To miss DS’s wedding? *trigger warning*, concerns rape

[GiftBaggage]

DS recently shared the news that he’s getting married. I’m a little surprised since he’s not been with his GF very long (I’ve only met her once) and seemed to be in ‘bachelor’ mode a few short months ago but it’s his life and decision obviously. He’s also planning for all the parents to meet each other at a meal or something along those lines very soon.

The problem is, I don’t know if I can actually be in the same room as his father. I was just 14 when I got pregnant and he was older. He abused me in every way possible, including rape. Then, when I broke up with him, he stalked me intermittently for a few years and was later found guilty of harassment at court. He burgled my house after I bumped into him on public transport and he somehow stole my keys out of my bag (to this day I’ve no idea how). There’s other stuff too but you get the picture.

He completely abandoned our son at 1yo and has never paid a penny in child maintenance. I’ve raised him almost totally alone. DS got back in touch with him a few years ago and seems completely overawed by him. I was really hurt that he told his dad the news before me (not sure why DS wanted me to know that) and feel he’s had a bit of personality transplant since spending time with him.

I haven’t let DS know how I’m feeling and I would never ask him to ‘choose’ between us but I just don’t know how I can physically be in the same room as his dad.

Has anyone been in the same situation? How did you deal with it? Advice gratefully received as I’m feeling so upset about it all. I’ve dreaded this day for so long and now it’s actually happening, I don’t know how to handle it 😞

You can't be expected to be in the same room as the man who abused you, and it's very sad that your son does not have a better understanding of the situation, or at least some respect for your feelings.
I think you'll have to try to explain to your son why what he's asking is not reasonable - I wonder if the father suggested it, knowing it would cause difficulty for you.
It's hard to understand why your son would invite him to the wedding rather than you - possibly the father is manipulating him. Maybe some therapy / counselling would be useful but don't lose track of the fact that you can do what you want and not be manipulated by others. In your situation I would try to make it clear to your son that you want him to be happy, but I would not go to the wedding.

All of this. I would be horrified if I were marrying someone and this information about their father was kept from me. Partly for the sake of future children, but partly because your son's reaction would be a very telling insight for me into the man I was about to marry.

Cold, impartial, documented fact will be extremely helpful here. Presented by or in the presence of a neutral third party with some understanding of those kinds of reports and records, even more so.

If you can stay fairly unemotional, factual and logical during this meeting I think that will help the message hit home best, without him being able to side track or hand-wave you away as "bitter" or similar charming epithets.

Good luck.

Definitely, future DIL needs to know everything. She needs protecting as I'm sure the past has been glossed over to her. Also when she's considering having children she needs to know that her future FIL isn't allowed to work with children. Your son doesn't sound like he would protect his children.
DIL's parents also need information so they can protect their daughter from this toxic man and the danger of son turning into his father.

Are you able to set up a meeting with son and future DIL to openly discuss everything?

You have to tell the girlfriend. She needs to know that the grandfather of her potential children engaged in sexual activity with a child and incited a child to engage in sexual behaviour.

If I were the girlfriend's mother, I would be apoplectic and seriously concerned.

I absolutely hear you @GiftBaggage.
I agree therapy may help.
Your ex sounds vile.
i would not be able to attend and this is where the line would be drawn for me after what you have done bringing up your son.

Iif he is not allowed to work with children I would be digging around to find out exactly why.

I'm sorry that it seems you will never be free of this man. It's like an eternal punishment.
Don't feel guilty.x

Meet her parents without your ex there. I would definitely go to the wedding though. If you don't yo you will drive a wedge between you and your son and Dil, and like you say, your Ex will have won. Have some more counselling and development strategies to help you get through the day and see if you are able to develop a support strategy with any other family members attending.

Your son is being an absolute shit. Sorry OP. You should absolutely get priority in this situation. You need an honest conversion.

Also, if your ex isn't allowed near children, then you will have the upper hand re future grandchildren. Don't throw away that chance by not attending the wedding. X

And when does it get to be about OP being "upset". She was groomed as a 14 year old, abused and raped. Why on earth should she spend time in a room with her abuser/rapist so as not to "upset" her son?

i wouldn't be texting anyone.

OP, I think you should sit down with your son - and ideally your future dil and tell them calmly what the facts are. You can fudge some things (I don't think I would use the word rape for example but I'd make it quite clear what happened) and that therefore you will accommodate whatever you can but it will not include spending time with the man who abused you as a young vulnerable teen and who left you alone to raise a child without any support whatsoever.

As others have said your dil needs to know who she is dealing with here. And your son needs to hear it straight that you raised him, you paid for everything, and you were abused by his father. If he isn't mature enough to hear and process this he isn't mature enough to get married.

I would write out in advance what you need to say to him/them. Because it will be hard to say so a written thing is easier to read from.

This may not end well tbh. Your son sounds like he has swallowed whatever shite your ex has given him. your future dil's parents should be very concerned.

You were 14, he was older and you got pregnant. Did you ever go to the police? You still could go now.

I would definitely talk to your son while his partner is there. She needs to know exactly what her new FIL is like. The conversation between them afterwards would be interesting.

Your son has been completely taken in by his dad, but he was brought up by you and the connection you have will always be there. His dad will be desperate to exert control and for that reason I wouldn't be in the same room as him again.

If your son suggests you're exaggerating what happened or anything like that, I'd tell him to leave immediately and not return without a sincere apology. I'd also remind him you're not the only person who's complained - his dad isn't allowed to be alone with a child - your son needs to really think about that.

