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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP hit the roof over DD autism diagnosis

185 replies

Shitshowcentral · 04/10/2025 21:34

Posting on behalf of a friend looking for advice.

DC 7 was diagnosed with autism yesterday. Her DP who is a doctor has hit the roof and is really struggling to accept it. He’s saying things like he might as well withdraw her from school as she’s never going to amount to anything, he’s embarrassed as all his doctor friends are saving for prestigious universities for their kids and now they’ll see his daughter as a failure and therefore him. It’s pointless continuing an education etc. things like she’s an embarrassment to the family and they’ve failed her. DD is behind developmentally but keeping up in a mainstream school. There’s not an “obvious” issue to those external.

im shocked tbh. And feel so sorry for my friend. They’ve had a serious row this evening and I don’t feel I can be the same with him going forward.

mg own AIBU is to tell her to divorce him! (She knows I’m posting this)

her AIBU is to basically tell him he’s being ridiculous and stand her ground

OP posts:
Ali91 · 05/10/2025 06:41

bozzabollix · 05/10/2025 06:36

My husband is a medical consultant. His attention to detail is mind boggling and he can remember so much detail too. Course that’s perfect for medicine. It’s also incredibly autistic too! He’s never been diagnosed but recognises it.

Our son is dyspraxic and I reckon has a touch of ADHD chucked in the mix. He’s the opposite of my husband.

I think my husband probably had silent expectations of our son, ones he could never live up to, and he’s certainly not able to keep up with his colleagues with their so called perfect children. But big deal, people have their own strengths and weaknesses and he’s never said anything.

I know what this persons colleagues will be seemingly like. Super academic kids, lots of clubs, achievements etc, all stuff he will feel like he should live up to. Medicine is very middle class competitive parent! It’s probably that.

Ironically ASD diagnosis isn’t a barrier to achievement. As many say it’s way over represented in medicine and in selective schools. So academic achievement should still be absolutely doable.

That's interesting that ASD diagnoses are overrepresented in selective schools and medicine. Do you think it's the traits of ASD that lend themselves to being successful in that way, or is it that they are likely from middle class families who are better able to access a diagnosis than working class families? Or perhaps it's a bit of both?

monkeysox · 05/10/2025 06:45

TeaForTheTillermanSteakForTheSun · 04/10/2025 21:52

I would leave him.

My ds has autism, struggled a lot in school so I home schooled him, he didn't even do any exams, he's now in second year of uni, paying his own way by working too, and absolutely smashing his course.

Had his dad still been in his life, bringing him down, he may not have achieved even half of what he has.

Glad theyre doing well.
What was their journey to uni if did no exams?

Blarghism · 05/10/2025 06:48

I had a narcissistic autistic father too, he blamed the autism in the family on my mother when it was clearly from him. He was in total denial and I've seen it in other autistic fathers too. Even one who ignored his son for his entire childhood as he saw him as lesser and broken. I'd tell your friend what I told my friend, LTB for the sake or your child.

CameForAVacationStayedForTheRevolution · 05/10/2025 06:59

As someone who has worked in the nhs for 20 years believe me there’s a lot of autistic doctors! I genuinely think a lot of people with autism are drawn to healthcare and specifically medicine. He has an old fashioned view of autism and is thinking this is going to seriously limit her when that may not be the case. Especially if she’s keeping up at school. In fact it can mean the opposite, the most autistic person I know is in serious genius territory, taking GCSEs years early, etc.

Autism does tend to run in families as well, I have a lot of relatives with autism…..none of whom have been an educational failure. My Dd is autistic and got a 1st class degree and is currently doing a Masters at a RG university. I have another relative who I suspect is probably autistic and is at Cambridge. Another relative who’s a teacher.

she shouldn’t divorce him over this as it stands. He’s in shock, he needs time to come round and have stuff like this pointed out to him.

any chance he may be autistic? There is a tendency to think in quite black and white terms and ime to over catastophrise.

FlyingUnicornWings · 05/10/2025 07:47

CorbyTrouserPress · 04/10/2025 21:46

He’s a cunt.

You beat me to it.

BunnyRuddington · 05/10/2025 07:59

CopperWhite · 04/10/2025 21:39

I’d give him a couple of days to get over his initial shock, and if he’s still being a dick after he’s had time to come to his senses, then get rid of him.

