Medical dad sounds ill informed and yet so black and white he may be on spectrum himself!

Unfortunately as lot of men leave marriages when there is a special needs child then the mother has to carry the full load. Quite often being unable to work, and then getting belittled for being on benefits as well as dealing with the extra load of the child's needs.

Is that it's shock. It can be hard to accept that there's something 'wrong' with your perfect child.

I remember my uncle absolutely refused to accept his daughter's epilepsy diagnosis (!) Swore there was nothing wrong with her and that he would never give her her medication, etc.

Needless to say, he came around and spent a good chunk of his time chasing her with a syringe/thinking up ways to get ber to swallow her meds!!

Yes this.

He is Nigerian and basically thinks if you’re not a doctor or a barrister then get out of the family

I don’t understand any of this, or the embarrassment factor. I know lots of Dr’s with ASD and also know lawyers with it. In all honesty, I struggle to think of any surgeon I know without it and don’t even get me started on all the kids coming through now, they all wave bits of paper with lots of letters on them (seemingly to skive off the long hours and and so they don’t have any stress in what is an intensive training program with long hours and bucket loads of stress🙄). Surely, he would be well aware of this in the medical profession unless he has been living under a rock.

I have one with ASD (plus many other letters to cover all their other bits and bobs), and they did a highly sought after degree and have a successful professional life, and all of their friends have at least ASD but have also gone on to do well in life work wise, so this man has no idea what he is talking about.

Don’t get me wrong though, I don’t think that all people with ASD will become doctors, lawyers or astronauts etc. I have a friend with a child with ASD who is institutionalised, can’t talk, is not toilet trained (they are mid-20’s), is violent and basically has to live chemically sedated for their own safety and for those around them. That’s where the whole ASD title is not helpful at all lumping everyone into the same descriptor.

Besides which, it’s all quite moot anyway, maybe his child won’t want to be a doctor or barrister, maybe be they will want to be an archeologist or aeronautical engineer, or a train driver etc.

Does he often display rigid thinking and an inability to accept other viewpoints?

He of all professions should be aware and understanding of ASD and ADHD. He may try tactics to ignore it, seek out what " make the child better" or blame his partner or focus on the siblings to fulfil his dreams. He has a horrendous attitude to neurodivergent people. This is what neurodivergent people have to tolerate from those who do not understand or " see failure". I would be heartbroken for a child that a father or mother would have this attitude. He will have to learn to accept the diagnosis if not it would be a deal breaker.

There are many people from Nigeria that would see an ASD diagnosis as a disaster and something to mourn regardless of their levels of education and "knowing better". It's more than likely he already knew but seeing it on paper has crystallised it for him. He's clearly very much in the wrong here but culturally I see why he is struggling. I hope he is able to figure out a way to support is child.

Yup. The first person in my family to have a formal diagnosis was my cousin's son. He's now an electrical engineer, living in a house which he has bought outright.

Sounds like he needs to be tested for ASD

He sounds like a snob who cares far too much about what people think. She's 7 and I can guarantee that his colleagues cannot possibly know whether their children of a similar age will be academic high performers in high school and onto university. I imagine that he has a few autism traits as well - his inflexible attitude for a start. My husband initially found our son's ADHD diagnosis challenging and hard to accept but he never behaved like this My husband is on the autism spectrum and, frankly, so were about half of his colleagues in a hard science. I am a lawyer and many of my colleagues also have children on the spectrum so I am amazed that his colleagues all have very academic neurotypical children cut out for prestigious universities.

Your friend should contact the charity, Oak Konsult, it's founder is a Nigerian lady who helps Nigerian and BAME families come to terms with a SEND diagnosis. She is also building a school in Nigeria for SEND children & is an amazing woman. Please ask your friend to contact Oak Konsuling as they'll be well placed to support her.

https://oakonsult.org/

My husband is a medical consultant. His attention to detail is mind boggling and he can remember so much detail too. Course that’s perfect for medicine. It’s also incredibly autistic too! He’s never been diagnosed but recognises it.

Our son is dyspraxic and I reckon has a touch of ADHD chucked in the mix. He’s the opposite of my husband.

I think my husband probably had silent expectations of our son, ones he could never live up to, and he’s certainly not able to keep up with his colleagues with their so called perfect children. But big deal, people have their own strengths and weaknesses and he’s never said anything.

I know what this persons colleagues will be seemingly like. Super academic kids, lots of clubs, achievements etc, all stuff he will feel like he should live up to. Medicine is very middle class competitive parent! It’s probably that.

Ironically ASD diagnosis isn’t a barrier to achievement. As many say it’s way over represented in medicine and in selective schools. So academic achievement should still be absolutely doable.