To miss DS’s wedding? *trigger warning*, concerns rape

[GiftBaggage]

DS recently shared the news that he’s getting married. I’m a little surprised since he’s not been with his GF very long (I’ve only met her once) and seemed to be in ‘bachelor’ mode a few short months ago but it’s his life and decision obviously. He’s also planning for all the parents to meet each other at a meal or something along those lines very soon.

The problem is, I don’t know if I can actually be in the same room as his father. I was just 14 when I got pregnant and he was older. He abused me in every way possible, including rape. Then, when I broke up with him, he stalked me intermittently for a few years and was later found guilty of harassment at court. He burgled my house after I bumped into him on public transport and he somehow stole my keys out of my bag (to this day I’ve no idea how). There’s other stuff too but you get the picture.

He completely abandoned our son at 1yo and has never paid a penny in child maintenance. I’ve raised him almost totally alone. DS got back in touch with him a few years ago and seems completely overawed by him. I was really hurt that he told his dad the news before me (not sure why DS wanted me to know that) and feel he’s had a bit of personality transplant since spending time with him.

I haven’t let DS know how I’m feeling and I would never ask him to ‘choose’ between us but I just don’t know how I can physically be in the same room as his dad.

Has anyone been in the same situation? How did you deal with it? Advice gratefully received as I’m feeling so upset about it all. I’ve dreaded this day for so long and now it’s actually happening, I don’t know how to handle it 😞

You are projecting a lot on this thread, and it’s usually unresolved trauma

Abuse victims are often goaded this way. It isnt our fault if the offender keeps offending. We have to put ourselves first

I think understanding that it is up to the.victim is resolved trauma. Insisting that the victim blow up their whole family and that is the only right thing to do frankly shows a lack of experience with the subject in hand. But don't worry, people with no fucking clue often insist on making themselves heard.

OP is unequivocal in stating that he has been barred from working with children. And he was convicted of stalking her after she broke up with him. What do you imagine he’s been convicted of if he can’t work with children ? A simple Clares Law application is what’s needed so that OP can clarify how much of a threat he is and warn her DS with evidence, not something he can dismiss as her being bitter.

Trust me I have more than a ‘fucking clue’ as to what’s needed here from lived experience which I don’t care to discuss with randoms on the internet. This is a public forum - so people are entitled to make themselves heard. Fortunately yours is not the only opinion that matters here. For someone who purports to have been a victim of a paedophile, I find your attitude towards the protection of others potentially at risk of the same thing, and the repeated attempts to equate OP’s situation with your own, very very odd.

I know you choose not to tell your family the truth, that was a decision that was right for you. Every situation is different.

Op stands to actually lose her son to this monster, and unless she does tell him the truth her own grandchildren could be abused and harmed too. Her son may not respond with love or empathy, or he might be horrified and wish to stay away from his rapist father - no one can predict what will happen. Op has very little to lose, as she is likely going to lose her son unless she speaks up now. The rapist will go to the wedding with the son he didn’t raise, and he will take over. So I’m not sure op stands to gain anything by keeping quiet.

Yes correct, I said further back a Claire’s law request would be helpful in this case.

Thats because having actually lived the situation, I understand that risk is relative to individual circumstances. I understand that not everything is black and white, and I understand the complexity of why a victim may wish not to isolate themselves and others any more than they have to. Or retraumatise themselves by someone else knowing what has happened to them.

I don't think you don't sound like a toddler, you sound like an adult who has been subjected to terrible experiences through the actions of a seriously flawed man. I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through and I wish you strength in whatever you decide to do.

You are in an impossible situation tbh. You could say you wouldive to meet the in-laws separately but then you will have the wedding to get through and that I'm afraid you have to suck it up for your son or you don't go. You don't have to engage with your ex but don't make it awkward for your son and his fiance

Yes. Every situation IS different. So that's why to YOU, losing her son might be considered a "very little" loss. But to the OP, that outcome might be utterly unthinkable and she may think it better to do ANYTHING to avoid that. That's a valid position to take as she is the victim. Any position she takes is valid.

I am not sure why some posters suggest that the ex won’t be a danger to OP now. He raped her multiple times, stalked her and burgled her home. He is accustomed to transgressing her boundaries and abusing her. Only the law stopped him. That he hasn’t been in her orbit for many years does not mean that he won’t revert to type in her presence, or with increasing contact, even if it is more covert. The fact that he is prepared to put her through a joint social occasion shows he still doesn’t respect her boundaries at all. Or feel any remorse.

A public event does not protect people. There are multiple opportunities for looks, comments, challenges, threats and unwanted physical contact, sadly, even violence to go unobserved. Skilled perpetrators find their moments and act fast.
It is as if some people cannot imagine how terrifying and traumatic it might possibly be for the OP to be at the same event as her extremely abusive ex-partner. I find it quite shocking.

They will work through a whole load of options and scenarios, like most people here.

I think you misunderstood my post. I never suggested losing her son was very little at all.

I said she is well on the way to losing her son already - and he is already parroting his father’s comments about op being bitter.

