To miss DS’s wedding? *trigger warning*, concerns rape

[GiftBaggage]

DS recently shared the news that he’s getting married. I’m a little surprised since he’s not been with his GF very long (I’ve only met her once) and seemed to be in ‘bachelor’ mode a few short months ago but it’s his life and decision obviously. He’s also planning for all the parents to meet each other at a meal or something along those lines very soon.

The problem is, I don’t know if I can actually be in the same room as his father. I was just 14 when I got pregnant and he was older. He abused me in every way possible, including rape. Then, when I broke up with him, he stalked me intermittently for a few years and was later found guilty of harassment at court. He burgled my house after I bumped into him on public transport and he somehow stole my keys out of my bag (to this day I’ve no idea how). There’s other stuff too but you get the picture.

He completely abandoned our son at 1yo and has never paid a penny in child maintenance. I’ve raised him almost totally alone. DS got back in touch with him a few years ago and seems completely overawed by him. I was really hurt that he told his dad the news before me (not sure why DS wanted me to know that) and feel he’s had a bit of personality transplant since spending time with him.

I haven’t let DS know how I’m feeling and I would never ask him to ‘choose’ between us but I just don’t know how I can physically be in the same room as his dad.

Has anyone been in the same situation? How did you deal with it? Advice gratefully received as I’m feeling so upset about it all. I’ve dreaded this day for so long and now it’s actually happening, I don’t know how to handle it 😞

Ask him why he thinks you are bitter. Get a feel for what he has understood about the past, and whether his birth father is actively manipulating him.

Then tell him the truth- not necessarily the detail, but the truth.i

You’d have to start by telling him he’s the bright spot in an otherwise appalling few years of abuse from your ex.
That in trying to protect him, you inadvertently left him without information he needs.
That you aren’t bitter, as that is a totally inappropriate word to use about a woman traumatised by years of abuse of the worst kind, and you’d be disappointed if he still thinks that.

Then wait. Don’t tell him what to do. Don’t tell him what you will do, or make ultimatums. Just wait. See what happens.

I’m so sorry OP, YANBU at all!

i think your son is old enough to hear the full truth, particularly if he’s making some comments. If you feel up to it, it may be good to include his future wife in the conversation so she may even be able to provide some support, and maybe you could bring a friend too who could support you / could validate you? not that you need validation but if your son is already being a bit manipulated by this man is there another family member your side that he has known since childhood that means it’s unavoidable for your son to consider that you’re not telling the truth.

I think if your son wants his father there, knowing that means you won’t attend that is incredibly hurtful. You are correct to not want to attend. Unfortunately even after your son knowing the truth if he does want to continue the relationship with his father you can’t really prevent that but I hope someone can get through to him.

I also wouldn’t protect this man. I wouldn’t make a “scene” but if asked why you didn’t attend and had to meet the in laws separately, you need to be honest and make it very clear (no need to give all details) that this person was abusive to you, your son is aware of this, and whilst you love and support your son for your own safety you cannot be on the same room as his father.

I think you should meet them together and let them both know why. I don’t trust him to have told her or to tell her in any sensible way rather than oh mum can’t get over the past. Tell them about the bus incident and running into him again, that maybe he’s changed like you say but that doesn’t just erase my past. That all you hope for your child, especially as he gets married, is that he’s nothing like his dad. Tell him and her you were the only parent loving him and bringing him up for his whole childhood, and this is the only thing you’ve ever said I can’t to, but that you can’t do this.

Lots of good advice especially getting counselling to work out the best approach. I would also arrange to have the conversation with your son with the therapist present so they can give guidance to your son and give an unbiased opinion.

I agree with this approach.
I am so sorry for what you went through op.

Just write factually and unemotionally to your son listing the things he’s done to you and explain calmly that you’ve ongoing unresolved trauma around these occurrences and he needs to be aware that it would be too triggering to be in the same room. You understand it’s not ideal for him.

Your son is treating you terribly. How dare he call you bitter?
YANBU, and I am so sorry for what you’ve been through. You are such a strong and brave woman for dealing with this as well as you are now 💐

Thanks again everyone, I really appreciate everyone taking the time to advise.