I don’t think it’s fair to expect everyone to react perfectly to the news that their child’s life will be significantly different to the one that was expected.

Edited

It can’t have been a huge shock though surely?

The evidence you need to get anywhere near the assessment process is usually quite indicative of having ASD and the assessment process is also usually quite long.

By the time you get a diagnosis you’ve usually had a lot of time to think about the situation and reflect, although self reflection might be a skill the DH in question is lacking.

Muffinmam · 05/10/2025 08:11

Shitshowcentral · 04/10/2025 21:34

Posting on behalf of a friend looking for advice.

DC 7 was diagnosed with autism yesterday. Her DP who is a doctor has hit the roof and is really struggling to accept it. He’s saying things like he might as well withdraw her from school as she’s never going to amount to anything, he’s embarrassed as all his doctor friends are saving for prestigious universities for their kids and now they’ll see his daughter as a failure and therefore him. It’s pointless continuing an education etc. things like she’s an embarrassment to the family and they’ve failed her. DD is behind developmentally but keeping up in a mainstream school. There’s not an “obvious” issue to those external.

im shocked tbh. And feel so sorry for my friend. They’ve had a serious row this evening and I don’t feel I can be the same with him going forward.

mg own AIBU is to tell her to divorce him! (She knows I’m posting this)

her AIBU is to basically tell him he’s being ridiculous and stand her ground

She’s seven…. Surely given that the diagnosis is so late that would mean her symptoms aren’t so severe?

My son has the most severe type of autism plus a global developmental delay and we were told by a nurse that something was very wrong with him (he was one years old).

He would violently rock his body back and forth, flap his arms like a bird and walk on tiptoes. He would line up his cars and spin in circles. He had violent meltdowns. On one occasion multiple neighbours knocked on my door about the screaming.

I cried for a solid 2 weeks after the diagnosis. I had cared for an autistic child when I was younger and absolutely hated it.

My partner had a breakdown. I won’t go into specifics - but it was bad and I called the Police & ambulance.

My son was completely non verbal and had no receptive language.

Our paediatrician told us that sometimes children grow out of it and he just said we had to get him out of his own world and into ours.

I was later told by his speech therapist to adjust our expectations as to what his speech may look like in the future. I found a new speech therapist.

My son is now talking. He’s toilet trained. He plays team sports. He plays Roblox like his much older cousins and he likes crafts and Legos. He’s stopped lining up his cars. He enjoys getting involved in school activities and spoke at an assembly - which shocked us. He’s kind, he’s funny - he tries to make us laugh.

I gave up my career to care for him and I think that has paid off. We are at the point where some people don’t believe he’s autistic and think I’ve made it up.

Our friendship group have been supportive. Many sharing stories of their own families or friends with autistic children.

Your husband’s behaviour is quite disgusting. As a doctor he should be reading about the new medical studies on autism and the treatment options. New research shows that the grading/classification system for autism in the DSM is completely wrong and there are more reliable methods of determining where a child fits on the spectrum and giving a better view of what their future may look like. Your husband should know about genetic testing and the folate antigen testing and a new (cheap) drug treatment. As a doctor he would have better access to these treatments. Yet all he cares about is himself and how his peers perceive him.

I don’t raise my child with all the gentle parenting BS that we are told we must do for autism (redirecting, never saying no and ignoring when we are hit). I completely disagree with this. Of course my child is still autistic but I don’t think my life is over like I did before.

malificent7 · 05/10/2025 08:44

Msybe he feels that his sperm is " suboptimal" and is a blow to his fragile male ego.
Sdd is autistic and she gets As for all her exams and is amazing.

Whatafustercluck · 05/10/2025 08:53

I remember first being told by Young Minds that my dd's behaviour was likely a result of her being ND. It was weird, because initially I had an overwhelming sense of relief that it wasn't our parenting at failt, we weren't 'doing it wrong'. Then came a sense of grief for how her future may look very different to a NT child's. I knew quite little about these things at the time and immediately jumped to worst case scenario. Ultimately though, hearing those words gave me an understanding of her that I'd never had before, because I had been approaching everything with a belief that she was simply naughty and defiant. There was definitely a 'coming to terms' process though.

