Page 24 | AIBU for pressuring my son to apply to unis close to home?

SassyBear2 · 2025-10-03T20:55:04+00:00

My son is very academically capable and wants to study Electrical Engineering. From what he’s researched, Cambridge is better for engineering than Oxford because it’s more hands-on and practical, and the acceptance rate is slightly higher. Despite this, we’ve been encouraging him to apply to Oxford. We live about an hour away by car, and if he went there he could commute from home, which would reduce how much we need to fund his uni life. He says he wants to move out for uni because he wants to "experience proper student life" and he believes uni accommodation is an important aspect of that. We’re also suggesting he look at London unis instead of other options like Warwick, because they’re only about an hour away if there’s no traffic. AIBU for pressuring him a bit to apply to local unis rather than slightly better ones further away? Is an hour commute really far uni? Also do most students move out for uni or do they stay at home?

cantkeepawayforever · 06/10/2025 15:18

Whether it would be a good idea is a totally different question .

Gfff · 06/10/2025 15:21

Don't think it'd work at all for Oxford

Fiddy1964 · 06/10/2025 16:14

My youngest son is now in his final year of a 4 year degree. He made his own decision to commute from home which is a 40-45 min bus journey. He did not want to go into student loan debt to pay for accommodation only around 40 mins away from home.
He was eligible for student bursaries because of my low income but would not have covered rent, let alone living expenses on top for food etc.
Luckily the Uni he is at was his first choice. He has also had free bus pass as here in Scotland they get free travel until they turn 22 which he will be next March, so only really a month or 2 until the end of the spring semester will he have to pay for transport whilst doing his final exams/dissertation.
He has been very lucky with friends who are staying in Edinburgh and occasionally crashes out at 1 of their flats if they have a late night out, otherwise he catches last bus home back here to Fife if night ends early enough. He doesn't feel he has missed out on the student experience and unlike a few of his friends, no debt to be repaid back once he starts his working adult life.

Gfff · 06/10/2025 16:44

Fiddy1964 · 06/10/2025 16:14

My youngest son is now in his final year of a 4 year degree. He made his own decision to commute from home which is a 40-45 min bus journey. He did not want to go into student loan debt to pay for accommodation only around 40 mins away from home.
He was eligible for student bursaries because of my low income but would not have covered rent, let alone living expenses on top for food etc.
Luckily the Uni he is at was his first choice. He has also had free bus pass as here in Scotland they get free travel until they turn 22 which he will be next March, so only really a month or 2 until the end of the spring semester will he have to pay for transport whilst doing his final exams/dissertation.
He has been very lucky with friends who are staying in Edinburgh and occasionally crashes out at 1 of their flats if they have a late night out, otherwise he catches last bus home back here to Fife if night ends early enough. He doesn't feel he has missed out on the student experience and unlike a few of his friends, no debt to be repaid back once he starts his working adult life.

That's awesome. Edinburgh is an amazing university.

Thisismetooaswell · 06/10/2025 19:45

Fiddy1964 · 06/10/2025 16:14

My youngest son is now in his final year of a 4 year degree. He made his own decision to commute from home which is a 40-45 min bus journey. He did not want to go into student loan debt to pay for accommodation only around 40 mins away from home.
He was eligible for student bursaries because of my low income but would not have covered rent, let alone living expenses on top for food etc.
Luckily the Uni he is at was his first choice. He has also had free bus pass as here in Scotland they get free travel until they turn 22 which he will be next March, so only really a month or 2 until the end of the spring semester will he have to pay for transport whilst doing his final exams/dissertation.
He has been very lucky with friends who are staying in Edinburgh and occasionally crashes out at 1 of their flats if they have a late night out, otherwise he catches last bus home back here to Fife if night ends early enough. He doesn't feel he has missed out on the student experience and unlike a few of his friends, no debt to be repaid back once he starts his working adult life.

