AIBU for pressuring my son to apply to unis close to home?

[SassyBear2]

My son is very academically capable and wants to study Electrical Engineering. From what he’s researched, Cambridge is better for engineering than Oxford because it’s more hands-on and practical, and the acceptance rate is slightly higher.

Despite this, we’ve been encouraging him to apply to Oxford. We live about an hour away by car, and if he went there he could commute from home, which would reduce how much we need to fund his uni life.

He says he wants to move out for uni because he wants to "experience proper student life" and he believes uni accommodation is an important aspect of that.

We’re also suggesting he look at London unis instead of other options like Warwick, because they’re only about an hour away if there’s no traffic.

AIBU for pressuring him a bit to apply to local unis rather than slightly better ones further away? Is an hour commute really far uni? Also do most students move out for uni or do they stay at home?

The guidance for funding for students estranged from their parents is here:
https://www.ucas.com/money-and-student-life/money/additional-funding/financial-support-for-students-not-supported-by-their-parents-estranged

The conditions are stringent

The parties don't die out in final year. He'll have been living independently for years and you think that you'll be happy living together? Sorry op, you're kidding yourself

Why in earth would,your DS want t commute from home? He’s going to university: it’s not just about studying, but also about leaving home, growing up, managing on your own - don’t infantilise him, especially as he sounds like a very bright young man. Let him go out into the world and find his own way - sorry, OP, but you really are being staggeringly unreasonable.

Sorry, you need to let go and let him be an adult, on his own terms. I went away (four hours from my parents' house by train) at 18 and I can tell you I needed that distance. If you managed to force him to live with you as a student it would not be good for your relationship with him.

That sounds really stupid as it is often in the final year when you have dissertations and other projects that you need to be near the library, labs and workshops etc

Commuting to University is really not like living at university - you miss out on a lot of friendship and study opportunities - I know as I've done both. It is really tough if you are on a course that has group work as it makes you a very unpopular group member if you can't meet up after hours and can lead to more struggles to get decent grades (I ended up in the "no hopers" group on one project with the girl who decided to drop out, the guy with MH problems and the lovely Finnish exchange student that struggled with the language because of the commute which also put us under a lot of time pressure as the Finnish student had booked tickets to Lappland)

He'll have to get a job and start saving before university. All three of mine did .

It is very difficult to get into Oxbridge so the last thing you should be concerned with is how close they are to your home! He needs to apply where the course is best and he stands the best chance. You can't just swap in Oxford for Cambridge, he probably won't get into Oxford anyway (probability wise) and so you should definitely not limit him in this way- let him try out for the best of the best in his field.

Why do you want him to stay at home? Is it to save money?

You don't sound like you know how Oxbridge works. I hope he has someone advising him who has at least done a little research.

You should have a fixed amount that you are willing to “fund” your son’s uni. If he stays at home he can have that money towards a house deposit or daily living, if he moves in it that money goes towards accommodation.

xan he get a job at uni? Student overdrafts etc, work in the summer this is all very normal for a student.

He's right, it's all part of the uni life. He'll grow so much, gain his independence, it's a healthy break away from your parents to start living your own life and all the lessons outside the classroom that comes with that.

I think he should choose the best uni for him based on the course and support him through that. Also commuting two hours a day would really start to take it's toll and he'll end up missing out on the social bits.

My mother who was a worrier insisted I stay at home and commute because she was extremely worried about finances and quite controlling but with good intentions. It was absolutely awful. I was miserable at home as all my school friends had gone away for uni. My uni friends weren’t as close to me as to each other as I had to disappear off every night so missed out on all the late night chats and socialising. I was up super early if had 09.00 lectures and stuck in rush hour traffic in evenings. Had to carry so much stuff around with me as didn’t have halls to go back to. Was always intruding on others as large gaps between lectures/seminars and no where to go. It was miserable. I ended up moving out for second year onwards. I had a weekend job so went home every weekend for that. I also didn’t go to as good a uni as I could have if I could have applied further afield. Please don’t do this to him. Let him thrive and live his life for him.

I think YABU and anyway, if he got a place at Uni of Oxford it is required that students live in College for their 1st year at least. He would be very unusual to commute from home in later years and regardless he wants to leave home. He’ll be an adult so it is his decision.

This has to be clickbait: anyway probably one of the most bonkers threads I’ve ever read on MN

Are you wanting him to stay at home because of finances or because you want him closer to you? If it’s for finances I get it. Uni is horrendously expensive now more than ever and not every family have got the capacity to top up

Oxford and Cambridge are not like other universities. Oxford requires their full-time students to live within a specified radius of the Carfax Tower. Your son will not be able to qualify for his degree if he commutes from an hour away.

Encourage him go to Cambridge. There are bursaries he can look into if the family is truly hard off.

DD is at uni 30 mins away and was in halls in year 1 and with friends after. We encouraged her to fly. Don’t be like my mother who interfered throughout my GCSEs and A levels. I picked my uni and it was as far away as I could get

Also, belonging to a college and experiencing college life is a huge part of the Oxbridge experience. I’m sorry, but you are holding him back.

You know that means you’re considered financially able to fund the difference and support him through uni?

It's going to flatten us to pay for oldest DC to go to uni next year, as they want to go in London (where we live) but we're still going to lay out unless we're in real financial trouble because for me 50 per cent of the point of uni is experiencing living away from home, and he'll probably be living the other side of London which will pratically be like living in another city!

you need to let him go OP. He can get a job in the holidays and loans. Sounds like he is likely to earn it back!!

Ah OK yes – I was aware of this but thought it was really aimed at YP who have maybe lost both parents or basically already mover out of the family home for whatever reason.

In fact reading the details that is the purpose of it. I don't think a parent can say "I’m not supporting them" as a way of getting max loan. I presume SF test in some way the truth of the "estranged for a year" claim.

Up to a month before A Level Results Day, DD was going to live with her dad through uni. I was (still am) moving away. Then for a couple of reasons (personal to her dad) she decided that actually, no, she was going into halls. She already seems very happy there, even though, for the next couple of weeks, she's only living three miles away from me 😂. She wanted the whole uni experience. It's expensive, but I think we can make it work.

Interestingly, my mum, my daughter and I all moved out at the age of 19. There was this, urge, to leave, weirdly.

You have to let them do what they want to. My DD will be short on rent already this term despite the loan, but she's looking for work to make up the difference. Her dad and I saved up what we could but it's not going to cover everything. I send her money for food, as does her dad & grandparents, That's the life of being a student, which is living cheaply, away from home, eating baked beans on the supermarket vouchers we send, and worrying about debt later. It's their best years. Don't stifle your son's desires to live out.

Yes as per a previous poster you son won’t be permitted to live at home - it’s too far away. So your plan won’t work.

https://www.ox.ac.uk/students/life/residency

Cambridge has similar rules.

They are both exceptionally wealthy unis and there is a lot in the way of extra financial assistance if required so for heaven’s sake don’t stand in his way if he wants to go to Cambridge.

In your first post you imply this is about money, which is fair enough. I agree with a PP about having an open conversation with him about the limits of the financial support. My gut feeling is that he should go to Oxford or Cambridge (living in either) and you should all try and make it work, at least for the first year. Tread carefully on this because if you don’t then the relationship may not be quite the same again.

Can he take a year out to work? Are there any bursaries?