My immediate reaction to your post op was huge sadness for the little girl, and anger at her father's reaction. But then I wonder whether this is a first reaction in the process of coming to terms with the diagnosis. We don't all react in the same way, after all, and many of us parents of SEN children can remember a time when we are not proud of how we've reacted. I'm hoping he will eventually work his way through how he's feeling and become more supportive. If he doesn't though, then I'd agree that this is a deal breaker. Parents of disabled children have to unite with and support one another and co-parent effectively. Unfortunately the majority do end up separating - usually because one parent (and usually the mum) has greater capacity for patience, understanding and adapting their parenting/ putting the needs of their child first accordingly.

Neemie · 05/10/2025 08:54

This type of reaction is quite common with an autism diagnosis. It brings up an enormous amount of emotions in some parents that they struggle to deal with. It is understandable.

Shitshowcentral · 05/10/2025 09:23

Thank you for all of your replies and excellent advice. I’ve passed the links on to her. Row continues this morning already.

OP posts:
Clarabell77 · 05/10/2025 09:28

CopperWhite · 04/10/2025 21:39

I’d give him a couple of days to get over his initial shock, and if he’s still being a dick after he’s had time to come to his senses, then get rid of him.

I don’t think it’s fair to expect everyone to react perfectly to the news that their child’s life will be significantly different to the one that was expected.

Edited

I would agree with this but all of his issues seem to be how the diagnosis will reflect on him.

TeaForTheTillermanSteakForTheSun · 05/10/2025 09:29

monkeysox · 05/10/2025 06:45

Glad theyre doing well.
What was their journey to uni if did no exams?

There's a bit more detail upthread but it was - future focus course at college at 16 - 1 year, course he wanted to do after passing future focus - 2 years, got accepted into uni after that and is now in year 2 of uni.

It was a longer route, but it was the right way, school just wasn't for him and he very likely wouldn't have went onto further education had he stayed in school.

Engineeringdevelopment · 05/10/2025 09:41

Typical grief reactions (including anger) are well known to be common as parents come to terms with the child they have, rather than the one they imagined they would have. Attitudes to disability also vary a lot across the world.

Id let him have time to adjust his expectations and hopefully understand that he can be impressed and proud of her, just maybe for different things, or maybe she will do well academically in the end.

Fedupwithnamechanging · 05/10/2025 09:42

He does realise genetics play a part in this? His rigid thinking has me thinking maybe the apple hasnt fallen far from his tree 🤔

If my DH ever had said that about our DD (who has the same diagnosis, and with our support and learning good coping mechanisms has a law degree and masters) he'd have had a severe talking to. And be an exH!
Parents are meant to step up, encourage and support their DC as they develop and navigate life. It's in the job description. He's making his disappointment all about him! How will that make his DD feel?

JacknDiane · 05/10/2025 09:44

He sounds bloody awful and he shouldn't be a father or a doctor with those beliefs.

Gingernessy · 05/10/2025 09:55

Shitshowcentral · 04/10/2025 21:34

Posting on behalf of a friend looking for advice.

DC 7 was diagnosed with autism yesterday. Her DP who is a doctor has hit the roof and is really struggling to accept it. He’s saying things like he might as well withdraw her from school as she’s never going to amount to anything, he’s embarrassed as all his doctor friends are saving for prestigious universities for their kids and now they’ll see his daughter as a failure and therefore him. It’s pointless continuing an education etc. things like she’s an embarrassment to the family and they’ve failed her. DD is behind developmentally but keeping up in a mainstream school. There’s not an “obvious” issue to those external.

im shocked tbh. And feel so sorry for my friend. They’ve had a serious row this evening and I don’t feel I can be the same with him going forward.

mg own AIBU is to tell her to divorce him! (She knows I’m posting this)

her AIBU is to basically tell him he’s being ridiculous and stand her ground

I'd be more concerned about his doctor friends.
He may be reacting badly but he's actually saying that all his doctor friends think parents of children with autism are failures and that the children themselves are failures. That they'll see him as less worthy than them.
And it's not up to you to decide she should divorce him either - those opinions you should keep to yourself.

