AIBU for pressuring my son to apply to unis close to home?

[SassyBear2]

My son is very academically capable and wants to study Electrical Engineering. From what he’s researched, Cambridge is better for engineering than Oxford because it’s more hands-on and practical, and the acceptance rate is slightly higher.

Despite this, we’ve been encouraging him to apply to Oxford. We live about an hour away by car, and if he went there he could commute from home, which would reduce how much we need to fund his uni life.

He says he wants to move out for uni because he wants to "experience proper student life" and he believes uni accommodation is an important aspect of that.

We’re also suggesting he look at London unis instead of other options like Warwick, because they’re only about an hour away if there’s no traffic.

AIBU for pressuring him a bit to apply to local unis rather than slightly better ones further away? Is an hour commute really far uni? Also do most students move out for uni or do they stay at home?

He's researched and has good reasons for his course selection. That strikes me as mature and focussed

Surely he can work in the holidays to help fund it? And /or take a gap year and save up? (Thats what I did)

He’ll have a very different experience commuting from home to uni than he would have if he actually lives there. It’s not all about the education, he’s miss out on a lot of the experience.

YABVU. Oxford and Cambridge both have really short terms and are actually cheaper than other unis. If he has a chance of getting in he should apply to the one he wants to; if he gets in, figure out how to make it work financially. Has he been to open days? My DS thought he wanted to do engineering at Cambridge until he went to the open days. He’s now v happy at a uni 4 hours away from us. We downsized our house so we can support our DC at uni.

@SassyBear2 my DS studies electrical
engineering at Imperial and is less than 1 hour away from home but lives there as they have long hours and a 2 hour commute wouldn’t be feasible with high contact hours and he loves the whole independence, student experience and has matured greatly since he started a few years ago. It’s also an amazing course there. Maybe your son can take a gap year and earn to help finances?

Thanks for the reply. I understand that student life is an important aspect of uni however I'm encouraging DS to be uni accommodation for the the first 1/2 years and then for the final years (once most of the parties die out) to stay at home.

YABVU.

As well as the academic study, university is an opportunity to experience independence, money management, budgeting, relationships, discipline and a whole range of things he won’t be able to do from home.

An hour’s commute will get tedious very quickly and reduce the chances to experience all that university has to offer.

Probably repeating what others have said but:

Unless they've changed it in the last couple of years Oxford and Cambridge insist you live within the boundaries of the city in any case. And an hour's commute on top of an Oxford degree would be an unmanageable nightmare. And you'd be so busy that if you lived out you'd have no time to make any friends. I really think it would ruin the entire experience for him.

Oxford residence requirements here:
https://www.ox.ac.uk/students/life/residency

He HAS to live within 6 miles of Carfax tower as an undergraduate.

Let him live at uni if you can possibly find a way to make it work. It’s an important opportunity for him to have a proper university experience and it won’t be fun if he can’t go out at night.

(Cambridge is similar, but 3 miles:
https://www.cambridgestudents.cam.ac.uk/new-students/manage-your-student-information/personal-information/residence )

A Commute like that to Oxford would be brutal. The courses are so intense during term time that he would not cope. You can get random supervisions in the evening at 8 pm for example. What you are suggesting is v difficult. Let him fly the nest. Please.

25 miles if they live with a parent or guardian

Utterly unreasonable. I am guessing Cambridge has a better reputation for his field than Oxford does, so if he's capable of getting into the best institution, why would you not celebrate and encourage that? And the idea that "all the parties die out" as a student gets more advanced and more dug into college life seems wildly unlikely to me.

An hour’s commute on top of a heavy academic workload is a lot.

An hour’s commute will cut him off from most social life.

Both Oxford and Cambridge revolve around the Colleges in which they study and live.

He should apply to the university and course that best suits his aspirations and interests.

Your over-involved planning will seriously undermine your Ds’s progress.

If you don’t want to support him financially I believe you can sign a form that says you will not be supporting him at all and will not be involved , then he can apply for a full loan. I seem to remember. Hard to imagine a parent not doing what they can though, to support a talented clever young person.

Well to answer your last question, IME most students move out in the UK. However in recent years there has been a trend for students to go local in order to save money. I live in the East Mids and know a number of YP who have stayed at home and commuted to NTU or Sheffield or Loughborough.

An hour’s commute is a bit much IMHO tho. And "about an hour if there’s no traffic” sounds longer than an hour to me.

If he stays at home he will have a very different experience and it sounds as tho it's not the one he wants. You could put it to him that you can only fund him so far and he needs to either:

• Take a gap year, get a job and save
• Work while studying
• Look for a uni (there are plenty) where rents are lower – £4-7k pa rather than £9-12k (oh yes)

Or all three. It's his life too. If he gets the min loan (which let’s face it, most of our YP will - HH income only needs to be about £60k) how much can you afford to top up? Bear in mind it will only be for three or four years.

I agree btw that if he got into Cambs or Oxford it would be a great shame not to live in. And I cannot imagine the uni would be vey keen. ETA: I see I have x-posted with PPs confirming this.

A lot of privilege on this thread. Life at uni isn't completely subsidised as it once was- lots of people just can't afford to send their kids, especially if they choose courses where it isn't possible to work alongside their studies. There are thousands of students who choose local unis because of the financial aspect of living at home.

OP, if you really can't afford it, I'd have that conversation openly with your DS and encourage him to work during the holidays, or to take a year out to work in order to make money to save for uni. You can't decide for him, but he does need to know where he stands financially, so if you can only afford a very small amount to support him, he needs to know that.

Also op, by the time he goes to uni he will be an adult and frankly you should support him but this is his choice to make and not really your business. If finances are an issue lay it out to him and support him in finding a solution.

Sorry, missed that exclusion. Doesn’t sound as if it applies to OP anyway.

If you don’t want to support him financially I believe you can sign a form that says you will not be supporting him at all and will not be involved , then he can apply for a full loan.

Pretty sure this is not the case. Otherwise surely everyone who applies for a loan would do this? And how could it be policed? What you can do is refuse to supply your income details – but the StF assumes you earn well and gives the min loan.

Keep out of it. Let your son make the choices he wants to make. Let him spread his wings and find his independence. You are being so unreasonable I can't even - my DS graduated this year. I'm in Suffolk. He's in Plymouth and is staying there. And that is how it is meant to be. They fly the nest and live their own lives.

What's the actual reason here OP? Is it money, or is it more about not wanting him to be far away? Do you have any grounds for being concerned he won't cope with living away?

We have a Y13, he has applied to 2 local and 3 away. We have budgeted for him to live out so he will even if he stays local. You don't get the whole experience if you live at home. I also don't want to be wondering where he is at 4am!
I was in Glasgow loads of people commuted but moved put in second year because they hated living at home

One of the really good things about our most ancient universities (compared to some others) is the level of hardship funding / support available for students there.

Also, shorter terms = more possibility if earning during holidays, although minimal opportunity for jobs during term.

Applying to Oxford (or London) because he can live at home is a bit odd. He wants to move out and he wants Cambridge. Let him make his own choices - presumably he is getting a loan anyway?