Single SIL never hosting

[Startrekobsessed]

The inevitable Christmas conversation has come in our household. We alternate between mine and my husbands family and this year it’s my husbands families ‘turn’. Sometimes we host and sometimes my MIL hosts.

I’ve noticed that my SIL has never hosted, in 15 years,, and I’m wondering if this is normal, it doesn’t feel it. When we host it’s usually just me doing the cooking because my husband has to entertain the kids (we tried to get in laws to do it but they just want to watch tv) so I don’t see the arguement that she’s one person and it would be too much work. She lives in a 3 bed house so has the space to host so I’m wondering why she doesn’t. It’s like I can see my life stretching out in front of me and us always hosting Christmas when in laws are eventually unable to, and her never needing to, just because we are a couple.

is this normal?? Should we try address it and suggest she hosts this/ one year? Grateful for your views!

Being blunt, you need to ask your SIL to bring food and drink with her to contribute rather than getting her to host.

There is a big difference between hosting a family of 5 and including one single person in your Christmas festivities.

If no one else 'hosted' and you had Christmas just as a family each year the mental load and work would not be much less than having your sister in law along as well.

I would agree with the other poster who said it's about how many people are involved rather than how many households - 5 of your family, 2 mil & fil, 1 sil = 8.

You host 5 times, to mil twice to sil once every 8 years. That would be fairest. I imagine she buys gifts for your whole family whilst only getting one herself?

As far as needing more help I would suggest looking at your husband, as he is also responsible for your 3 kids 😀

Perfectly normal. Some people simply dislike hosting. I am a “single SIL” too and would never host.

OP you have said you like a big family christmas. You are getting a big family christmas every year. What is your problem?

So the inlaws don't bother with your children whilst you are cooking, what do you think you'll be depriving them of if you decide to not host and have Christmas to yourselves?

I always have images of ‘Abigail’s Party’ in my head when there are threads about ‘hosting’.

I think there’s only as much pressure ‘to host’ as you put on yourself, OP. Your SIL clearly doesn’t want to do it, so she doesn’t because the pressure you feel isn’t there.

Would you and your kids even want to come to her house if she offered?

I was the single SIL when siblings were married - they never came to visit mine because it was
a) smaller
b) not equipped with all the kids stuff
c) kids didn't want the faff of getting stuff ready and driving to someone else's and then back when they could be comfy at home with all their own stuff
d) neither did parents because it meant one of them couldn't drink

Sounds like it's not just your immediate family you're expecting her to host but also her parents. In which case she literally might not have enough stuff even if technically she had the space - you're asking for someone who usually caters for 1 or maybe 2 if her partner who doesn't live with her visits to expand to 7.

When I lived alone I literally wouldn't have had 7 plates, sets of cutlery or dining table and chairs to seat you all, only had 1 loo, etc.

I think in families it is usual for the ones with biggest houses (which usually correlates to the larger family group) to host because it just makes more practical sense.

Of course that doesn't mean she shouldn't help out with costs/bringing some pre prepared food and drink or whatever is needed. But I would think very carefully about whether you really want to raise this in case she enthusiastically agrees and then you find out that actually its not particularly fun for you - at least hosting you have control over proceedings, if she hosts and wants to eat much later or serve more/no alcohol or cook the cheapest versions if everything/ really rich food your kids don't like or whatever you have to go along with it.

This is how I’d see it too op, if it’s causing a resentment I don’t think you should carry on hosting.

Perhaps she can't afford to?
That would be a fancy meal, plus snacks and drinks for at least 7 people.
Perhaps her house isn't childproof?

Agree with what PPs are either hinting or downright saying: you're resentful of the unfair distribution of work, OP, but you're taking it out on the wrong person.

You say she earns well and has no mortgage- fine, but that's still her shouldering the cost solo when you and your husband don't have to do that. Solo living is already more expensive, and when you chuck in the fact she's also paying for all the Christmas presents, cards, decorations etc by herself, it's a lot.

