To miss DS’s wedding? *trigger warning*, concerns rape

[GiftBaggage]

DS recently shared the news that he’s getting married. I’m a little surprised since he’s not been with his GF very long (I’ve only met her once) and seemed to be in ‘bachelor’ mode a few short months ago but it’s his life and decision obviously. He’s also planning for all the parents to meet each other at a meal or something along those lines very soon.

The problem is, I don’t know if I can actually be in the same room as his father. I was just 14 when I got pregnant and he was older. He abused me in every way possible, including rape. Then, when I broke up with him, he stalked me intermittently for a few years and was later found guilty of harassment at court. He burgled my house after I bumped into him on public transport and he somehow stole my keys out of my bag (to this day I’ve no idea how). There’s other stuff too but you get the picture.

He completely abandoned our son at 1yo and has never paid a penny in child maintenance. I’ve raised him almost totally alone. DS got back in touch with him a few years ago and seems completely overawed by him. I was really hurt that he told his dad the news before me (not sure why DS wanted me to know that) and feel he’s had a bit of personality transplant since spending time with him.

I haven’t let DS know how I’m feeling and I would never ask him to ‘choose’ between us but I just don’t know how I can physically be in the same room as his dad.

Has anyone been in the same situation? How did you deal with it? Advice gratefully received as I’m feeling so upset about it all. I’ve dreaded this day for so long and now it’s actually happening, I don’t know how to handle it 😞

It will be hard but I would sit down with DS and future DIL and tell them about the abuse.

Future DIL needs to know what kind of person he is to protect herself and any future children.

It shouldn't be you who doesn't attend.

.

This - have you told him?

Half the son’s genes come from his father.

Nature has as much contribution as nurture, so the son may feel a compatibility with his father, because he has similar inherited character traits.

If told the truth I wouldn’t bank on him being as horrified as people think. It’s a risky strategy.

I think a therapist is a great idea.
💐

That is so awful. I am so sorry you had to endure that.

What helped for me was to write down the solid, completely impossible to refute facts. This acts as an anchor to the truth when you start to doubt yourself (totally normal reaction to trauma).

Therapy is such a good idea. You deserve it.

Only because a person doesn’t need to hear they were the product of rape on top of everything else his dad is… I’m thinking of the son and definitely not protecting the dad. I’d tell the girlfriend’s parents though if the son chooses the dad. See if they want to meet him!

This sounds terrible for you. And it looks to me like your son is minimising what his father has done, possibly because the relationship between them is relatively new and he's in thrall to him. Protect yourself and don't go.

Your son is an adult now he dosnt get to call you fucking bitter about being raped and abused for years by his sperm doner.

i would invite your son and fiancé over, sit them down and tell them to listen, you understand they think you are bitter but your son has no right to call you this, you tell them that they may think he has changed and if he has good because no other woman should be subjected to his many rapes, abuse, assaults, being terrified in their own home, being stalked, having their home invaded being alone scared and not able to think about themselves because they have a baby he abandoned to take care of.

Tell them you wish them both luck but you will never ever be disrespected and put down by another man especially one you raised. If they think this man is so important to them he comes first before you then you hope he really has changed, but ( turning to the fiancé) be careful being alone with him, then to both and leaving any daughters with him.

then I’d ask them to leave.

The fiancé needs to know what kind of man she’s marrying and how he’s treating his mothers rapist as more important than his actual mother.

I would tell him the whole truth. It’s so hard when you have tried to protect your children and then as adults you realise that without the whole information they are unable to truly understand the seriousness of the situation. I’ve been there (not to this extent).

OP you need to open up.

Explain to your son that you wanted to protect him from as much as possible, but the suggestion you’re bitter is beyond hurtful, and you’re in an impossible position. Tell him you simply can’t and won’t be in the same room as a rapist.

I found this so sad to read because he clearly has no idea and can’t be expected to understand until he has all the details. I’d be prepared for him doubling down and initially wondering if you’re being honest, but don’t let that deter you.

Look after yourself 💛

You have to tell him how your feeling so he understands. I assume as he's an adult you've told him all about the things his dad has done?

I'd honestly refuse to be in the same room with him.

It's so sad that you've brought your DS up single handed and on the most important day, you have to miss out. I completely understand you not wanting to be in the same room. It's time to sit your DS down and tell him everything, otherwise you risk him thinking you're just making a fuss.
From a child's point of view, albeit an adult one, all they want is both parents in their lives, they are not responsible for the failed relationship and shouldn't feel any guilt for wanting you both there. Your DS has probably felt rejected by his Dad for most of his life and is likely over the moon that they are forming a relationship.
Is there any way you could go and meet the B&G (away from the crowd) for maybe 1/2hr, so you can see them in their finery and congratulate them in person?

Unless he isn’t capable of basic maths he can not not know he’s the product of rape.

I just wanted to say I'm really sorry that you experienced that abuse, and that you are being put in this horrible situation by the actions of that man (your ex) now. I'm angry on your behalf. No wonder it's hit you hard at the moment, it's a really upsetting situation. Talking it through with a therapist sounds a good idea.

