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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To miss DS’s wedding? *trigger warning*, concerns rape

431 replies

GiftBaggage · 03/10/2025 21:46

DS recently shared the news that he’s getting married. I’m a little surprised since he’s not been with his GF very long (I’ve only met her once) and seemed to be in ‘bachelor’ mode a few short months ago but it’s his life and decision obviously. He’s also planning for all the parents to meet each other at a meal or something along those lines very soon.

The problem is, I don’t know if I can actually be in the same room as his father. I was just 14 when I got pregnant and he was older. He abused me in every way possible, including rape. Then, when I broke up with him, he stalked me intermittently for a few years and was later found guilty of harassment at court. He burgled my house after I bumped into him on public transport and he somehow stole my keys out of my bag (to this day I’ve no idea how). There’s other stuff too but you get the picture.

He completely abandoned our son at 1yo and has never paid a penny in child maintenance. I’ve raised him almost totally alone. DS got back in touch with him a few years ago and seems completely overawed by him. I was really hurt that he told his dad the news before me (not sure why DS wanted me to know that) and feel he’s had a bit of personality transplant since spending time with him.

I haven’t let DS know how I’m feeling and I would never ask him to ‘choose’ between us but I just don’t know how I can physically be in the same room as his dad.

Has anyone been in the same situation? How did you deal with it? Advice gratefully received as I’m feeling so upset about it all. I’ve dreaded this day for so long and now it’s actually happening, I don’t know how to handle it 😞

OP posts:
Hulabalu · 03/10/2025 22:29

You could write songs a letter explaining it all so he has it to refer back to if his dad denies. Son deserves to know truth and why you can’t be in same room as his dad . Your son is out of order IF he chooses his dad over you . A betrayal. How old is he. Tell him his fiancé & her parents can read your letter .

JMSA · 03/10/2025 22:29

You poor, poor thing Flowers

Hello39 · 03/10/2025 22:30

I don't think UABU to make him choose. He has to know if the abuser will be there, you can't be.

I'm sorry for all you went through.

Puregoldy · 03/10/2025 22:30

In your situation I would meet with your son and maybe write out everything that happened and let him read it. Explain you cannot be in the same room as it’s unsafe and you cannot take the risk. Maybe his dad has changed but it is highly unlikely. In reality he should have gone to prison.

Needspaceforlego · 03/10/2025 22:31

Thats horrendous.

I think DS needs to slow down with this whole wedding thing. Is he rushing into a big wedding because thats what his Dad expects?

I think you need someone else to talk to him. Grandparents, Uncle or someone who he will actually listen. Because he needs to know how much he will hurt you by his father muscling in.

Uniqueheartbee · 03/10/2025 22:32

GiftBaggage · 03/10/2025 21:46

DS recently shared the news that he’s getting married. I’m a little surprised since he’s not been with his GF very long (I’ve only met her once) and seemed to be in ‘bachelor’ mode a few short months ago but it’s his life and decision obviously. He’s also planning for all the parents to meet each other at a meal or something along those lines very soon.

The problem is, I don’t know if I can actually be in the same room as his father. I was just 14 when I got pregnant and he was older. He abused me in every way possible, including rape. Then, when I broke up with him, he stalked me intermittently for a few years and was later found guilty of harassment at court. He burgled my house after I bumped into him on public transport and he somehow stole my keys out of my bag (to this day I’ve no idea how). There’s other stuff too but you get the picture.

He completely abandoned our son at 1yo and has never paid a penny in child maintenance. I’ve raised him almost totally alone. DS got back in touch with him a few years ago and seems completely overawed by him. I was really hurt that he told his dad the news before me (not sure why DS wanted me to know that) and feel he’s had a bit of personality transplant since spending time with him.

I haven’t let DS know how I’m feeling and I would never ask him to ‘choose’ between us but I just don’t know how I can physically be in the same room as his dad.

Has anyone been in the same situation? How did you deal with it? Advice gratefully received as I’m feeling so upset about it all. I’ve dreaded this day for so long and now it’s actually happening, I don’t know how to handle it 😞

This is really sad. I’m so sorry OP.

