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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU for pressuring my son to apply to unis close to home?

616 replies

SassyBear2 · 03/10/2025 21:55

My son is very academically capable and wants to study Electrical Engineering. From what he’s researched, Cambridge is better for engineering than Oxford because it’s more hands-on and practical, and the acceptance rate is slightly higher.

Despite this, we’ve been encouraging him to apply to Oxford. We live about an hour away by car, and if he went there he could commute from home, which would reduce how much we need to fund his uni life.

He says he wants to move out for uni because he wants to "experience proper student life" and he believes uni accommodation is an important aspect of that.

We’re also suggesting he look at London unis instead of other options like Warwick, because they’re only about an hour away if there’s no traffic.

AIBU for pressuring him a bit to apply to local unis rather than slightly better ones further away? Is an hour commute really far uni? Also do most students move out for uni or do they stay at home?

OP posts:
WeeGeeBored · 03/10/2025 23:17

Poor guy. Let him choose the uni he goes to himself! I bet he can’t wait to be free of you!!

RampantIvy · 03/10/2025 23:18

Cinaferna · 03/10/2025 23:04

YABVU. No one should live at home for uni unless they actively want to or have to for health reasons. He can get a loan for living costs. It's not means-tested. You could top it up a bit with whatever you would have spent anyway on his food and commuting costs.

The minimum loan doesn't even cover halls fees these days, let alone other living costs.

Buxusmortus · 03/10/2025 23:19

You haven't been to university have you OP? Because if you had you'd be encouraging him to live away, not stay tied to your apron strings.
Of course young people go to university to gain a degree, but they also go to gain independence, find out who they are and their values, meet lots of people the same age, have a great social life and quite honestly also have the opportunity to act in a silly irresponsible way, probably for the only length of time in their life, none of which would be possible if they lived at home and were commuting 2 hours a day.

I'm old and went to university 4 hours from home 45 years ago. As well as studying , I was cooking for myself, learning how to budget and pay bills, learning how to live independently. I also got very drunk, I had one night stands, I stayed up all night talking and watched sunrises, I went to parties that carried on till 6 am, I met the love of my life and had nights of wild sex, yes unnecessary things, but I enjoyed it all immensely and wouldn't want to have missed out, it was part of my formative years and I certainly couldn't have done that living at home.

When my son was applying to university the best course for him was at the one in our local city about half an hour from home. I said to him that if he wanted to go there he had to live away from home in halls then in a shared house, just as he would have done had he gone further away, because he needed to embrace the full experience. I also said I wouldn't be doing any shopping or laundry etc, he had to deal with that himself too. That's exactly what he did and he had a great time, met his now wife there. I saw him more than I would have done, we met for coffees and meals and he came for Sunday lunch every now and then, but I made sure he was having the same student experience he would have had he lived further away.

Financially you'll be expected to contribute and he can get a student loan. He can work in the holidays to save money and learn to live frugally, like most students do.

Let him make the most of the opportunity given to him. Living at home will stifle that.

SALaw · 03/10/2025 23:21

He’d be very isolated from his fellow students if he lived an hour’s drive away. It really restricts ability to socialise.

Bloozie · 03/10/2025 23:23

I understand the desire to keep his debt low, especially in the current recruitment market. Even a STEM degree from Oxford or Cambridge is no guarantee of an easy entrance into the world of work.

I absolutely understand your logic.

It’s probably not cool though.

Littlemisscapable · 03/10/2025 23:25

KimHwn · 03/10/2025 22:16

A lot of privilege on this thread. Life at uni isn't completely subsidised as it once was- lots of people just can't afford to send their kids, especially if they choose courses where it isn't possible to work alongside their studies. There are thousands of students who choose local unis because of the financial aspect of living at home.

OP, if you really can't afford it, I'd have that conversation openly with your DS and encourage him to work during the holidays, or to take a year out to work in order to make money to save for uni. You can't decide for him, but he does need to know where he stands financially, so if you can only afford a very small amount to support him, he needs to know that.

This .goodness me...subsidising several years of undergraduate study is beyond the reach of many people I know, rent is very expensive....and sometimes our young people will have to make sensible financial decisions as well as follow their dreams etc. Its not the end of the world. If he wants the full uni experience he will need to figure out how to afford it and will it be financially worth it in the long-term based on the course he chooses.

kodakpp3 · 03/10/2025 23:26

Part of uni is the actual coursework and I believe Cambridge is good for electronics. (As are others)

The other part of uni is going away, looking after yourself, spreading your wings.

So whilst his fellow Oxford students are socialising, learning about like, talking about studies etc your lad is in the car coming home.

Also….. where will he park?

My guide …… to far away to bring washing home regularly, close enough to go there if needed for the evening.

Our 3 were close enough to bring washing home but rarely did. One came Bach to our home town weekly - but for a job (related to his course) Didn’t pop in to see us though.

Your DS needs to study where he wants to, where it is best for him.

Cinaferna · 03/10/2025 23:28

Littlemisscapable · 03/10/2025 23:25

This .goodness me...subsidising several years of undergraduate study is beyond the reach of many people I know, rent is very expensive....and sometimes our young people will have to make sensible financial decisions as well as follow their dreams etc. Its not the end of the world. If he wants the full uni experience he will need to figure out how to afford it and will it be financially worth it in the long-term based on the course he chooses.

Show quote history

That's what the loans are for. I didn't give DC more than I already spent on them They took out full loans and I paid for their phone contracts as always and gave them food money. They had holiday jobs.