Then there's the fact she'd have to do absolutely everything from start to finish with nobody else even to take the bins out- you say you do all the cooking but are you saying your husband does literally no part of the day?

If you want to ask her to contribute more, like bringing dessert or something, that's one thing. But there's truly nothing to gain from trying to make her feel in any way pressurised into hosting if she hasn't herself offered- you can only make her feel got at, and other family members won't thank you for adding unnecessary family tensions at a time when they're not generally thin on the ground anyway.

As for waiting another 15 years for the kids to leave home and then asking her- sorry, but can you not hear how obsessive and unhealthy it sounds even to contemplate that? Either stop hosting yourself, or make others do more when you do, but one way or another you've got to get over this.

Its between your family and your husbands, which includes SIL. So really its an issue for the in-laws to sort out and if MIL is they are content to give her a pass, that's between them. If it was you every single year I could understand but if the agreement is you alternate between DH family and yours, then I don't see the problem. You don't have to host, another member of your family could do it. Or you could just spend Christmas with your immediate family. Lots of posters complaining that hosting Christmas falls on them, but it doesn't - they can say no.

She doens't need to host if she doesn't want to, and neither do you. Just say no and don't be a martyr. Also, are your kids well behaved? Speaking as someone who child free there's no way we would host my SIL and her kids as we had so many delicate things in the house, sharp corners etc. And the way her kids eat is throwing food everywhere. No thanks.

It's appalling that your SIL turns up completely empty-handed every Christmas. So rude. For those commenting that maybe SIL can't afford to host, OP said she earns 80k and has no mortgage.

I’m confused who the “ three of us “ are. There’s your MIL, FIL, SIL, you and your husband , that’s 5.

It sounds to me that your problem is your husband “ watches the kids “ instead of taking his turn hosting . So it’s his turn this year, you watch the kids and let him host HIS family .

Our family Christmasses are never all on the host. Everyone brings stuff, the items are allocated out. I expect us to bring a dessert, salad, and main meat dish or nibbles to dhs family Christmas this year, plus drinks. Similar to the Christmas at my mums, I’ll coordinate with her what we bring.

We used to go to Grandparents but that still felt more or less my own turf - as it did to all the cousins, and a cousin's home probably wouldn't have felt that way to the rest of us.

Suddenly had an overwhelming pang of wanting to be a child again!

I think it's better for the kids to be home tbh, but you need to ask her to contribute.

"Hi all can we split the load a bit this year? Mavis can you bring a starter and a couple of bottles of wine and Mum & Dad bring the pud?"

Mavis!

I'm going to cross-pollinate that suggestion to the baby name threads!

It would be a massive amount to spend though when you're just one person, even if she could afford it, proportional to how much of it she'd actually have herself. I don't think I'd be too keen to spend a few hundred quid on food and drinks and crackers etc when I'd only have one person's share of it myself.

Because it does what it says on the tin?

well you could always make sure you got more ...

Why don’t you just mention it to her or get your husband to if it’s bothering you so much

Just ask her! Maybe MIL has been shutting it down, maybe she doesn’t want to interfere, maybe it’s never crossed her mind. Or ask her to bring xyz - whatever you find is most awkward.

My family never wanted to come to mine when I was single but I’d have loved to host and now we rotate between my brother and I.

Maybe she finds the whole Christmas thing unspeakably tedious and only turns up out of politeness?

There could be lots of reasons she doesn't want to host. Is she happily single? Does she have social anxiety, a very stressful job, money worries? Is her house full of expensive breakable things, or very dirty, or does she have lodgers? Does she have pets who are very jumpy or territorial? My point is, you don't know why she doesn't want to host or hasn't offered, it is the height of entitlement and rudeness to insist she hosts, given she hasn't offered to. And you also won't have a nice time being hosted by someone who feels pressured to. If you are fed up of hosting, say that you are doing your own thing this year, and simply see everyone for a Christmas drink in a pub before or after the big day. You also don't have to do something you do not want to do.