AIBU for pressuring my son to apply to unis close to home?

[SassyBear2]

My son is very academically capable and wants to study Electrical Engineering. From what he’s researched, Cambridge is better for engineering than Oxford because it’s more hands-on and practical, and the acceptance rate is slightly higher.

Despite this, we’ve been encouraging him to apply to Oxford. We live about an hour away by car, and if he went there he could commute from home, which would reduce how much we need to fund his uni life.

He says he wants to move out for uni because he wants to "experience proper student life" and he believes uni accommodation is an important aspect of that.

We’re also suggesting he look at London unis instead of other options like Warwick, because they’re only about an hour away if there’s no traffic.

AIBU for pressuring him a bit to apply to local unis rather than slightly better ones further away? Is an hour commute really far uni? Also do most students move out for uni or do they stay at home?

Hands off his life, let him get into student debt if he needs to, OP.

I think this is incredibly unreasonable. You shouldn’t be micromanaging his future to this extent. Hopefully university will be a fantastic experience for him. Why would you want to diminish that, and take him away from his friends? They will be central to his life by then and you will have faded into the background. And in any case, the need to be on campus doesn’t lessen in the final year. As a PP said, the workload at Oxford or Cambridge will be extremely heavy and he needs to be there.

That’s bonkers. The work gets more intense as the course goes on and he will need to be living near uni not wasting time commuting. He might be in a relationship too. You need to let him grow up and manage this himself.

I would have liked my Foster Son to go to our local university where he was offered a £5k per year bursary to go there and on top of this he'd also most likely have got a minor Sports bursary too as he plays at a county level, but he chose to go to another University where he won't get a bursary and it's costing £8200 for a 40 week contract. I went through how much debt he might have from University 1 then University 2 but then told him to think carefully but it has to be his choice. He is the one who will pick up the debt so he has to choose. He went with University 2 as they have this option to study in Australia for part of his second year and University 1 didn't have that option.

Come on OP. You know you can’t do this. You need to sit down tomorrow and apologise to him. Say your being silly, you love him and he should pick the uni best for him.

In terms of the minimum loan not being enough - it’s not supposed to be; it’s means tested on parental income. So if he only qualifies for the minimum amount then you should be able to support him reasonably well financially.

If he does end up at an Oxbridge college he’ll need a lot less money then if he goes elsewhere. My DC managed on the minimum loan because the rent was low compared to other universities. Most importantly, living in, which was an option for all 3 years, meant paying rent for three 8-week terms rather than for 51 weeks as at other universities.

YABVU and you don’t really seem to understand how student life works these days. ‘Most of the parties’ do not die out in the third year, for a start. The vast majority of students don’t live at home for any of their three years.

In general, you seem to be forgetting that your son will be a grown adult when he goes to uni. None of these decisions are yours to make. It’s his adult life and his adult future you’re talking about; it’s for him to decide. You’re being really pushy and overbearing. Cut the apron strings FFS; it’s not school and he’s not a child. You can’t tell a grown man what to do.

It sounds like getting away is by far the healthiest thing for him.

Back in the early 2000s now but I stayed at home and commuted 20 miles to Uni - to begin with by train and then driving.

I had a secure and well paid part time job (2 weeknights 6pm-10pm and a Saturday 8am-4.30pm) in a customer service centre very close to home. My parents’ income was such that I didn’t qualify for any grants and only the minimum student loan award and they didn’t have the money to cover any extra expenses associated with me attending Uni.

Sadly the main reason for the commuting was the boyfriend I had whilst doing my A Levels, who influenced me to pick local Unis so we could continue to see each other easily.

He was a controlling, abusive dickhead and I wish I hadn’t listened to him -ironically, I ended up dumping him a few weeks before I started my first year, so he need never have been a factor!

I definitely missed out on a huge element of the Uni experience by not staying onsite / near campus, so I think you should be trying whatever you can to support/facilitate your son’s aspirations here. If you are concerned regarding finances, have an open and honest conversation with him as to what is do-able, which may include him having to get a part time job to cover some of his own expenses.

OP - of course you are being unreasonable.
Let your son apply to the unis that he wants to apply to. And of course - living at uni accomodation is part of Uni experience.
Are you from Europe? It is more normal for some of the European universities in big cities for the kids to stay at home if they apply to the university in their city,
But in the UK - living in the student accommodation is part of experience.
As to Oxford vs Cambridge for Electrical engineering - it is really up to him.