That's absolutely brilliant - but the important part is 'He made his own decision'

notwavingbutdrowning1 · 07/10/2025 18:18

Gfff · 05/10/2025 20:07

Just saying that since we are already in London, it makes little sense to go elsewhere. If it's not Oxbridge there's little to no "trade up" to going elsewhere.

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I find it really depressing that you look at universities only in terms of their market value and 'trading up' or down. There might be all kinds of reasons for an 18-year-old to want to go elsewhere - better sports facilities, different modules in their chosen course, number of students, character of the town, staff ratios, etc. Ultimately it should be their choice, not yours. Most parents accept this, and the associated costs, as this thread shows. There's more to education than funnelling children down a preordained path.

There's also the question of the insurance choice. What happens if they don't get in to a university that is financially convenient for you? Should their insurance choice, which may well not be for a 'prestigious' university, also be geographically located to suit you? That is even more restrictive.

Gfff · 07/10/2025 19:03

notwavingbutdrowning1 · 07/10/2025 18:18

I find it really depressing that you look at universities only in terms of their market value and 'trading up' or down. There might be all kinds of reasons for an 18-year-old to want to go elsewhere - better sports facilities, different modules in their chosen course, number of students, character of the town, staff ratios, etc. Ultimately it should be their choice, not yours. Most parents accept this, and the associated costs, as this thread shows. There's more to education than funnelling children down a preordained path.

There's also the question of the insurance choice. What happens if they don't get in to a university that is financially convenient for you? Should their insurance choice, which may well not be for a 'prestigious' university, also be geographically located to suit you? That is even more restrictive.

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What's wrong? Why should I not prioritise the reputation the university has with employers and the prestige the name bestows? The academics are the most important things. London unis (LSE, imperial for example) are the best in the world at what they do. We are fortunate that these unis are right on our doorstep.

The London unis have good sports facilities and a lot of the social life is based around the sports societies. The London unis over a wide variety of modules for what my children wanted to study. The number of students is fine. London is a great place to be. Staff ratios is fine. My DC at the LSE frequented office hours a lot. My other DC in London got heavily involved as an UG research assistant.

It's their choice of subject. But I'm not going to fork out £ks to waste on rent so they can attend a lesser university just to "live out". DH and I worked very hard for our money. If they got into Oxbridge of course we'd support them financially. They've all had one year out in London. The rest, at home with us. They choose the subject and career. I'm not forcing them down any path.

They've all got good grades and predictors. Youngest has straight A*s predicted they'll get into one London university at least.

RampantIvy · 07/10/2025 20:19

You clearly have very bright DC who are going to change the world @Gfff

Most of us who have DC where the choice of where they went to university is far less important to employers than the subject they did and the degree classification they achieved. DD had no interest in maths/law/economics/politics/finance or any arts or humanities subjects and we couldn't afford London in any case.

Her career choice is not going to attract the kind of employers your DC are aiming for and, interestingly, the university she is currently doing her post grad degree at (Liverpool) is ranked third in the UK for her subject after Imperial and UCL.

DramaLlamacchiato · 07/10/2025 21:02

Gfff · 07/10/2025 19:03

What's wrong? Why should I not prioritise the reputation the university has with employers and the prestige the name bestows? The academics are the most important things. London unis (LSE, imperial for example) are the best in the world at what they do. We are fortunate that these unis are right on our doorstep.

The London unis have good sports facilities and a lot of the social life is based around the sports societies. The London unis over a wide variety of modules for what my children wanted to study. The number of students is fine. London is a great place to be. Staff ratios is fine. My DC at the LSE frequented office hours a lot. My other DC in London got heavily involved as an UG research assistant.

It's their choice of subject. But I'm not going to fork out £ks to waste on rent so they can attend a lesser university just to "live out". DH and I worked very hard for our money. If they got into Oxbridge of course we'd support them financially. They've all had one year out in London. The rest, at home with us. They choose the subject and career. I'm not forcing them down any path.

They've all got good grades and predictors. Youngest has straight A*s predicted they'll get into one London university at least.

