DP hit the roof over DD autism diagnosis

[Shitshowcentral]

Posting on behalf of a friend looking for advice.

DC 7 was diagnosed with autism yesterday. Her DP who is a doctor has hit the roof and is really struggling to accept it. He’s saying things like he might as well withdraw her from school as she’s never going to amount to anything, he’s embarrassed as all his doctor friends are saving for prestigious universities for their kids and now they’ll see his daughter as a failure and therefore him. It’s pointless continuing an education etc. things like she’s an embarrassment to the family and they’ve failed her. DD is behind developmentally but keeping up in a mainstream school. There’s not an “obvious” issue to those external.

im shocked tbh. And feel so sorry for my friend. They’ve had a serious row this evening and I don’t feel I can be the same with him going forward.

mg own AIBU is to tell her to divorce him! (She knows I’m posting this)

her AIBU is to basically tell him he’s being ridiculous and stand her ground

What a horrible man.Who would say such cruel things about their daughter!
I hope she hasn't heard it or she could be scarred for life by his words :(
Not a loving father for sure, clearly a proud idiot who needs to be taught a lesson.
I hope your friend runs for the hills and takes her lovely DD with her.

I have had an interesting life. I've worked as a journalist, an editor and have had three books published. In late middle age I was diagnosed with ASD (after reading a MN thread).

I always knew I was "weird" but I didn't know why. My autism makes me slightly eccentric but it has never held me back. This stupid man must be very ignorant not to understand the breadth of ASD.

The irony that it's genetic.

Is this your DP and your DC? I'm a bit unclear from the OP as I think there are a couple of typos, then you mention later you have ND DC too.

Whoever it is it's pretty shocking.

What an arsehole. Personally I don’t think being a doctor or barrister is the ultimate goal in life but I also know several ND people in medicine. I feel very sorry for the dc in this situation.

Hahahaha! You know the neuro diversity rate in hospital consultants is like 80% and in the general NHS it's estimated to be 50%?
She should go back to him and say - well now you know genetically where she gets it from.

Guess who she inherited it from? It’ll be him and he’s embarrassed that people will think he might be ND. Personally I’d be telling him to shape up or fuck off and never darken my door again. What a wanker.

He's probably just in shock and heartbroken at feeling like he can't hold the same expectations for his child. It may be a grief reaction, which I understand (even if I wouldn't condone what he is saying). If things aren't settling down within a few weeks, then my opinion would drastically alter.

I don't think anyone should insert themselves by telling a friend to divorce their partner. It's a very Mumsnet (i.e. unhelpful) thing to do and likely to lead to friendship breakdown if/when the husband comes round and starts behaving rationally.

I’m not sure I’d be holding Elon Musk as an example of a success story for autism

Wow. All I can say he really isn't educated on Autism as a spectrum. Even if your child has high support needs, you still give them the best education, experiences, love and care, as any child.

It says more about you as a person if all your self worth and confidents is based on your childs achievements in life. In fact his child could surpass him in academic abilities in the future. But with that attitude he wouldn't have a good relationship with her.

I hope for the Family sake he educates himself, and maybe seeks therapy. If no the mum has some hard decisions to make.

That’s awful, both from a family relationship perspective and medical knowledge/ ethics perspective. You can only imagine how he interacts with oncology patients who are ND. Nothing like a bit of rampant ableist discrimination on top of a potentially life limiting condition.

His poor daughter. And your poor friend. This isn’t something you can explain away by him being Nigerian. He’s clearly from a wealthy, educated background as well - so should have the means and drive to you know, try to understand better.

I know he's a twat but he is the richest man in the world so not a failure.

Give the guy a break to process his daughter’s diagnosis. Perhaps he cares about her more than the OP, which is why he’s finding it hard to absorb.

Give the guy a break to process his daughter’s diagnosis. Perhaps he cares about her more than the OP, which is why he’s finding it hard to absorb.

I'd put a fair bit of money on him being autistic and this being him processing news really badly (and rather selfishly)

I would wait and see how he is once he has wrapped his head round the news a bit more. If he is still being a twat about it then I would definitely judge him

He’s reacted appallingly. Neurodivergence is not an environmental condition. It sounds like status and keeping up with the Jones’s is important to DP. Anyone impressed by that rather than who people are imho not worth bothering about.
Masking is really common. Many people with autism excel. If you meet one person with autism you’ve met one autistic person.
She needs to get away from the situation and put him in touch with one of the Autism charities. His prejudice as to what it means is really worrying for a GP. Just glad she has you and tbf be way more embarrassing his reaction than anything the wee one does or doesn’t do. Mum needs to do best she can and love/be proud of the wee one. With a diagnosis, support can be put in place.

This.

There are loads of autistic doctors. Some diagnosed, some not. It's very clearly not a barrier to achieving all sorts. This kid may not become a doctor, but that's the case with or without an autism diagnosis.

I'm a doctor with an autistic child. I'm not diagnosed myself but it's possible. What I will say is that my training at medical school on autism was less than one half day in six years. I can't even remember if ADHD got covered at all. I've had a couple of training sessions since then, relevant to my specialty, but most of my knowledge has come from my own reading since DS started on the diagnosis pathway. Someone who trained elsewhere and isn't working in a related specialty may have no more knowledge than the general public.

I couldn’t agree more.
Apart from maybe he’s an ignorant cunt.
I never say this but she needs to LTB. He will destroy that little girl.

I would say let him off for now as it may just be shock, but if he doesn't get his act together very quickly then give him the boot!

An oncologist will not have much more of an understanding of the autism spectrum than members of the general public. They may even have many preconceived notions based on (from when they were training) the diagnoses from 10 -20 years ago which were distinguished from Asperger's and often were reserved for ND people who were in much more obvious need of support, rather than those who were what used to be (now considered offensive by some) High Functioning (also known as good at masking).

It's very likely that this is a kneejerk reaction and as a previous poster put it, a form of grief. If he processes that, with or without help, he may well come out the other side a much more understanding and humane person towards ND people and his DC.

Is he aware that autism often comes from the father?

That would be a deal breaker for me.

Has he stopped to consider how many neurodivergent / autistic people go to Oxbridge and excel in the right environment and support?

Many medics are autistic!!!

Your friend needs to protect her child from him. Not a lot else to add to that.

That poor child. If I was her mum I'd get as far away from her partner as I could to protect her DD from him.