HRchatter · 05/10/2025 10:02

Gingernessy · 05/10/2025 09:55

I'd be more concerned about his doctor friends.
He may be reacting badly but he's actually saying that all his doctor friends think parents of children with autism are failures and that the children themselves are failures. That they'll see him as less worthy than them.
And it's not up to you to decide she should divorce him either - those opinions you should keep to yourself.

You’re very naive if you think that doctors , police, judges, even teachers Don’t believe that it’s all a load of bollocks and that the kids are just crap broken with rubbish parents

monkeysox · 05/10/2025 10:15

TeaForTheTillermanSteakForTheSun · 05/10/2025 09:29

There's a bit more detail upthread but it was - future focus course at college at 16 - 1 year, course he wanted to do after passing future focus - 2 years, got accepted into uni after that and is now in year 2 of uni.

It was a longer route, but it was the right way, school just wasn't for him and he very likely wouldn't have went onto further education had he stayed in school.

Thankyou. I hadn't heard of thay course. Is it like an access course?

TeaForTheTillermanSteakForTheSun · 05/10/2025 10:21

monkeysox · 05/10/2025 10:15

Thankyou. I hadn't heard of thay course. Is it like an access course?

They do a little bit of everything in it, modules of English, maths, science, cooking etc, then there were some electives dependent on what the kids want to do, I think our college had construction, childcare, health and social care and a couple of others.

No exams, they just have to have good attendance and pass the modules which allows them to apply for the college courses they want.

It was a long way around things, but it's been brilliant for my son.

I'm not sure about elsewhere in the country but all of the colleges in my area have this or something similar.

monkeysox · 05/10/2025 10:23

TeaForTheTillermanSteakForTheSun · 05/10/2025 10:21

They do a little bit of everything in it, modules of English, maths, science, cooking etc, then there were some electives dependent on what the kids want to do, I think our college had construction, childcare, health and social care and a couple of others.

No exams, they just have to have good attendance and pass the modules which allows them to apply for the college courses they want.

It was a long way around things, but it's been brilliant for my son.

I'm not sure about elsewhere in the country but all of the colleges in my area have this or something similar.

I deal with uni admissions. Need to look these up. Thanks

Underwatersally · 05/10/2025 10:37

If this reaction is out if character for him, I would wait for the dust to settle and see how he is to be honest.

Its within the realms of normality for someone to experince the stages of grieving when a child/ partner / parent / friend has been diagnosed with a life long illness (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance)

It would be a dealbreaker for me if he was saying this to dd's face, or if his attitude didn't improve, but if he has otherwise been a good and supportive dad and this was out of character I would encourage him to access autism family support groups.

AppropriateAdult · 05/10/2025 10:38

Honestly, OP, I would ignore the posts here that don’t acknowledge this man’s cultural background, and just focus on those from people like @Dannydevitoiloveyourart who has been really helpful. I guessed from your first post that this man would be Nigerian. That fact is hugely relevant to his attitude to this diagnosis, and responding to him without acknowledging where his fears (because his reaction is fear-based) come from will not help anyone.

ProfessorRizz · 05/10/2025 10:39

Well, given that his DD has just been diagnosed and he’s had a very rigid reaction to it, I’d be looking a bit closer to home for the genetic component of her autism diagnosis… 👀

CautiousLurker01 · 05/10/2025 10:51

TheTwitcher11 · 04/10/2025 21:35

He’s a disgusting pig and shouldn’t be working as a doctor with that mindset tbh - imagine how he would treat his patients

Edited

Ironically he reaction suggests that actually he may also be on the spectrum…

Both mine are on the spectrum. Yes it came with challenges {significant for my DD] but they, and many other autistic young people we know, are all off to ‘good’ universities. In fact, as a PG student myself and having discussed this with tutors, we are all of the opinion that there is a higher incidence of ND people amongst both students and staff.

We also went through the disappointment of thinking our DD might not pull herself out of comorbid MH issues, get a job/go to uni and it was hard seeing friends kids head off at 18 (she has started this year at 20), but at no point did either of us respond the way this man has - mainly by casting blame.

That said, if this man doesn’t get his act together and apologise profusely for his reaction, I’d be showing him the door. The friend and her child will be better off without him in their lives. Children develop at different speeds and with support it sounds as though this child will continue at the least to keep up - as she is doing now - but may even flourish once she has matured and found out where her strengths lie.

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