AIBU for pressuring my son to apply to unis close to home?

[SassyBear2]

My son is very academically capable and wants to study Electrical Engineering. From what he’s researched, Cambridge is better for engineering than Oxford because it’s more hands-on and practical, and the acceptance rate is slightly higher.

Despite this, we’ve been encouraging him to apply to Oxford. We live about an hour away by car, and if he went there he could commute from home, which would reduce how much we need to fund his uni life.

He says he wants to move out for uni because he wants to "experience proper student life" and he believes uni accommodation is an important aspect of that.

We’re also suggesting he look at London unis instead of other options like Warwick, because they’re only about an hour away if there’s no traffic.

AIBU for pressuring him a bit to apply to local unis rather than slightly better ones further away? Is an hour commute really far uni? Also do most students move out for uni or do they stay at home?

Let him go! DS was at UCL. We live about 10km away and he’s been in halls and shared a flat. He got a job and we asked him to pay for the last 3 months rent of the year… he managed it (as a waiter). Final year he has already said he will stay at home.

One of my DC went to a university 15 minutes drive away. None of us considered them staying at home.

Another of my DC went to Cambridge, at least one of their friends was local but still lived in College. Their student life is all based around their college.

I’m wondering if you didn’t grow up in the UK, OP. I’m aware that in many countries it’s very common for students to go to their local university and live at home. But in the UK, moving away from uni is generally seen as part of the rite of passage. Some students stay at home because it suits them to do so but that’s relatively unusual. It’s really unreasonable of you to pressurise your son into staying at home if he doesn’t want to and unrealistic in any case for him to have a 2-hour roundtrip commute.

My parents persuaded me to stay at home instead of moving in with my friend to go to uni. I always felt like I missed out on so many aspects of uni life, and didn’t have the friendships you see others at uni make, because I wasn’t there socialising etc.

As a parent now myself, when my eldest was moving to uni I desperately wanted to say “don’t go, stay at home” etc - but I recognised that was selfish and all about my wants and needs. It made me realise that my parents encouraged me to stay home for completely the wrong reasons. I now massively resent them for this, although I’ve never told them.

Don’t do this to your child, it should be completely their choice.

YABVU

He’s absolutely right, he needs to experience student life.

Somewhere like Oxford or Cambridge, it’s especially important to be fully part of college life - to live in college in the first year and be fully immersed in it.

Given that Cambridge is also the better Uni for that course, he should definitely go there.

He can get a loan surely if money is an issue?

Its not just about the money - leaving home and making other ties and experiences is a large part of what a university education offers. YABVU to expect him to commute from home.

Poor boy! Yes the current system is dreadful (I should know with 3 graduate children) but encourage him to do what he wants to do. It did feel as though I was paying for accommodation dd3 rarely used (I'm sure they were there for longer pre Covid) but it's just the way it goes. If he can choose Oxford or Cambridge, that's fantastic. Let him choose what's right for him. Now probably isn't the time to tell you some of the fantastic stuff I got up to in London and Cambridge and still remember fondly 40 years later!

You aren't letting him live his own life. Carry on like that and you run the risk of pushing him away for a long time.
Let him decide where he wants to study. Expecting him to do an hour's commute to university is unreasonable. Let him live with other students and make friends.

How does he afford the car, petrol, insurance etc? Ditch the car and use that towards uni, that’ll most likely be a fair chunk for a start.

As so many posters have said, he won't be allowed to commute to Oxford or Cambridge. They have a lot of bursaries available, and the accommodation is really cheap compared to other universities. The maths based degrees really aren't keen on taking you if you have had a gap year - you lose too much knowledge. You also generally aren't allowed to work in term time - you are expected top be absolutely committed to the course. My son's degree at Oxford is costing a lot less than my daughter's did elsewhere, though.

I would not do this. Never force your kids into anything like this. It could come back to bite you later on if DS decides it’s not what he wants and blames you for decisions he didn’t want to make.

Also, speaking as someone who has had an hour’s commute to work, I can’t imagine doing that and then having to study.

I know you say that DS is very academic but there’s no guarantee he will get in to Oxbridge. A lot of very good students don’t get offers. He’ll need to look at other places that are good for Engineering. Nothing wrong with him setting a distance limit for looking at unis - my DD decided she only wanted to look at Maths courses in the North of England, completely her choice. She didn’t choose the nearest and she most certainly did not choose the furthest. She’s less than 2 hours by car and train, so relatively easy to travel between the two when needed. She’s living in a fairly inexpensive city which makes it better for us financially.

The important thing is it was all her choice, although she did ask me my opinion on some of the places we visited and we both knew straight away that one place was definitely not for her.

if you are worried about finances, why not look at degree apprenticeships in Engineering? DS is on one with a company locally. He lives at home, earns a good wage, attends lectures remotely once a week (with a couple of face to face weeks each year) and does regular assignments. I’d have loved DD to do the same but she wanted the uni experience and I wasn’t going to deny her that.

Like others have pointed out, if he goes to Oxbridge, he will have to live close by.

Yes, the student loan is, indeed, based on household income. That is because you are expected to top it up to the full amount. You are not expected to pressure your child into not applying to where he would prefer to go and to expect him to commute to make life easier for you!

If your son has an engineering degree from Cambridge he'll earn enough to pay off his student loan.

There is no reason for him to stay at home during term time.

YABVU. No one should live at home for uni unless they actively want to or have to for health reasons. He can get a loan for living costs. It's not means-tested. You could top it up a bit with whatever you would have spent anyway on his food and commuting costs.

2 hours a day wasted when studying is a lot. It will also limit his social life as he’ll need to be planning to get back and can’t just quickly pop home and out again. That along with the independence and life skills that he’ll gain by moving out.

A key part of Oxbridge is college life. He would miss all of that living at home!

This. You can’t live more than a certain distance from Carfax. It’s still in the regulations. Your ds won’t be able to commute from home unless you’re looking at Oxford Brookes.

If he doesn’t receive the full loan , then you as parents need to make it up.
Think about your son, not yourselves.

For heaven’s sake.
Why are parents like this?

We encouraged my son to stay at home. It was a big mistake. He struggled to fit in. He’s now started again at a different relatively local uni, staying in halls. I think it would be even worse at Oxford than my son’s RG Uni, as surely virtually no one there will commute.

Besides, even being very academically able, there’s a very good chance he won’t get in anyway. Everyone who applies to Oxbridge is of that calibre.

My dad pressured me to live at home and I eventually gave in as I didn't want the hassle of upsetting/falling out with him. I still resent him to this day.

What if you can't make up the extra though? Do parents take out loans themselves? Not reached this stage myself but financially it's hard.

Why though? Let him live his life however he wants, he's not going to live at home forever.
I know it's hard to let go but he'll only resent you if you hold him back.

Start supporting him and his choices, poor lad.

I have been teasing my son to apply to the local RG uni, which is over the road from vis school. He doesn’t want to, he wants to move away and have the full halls of residence, new city experience. I get it, might cost us more but we’ll support it.