How old is your son? Generally I think children should be protected from issues between parents but in this case I would tell him exactly what his dad did to you and while people can change, you can’t change the impact that the awful things he did have had on you.

Alwayslurkingsometimesposting · 03/10/2025 22:34

You poor thing OP this is horrific. I'm going to go against the grain of the thread here and suggest that your initial instinct to not tell him the worst of it may be correct. It could destroy your son's sense of self to know his father is a rapist - that's his dad and he is made of half his DNA. I worry it could make him more angry at you to hear this before his wedding. It's really unfair that you're in this position though. I believe if you say you're not coming that will wake your son up though. He might choose to have another little celebration with you, or (hopefully) remember who brought him up and disinvite his dad instead. Wishing you luck OP

Bumdrops · 03/10/2025 22:34

Oh my goodness what a horrid situation and totally not of your making ….

i think u need to have a talk with your son, that is going to be so tough, im sure -
but i guess he needs to understand why this is so tough for you, and it isn’t about you not wanting to be there for your son -

if u want to be at the wedding to see him
marry, how might that need to be organised so that you can manage as best as can be expected ??
seated at front with the vile one at the back so not in your view ?
you at the back / near an exit ?
a close friend with you for support ?
how could things be arranged so you feel in control ??
really feel for you OP - horrid situation

DancingNotDrowning · 03/10/2025 22:36

I’m so sorry OP - you absolutely must protect yourself.

Your DS is old enough to get married so he’s absolutely old enough to know what his father put you through.

How much older than you was he? I think many men are able to ignore the abuse of women but they find it harder to ignore the abuse of a child

Offloadontome · 03/10/2025 22:37

HappyHedgehog247 · 03/10/2025 22:23

I think when your DS said 'I know', that he doesn't really know and needs a bit of reminding about who brought him up. The 'bitter' comment is disrespectful and suggests he doesn't yet understand.

I totally agree with this. He clearly has absolutely no idea what he put you through, and I think you do need to have a very frank and honest conversation about it with your son. I also do think you should tell him that you desperately want to go and see him get married, and be there and support him. Remind him of the fact you are the one that's brought him up, dealt with all his struggles, made all the sacrifices, and how devastated you would be if you were forced to bow out due to the father going. Not to manipulate, but just to show to your son that it's not spite or bitterness and that you genuinely feel that you can't be near this man.
Maybe he would agree to try and keep you both very separate, or ask his dad to bow out instead if he is such a changed man. Surely if he's so good now, and regretful of what he did - he'd feel like he owed it to you... 🤔
Maybe son will see his dad's true colours.

I am sorry you've been put in this position. I can't imagine not being at my own child's wedding, and it almost feels like this is a continuation of the abuse because he's making sure you don't go to what is meant to be the happiest day of your son's life.

nomas · 03/10/2025 22:37

I think your son is old enough now to know everything, including the rape.

He needs to understand why you can’t be in the same room with his dad.

And yes, it’s galling that ex has swanned in with no effort and gets the awed son.

Sorry, OP Flowers

CountryQueen · 03/10/2025 22:38

I’d talk to your son if at all possible. Tell him what happened in the easiest but clearest way possible.

Sorry son to be telling you this now but I want you to know why I can’t be in the same room as your dad. He was convicted for harming me, stalking me, hard as it is to hear he raped me and he burgled my house many years later after a chance meeting on a bus. I can’t risk it, and I’m so happy for you and X and if you want to invite your dad please know that I have no problem with that or hard feelings. Love you all more than you know. I will be thinking of you and wishing you well but I just won’t be able to face him.

Dolphinnoises · 03/10/2025 22:39

I think you need to give him the unvarnished truth. You are not protecting him by giving a sanitised version of events. Indeed, you are depriving him of the information he needs to make an informed decision about who he has in his life, and as a result he is risking pushing you away in favour of a rapist and paedophile.

Hard as it is, I would suggest sitting down with your DS and future DIL and telling them everything. DIL needs this information before she lets this man near her future children. Then tell him you will not be in the same room as him, and he needs to decide which of you to invite to the wedding. If your DIL has any sense she will help him to realise how unfair he is being.

estrogone · 03/10/2025 22:41

Your son needs to know the truth about his Dad. I firmly believe that by sweeping this under the carpet you will create further trauma for yourself. You will become further minimised and unseen and that will have a snowball effect.

