DP hit the roof over DD autism diagnosis

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Posting on behalf of a friend looking for advice.

DC 7 was diagnosed with autism yesterday. Her DP who is a doctor has hit the roof and is really struggling to accept it. He’s saying things like he might as well withdraw her from school as she’s never going to amount to anything, he’s embarrassed as all his doctor friends are saving for prestigious universities for their kids and now they’ll see his daughter as a failure and therefore him. It’s pointless continuing an education etc. things like she’s an embarrassment to the family and they’ve failed her. DD is behind developmentally but keeping up in a mainstream school. There’s not an “obvious” issue to those external.

im shocked tbh. And feel so sorry for my friend. They’ve had a serious row this evening and I don’t feel I can be the same with him going forward.

mg own AIBU is to tell her to divorce him! (She knows I’m posting this)

her AIBU is to basically tell him he’s being ridiculous and stand her ground

Definitely YANBU. That poor, poor child. 😢

If he doesn't get over himself and if he treats his DD badly as a result of this, then she will have to divorce him.

I have NO idea how an oncologist can have this attitude. They're supposed to be caring!!!

That's unbelievably ignorant. I’m genuinely shocked.

Does he not know now many ND YP go to university and do really well? I know literally dozens, many with first-class degrees.

Is it (trying to be kind) just an initial shock at a different (possibly) path for his DD? Can she see if he calms down over the next day or so?

@TeaForTheTillermanSteakForTheSun
This is so encouraging to hear. How did your DS get into Uni without exams? Well done for supporting him solo, it's hard!

You say he's involved with the children and presumably knows them pretty well, then. Perhaps he thinks the diagnosis is wrong and he's angry that she's been labelled. How did the assessment come about?

she can’t see him calming down. In the run up to the assessment he was already expressing these feelings. They went to a work gathering and he came away saying how disappointed he would be if it came back she was and how embarrassed he’d be if his colleagues found out - basically forewarning her of all this.

Knowing lots of Nigerians, I'd say let him get over the shock. Google Autism in Nigeria, it's really interesting. My closest Nigerian friend's little boy is now eight and obviously ND. She can no longer visit back home because he would be in danger and open to kidnap. Luckily her Mum/Sister can get visas to visit here. There'll be fear and cultural issues at play within his reaction.

Only option here for me would be to tell him to get therapy and sort his shit out or fuck off.

Unfortunately medicine's history, and frankly its present, is filled with terrible attitudes towards disability, so it's not that surprising.

I know a Nigerian man who didn't believe in Autism, got told by a pastor that someone shot a poisoned arrow into the womb. Went through lots of ceremonies etc. Two years later he was taking any classes/support available and is now fantastic with his child.

How involved was he during the assessment process?

That stuffs runs deep unfortunately. My west African parents still don’t believe ADHD exists despite me and a sibling having been diagnosed.

I’m sure another sibling is autistic but they’d never get diagnosed as the stigma around autism in west African communities is not great.

For Nigerians it’s doctor, lawyer, engineer or failure. But he’ll come round - he just needs to realise that if he wants her to be successful in life in spite of her diagnosis, his attitudes will be the biggest roadblock to that. She needs a father who will support her, educate himself on the condition (which should be easy for him since he’s a doctor), and be her biggest cheerleader.

It’s quite incredible. Under the Eq Act 2010
harassment is when someone creates an intimidating hostile degrading or offensive environment for someone based on a protected characteristic like disability. People are protected at work, school, for housing, goods/services etc.
Not sadly at home! If his views are so pronounced how must this impact his practice.
May be no going back now. How many other DC do they have? Hope your friend is doing as best she can in the circumstances.

Unfortunately..............

That must be really difficult 💐

Why not? Like him or not, the guy is a billionaire, and sounds exactly the type of person the dad would would aspire to

Awful but not surprising sadly. My ds dad is a GP and said he believed autism and ADHD were made up and just naughty kids.

Beggars belief these men are doctors!

And me….

Exactly it’s more than just stigma, it’s superstition, fears about witchcraft and curses, it’s what he knows his family members- especially his parents will say. There’s some grieving he will have to do for the life he imagined for his daughter, and the role he will need to play in protecting her from harmful west African attitudes about neurodiversity (which some view as demonic/ a curse).

He may need a culturally sensitive therapist to walk him through this.

He didn't do any high school exams, he left to be home schooled at 11 because he was really struggling in the school system.

When he was 16 he went to college to do a future focus course, which is basically modules of a little bit of everything, when he passed that course after a year he was able to apply for the college course he really wanted to do, 2 years of that and he passed and got accepted into uni, he's now 21, in his second year.

It took him a bit longer due to the extra year doing the additional course at college, however I don't think he would have gone at all had I forced him to stay on at school.

He's absolutely thriving at uni in a way he never did at school, even college was a world away from school.

It's so hard, and I remember for years I was tearing my hair out thinking I messed up his life by pulling him out of school, feeling guilty about the way it 'should' have been, but, thankfully its all paid off now.

I don’t know.
Is he this unreasonable at other times?
If he’s Nigerian and they divorce, could he take the child (children) out of the country?
I think you and your friend need to think more than just one move ahead.
I’m truly sorry for the situation and for your friend and especially for her child.
You hang in there. ❤️

Nigerian heritage may kind of be a part. There's a pressure in African culture the only way to achieve is academically, which was propogated through a colonial education system. Having a profession is seen as the (only) career route.

Unless you've seen the light, questioned it, had therapy, (any variation of those), imagine it can be hard to have formulated a different outlook on life. But his DD may force that change although it would have to happen fast.

Mental health also not well recognised in many cultures (barely in the UK even).

It is seen as a bit woo, mystical forces, to have disabilities in lots of cultural mythology, and if you've never questioned it you might feel shame. I get he's a doctor but there's a split between public persona and private life / family.

I'm wildly generalising and this is only based on my experience.

When I lived in Africa I had to say I wanted to be a teacher as it was incomprehensible to anyone if I express not wanting a profession.

Look at Professor Jason Arday. As an example on what Autistic people can achieve.

Yes he really is….ironically ill educated arsehole …. Poor little girl xx

He’s a doctor so he will come round and educate himself. As a fellow west African I can honestly say that he will be her biggest support and protector in future. He’s in shock and many west Africans are very expressive, overly honest and harsh with their words when in shock.

He’s grieving but he’ll come round. His wife should send him this to encourage him that there are many possible life paths for their daughter but she’ll need his full support to reach them: www.theguardian.com/society/2023/jul/11/jason-arday-cambridge-university-youngest-black-professor

What a nasty bastard. It would be over it it were me.