He needs an entry test - ESAT for Cambridge and Imperial; or PAT for Oxford.
I hope he registered for both as they are happening fairly soon.
They are quire different - so by adding Oxford to the mix he hedges his bets - but again -really up to him.
As to Warwick vs London unis - you do realise that accommodation in London is a lot more expensive than in Warwick? And, just FYI - accommodation at Oxford is heavily subsidised.
Bottom line - let you son figure out what he wants to do with his life. And good luck to him!!!

I don't think he can live at home. It doesn't work like that at Oxford. They are taught in tutorials in small groups in the individual colleges where they live, alongside attending lectures/labs with students from other colleges enrolled on the same degree, for the larger scale delivery bits, in the department buildings. The colleges are like Halls but they literally sit their exams there etc. Same for Cambs. So he ought to apply where he prefers. You know it's too late for 2026, is he currently in year 12 or 13? They had to register for the exams before now.

Living at home during university is not good - he should experience everything uni has to offer. He also needs to go for the best university course that suits his requirements. Don’t hold him back.

This would be extremely unreasonable - I can’t remember anyone in our college at Oxford who lived at home and commuted. As a student you’d be completely out of step with everyone else and isolated as a result. Oxford and Cambridge colleges offer very generous financial support (more so than other unis).

From a financial perspective, I can see where OP is coming from. The point at which only a minimum loan is awarded is pretty low if you live in an expensive part of the country and still have a mortgage to pay. It's a lot of money to find.
Even so, I don't think you should be trying to place restrictions on your DS. An hour's commute into Oxford? Unless you're already in Oxfordshire that's not realistic. I don't know what different colleges might allow.

YABU. Cambridge has long holidays he can work full time in the holidays and get student loans.

Please let him go live there. I regret every day that I commuted for an hour + to my university.

The largest benefit of going to uni in my opinion is the network you get, and at Oxbridge, that's especially true. It's where you might find your friends for life, your partner for life. People don't really commute to Oxbridge anyway, the whole point is to immerse yourself in the collegiate culture. You'll be saying no to all the late night events and deep chats which are so priceless.

Depending on the salary he gets, the extra loan might not even cost much extra in the long run. Look up Martin Lewis's calculator for this, you might be surprised but at the end of the day, it is a tax.

He won’t be able to,if he goes to Cambridge. It is a condition of studying there.

It's not about going to parties OP.
It's about growing up. Taking responsibility for yourself. Finding your own way. Making connections. Taking your first steps out into the world.

It's not for everyone, but if that's what your son wants you'd be doing him a disservice to try and persuade him not to. If you think it's about parties you are showing that you don't really have enough understanding to be advising him.

I’m not a good person to ask as I went abroad for my full uni life. Best years of my life. I always felt sorry for the commuters as they didn’t experience proper uni life. I can’t tell you how many dossed down on my floor so they could join in. The experience for me was worth more than money.

Totally agree, yes the parties wee fabulous, but that’s not all there is. There are friendships forged which will last a lifetime, access to the library, support during exams, washing for yourself, cooking for yourself, making travel arrangements, navigating a new city, working out your own finances… all part of growing up.

University is about the whole experience, not just the studying..He should go away.

And if they don’t have the funds to make up the difference ??

It's interesting how things work in different places. Both my sons have a 1 hour + commute to uni but commuting is the norm where we live (Sydney, Australia). It tends to be students that have come from outside the city that live in student housing. One of my sons is also doing electrical engineering and it is quite demanding compared to a lot of other uni courses so with the commute it doesn't really leave a whole lot of time in his life for socialising.

I think your son is at the age where you need to let him make his own decision and if the norm is to live in student housing and that's what he wants to do, I would go with that.

I would encourage your DS to do the best program possible. My daughter and son are both studying mechanical engineering and are flourishing at top schools. Overall I think the extra expense will be worth it in the end. Fwiw my mother made all her kids live at home and we all resented her for it. I would not deprive your DS of his own experience away from home.

Well, either the child doesn’t go to uni, hopes they can get a bursary, lives on a pittance or has to get a job (can be a challenge in uni heavy cities). Any family whose income means the child qualifies for max loan is not expected to contribute but above that, it’s a sliding scale down to minimum. As I said, combined household income of a bit over £60K is the threshold for the minimum loan. Usually at that level, the family has some disposable income.

Families will have some lower costs as a result of having one less child at home such as reduced food costs, lower electricity bills etc which can soften the blow but I’ll be honest and say we would not be able to afford to fund a child going to London. As it happened, that was never likely.

It should be remembered that minimum loan also means less to repay.

Why?!