Your son will see you as the trouble maker, the 'drama queen'. He will blame you and you will alienate yourself from him. Your abusive ex will absolutely revel in that.

Your son can't make a decision about the logistics of the wedding fairly, without the facts.

Completely get not sharing this sort of information with a child, but your son is a grown man. Give him a chance to know the real story, you both deserve it.

Lifealwaysgetsbetter · 03/10/2025 22:41

GiftBaggage · 03/10/2025 21:46

DS recently shared the news that he’s getting married. I’m a little surprised since he’s not been with his GF very long (I’ve only met her once) and seemed to be in ‘bachelor’ mode a few short months ago but it’s his life and decision obviously. He’s also planning for all the parents to meet each other at a meal or something along those lines very soon.

The problem is, I don’t know if I can actually be in the same room as his father. I was just 14 when I got pregnant and he was older. He abused me in every way possible, including rape. Then, when I broke up with him, he stalked me intermittently for a few years and was later found guilty of harassment at court. He burgled my house after I bumped into him on public transport and he somehow stole my keys out of my bag (to this day I’ve no idea how). There’s other stuff too but you get the picture.

He completely abandoned our son at 1yo and has never paid a penny in child maintenance. I’ve raised him almost totally alone. DS got back in touch with him a few years ago and seems completely overawed by him. I was really hurt that he told his dad the news before me (not sure why DS wanted me to know that) and feel he’s had a bit of personality transplant since spending time with him.

I haven’t let DS know how I’m feeling and I would never ask him to ‘choose’ between us but I just don’t know how I can physically be in the same room as his dad.

Has anyone been in the same situation? How did you deal with it? Advice gratefully received as I’m feeling so upset about it all. I’ve dreaded this day for so long and now it’s actually happening, I don’t know how to handle it 😞

I’d tell your son that you are not being in the same room as anyone who was convicted of a crime causing harm to you and that it’s not bitter to experience natural trauma. I’d stop short of telling him he’s a rapist but the man was having sex with a child (you). That makes him a peadophile. His girlfriend and potentially her parents should know what he is if they ever intend to have children together. I’m so angry for you being put in this position. Do you have someone you can speak to professionally to help you decide how to handle this?

Offloadontome · 03/10/2025 22:41

chipsticksmammy · 03/10/2025 22:27

Can I add another thought to this, DS’s new partner.

It’s worth the truth to your son and her about him. He sounds horrendous but also happily integrating himself back into your son’s life.

If I was her, I would want to know.

I’m so sorry 💐Do not feel any guilt for one second.

Very good point. Definitely tell them together. Has he ever been reported for any of his crimes? All the things he's done, I'm surprised either of them want anything to do with him - but it sounds like he sexually assaulted you when you were still a child. If grandchildren are on the horizon they might not want to be associated with him any more.

JLou08 · 03/10/2025 22:43

I appreciate that it would be a really difficult conversation but your dS needs to know everything. Even more so now he is getting married. I'd want to know if I was him so I could protect my wife and any future DC. I have very little faith that sex offenders ever change.

Alexandrine · 03/10/2025 22:44

Maybe you need to be more honest with your son? I realise you want to protect him but he’s an adult now. You may or may not feel you can be explicit enough to use the word “rape”, but at least explain that the abuse your sons father subjected you to would be considered serious enough for him to have possibly gone to prison if you’d gone to the police (and managed to get proof/documented your injuries - I realise rape and domestic abuse sadly has low conviction rates).

I suspect your son is minimising whatever he thinks happened for his own mental health reasons, because understandably no-one would want to think their father could be capable of that. But you need to get him to realise that what his dad did was so serious that you cannot be in the same room as his dad.

You can still say comforting things to your son like that what he did to you doesn’t necessarily mean his dad isn’t capable of loving him and that he likely isn’t the same risk/threat to him (your son) as he is to you - so you don’t want to stop him having a relationship with his Dad if that is what he wants/needs etc. However make it clear that the things his father has done means it is not safe for you to be around his father, supposedly “changed” or not, even for your son’s wedding.