DS knows I was 15 when he was born. I agree with others in that I’m dubious about how much he’s changed. He went on to have several more children with several different women, all of them younger and/or vulnerable but according to DS, he has finally ‘settled down’ and is now a charged man. I know that he’s barred from working with children though. He is absolutely charismatic and manipulative, as all abusers are. He’s a minor celeb in his town, partly because his family is well known, and partly due to his job. I think DS has been swept up in it all.

Since they’ve been back in contact, he seems to be morphing into him. He’s always been charismatic himself but now there’s an edge to it, verging on disrespectful. His ego has grown a bit too big when before he was always so kind, polite, modest and helpful - just generally ‘nicer’ I guess. That’s been hard to witness but it also coincided with a big life change for him and I figured maybe he was adjusting to that.

When we’ve talked about some of the things that happened (he remembers the burglary for example), he acknowledges it but I can just tell he’s distanced himself from what that actually means, I guess in order to keep up the image he’s formed of him. I also think he’s in denial about how hard it will be for me to have to in the same room, maybe, as a pp suggested, because he’s used to me putting him first no matter what.

The fact that it is me who will have to miss out does feel like a huge injustice and a continuing of the abuse as pps suggested. It’s like he’s ‘won’. I know he’ll likely love the fact that I couldn’t bring myself to turn up. I feel like I will never truly be free.

I think not attending would be best if he’s going to be there. I also think therapy to talk it through is a great idea and hopefully it will help you decide if/how much you tell your son about why you can’t attend. It was IMO a really insensitive comment to make about you being “bitter” - you’re not bitter you’re traumatised by your Ex’s actions. Hopefully your son will see that regardless of his dad’s “changes” it is beyond forgiveness. I think it might be useful for son and his wife to know what type of man he is to protect themselves and any future children they may have.

Also quoting this post for you again OP, because it's true.

I would tell your son the truth. If he calls you bitter, that is appalling. Yes, it might affect your relationship with him going forward but, son or not, you don't need another man dismissing you and expecting you to 'let it go' like women are always expected to do. This man put you through hell, you shouldn't take the risk of being in his presence, and darn it if another man is going to treat you badly. It will hurt and be hard but it's time for you to be free of all that.

This is a really good idea imo.

Your DS might also have heard a very pared now version of what happened between you and his father hence the 'bitter' comment.
The time has come now for him to learn the truth and don't hold back.

I agree meeting and letting him read the letter in your presence is the way to do this.

And of course you cannot be in the same room as the man who raped and abused you.

Very sorry to read this. You are absolutely not being unreasonable.

My children's father was horribly abusive. They're in their 20s and they know that. The did live through abusive behavior until we split up, the ONLY advantage to which is they have seen what he is like and he won't be able to pull the wool over their eyes as adults.

There is no way I would chose to be in the same room as their father, and they wouldn't ask me to be either, even without knowing full facts, there are things they just don't need to hear.

Your son either does not understand whatsoever or isn't going to. I would tell him honestly and basically without going into to much detail that this is not bitterness it is normal aversion/revulsion to being in a room with someone who has been abusive and committed at least one serious assault on you. If he wants to invite his father to these things he makes his choice as an adult to do so, if that's him being expected to chose between his parents so be it.

Take care of yourself first here.

I know you don't want to make him choose but if you cannot be present with that man (100% understandable) then the alternative is missing your sons wedding. He will feel that as a massive rejection and may not understand that you did this to avoid the pain of a choice. I think the pain of you not being there will be greater. Plus the extreme social awkwardness of ds having to explain to everyone all day long why you are not there, people will be talking about you and possibly bad mouthing you. You absolutely need to tell your son what happened, zero sugar coating. Then ask him to uninvite his dad. If that's impossible a deal could be done where you attend the ceremony and leave after the meal, the father arrives after the meal and hopefully it will all be done seamlessly enough so only DS and his wife will know the real reason behind it all. Don't let that prick rob you of one of the proudest days of your life.

"I cannot be near your father because he is a dangerous man who wishes, and has done me much harm. He has criminal convictions for terrorising and hurting me. And I believe he will do so again if he can. This is not about bitterness. I cannot put myself in harm's way, not even to go to your wedding. I want you to understand that I will never willingly see your father again. Now that I've been clear, you have to make your own choice about who you would prefer to be at the wedding."

