DP hit the roof over DD autism diagnosis

[Shitshowcentral]

Posting on behalf of a friend looking for advice.

DC 7 was diagnosed with autism yesterday. Her DP who is a doctor has hit the roof and is really struggling to accept it. He’s saying things like he might as well withdraw her from school as she’s never going to amount to anything, he’s embarrassed as all his doctor friends are saving for prestigious universities for their kids and now they’ll see his daughter as a failure and therefore him. It’s pointless continuing an education etc. things like she’s an embarrassment to the family and they’ve failed her. DD is behind developmentally but keeping up in a mainstream school. There’s not an “obvious” issue to those external.

im shocked tbh. And feel so sorry for my friend. They’ve had a serious row this evening and I don’t feel I can be the same with him going forward.

mg own AIBU is to tell her to divorce him! (She knows I’m posting this)

her AIBU is to basically tell him he’s being ridiculous and stand her ground

My DS was diagnosed at 3 but I knew long before that, I am a psychiatrist with plenty of experience of people on the spectrum. My DH (non medical) refused to accept it when I told him and we had a very bad time over that (big rows, him being very rude about my skills etc, because he really didn't want to believe it). I thought very seriously about walking away from him.

He later redeemed himself. After the formal diagnosis he fully accepted my judgement about what we should do. He gave up his career forever and stayed at home while we ran an intensive ABA programme at home and school, for 7 years. We nearly went bankrupt but he was steadfast in his commitment to the programme. So the initial response can be from shock/grief (which I experienced too but reacted to differently). I never remind DH about his terrible behaviour at the beginning.

Not nieve at all.
Some kids are just the product of crap parenting but many are not.
I was just slightly taken aback that everyone is piling on to the DP about his attitude when no one picked up that his friend cohort have added to these feelings.

Witchcraft and demonic possession.

basically.

Fucking revolting man. Signed, an autistic doctor married to another autistic doctor

Im sceptical this happened.

Yes, in rural areas typical stims like flapping or spinning could get you basically tied to a tree your whole life.

What an appalling reaction. How is he going to treat his own child in the future. A parent's love and support should be a given.

Well, as I said, it’s very prevalent amongst many many professions. Including healthcare professionals

I think it’s really important ( and should be in the OP) that the doctor is from Nigeria.

He needs to be educated, but in Nigeria these things either “ don’t exist”, or the children are abandoned or worse.

Albino people are seen as witch craft. People have their foreheads sliced in the name of exorcisms.

Parents get irate if a special need is suggested by teachers.

And yes that is awful, his reaction is awful, but that’s what he’s known. Most of us would react the same IF that was our cultural experience.

This doesn’t make his reaction ok, but it’s context and with that context hopefully his wife and him can find some support.

@Shitshowcentral did your friends husband ever come around and stop being an absolute wet wipe? I hope your friend and her DD have all the love and support they need and are doing amazingly.