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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP hit the roof over DD autism diagnosis

185 replies

Shitshowcentral · 04/10/2025 21:34

Posting on behalf of a friend looking for advice.

DC 7 was diagnosed with autism yesterday. Her DP who is a doctor has hit the roof and is really struggling to accept it. He’s saying things like he might as well withdraw her from school as she’s never going to amount to anything, he’s embarrassed as all his doctor friends are saving for prestigious universities for their kids and now they’ll see his daughter as a failure and therefore him. It’s pointless continuing an education etc. things like she’s an embarrassment to the family and they’ve failed her. DD is behind developmentally but keeping up in a mainstream school. There’s not an “obvious” issue to those external.

im shocked tbh. And feel so sorry for my friend. They’ve had a serious row this evening and I don’t feel I can be the same with him going forward.

mg own AIBU is to tell her to divorce him! (She knows I’m posting this)

her AIBU is to basically tell him he’s being ridiculous and stand her ground

OP posts:
TLOAS · 04/10/2025 23:05

I’m going to go against the grain here.

I work with children and have worked closely to families whose children were on the pathway. A lot of those parents acted like this and struggled with the diagnosis. I’d give him a bit of time. Of course if he persists then I’d reevaluate, but a lot of parents feel they are mourning the life they imagined for their child. One without struggles they know they will have.

Dannydevitoiloveyourart · 04/10/2025 23:05

Ali91 · 04/10/2025 22:29

That must be really difficult 💐

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It’s not too bad- I’m used to it. The difficulty is in shaking off those beliefs myself. Despite being diagnosed I didn’t get help, take medication, seek accommodations or tell work/ anyone I had adhd for many years. As I also had internalised the stigma.

I know my parents just wanted the best for me, and that they are a product of the culture and harsh environments in which they were raised. In a country like Nigeria, ensuring stability for your family’s future is the biggest privilege and guarantee of long term wellbeing in a country with political, economic and social instability. I’m glad that I have a profession that I can always fall back on in tough times- my parents made a lot of sacrifices to make that possible for me. So I understand their refusal to acknowledge my ADHD- they didn’t want to risk my future by doing so (even if that fear is from ignorance and harmful beliefs about neurodiversity).

WiseAdviceNeededPlease · 04/10/2025 23:08

TeaForTheTillermanSteakForTheSun · 04/10/2025 22:31

He didn't do any high school exams, he left to be home schooled at 11 because he was really struggling in the school system.

When he was 16 he went to college to do a future focus course, which is basically modules of a little bit of everything, when he passed that course after a year he was able to apply for the college course he really wanted to do, 2 years of that and he passed and got accepted into uni, he's now 21, in his second year.

It took him a bit longer due to the extra year doing the additional course at college, however I don't think he would have gone at all had I forced him to stay on at school.

He's absolutely thriving at uni in a way he never did at school, even college was a world away from school.

It's so hard, and I remember for years I was tearing my hair out thinking I messed up his life by pulling him out of school, feeling guilty about the way it 'should' have been, but, thankfully its all paid off now.

Show quote history

Thank you so much this gives me hope, I'm at the tearing my hair out stage.
Apologies OP I don't want to divert the thread but had trouble with the PM which doesn't seem to be working for me.

Theunamedcat · 04/10/2025 23:08

My autistic daughter went to university and holds two degrees my autistic son will probably never be able to take GCSES

It's not set in stone

Greenwitchart · 04/10/2025 23:09

Appalling. Of course she should divorce him.

NeonFish · 04/10/2025 23:09

LovingLimePeer · 04/10/2025 22:02

He's probably just in shock and heartbroken at feeling like he can't hold the same expectations for his child. It may be a grief reaction, which I understand (even if I wouldn't condone what he is saying). If things aren't settling down within a few weeks, then my opinion would drastically alter.

I don't think anyone should insert themselves by telling a friend to divorce their partner. It's a very Mumsnet (i.e. unhelpful) thing to do and likely to lead to friendship breakdown if/when the husband comes round and starts behaving rationally.

Read the OP's other posts on the thread. He is a narcissist who thinks if you're not a doctor or barrister you are nothing. He won't come around. It's who he is.