Endofyear · 03/10/2025 22:44

I think you need to have a very honest conversation with your son. He is an adult and you don't have to protect him from the truth. Tell him that you love him and that you have found it extremely difficult to see him forging a relationship with the man who abused and terrorised you. You have raised him alone and while you don't expect gratitude, it has been hurtful that his father, who contributed nothing to his upbringing could take precedence over the mother who has done everything for him. I'd be extremely disappointed in my sons if they prioritised having an abusive father at their wedding over their mother who has been there for them through thick and thin.

Original poster
GiftBaggage · 03/10/2025 22:44

Thanks again all, shedding a few tears at the kindness shown.

To answer a few questions, I was 13 and he was 18 when I met him. Thankfully the rape didn’t start until after DS was born, well the non-statutory kind at least, until after my son was born. It happened on many occasions because I wouldn’t put out, not violent because I would just freeze, but definitely forced/against my will, and it was not worth it to refuse, and often whilst I was laid breastfeeding my son in bed, sometimes while I was sleeping. I didn’t even realise what it was until many years later.

I'm really struggling with the idea of telling my son that part. I think for all the same reasons that women don’t speak up. Will he believe me? Will he think it’s not that a big a deal, after all, it wasn’t violent? Would he keep ties with his dad despite knowing? I think he would. DS has said and done several things that have stung since being back in contact with his dad. And can I cope with being responsible for changing his opinion of his dad? I’m feeling that familiar internal conflict when faced with putting my own comfort above other’s feelings.

I think I might book a few sessions with a therapist to help me work through my feelings on this because this has hit me much harder than I expected.

OP posts:
LadyLapsang · 03/10/2025 22:45

I am so sorry. I wonder if you could have some therapy with your son so you can talk to him in an appropriate way about what happened and the two of you can get some support. Perhaps get some help yourself first because my worry is once an abuser always an abuser, but he will just become more skilful, e.g. excluding you from your son’s marriage / life. Your shame or attempts to protect your son have silenced you, but your ex is inveigling his way in - hopefully if you get help to tell the truth about what he did to you, in an appropriate way, it can help repair and strengthen your relationship with your son.

Original poster
GiftBaggage · 03/10/2025 22:45

Forgot to add, DS is 26.

OP posts:
estrogone · 03/10/2025 22:45

Lifealwaysgetsbetter · 03/10/2025 22:41

I’d tell your son that you are not being in the same room as anyone who was convicted of a crime causing harm to you and that it’s not bitter to experience natural trauma. I’d stop short of telling him he’s a rapist but the man was having sex with a child (you). That makes him a peadophile. His girlfriend and potentially her parents should know what he is if they ever intend to have children together. I’m so angry for you being put in this position. Do you have someone you can speak to professionally to help you decide how to handle this?

Show quote history

Interested to know why you would not tell the truth about the rape? How will giving the rapist a safe haven in half truths help.

That's how these people thrive. The feed on shame, it's where they get to hide their depravity. The truth is painful and shocking but, IMO it needs to be spoken out loud. No good can come from rewriting or avoiding history.

Franpie · 03/10/2025 22:46

chipsticksmammy · 03/10/2025 22:27

Can I add another thought to this, DS’s new partner.

It’s worth the truth to your son and her about him. He sounds horrendous but also happily integrating himself back into your son’s life.

If I was her, I would want to know.

I’m so sorry 💐Do not feel any guilt for one second.

I second this, I think you should tell them both the full story of what has happened to you at the hands of that man. If I were your son’s future wife I would want to know and I wouldn’t want him at my wedding.

jackstini · 03/10/2025 22:46

What an awful situation to be in, and so sorry this happened to you

I do think you need to be honest with your DS and his partner. She needs to know her FIL to be is a rapist/pedophile and your DS needs to know that only a situation as bad as this would ever stop you from attending the wedding

Just say you cannot be in the same room as your rapist and you are sure they can understand that

He doesn’t need to specifically know he was conceived due to rape. Just that it did happen, multiple times.

Does he know you were only 14?

It will be a tough but I think necessary conversation