To miss DS’s wedding? *trigger warning*, concerns rape

[GiftBaggage]

DS recently shared the news that he’s getting married. I’m a little surprised since he’s not been with his GF very long (I’ve only met her once) and seemed to be in ‘bachelor’ mode a few short months ago but it’s his life and decision obviously. He’s also planning for all the parents to meet each other at a meal or something along those lines very soon.

The problem is, I don’t know if I can actually be in the same room as his father. I was just 14 when I got pregnant and he was older. He abused me in every way possible, including rape. Then, when I broke up with him, he stalked me intermittently for a few years and was later found guilty of harassment at court. He burgled my house after I bumped into him on public transport and he somehow stole my keys out of my bag (to this day I’ve no idea how). There’s other stuff too but you get the picture.

He completely abandoned our son at 1yo and has never paid a penny in child maintenance. I’ve raised him almost totally alone. DS got back in touch with him a few years ago and seems completely overawed by him. I was really hurt that he told his dad the news before me (not sure why DS wanted me to know that) and feel he’s had a bit of personality transplant since spending time with him.

I haven’t let DS know how I’m feeling and I would never ask him to ‘choose’ between us but I just don’t know how I can physically be in the same room as his dad.

Has anyone been in the same situation? How did you deal with it? Advice gratefully received as I’m feeling so upset about it all. I’ve dreaded this day for so long and now it’s actually happening, I don’t know how to handle it 😞

YANBU. Just say to your son that you would love to meet his new in-laws but it will have to be separately to when his father meets them. Likewise you expect his father will be attending the wedding so you won’t be but you will look forward to meeting up with him post honeymoon.

Yes, this.

I don't think you should for a second think about putting yourself through the additional trauma of being near your son's father but you may need to share with your son the reasons as to why, if you haven't already.

Is your son aware of the full extent of the abuse you suffered from his dad?

Just send him a message saying congratulations, you're thrilled he's found someone that makes him happy, and that although you'd love to be there on his wedding day to celebrate, unfortunately you will not able to be able to share this amazing day with him for personal reasons that you don't feel appropriate to share, but perhaps you could celebrate another time with the happy couple.

If you're feeling brave, then let your son know in person the abuse you faced at the hands of his father.

Yanbu op. Do not put yourself through the trauma of this man just to please your son, who should know better. Yes he should know better. He knew your struggles, he knew he he had an absent father, he knows the age you had him.
Your son has already turned to the other side, so you not being there will only strengthen everyone’s idea that the problem is you anyway. He also tried to hurt you by letting you know he told his father first. You don’t need to hurt yourself more by pleasing people who have already made up their mind about you

I think it’s time he learned what his father did to you - presumably like many dangerous people your ex is good at charming / grooming initially before his abuse starts, so I’d consider it in your son’s best interests too that he knows the truth. I’m so sorry, it sounds incredibly hard.

Well, your options are pretty limited unfortunately and it’s a horrible situation. I’m sorry.

I think you might be surprised about how you could hold it together with his dad there too. But if there’s a chance there will be any kind of scene caused then you need another option.

Personally if you and him are definitely both going to the wedding, I would arrange to meet him beforehand. It’ll take the sting out of seeing him at the wedding and help you prepare for how you’ll feel.

The only other option is to be honest with your son about your worries. You’ll have to tell him why if you don’t go to the wedding so you may as well just talk it through.

Ultimately though, the best thing would be trying to find a way to be able to cope with it for the day and make sure you’re kept separate.
No top table, maybe structure things so there’s no group family photos.

In this circumstances no you shouldn't not need to be in the same room. Do what others have suggested.

Ime it's good for dc to know you have boundaries and morals. In time he wil realise his df is a grade A cunt.
Ime.

I think you’ll have to have a very frank conversation with your DS actually telling him the facts including the scale of the abuse inflicted on you. Including rape. It will be very hard for him to hear it, but he is an adult now and you avoiding his wedding with him being unaware of the full reason why, would also raise complicated feelings for him.
If your son knows, then he can understand why you don’t want to be in the same room as his father at any point in your life. It’s not one wedding day, after all. What about potential future weddings or the birth of grand children, their future events, big birthdays, other things you want to attend for your son.
I can’t see another option other than the truth.