NeonFish · 04/10/2025 23:14

CosyMintFish · 04/10/2025 22:08

Give the guy a break to process his daughter’s diagnosis. Perhaps he cares about her more than the OP, which is why he’s finding it hard to absorb.

Read the OP's other posts on the thread @CosyMintFish . He is a narcissist who thinks if you're not a doctor or barrister you are nothing. He cares about his standing with his colleagues whose kids will be applying to prestigious schools, as he has said. He won't come around. It's who he is.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 04/10/2025 23:15

Well at least if she divorces the judgemental fucker, she won't have to worry about fighting him for custody, and as he's employed, she'll get child maintenance at least. Horrible man.

TheGreatWesternShrew · 04/10/2025 23:19

Well he’s a shit doctor and father isn’t he? My sister is diagnosed with Audhd (autism and ADHD) - she is a medical doctor and has a son. Fairly normal life despite a few difficulties.

Of course he’s being ridiculous.

ASimpleLampoon · 04/10/2025 23:21

I grew up undiagnosed autistic with an abusive father who was ashamed of me. Please tell her to LTB.

I have a university degree , I work, volunteer own a home have raised a family but at 50 I am still an embarrassment and I've been NC for years.

shuggles · 04/10/2025 23:22

@Shitshowcentral I have no idea why your friend married this disgusting sack of shit.

Branleuse · 04/10/2025 23:23

Tell him that she is exactly the same child as she was last week, and he needs to educate himself on up to date research on the subject. Its not a terrible diagnosis anymore. I think that actually cultural norms around things like disabilty can take a lot of undoing . Men are commonly dicks around the diagnosis process tbh. This has probably been a culmination of a long period of stress. Id give it a bit longer to process tbh. I think if you google attitudes to disability in a lot of countries, there are vast differences. I think it requires sensitivity. I think IRL, you never tell a friend they should get a divorce.

NeonFish · 04/10/2025 23:26

user1492757084 · 04/10/2025 22:54

He is in shock. No one can predict exactly how they react when in shock.

The worst outcome for their daughter would be that they divorce.
The best outcome is what will probably transpire over the next few months. That is that the father and mother will learn much more about the diagnosis and will endeavour to do their upmost to equip DD for a bright future.

She will benefit from expensive education opportunities and universities for sure.

I'll make a bet that the two of them will use their resources very actively and wisely and make a loving and huge diference to how their DD copes.

Encourage your friend to go on a steep learning adventure with her husband and to explain to him that their daughter needs every bit of support and more to ensure that she is independant, happy and successful. That it is crucial that her husband contributes and applies his brain to making DD's future bright.

You're naive, @user1492757084 Read all of OP's posts on this thread. He is a narcissist who thinks if you're not a doctor or barrister you are nothing. He won't come around. It's who he is.

Glitterberries · 04/10/2025 23:28

Shitshowcentral · 04/10/2025 21:43

It shouldn’t come as that much of a surprise as she was pretty much non verbal until age 4! He is Nigerian and basically thinks if you’re not a doctor or a barrister then get out of the family. I can’t see him coming around based on what’s been said

I was about to ask if he’s from Africa when I first read the original post. He’s allowed to be sad with the shock etc but saying she’s an embarrassment for something she has no control of is very ignorant. What a 1690’s reaction.

mjf981 · 04/10/2025 23:30

I agree that he has no business practicing as a doctor.

The lack of compassion and understanding for his own daughter is...deeply concerning. I bet he won't be able to 'hide' how he truly feels from her either. What a tool. LTB.

Loopylampshade · 04/10/2025 23:37

ILikeBigBookssandIcannotlie · 04/10/2025 22:08

I'd put a fair bit of money on him being autistic and this being him processing news really badly (and rather selfishly)

I would wait and see how he is once he has wrapped his head round the news a bit more. If he is still being a twat about it then I would definitely judge him

I echo this 100%. A reaction to a disgnosis is understandable. I would say this is very extreme though and I hope this little girl hasn’t heard any of it because it would scar her for life. If he hasn’t turned around his mind in 6 months, personally I would leave him. Could never be with a person who doesn’t accept our child.

SadOldLadyOfTheLowlands · 04/10/2025 23:39

CopperWhite · 04/10/2025 21:39

I’d give him a couple of days to get over his initial shock, and if he’s still being a dick after he’s had time to come to his senses, then get rid of him.