To be honest, if your son is a halfway decent person and/or when his father ultimately betrays or abandons him, he is the one who will probably come to bitterly regret prioritising his father over you. But as much as you might want him to avoid that immature mistake, I don't think you can be the one to counsel him against it. All you can do is make it completely and unequivocally clear that you will not willingly ever see his father again for any reason, because he is a dangerous man who wishes you harm. And hope that some third party can talk some sense into him. Is there anyone you can nudge in his direction? Has he any other male role models?

So sorry you're in this awful and unjust situation.

@GoldPoster Indeed. I’d be concerned that the son has inherited some of his father’s characteristics.

Your future DIL needs to know that if she plans to have children, her husband's biological father is barred from working with children. She may then choose to keep her children away from him. How will your DS react to that news? I doubt he's thought it through.

You could sit him down with whatever police and court reports you can access. Is there anyone you trust who knows what happened to you, and could support you as you explain it to him and DIL? Victim Support? A family therapist?

OP, can you arrange to meet her parents separately? At a different time to your ex?

I really think, if you can/ you have support to, it may be worth disclosing the type of abuse and violence you suffered. Even if it ys just showing this thread and allowing him to read/ understand.

I agree with that and I do feel for the op.

Rapists and abusers never change their spots.

do not attend the wedding and tell your son EXACTLY why you’re not going.

it will be painful to recount what happened but I think you have to in the interests of not creating more conflict with your son. Surely if he’s reasonable he’ll either a) uninvite and cut contact with his father, the rapist or b) understand why you won’t go

but honestly if b is his answer then your son is a prick.

Already replied but I just wanted to add that I think involving DIL is a sensible idea because she may see things differently and have a strong influence on DSs rose tinted glasses. She also needs to be forewarned of the children situation. The letter is a great idea, because he might be dismissive at first and not listen, but the letter will give him time to reflect.

I do feel for DS, I see why he might be infatuated. I also see why he might be angry at you for bursting his bubble and seemingly trying to ruin everything. But now is the time for truth and for him to grow up. Just don't expect him to say all the right words in the moment, he is hurting too. Give him time.

Be strong OP, you've achieved so much. You'll get through this too xx

@OP

I think he'll understand if you tell him. Someone I know had memories of his father hitting his mother but also had a memory of a rape when he was a toddler, though he didn't understand it until he was much older.

His feelings about his parents were very mixed. He loved both of them, but acknowledged that his father was an abuser and was heartbroken at what his mother endured. He couldn't understand why she stayed.

Only latterly did he realise that she had to stay in order to avoid losing him.

Yes I think this is an excellent approach. Get a 3rd party a trusted friend and/or therapist / DV worker to list out every single incident with court records.

Your future DIL also needs to know who and what he is - and she needs to be there.

Even if your DS doesn’t cooperate or flounces from you (possible as I suggest his DF is grooming him so he can get back close to punishing you again) - you speaking out will save your future grandchildren and DIL from risk of abuse and trauma - and that will be important to you - as your DS will not tell her.

I'd be tempted to write DS a letter. Sometimes it's easier to get things down that way and you will be able to carefully manage what you do and don't tell him. It might also make him take things more seriously and give him space to process.

Of course it's up to you how much you share, but I would certainly ask him to 'consider how much pain his father must have inflicted, for you to miss out on the wedding of your beloved son?'.

The only thing that would make me re-think this approach would be if there is any chance he would show his father the letter.

it's a shit situation and you have every right to be angry and bitter that you are the one having to make difficult choices. I think therapy sounds like a good idea.

Protect your future grandchildren by giving the full information. It is hard to handle but your son will eventually need to be extremely careful, exposing future children to a child predator. It will be DS job to protect them from that but he needs to have all the information in order to realise what a monster his father is.

OP how would you feel about writing a letter? I wonder if it might help to sit him down, explain why this is hard, then give him the letter if it’s a struggle?

I’ve been having difficult conversations with my now ex and it’s been so much easier to write or email. Just a thought if the conversation would be too much for you.

You need to protect yourself 💛