Saracen · 03/10/2025 23:30

Besides what everyone else has said... the fact that you can drive to Oxford in an hour doesn't mean your son's commute would be an hour. There's nowhere to park in town unless you're loaded or disabled or you have an employer who provides parking. Nearly everyone who commutes by car and needs to get into Oxford city centre uses the park and ride. So you have to allow time for that. Also I don't know whether you've allowed for rush hour traffic in your estimate.

Try having a go at travelling from your home all the way into city centre, including using the park and ride, to arrive at 9am on a weekday. Then add on an extra 20 minutes in case of unusually heavy traffic or bus delays: obviously he can't just aim to arrive to a lecture at approximately the correct time. I wouldn't be surprised if he'd actually have to leave home about two hours beforehand.

likeacircleinaspirallikeawheelwithinawheel · 03/10/2025 23:35

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

LBFseBrom · 03/10/2025 23:37

Leave it up to him, let him weigh up the pros and cons and come to his own decision. He'll manage and I'm sure he'll do well wherever he goes.

Congratulations on raising a potentially successful young man! I'm sure you are proud.

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 03/10/2025 23:38

I moved 200 miles for university. You can’t be clingy like this. You can’t choose his degree and university course for him. You aren’t the one studying there and living there. It’s his life.

NoSoupForU · 03/10/2025 23:39

You're being massively unreasonable because frankly it isn't your choice or really anything to do with you.

ShoveItUpYourArseMargaret · 03/10/2025 23:41

You need to let him make his own decisions and live his own life, he is an adult now.

My DC are both hours away, its tough but they really are living their best lives.

ItsAMoooPoint · 03/10/2025 23:42

He'll have far too many in-person hours at uni for an hour commute to be considered reasonable. That's a very, very long day, every day.

GameWheelsAlarm · 03/10/2025 23:45

Yabu. He should apply to the places that are best for the subject he wants to do and the style of teaching and learning for that subject that suit him best. If he gets a place at Oxford for reasons of logistical convenience when Cambridge is the better fit, he will be miserable and will not get the best result he is capable of.

Students regularly travel for 5 hours or more for uni. It's only 6 journeys a year.

AstonUniversityPotholeDepartment · 03/10/2025 23:50

As other people have said, students at Oxford are obligated to live within 6 miles' radius of Carfax Tower to keep their place.

ButterPiesAreGreat · 03/10/2025 23:52

ShepherdMoons · 03/10/2025 23:14

What if you can't make up the extra though? Do parents take out loans themselves? Not reached this stage myself but financially it's hard.

Someone who is on minimum loan comes from a household with a combined income of at least £62,000 so you should have some disposable income. There’s an element of saving for it but I think most parents will pay their child an allowance monthly or cover their rent. Personally speaking, we opted for private halls as they were cheaper than uni halls and were more practical for multiple reasons. We also didn’t like the uni accommodation we saw at open day. Plus private halls often do deals like cash back and stuff like that.

We are lucky in that DD chose a city that is not too expensive to live in; I give her a monthly allowance that is manageable for us and is enough to cover her costs. If she needs more, she knows she can ask. I pay her mobile contract too but it’s not expensive.

CheeseyOnionPie · 03/10/2025 23:55

You are being completely unreasonable. This is HIS uni experience and he should choose his own course and his own uni. Your being controlling.

Ketzele · 03/10/2025 23:58

I know its hard. It is very expensive to support a child through uni. I will admit I asked my dd to include cost of living in her critera, and was very pleased that she picked a northern uni. But I did that in the knowledge that she wouldn't let me influence her choices, and I would have accepted it if she'd gone for her offer from Bristol, for example.

I understand Oxbridge has a lot of bursaries etc, so look into that. They don't allow termtime working, but have long holidays so you could ask him to work then. And he could take a gap year and use it for working and saving, rather than travel.

JFDIYOLO · 03/10/2025 23:59

The poor lad has got to become an adult sometime, and going to uni is a rite of passage where living in hall or lodgings or shared student house is something most of his peers will be doing.

Still living with mum and dad will infantilise him.

Also, getting a job will help him with his expenses.

Alternatively he could defer going to uni for a few years, get a job and build savings first.

Either way, cut the umbilical cord.

clary · 04/10/2025 00:02

@Cinaferna the thing is that the loan is means-tested. You can't just "take out a full loan". The minimum is less than £5k this year outside London, and that will barely cover rent in halls even in the cheapest places. In a lot of unis halls cost £8k or more.

While I agree with most (and said so) that the Op's DS should be supported to go where he wants and where is best – and in any case he cannot commute to Oxford – I do wonder if some PPs have a YP at uni or have had one in recent years.

This year I am paying DS2's rent as his loan is the minimum and less than usual as it's his final year. So that's £550 pm. That's Ok. But for some people, even those on the princely HH income of £62k, it’s not OK. So I do think the Op needs to have a conversation with her DS. It's not as simple as "take out a loan".

Fushoutofwata · 04/10/2025 00:07

Maybe he needs to get a Saturday job?

caringcarer · 04/10/2025 00:07

You have to let him make this important decision for himself and stop pressuring him. He has to pick where will be best for his future. I think you are being selfish to pressure him about this. This will affect his whole working future. Let him get a loan and you pay to top it up. Living away from home and learning how to care for himself and socialise is part of the student experience. Don't steal this from him.

HappyGolmore2 · 04/10/2025 00:09

Hands off his life, let him get into student debt if he needs to, OP.

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