I think another poster said this but don’t lie your son by omission. Put your cards on the table . Don’t bottle this up , the truth must be told .The alternative is effectively lying to your son and not being true to yourself

Gosh op that's really hard.

I think if it were me, I'd sit your son down and explain that there is much more to it than what he knows and that while you understand he's his dad and that has been important to him, you also value his relationship with you and you're only telling him because you need him to understand that it's not just a case of being bitter.

I'm also thinking of your future dil and any kids your son may have who will likely have some sort of relationship with this man. I think it's important your son knows who his dad really is because let's be honest, men who do these things rarely change but are also often very charismatic and manipulative. Your son needs to go in with open eyes so he can protect his own future family properly.

I know what it is to have a son and an ex who's done awful things. And I fully get wanting to protect your son from the hurt of that, never mind the effect on you actually having to tell them. But I don't think hiding it from them does them any favours in the long run either. I'd just make sure that you have a really good support network around you when you do tell him because he may not react well, he may not believe you, he may not want to hear it, he may even go running to his dad about it and that will be hard for you. But at least you've put your son in a position to make a more informed choice about that relationship and to what extent he wants his dad involved.

Key things to remember: you didn't change your sons opinion of his dad, his dad did that by being this person in the first place. Secondly, while yes I do think you need to be honest - you get to choose your words and you can be honest without going into intimate detail and you can take time to figure out how much is enough/too much in your own time.

But I also think you need to call your son out on his behaviour. I would very directly explain to him the impact his dad had on your life, (making it clear he was the silver lining of it all and you don't regret having him) and it is not ok for your son to joke about it or call your bitter or anything like that. That is extremely disrespectful.

Yes, I hadn’t thought of that. Perhaps you need to make it clear to your son that what his dad did to you was so serious that it means you don’t believe your sons Dad is safe to be alone with potentially vulnerable women/girls, even if he seems perfectly fine with other men (like your son).

Perhaps being forced to consider his wife-to-be’s possible safety (and any future daughters?) will make your son think again and be more understanding about how/why you don’t feel safe around his father.

I think you can do several things at once with no contradiction:

1. Fully explain to your son how his father treated you.

2. Make it clear you won’t attend an intimate dinner with his father.

3. Accept you cannot control your son’s relationship with his father and that he may still love him. Not attempt to change that, because it might just have the consequence of alienating you.

4. Make it clear that you will support your son in every other way because you are his mother and you love him. To me, this includes going to the wedding (perhaps putting logistical safeguards in place to minimise contact with the father). If you start distancing yourself from your son, your son will suffer and your relationship with him will suffer and you will suffer. And the father will probably just sneak in to fill the gap.

Normally I’d think people had to just put up with their ex. Not in this case. I’m so so sorry for what you went through. I’m sure his name brings it all back for you. Sending love and strength

I think I would sit him and his girlfriend down together, and explain the history and why you can't be in the same room as him.

I don't know a single woman that would be happy with a rapist who abandoned his child being chosen over a woman who has had the strength to deal with everything you have. I'd feel she deserves fair warning too before potentially trusting someone like that with a future child.

I think your son needs to decide if he wants his Dad or you there - you should tell him that you'd love to be there, but can't attend if his Dad is going, because of the violence and abuse you suffered from him, for years.

Your son needs to recognise that he's actively choosing his father over you, you don't need to graciously bow out.

He's playing 'pick me' with his Dad - and he knows that you'll always be there for him. You should meet the in-laws seperately. You can subtely warn them off his Dad - you were a child when you got pregnant, just that is a huge red flag.

I doubt your ex has really changed that much at all - I suspect that as soon as your son stops trying to impress him and placate him, that he'll get bored. But hold your line - you don't need this man anywhere near you.

I would tell your son the whole unfiltered story. Anything that starts with an 18 year old having sex with a 13 year old, is never going to be a good story. He will have to make a choice, either his father is at the wedding, or you are. If he chooses his father, he actually doesn’t deserve to have you not only at his wedding, but in his life. If his father has really changed, grown up etc, then presumably he is also ashamed of what he did in his past. If he has truly grown, he will accept you can’t be near him and he will choose not to go to the wedding.

I absolutely would not put myself being in the same room as my rapist to placate my son. I would have absolutely no respect for any family member who expected me to do that.

I think a therapist is a really good idea OP. Maybe a counsellor who has experience of domestic violence and rape could advise you on what sort of language to use to tell your son the truth? as well as hopefully help you in other ways.

Your son is being selfish to protect the image he needs to have of his dad so he can love him.

But that doesn't need to be at the cost of you being retraumatised.

I'd set boundaries with clear facts, no feeling, so that cannot be argued or denied:

• at 13 you were too young to have a sexual relationship with an 18 year old.
• you were damaged by it and seeing his dad opens old wounds
• you will not be around his dad.

That's all your son needs to know.

He will either accept that or reject that but at some point he may well have his own kids or experiences that open his eyes.