It's a horrible situation, OP, but have faith that this will pass and that a sensible girlfriend will help your son see sense. If you go for lunch with her parents, I would have a quiet word with her mum about all this, too.

Oh gosh, yes if he is barred from working with children then future DIL needs to know before she has children and allows him to be around them, not realising he may be a predator.

Your son probably wants to believe his dad has changed. It's human to want a relationship with your parent, even a crap one, and to overlook their faults or minimise them. Obviously, your ex has more than just the standard human failings, as he's a walking safeguarding red flag, but it sounds like your son doesn't fully know that. His dad may be doing a very good job of convincing him he's changed. Maybe it could be partially true, if age and/or ill health mean he is no longer as capable of physical dominance or aggression. It also could be selfishness prompting the change, because he may realise that without any relationship with his son he may have a lonely, isolated life when he gets old. Even the most swaggering alpha male types are capable of being scared by the prospect of becoming elderly, frail and infirm and having nobody to visit or care. And abusers are always good at twisting the truth to suit them and their needs and purposes.

You should not put yourself in any situation that causes you anguish - I’m so sorry your son doesn’t understand. Distance yourself emotionally and physically. YANBU.

Good advice.

Yup.

And whether or not your son knows all the details of the abuse, he shouldn’t even need to. He knows you were 14 when you fell pregnant to an older man. That says it all.

The response above is all you have to say.

im sorry the father put you through that, and im sorry your son is behaving like this.

Hopefully it’s a phase.

Actually I would say that I'm afraid he was going to have to make a choice as to who went to his wedding - you, who've been there every day of his life, supporting him, raising him and loving him, or his dad, who fucked off when he was one, didn't pay a penny maintenance, had illegal sex with you and later raped you, and now wants to turn him against you, his own mother.

Don't just say "Oh if he's going I'm not going" - say "That man terrorised me for years and I am too scared to be in a room with him."

I would be very wary about a letter in case it ends up being read or stolen by DS' father and giving him ways to harm the OP further.

I am on Team Sit Down With DS and His Girlfriend and Tell Them Everything. Including pointing out to the GF that you are the one who raised your DS, not his father in any way shape or form.

I thought this too. It is very hard to see yourself as a victim of abuse. As a teen you think you are in control and you love the person. But the law is there to protect victims. It's black and white.

It's clear enough for your son to see if he wants to as well.

YANBU at all. Your son is cruel and callous for being so dismissive of the domestic violence and child sex abuse his father put you through.

Definitely don't go to the wedding. Even if your son agrees to not invite him or keep him separated from you, there is no way your ex will obey any of this. He will turn up just to rub your nose in it all. You son may or may not collude with him.

Sadly I think previous posters are correct in that he probably has shared personality traits with his dad, which may include low empathy and selfishness.

For this reason, I think you should focus on the fiancée. See if you can arrange to meet up with her on her own, and failing that, write her a letter. Let her know that your distance is no rejection of her, you totally support their marriage and wish them the best, but you cannot be around the man who beat, stalked and raped you as a child. Make sure she knows he's not allowed to work with children, and emphasize to never let him near any future daughters.

Unless your son knows the real truth of how goddam awful those times were for you, he may just blame you for not going to the wedding and that would unfair on you.

All I can say is that, despite your best intentions, it may well end up being your son choosing between the two of you in reality, but if he knows everything then that choice may not be so hard to make after all. He really should be given an opportunity to make an informed decision though.

Most importantly though is please look after yourself, your ex isn't worth another single stressed second in your life, he caused enough misery. Look after you. Sorry this is happening to you, when should be a happy time in your life with your son getting married and yep, you're right life is really unfair.

This is a really good point. Your son's existence is irrefutable proof your ex has had sex with an underage girl.

As awful as it is OP, I think you need to tell your son the truth. There are lots of people, men and women who decide that trying to somehow hurt or get one-up on an ex they have a grudge against is more important than their kids. Without knowing the truth he is probably hurt that you from what he knows are too self-centred and childish to put him first.

I also think he might be devastated to learn that he's put you in this situation over the years. He isn't going to be able to re-do his wedding day or the first time you see your grandchildren, or whatever and to know that you weren't there because he put your rapist first would probably torment him even if it wasn't his fault he didn't know. Also I think he and his wife have a right to know that his dad is a child abuser before they are making judgements about if/when/how much access he has to their future children.

I think you can talk to your DS without feeling like you are to blame for the outcome, if you present it as facts and in a non-manipulative way. Blame for any upset will sit squarely at the door of your DS's dad. I completely agree that if I was the fiancé, I'd want to know what kind of man he was.

If you say that you'd like them both to know about the past so they can fully appreciate what it's like for you to be around his dad, and so they understand that you aren't trying to be difficult, but are genuinely struggling, I'd hope they'd see sense and get their priorities right.

If my kid called me bitter when I'd single handedly raised him, I would lose my shit. And tell the truth. But the one thing I wouldn't do is miss his wedding. Once you've lost your shit and told him the truth, is there someone who can be your Plus One and hold your hand and support you through the day?

You need to tell your son the full truth. I was the daughter in a similar situation - I found documents which set out what my did to my mum when I was 18. I then spoke to her and she confirmed it, she had never hinted anything as bad as that had happened before then. Safe to say, I’ve never been in the same room as him since and it’s now been 20 years. No regrets. Tell him so he can decide.