AIBU for pressuring my son to apply to unis close to home?

[SassyBear2]

My son is very academically capable and wants to study Electrical Engineering. From what he’s researched, Cambridge is better for engineering than Oxford because it’s more hands-on and practical, and the acceptance rate is slightly higher.

Despite this, we’ve been encouraging him to apply to Oxford. We live about an hour away by car, and if he went there he could commute from home, which would reduce how much we need to fund his uni life.

He says he wants to move out for uni because he wants to "experience proper student life" and he believes uni accommodation is an important aspect of that.

We’re also suggesting he look at London unis instead of other options like Warwick, because they’re only about an hour away if there’s no traffic.

AIBU for pressuring him a bit to apply to local unis rather than slightly better ones further away? Is an hour commute really far uni? Also do most students move out for uni or do they stay at home?

Moving out to go to uni is normal. Theres loans and grants available depending on your income. I met my now dh in uni. We never moved home.

yabu. let him live, poor lad

Oxford and Cambridge don't like their students to commute. They're also not that expensive to study at.

I think your DC would be absolutely mad to commute from home if he got a place at Oxford, so he may as well apply to Cambridge.

You are being massively unreasonable.
this isn’t about you and what you want.
support him to make the best decision for him or he will resent you for it.
i say this as a parent of a DD who is two weeks into uni, 6 hours away from home.
there are so many life lessons that he will lose by staying at home and commuting.

All students are eligible for a student loan however DS will only receive a small living expenses loan. The living expense loan my DS will receive is based on my and DH combined income. The threshold is quite low and so DS will receive a low living expenses loan.

Yabu.

let him go to uni.

Personally I think if he wants to move away then it would be unfair to push him to stay at home, He’s not going to want to spend 2 hours a day commuting and it sounds like a miserable student life.

It’s not just about the study and I think you’re being unfair.

But, if him going away for uni is going to put too much financial pressure on you then you all need to think about how that can be managed. Can he/you start saving now?

So you make up the difference. That’s how it works.

Living away from home, experiencing independence, living the student life is one of the best things about being a student.

Parents should be there for our student offspring if they have difficult times and need us but it's very important to let them spread their wings.

If Cambridge is better for his course then why on earth are you trying to scupper his future?

I stayed home for uni - it had its advantages in terms of funds etc but I also felt like I missed out on a lot

Check the regs. When I was at Oxford in the 2000s, you weren't allowed to live more than a mile from Carfax Tower so he might have to live in anyway.

There’s a high chance he’ll resent you later on in life if you push him to accept a university based on closeness to home. Step back and allow him to choose based on which course and which university is best for him.

He will have a long summer next year so can work to earn extra living money.
student bank accounts like Nationwide give you a £1000 interest free overdraft which increases e dry year.

Oxford and no doubt Cambridge literally don’t allow you to live away from the city unless you have seriously exceptional circumstances (e.g. terminally ill family member)

The idea that he’d have time to commute 2 hours each day while studying at Oxford is for the birds. Their terms are 8 weeks long and incredibly intense. You are being ridiculous and limiting your child’s life chances. This isn’t about you.

You might be better encouraging him to go north where rent is cheaper.

I know Cambridge doesn't like students to commute and most live in university halls/houses for their whole course. I'm assuming Oxford would be similar, so it may not be an option for these universities.

DD is only an hour away but has moved out. She certainly wouldn't be getting the same university experience if she was commuting. As the end of the day it's the students who have to pay back the loans not you so it is their decision. If they need extra funding then a lot of students now work if you can't afford to subsidise them.

I also know people who commute an hour for uni and hate it, wish that they'd either gone further away and moved into halls or gone closed to home if they'd stayed at home

The social scene is a massive part of going to uni. How’s he going to get home after leaving the student union bar at 2am?

Check what level of student loans he would be entitled to and your responsibilities to make a contribution as parents. (Not saying that’s a fair system, but it’s what we’ve got.) Then have a realistic conversation with him about his costs in each scenario. After that the decision is his.

You're going to need to take a pair of bolt cutters to those apron strings OP.

Oxford and Cambridge have a lot of relatively cheap accommodation so compared to most unis it's not massively expensive, college depending. He will need to research this. Plus colleges have a good amount of bursaries and financial support.

If you're not loaded Oxbridge is pretty good to aim for tbh. Plus terms are short so plenty of time to work during holidays and earn money

You will be expected to top up his minimum loan - you can't expect your DC to survive just on that. That is standard, it's not a case of 'we can't afford' but your household income dictates what he will get in loan and you should make up the difference

I used to work in a uni.
Most students who drop out by Christmas do so because they are on the wrong course. Something to think about, OP.

YABU. Moving out is the best part of uni, surely he has a part time now so can save, and he can work while he is at uni.