Coming with a different opinion but I imagine your son would be very upset if you didn’t attend.
I understand from what you’ve said how difficult it will be for you but your son may not understand that and feel hurt if you don’t attend.
I think some of the suggestions such as sending a text aren’t the right route to go. It feels too breezy like it’s a friend you’re not very close with, not you’re actual son.

Tell your son what happened! I’m so sorry for what you went through.

This is really hard and I really feel for you. I would meet up with him and explain how happy you are for him, but that due to the abuse you suffered from his dad you cannot be in the same room. Explain that its not to pressure him and he can make his own choices, but you are unable to attend if his dad does. Please please dont just not go or not tell him why, he will be so hurt.

Her ds's happiness doesn't overrule op's mental wellbeing.... He's an adult. Old enough to deal with a disappointment..

It's really difficult and I am so sorry you went through this. Please don't tell
your son he is a result of rape though. The impact on him could be huge.

In order to maintain a relationship I would go to the wedding ceremony and explain you won't be going to the wedding due to the abuse you suffered at his hands from an early age.
Meet the parents on a different day

@GiftBaggage I dont know why your adult son cannot be told how shitty a father he was and a disgusting partner to you!! why did you not tell him the whole sordid story a long time ago???

Thanks so much everyone. I was bracing myself to be told IABU so this is really validating.

He knows about some of the things that happened but probably not the worst of it. DS has told me on a number of occasions that his dad has changed now, he’s matured and settled down, but I cannot forgive or forget everything he’s put me through. Even seeing photos of him is really triggering.

When he mentioned meeting the in-laws, he asked how I’m going to manage being in the same room as his dad and I just went quiet for a while and said it would be extremely difficult. He jokingly called me bitter and I responded by saying he put me through horrendous things and he said ‘I know’ before changing the subject.

I have been a people pleaser all my life but it feels almost like a switch has been flicked and I feel so much rage at all the injustice I’ve faced as a woman. This feels like yet another thing that I’ll be expected to just suck up, that I feel I <should> suck up, for the benefit of others. I don’t know if I can but I also think of all the other things I’ll likely miss out on, like a pp mentioned, grandparent things. I can’t deny it feels like a slap in the face that despite all my sacrifices, that his dad made none of, he still gets a good relationship. I don’t doubt for a second that he would not disinvite his dad, but I also recognise that I have no right to ask him to choose between us so it would have to be me that bows out.

I realise I sound like a toddler saying this but, life is so unfair.

Of course it's not reasonable to expect you to be in the same room as your rapist. What a horrible idea. If your son does not know that his dad raped/abused you and you don't want to tell him, the best you can do is just say you'd love to meet the family but it has to be separately from son's dad, and hope that he'll respect your wishes without asking for specifics. Be aware though that if there's a criminal record of what your ex did to you, son may very well find it at some point and may be quite upset that he made big decisions (like If he invites you both to the wedding and lets you decline because his dad is there) without knowing the whole story. I'd consider telling him.

I think when your DS said 'I know', that he doesn't really know and needs a bit of reminding about who brought him up. The 'bitter' comment is disrespectful and suggests he doesn't yet understand.

It’s time for some very difficult conversations. Best be open and honest; family secrets hurt everyone in the long run.

You don’t sound like a toddler, you sound like someone who has been awfully hurt. Your son’s dismissive reaction must have been so painful. I’d definitely vote for saying you love him dearly but can’t celebrate in the presence of someone so harmful. Make sure your son doesn’t share your contact details or address. Send a loving card, make sure his fiancé knows you welcome her and then concentrate on you …the wedding is their celebration and you don’t need to suffer you proved you love by bringing him up alone 💐💐💐💐

What a horrible situation. YANBU, you absolutely shouldn't have to be retraumatised like that, but your son deserves to know the truth about why you can't be there, so he can make an informed decision about his relationship with his father moving forward. He's an adult and it's important at this point that he has the full picture.

Can I add another thought to this, DS’s new partner.

It’s worth the truth to your son and her about him. He sounds horrendous but also happily integrating himself back into your son’s life.

If I was her, I would want to know.

I’m so sorry 💐Do not feel any guilt for one second.

How old was he when you were 14?