DP hit the roof over DD autism diagnosis

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Posting on behalf of a friend looking for advice.

DC 7 was diagnosed with autism yesterday. Her DP who is a doctor has hit the roof and is really struggling to accept it. He’s saying things like he might as well withdraw her from school as she’s never going to amount to anything, he’s embarrassed as all his doctor friends are saving for prestigious universities for their kids and now they’ll see his daughter as a failure and therefore him. It’s pointless continuing an education etc. things like she’s an embarrassment to the family and they’ve failed her. DD is behind developmentally but keeping up in a mainstream school. There’s not an “obvious” issue to those external.

im shocked tbh. And feel so sorry for my friend. They’ve had a serious row this evening and I don’t feel I can be the same with him going forward.

mg own AIBU is to tell her to divorce him! (She knows I’m posting this)

her AIBU is to basically tell him he’s being ridiculous and stand her ground

I could never love a human who talked about their one child like that. Repulsive cunt

That’s the tip of the iceberg compared to what his parents said to him on a daily growing up - knowing Nigerians, he was probably holding back.

Is this a cultural thing? I have first hand experience that African people can have very negative views around neurodiversity, based on traditional attitudes. Do you have any links in with slightly more enlightened elders in his community, who might tell him to get a grip in himself?

Failing that, tell him flatly to have a word with himself, and stop being so bloody stupid. I am tired of stupid men.

Hmmm, I will probably get grief for this but.. when my son was diagnosed autistic (13 years ago) I refused it too. Was fuming they wanted to put a label on my child and put him apart from other children. Wondered what the future meant for him if school really felt he needed extra help and assistance, and so what that he's a little different and slow to speak.

I was hugely upset for a while, his dad wasn't, he was indifferent about it.

Obviously I know now that it doesn't even really change that much, he's 15 this week and thriving. He struggles to make friends is probably the only thing that really reminds us.

I fucking cringe now when I think about how stupid I was to try fight the professionals, what a tool I was!!

Your husband will feel foolish as well some day but don't end your marriage just yet. Give him some time and some information and pray he doesn't keep acting this way and I hope it's not around the child

Getting diagnosed at a younger age sometimes means a better outcome. My own DS was diagnosed at 5 with Aspergers, high functioning. Went to mainstream school. I split from his DF due to him not accepting the diagnosis but in reality, he couldn't cope. I did a far better job on my own, could concentrate on DS better on a one to one basis. My DS is a teen now and no one knows/can tell he has ASD. He has his struggles and weaknesses but it's not 'in your face' like it was when he was younger.

It really doesn’t matter if it’s “cultural”. We wouldn’t excuse similar reactions from grandparents because they were “older”.

He needs to educate himself about autism. So much preconceived ideas! Shocking!

Grieve? It’s not a death sentence. Being autistic is just being human. Bloody hell. I didn’t grieve when my DS was diagnosed. We love the fact he is ND as he’s one of the most interesting and talented people that I know!

He sounds awful. The only reason he will be failing her is if he continues on this mindset.
It could just be the shock talking right now. Much in the same way some parents act out and are awful to their DC when they come out as gay, but later realise they are being dicks and it doesnt matter and they still love their child.

If this mindset does continue past the initial shock phase, then your friend is best off setting herself and her DD free. A life of being treated as an embarrassment or that you are on the path for failure will certainly set someone up to fail. Plus the very damaging effects on the DD mental health being exposed to these thoughts and rejection day in day out.

As for him being a dr, it is awful to think how he used feel about some of his patients. Some people go in to it as they really do care and want to make a difference. Others go in to it as they want the money & status. He falls into the last bracket, unfortunately I think most are the same, as i have seen or heard a lot of this that makes me value Dr's much less than I probably should. As so many are not very nice people

It is in no way your place to tell your friend to end her marriage! If she chooses to do so, it should come from her. Totally unacceptable of you to say this. You support her and sympathise.

sounds like he’s in shock and he’s grieving what he thought would be. Albeit not in a way anyone one of us would want our spouse to react, but it can happen. Grief is ugly. Allow him time to get over the shock and your friend should see what the situation is then.

Or Elon Musk FFS! The whole of silicone valley wouldn’t exist without Neurodivergent people.

I opened the post thinking it’s probably a bit of a shock to him and he needs time to adapt - but that level of disgusting things he’s saying IMO should be meet with divorce papers and an application to have sole custody to keep him and his damaging views away from the DC. Shocking that a doctor is so ignorant about this.

Look up "Welcome to Holland" by By Emily Perl Kingsley. I think it's brilliant. Let the man take time to process the diagnosis, because it takes time especially if you have grown up being told that disabled people never amount to anything.

I don’t get this; surely as a doctor he recognises that ND is often an inherited trait, and has strong links to sperm quality, so he probably is ND himself and is the root of his child’s diagnosis 🙄

He can’t spout such nonsense, yet be such an “educated” thicko.