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Their life and wellbeing is more important. I’d rather have an alive son with a degree from a less impressive institution than a dead one from a “better” one. Which is what I feared my son would have become had he stayed where he was. And yes, being extremely bright (actual achieved top grades, not just predicted ones) he coped fine with the academics. The other people and the support from the uni itself let him down - and probably not helped by commuting

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/10/2025 21:58

@Gfff - there are plenty of really good universities outside London and Oxbridge - Durham, Manchester, Edinburgh, for a start.

I hope your kids don’t resent you limiting their choices.

Holidaytimeyay · 07/10/2025 21:58

Gfff · 07/10/2025 19:03

What's wrong? Why should I not prioritise the reputation the university has with employers and the prestige the name bestows? The academics are the most important things. London unis (LSE, imperial for example) are the best in the world at what they do. We are fortunate that these unis are right on our doorstep.

The London unis have good sports facilities and a lot of the social life is based around the sports societies. The London unis over a wide variety of modules for what my children wanted to study. The number of students is fine. London is a great place to be. Staff ratios is fine. My DC at the LSE frequented office hours a lot. My other DC in London got heavily involved as an UG research assistant.

It's their choice of subject. But I'm not going to fork out £ks to waste on rent so they can attend a lesser university just to "live out". DH and I worked very hard for our money. If they got into Oxbridge of course we'd support them financially. They've all had one year out in London. The rest, at home with us. They choose the subject and career. I'm not forcing them down any path.

They've all got good grades and predictors. Youngest has straight A*s predicted they'll get into one London university at least.

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Some employers now use blind recruitment and remove the name of the uni from job applications to reduce unconscious bias….just saying.

boys3 · 07/10/2025 22:22

I’m intrigued @Gfff From a STEM perspective, and I’ll take a wild guess here and say you likely have little regard for the humanities, so sticking with STEM are you suggesting that the W should be removed from COWI?

Gfff · 08/10/2025 00:06

DramaLlamacchiato · 07/10/2025 21:02

Their life and wellbeing is more important. I’d rather have an alive son with a degree from a less impressive institution than a dead one from a “better” one. Which is what I feared my son would have become had he stayed where he was. And yes, being extremely bright (actual achieved top grades, not just predicted ones) he coped fine with the academics. The other people and the support from the uni itself let him down - and probably not helped by commuting

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Their wellbeing is/was fine. One of the reasons I told them Oxbridge isn't the be all end all is the insane pressure with the short terms.

One of my DC had a horrific second year in the midst of the COVID pandemic. They bounced back the next year and smashed final year.

Gfff · 08/10/2025 00:08

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/10/2025 21:58

@Gfff - there are plenty of really good universities outside London and Oxbridge - Durham, Manchester, Edinburgh, for a start.

I hope your kids don’t resent you limiting their choices.

We couldn't afford to have sent DC there. Especially after halls, especially since we have multiple DC who overlapped at uni.

Gfff · 08/10/2025 00:11

boys3 · 07/10/2025 22:22

I’m intrigued @Gfff From a STEM perspective, and I’ll take a wild guess here and say you likely have little regard for the humanities, so sticking with STEM are you suggesting that the W should be removed from COWI?

If my DC wanted to study humanities I'd support them.

Warwick is great for mathematics.

notwavingbutdrowning1 · 08/10/2025 09:53

Gfff · 07/10/2025 19:03

What's wrong? Why should I not prioritise the reputation the university has with employers and the prestige the name bestows? The academics are the most important things. London unis (LSE, imperial for example) are the best in the world at what they do. We are fortunate that these unis are right on our doorstep.

The London unis have good sports facilities and a lot of the social life is based around the sports societies. The London unis over a wide variety of modules for what my children wanted to study. The number of students is fine. London is a great place to be. Staff ratios is fine. My DC at the LSE frequented office hours a lot. My other DC in London got heavily involved as an UG research assistant.