I don’t think it’s fair to expect everyone to react perfectly to the news that their child’s life will be significantly different to the one that was expected.

Edited

The diagnosis doesn't change her, shes still the same child.

She can go on and do whatever she wants (my ds with autism recently graduated with a degree) however he will still be a cunt for reacting like that.

Sickoffamilydrama · 04/10/2025 23:44

I won't repeat what everyone else has said about successful ND people but add that as you probably already know yourself that not everyone needs to have professional successful jobs to have a good life. Everyone deserves an opportunity to thrive within their abilities which is what he should focus on giving her.

Our DD is autistic she isn't great academically although she'd be even worse if we hadn't sent her to private school. What she is is very happy ( because she's in a school that supports her and meets her needs) she has a large circle of friends and some really close ones who accept her for who she is autism and all.

My point for telling you that is I know DD is well liked, loved and makes a difference to others lives. I think that is more important than being seen as having a professional job.

But even if she didn't have that her life is still worthy not everyone can be a top academic/ professional but that's okay.

I would recommend your friend let's the dust settle and see if his behaviour continues I'm not sure I could stay with him. It could be damaging to her daughter if she stays with him.

LancashireButterPie · 04/10/2025 23:44

I'm hazarding a guess that he might not be neurotyoical himself.
My DD, DH and DS1 are all neurodiverse. Between them they have 3 degrees 2 masters and a PhD.

RoseGo · 04/10/2025 23:51

Shitshowcentral · 04/10/2025 21:43

It shouldn’t come as that much of a surprise as she was pretty much non verbal until age 4! He is Nigerian and basically thinks if you’re not a doctor or a barrister then get out of the family. I can’t see him coming around based on what’s been said

There is very low awareness of autism in Nigerian culture. As a doctor, he should have had the mandatory Oliver McGowan training though.
https://www.hee.nhs.uk/our-work/learning-disability/current-projects/oliver-mcgowan-mandatory-training-learning-disability-autism

The Oliver McGowan Mandatory Training on Learning Disability and Autism | NHS England | Workforce, training and education

Aiming to save lives by ensuring the health and social care workforce have the right skills and knowledge to provide safe, compassionate and informed care to autistic people and people with a learning disability.

https://www.hee.nhs.uk/our-work/learning-disability/current-projects/oliver-mcgowan-mandatory-training-learning-disability-autism

RoseGo · 04/10/2025 23:53

Shitshowcentral · 04/10/2025 22:21

she can’t see him calming down. In the run up to the assessment he was already expressing these feelings. They went to a work gathering and he came away saying how disappointed he would be if it came back she was and how embarrassed he’d be if his colleagues found out - basically forewarning her of all this.

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I wouldn’t want him treating me tbh.

FinallyAPrincess · 04/10/2025 23:53

Shitshowcentral · 04/10/2025 21:43

It shouldn’t come as that much of a surprise as she was pretty much non verbal until age 4! He is Nigerian and basically thinks if you’re not a doctor or a barrister then get out of the family. I can’t see him coming around based on what’s been said

I'm not British, and know alot of West Africans. I'm not suprised by this reaction after learning he is Nigerian. Unfortunately, West Africans still hold very antiquated views on topics such as mental health, ND etc. Going forward he may either come to terms with it, or remain ignorant, most likely the latter. And if she divorces him, he will definitely disown the child. Horrible situation.

Gilead · 04/10/2025 23:54

Fucking cheek, I’m autistic, and like many autistic people have a PhD. But hey this guy sounds like my mother and I’ve not spoken to her in 20 odd years.

AncientBallerina · 04/10/2025 23:56

I’ve realised that there is a certain type of ‘successful’ man who spends enormous amounts of time boasting about how his children are all going to x private school and y oxbridge college and woe betide if the children don’t match up.

diditwelldone · 04/10/2025 23:56

LancashireButterPie · 04/10/2025 23:44

I'm hazarding a guess that he might not be neurotyoical himself.
My DD, DH and DS1 are all neurodiverse. Between them they have 3 degrees 2 masters and a PhD.

Agree .The Father is probably autistic as well,hence his reaction !