Op has a window of opportunity now before the wedding to be honest with her son. If she says nothing it’s highly like the rapist will go to the wedding instead of her, and this might create even more problems in the future.

You are clearly struggling with your own situation and would benefit from talking to a therapist about your decisions. You seem determined to try and convince op to remain silent, and I really don’t think it’s healthy.

Op if you are still reading please seek counselling and talk to rape crisis. They will offer professional guidance. 💐

I 100% agree.

He has extensive record of emotional and physical violence over a long period of time against the OP from when she was a child.

It appears he may well have a similar record with multiple other vulnerable young women with whom he has fathered children alongside criminal convictions and register against working with children.

He’s only in his early 40s to have accumulated such a catalogue of abuse. He probably has a Cluster B PD which leaves him highly predatory and unchangable.

No vulnerable woman or child should inadvertently be in his dangerous orbit especially not his traumatised previous victims or those who have no idea who he is or what he is capable of.

There's something seriously wrong with you. I started out by sharing my experience and saying that every situation is different but must be led by the victim. I explained the complexity of risking your own relationships and those of the people you love. The victim has to choose what is best for them. What matters most. What they can handle.

Meanwhile, people in this thread, including you most likely, have said that the OP
A) has to tell her so everything
And/or
B) would be forbidden by a therapist to attend the wedding
And/or
C) has to tell her son's partner regardless of his wishes

If she does not do these things, people like you have suggested that she will be responsible for any future offending by her abuser.

I have said that I chose to maintain a relationship with my siblings, occasionally encountering my abusers, and a THERAPIST has helped me formulate boundaries that keep me safe while doing so and has been very supportive. More than one therapist in fact. I have emphasised that therapists do not tell you what you can and cannot do, nor will they cut off support if you do something you later regret or that hurts you.

So really, your comments are totally misplaced and you need to reflect on your contributions here, not mine.

I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through, and what you’re facing now. I feel the same way about my children’s father and hope i never have to face the same situation, but dread that I might.
I think you need to sit your son down face to face if possible and really explain how you feel. You can understand and support him building his own relationship with his father, but you cannot be expected to be in the presence of someone who abused you so horrifically. Tell him what happened, matter of fact-ly. Ask your son if another man had done those things to you, would he expect you to forgive and forget? The comment about you being bitter was not just thoughtless, it was cruel, and misogynistic.
Tell your son how you feel, remind him thatt you raised him single handedly when you were a child yourself. You gave your life to him.
Tell him you would give anything to be there on the biggest day of his life, but you cannot be around the man who destroyed you and if he wants his father there, you will accept that, wish him well and celebrate another time, but you will not put yourself at risk of further harm.
Sending so much love and hope your son sees sense sooner rather than later xxx

I have a similiar background as you and know I can’t go to a wedding with him there as it’s taken me years to recover and the re trauma would just be too much , I know I would be v upset and not be able to hold it together . A good talk with your son is needed , just you and him and if he doesn’t understand then it is v sad but where is his loyalty after all you have done for him for years ? Protect yourself here

@Netcurtainnelly

he isn’t a kid. He’s a fully grown man. I have little sympathy for him feeling under “pressure” given he is wanting his mother to be in the same room as the man who abused her. OP is the one who comes first here, she doesn’t need to do anything for anyone else

You poor love. Say whatever you need to say that offers you the most protection. Sending hugs xxx

@Hairycherry

what is wrong with you? Why do you have so much internalised misogyny??

”did you chase him?” WTF?! OP was a CHILD. He was an adult. That makes it rape. END OF.

as for “letting her son down”…do you not think her son is letting his mother down a hell a lot more by cosying up to the prick who abused his mother??

For all @GiftBaggage knows her Dil to be could be a friend or a friends daughter of the father. He may have introduced them; Her ears may be rightly closed to anything Giftbaggage has to say.

A PE teacher from my secondary school in the early 1980s was imprisoned in 2010 for his highly inappropriate sexual relationships with female pupils under the age of 16. Many more of his victims could have come forward it was all in very plain sight for many, many years.
When he was released from prison and sat on the sex offenders register a well attended party was held for him in his local pub. Some of his mates had had daughters who were his pupils. Of course the attitude was the girls were up for it, they threw themselves at him, egged him on. Of course the truth was he groomed them plain and simple. Bananaman - if you want to look him up - was charming and charismatic, as many women as men happily defend him, even after he was found guilty.

I think your issues should be kept separate to this thread. Maybe you could start your own thread if you wanted to? I think you might find it helpful if you choose to do that.

Most therapists will support their clients to find their own solutions, they may not agree with your decisions or think it is a safe choice, but will allow you the time and space to figure this out for yourself. They will obviously do all they can to keep you as safe as possible in the meantime.

I am sorry your life and choices have been so hard for you. Particularly, it must be extremely challenging feeling you have no choice just to still have contact with your abusers. To most people that sounds pretty horrific.

I wish you the best. I really do. 💐

You make very good points.
I totally agree and I've mentioned in my earlier posts, something seems off to me about the wedding being so soon.
I can't shake off the feeling that the Father is driving it.