The last thing he should do is speak to elders in his community sorry. But I agree with you that it’s a cultural thing. His wife should give him time to come round but make it clear that if he so much as hints at his attitudes to autism in front of their daughter, he’ll be shown the door.

I cried when my child got diagnosed with ADHD, even though I have adhd myself. Had to leave the doctors office so my child wouldn’t see. I was devastated in a way I wasn’t when their sibling was diagnosed with a serious chronic condition. Because thestigma about neurodiversity runs deep in our communities and I didn’t want my child to experience it too. In fact it’s a miracle he made it to diagnosis as I kept rejecting the school’s referrals for assessment, trying to convince myself that they had got it wrong. So I do get the husband’s reaction, even though he could express his sadness in a kinder way.

He’s acting like a wanker. I’m a very academically high achieving professional and it was a bit sad to think that my son would probably not be the same. But he’s 16 now and considering where he was and his struggles he’s doing absolutely amazing, with uni and a good career real prospects. His daughter is the same person she was before the diagnosis. She’s not changed. Comparing to other people is not helpful - who’s to say any of those mates kids will want or be able to be medics anyway. He needs to grow up, step up and get a grip and support his child.

He's a fucking twat. One that needs to get a grip, but I don't think I could get over his reaction.

He is in shock. No one can predict exactly how they react when in shock.

The worst outcome for their daughter would be that they divorce.
The best outcome is what will probably transpire over the next few months. That is that the father and mother will learn much more about the diagnosis and will endeavour to do their upmost to equip DD for a bright future.

She will benefit from expensive education opportunities and universities for sure.

I'll make a bet that the two of them will use their resources very actively and wisely and make a loving and huge diference to how their DD copes.

Encourage your friend to go on a steep learning adventure with her husband and to explain to him that their daughter needs every bit of support and more to ensure that she is independant, happy and successful. That it is crucial that her husband contributes and applies his brain to making DD's future bright.

Honestly with his inability to regulate his own emotions, rigid thinking (autism = non achieving and no inbetween), choice of profession, and the fact we know autism is highly genetic, I think we know where her DD’s autism came from.

He sounds like a horror but is clearly battling some deep, deep feelings of inadequacy, and likely imposter syndrome and feeling like he’s never quite fit in because he himself is likely undiagnosed autistic. He’s seeing his daughter’s diagnosis like a mirror and he hates his reflection. That’s my best guess armchair psychologist take anyway.

He would be getting over that (or not) in his own time & not making my child feel anything other than fabulous.
If he couldn't manage that he could fuck off.

Yes it is! (Mum of autistic children too) he’s shown his true colours - absolute POS

So many people with autism have become successful, rich and famous. This 'doctor' is an idiot, he should know better. He sounds like a vile snob and pig. The mother needs to get away from him and keep him away from her daughter for her daughter's wellbeing as the sperm donor (any man who speaks like that about his daughter does not deserve the honour of being called dad or father) could really harm the daughter's confidence and ability and be damaging for her development and growth. Fuck me you'd think a doctor of all people would know better! He is an absolute fucking pig from the sewer who cares more about his 'standing' with his pretentious colleagues than his own little girl!

He sounds dreadful, the poor child 😩 my DD is autistic, she was finally diagnosed in February after a 10 year struggle to have her even assessed, the relief I felt from that diagnosis was unbelievable, and I know my DD felt it too as it meant that she was no longer going to be misunderstood by her peers or at school.
we have both felt that it has brought a lot of clarity and explanations for why things are as they are, I’m a little bit surprised by your friends husband’s reaction. Do you think maybe it is a culture thing, or perhaps just about his ego and how he looks to the outside world?
I do hope this doesn’t affect the child going forward, I feel so sad having read this x

What a horrible man! My ex partner is autistic and has a PhD in Neuroscience. How can he not see that he will be the thing to hold her back

mg own AIBU is to tell her to divorce him! (She knows I’m posting this)
her AIBU is to basically tell him he’s being ridiculous and stand her ground

This is going to confuse the voting results, if you're interested in those, as you've asked two different questions. SHE is NOT being unreasonable to stand her ground and protect her daughter's interests; there's nothing else she can do. As for divorcing him, it doesn't solve the problem as he is still the child's parent. Hard as it sounds (and almost certainly is) the most effective advocacy for her daughter right now may be for her to exercise whatever influence she has over him to get him to look at the situation realistically. First of all, nothing has to be decided and no one outside the immediate family has to be told today. Second, there's no need to disrupt her schooling/life; she's 7! This is an opportunity to get her the help she needs quite early on without making any huge sudden changes; his education and experience and status as a doctor should HELP with that, not hinder it. Does he have any colleagues or perhaps experts, former teachers, etc. whom he respects who've actually done work on autism?