It's their choice of subject. But I'm not going to fork out £ks to waste on rent so they can attend a lesser university just to "live out". DH and I worked very hard for our money. If they got into Oxbridge of course we'd support them financially. They've all had one year out in London. The rest, at home with us. They choose the subject and career. I'm not forcing them down any path.

They've all got good grades and predictors. Youngest has straight A*s predicted they'll get into one London university at least.

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They chose the subject and the career.

Wow. Lucky kids.

Gfff · 08/10/2025 10:01

notwavingbutdrowning1 · 08/10/2025 09:53

They chose the subject and the career.

Wow. Lucky kids.

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Yes of course it's their choice what to study. Why the sarcasm?

RampantIvy · 08/10/2025 10:52

Gfff · 08/10/2025 10:01

Yes of course it's their choice what to study. Why the sarcasm?

Edited

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I think it's the dismissive way you have written about universities that aren't in London. Not everyone needs to go to a "world class" university for their career choice.

Gfff · 08/10/2025 11:37

RampantIvy · 08/10/2025 10:52

I think it's the dismissive way you have written about universities that aren't in London. Not everyone needs to go to a "world class" university for their career choice.

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Doesn't exactly hurt to go to one though? Why not go to the best university possible? My main thing was that since we have the best on our doorstep it's very easy to commute to them.

notwavingbutdrowning1 · 08/10/2025 12:04

Gfff · 08/10/2025 11:37

Doesn't exactly hurt to go to one though? Why not go to the best university possible? My main thing was that since we have the best on our doorstep it's very easy to commute to them.

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There is no such thing as the 'best university'. There is no such thing as the best course. It is a question of what best suits an individual student – and there are multiple factors involved in that.

It's not just about league tables, which tend to rely on a number of subjective factors in any case.

Motheranddaughter · 08/10/2025 13:03

@Gfff
what would you have done if they had said they wante to go to X uni
or even stayed in a flat for 2nd year
I genuinely don’t understand how you can /or why you would seek to control your DC in this way
Do they all just say yes mum no mum
I have had years when more than 1 DC was at Uni,it’s just all part of the system

We pay rent and spending money so they will not have loans to repay

Gfff · 08/10/2025 14:44

notwavingbutdrowning1 · 08/10/2025 12:04

There is no such thing as the 'best university'. There is no such thing as the best course. It is a question of what best suits an individual student – and there are multiple factors involved in that.

It's not just about league tables, which tend to rely on a number of subjective factors in any case.

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LSE is better for social sciences than most other UK unis. Imperial is better for the natural sciences. Only exceptions would be Oxbridge. As I said there'd be no "value add" in moving away from London unless it was Oxbridge. What would be the advantage had my eldest turned down LSE Economics to do economics at Bath, Bristol, Nottingham etc? We saved so much money just staying in London.

Gfff · 08/10/2025 14:48

Motheranddaughter · 08/10/2025 13:03

@Gfff
what would you have done if they had said they wante to go to X uni
or even stayed in a flat for 2nd year
I genuinely don’t understand how you can /or why you would seek to control your DC in this way
Do they all just say yes mum no mum
I have had years when more than 1 DC was at Uni,it’s just all part of the system

We pay rent and spending money so they will not have loans to repay

I would have said no we can't afford it.

We saved thousands of pounds having DC stay in London.

Motheranddaughter · 08/10/2025 17:38

Gfff · 08/10/2025 14:48

I would have said no we can't afford it.

We saved thousands of pounds having DC stay in London.

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I get that,mine have cost me over £100k already
Not that I grudge it,happy to support them
But do all your DC just agree to go along with what you want ?
Do none of them get annoyed
They must be very compliant!

RampantIvy · 08/10/2025 17:55

There are two different issues here.

Going to university locally when your DC can stay at home is cheaper
I doubt very much that a prospective employer is going to discriminate against a graduate because they went to Durham, St Andrews or even Bath (which is consistently a top 10 university) instead of UCL or Imperial.