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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Single SIL never hosting

382 replies

Startrekobsessed · 03/10/2025 13:14

The inevitable Christmas conversation has come in our household. We alternate between mine and my husbands family and this year it’s my husbands families ‘turn’. Sometimes we host and sometimes my MIL hosts.

I’ve noticed that my SIL has never hosted, in 15 years,, and I’m wondering if this is normal, it doesn’t feel it. When we host it’s usually just me doing the cooking because my husband has to entertain the kids (we tried to get in laws to do it but they just want to watch tv) so I don’t see the arguement that she’s one person and it would be too much work. She lives in a 3 bed house so has the space to host so I’m wondering why she doesn’t. It’s like I can see my life stretching out in front of me and us always hosting Christmas when in laws are eventually unable to, and her never needing to, just because we are a couple.

is this normal?? Should we try address it and suggest she hosts this/ one year? Grateful for your views!

OP posts:
Thingyfanding1 · 03/10/2025 15:11

Idontdobumsex · 03/10/2025 13:30

Why is it always called ‘hosting’ on here? Have we gone back to Victorian times? Bizarre

What else would you call it?

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/10/2025 15:12

There's some definite penis-privilege going on. OP, if SIL was BIL and he was helping prep and washing up, would he be expected to host?

I bet he'd be on the sofa doing nothing with FIL, and no one would care.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 03/10/2025 15:12

If your SIL were a man would you expect him to host? I doubt it

user1492757084 · 03/10/2025 15:12

Just ask her.
Ask her outright if she would like to host this year.

Accept her answer but if she declines suggest later on that
she would be a huge help if she could come over early to help you and DH prepare the meal.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/10/2025 15:12

ChocolateCinderToffee · 03/10/2025 15:12

If your SIL were a man would you expect him to host? I doubt it

Great minds...

Createausername1970 · 03/10/2025 15:13

When I was single I didn't host Christmas. To be honest it never occurred to me. But I lived in a studio flat, so that just wouldn't have worked on many levels.

Also, if you routinely only cook for one person then the prospect of cooking Christmas dinner for a group can be daunting. It doesn't bother me now, but it did worry me then.

And, as someone else has said, she may be thinking that your kids will be happier in their own home. That's when we started hosting, when we had DS. I dragged him half way across the country on one Christmas morning, and back again that evening, and vowed never to do it again.

I can see both sides. I can see why it's irritating to you, but I can also see why she hasn't offered.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 03/10/2025 15:13

There is definitely a 'thing' that single people are not expected to do certain family things, I think this expectation is within certain families and I've definitely had conversations with my friends about this. Usually as soon as someone has kids and is up to their eyeballs they are expected to take over the reins on hosting with the older generation. As long as someone stays single and child free they get away with it. I have no idea why, maybe an old fashioned idea that the dinner should take place in a 'family' home?

Personally I don't agree with 'maybe she doesn't want to..' if you are going to show up every year and be part of the event then you should be offering to take turns. Its a family get together, if everyone adopted this 'why should I' attitude then it would be OK for OP to invite everyone except SIL because 'why should I' works both ways. But that would be mean and selfish and totally against the whole spirit of the celebrations.

ForTipsyFinch · 03/10/2025 15:14

Does it really matter if she doesn’t want to? You also don’t have to host.

Itsnottheheatitsthehumidity · 03/10/2025 15:17

I would hate to host. I am a divorced person, and much prefer a peaceful day off now. I can’t cook roasts, no matter how hard I try, so there’s no point in asking people round for dinner. Last year I went to my brother’s house, but because of my roster this year I will probably not go. And it’s fine, because Christmas is a huge PITA anyway.

Calliopespa · 03/10/2025 15:17

user1492757084 · 03/10/2025 15:12

Just ask her.
Ask her outright if she would like to host this year.

Accept her answer but if she declines suggest later on that
she would be a huge help if she could come over early to help you and DH prepare the meal.

Edited

I think this is fine to do Op - so long as you can manage to just ask it straight, without an edge to it.

If it sounds like a pointed question or a complaint, you'll have set one of several balls rolling, all of which will land up somewhere I couldn't be bothered going.

Calliopespa · 03/10/2025 15:18

Itsnottheheatitsthehumidity · 03/10/2025 15:17

I would hate to host. I am a divorced person, and much prefer a peaceful day off now. I can’t cook roasts, no matter how hard I try, so there’s no point in asking people round for dinner. Last year I went to my brother’s house, but because of my roster this year I will probably not go. And it’s fine, because Christmas is a huge PITA anyway.

That's not true actually. I mean you don't have to but you can. they cook themselves. Just baste.

WestwardHo1 · 03/10/2025 15:18

I am "single aunt" and have never hosted my sister and her kids either. Mainly because my house is really small, and I know I am a completely shit cook, and would worry that I would be doing a really rubbish Christmas. I am very willing to help at other people's house, bring along food etc, but I think people wouldn't want to come to me. Maybe you SIL is similar.

cryingandshaking · 03/10/2025 15:19

With situations like this, I prefer to “break the habit” rather than make an issue if it. I completely agree with you btw, but unfortunately no matter how you word it, any attempts to get her to host will make you look bad.

I think I would quietly wait until PIL are no longer up for hosting, and make sure you are unavailable to host that year - maybe a trip away or spend it with your own parents. See what happens then.

WestwardHo1 · 03/10/2025 15:20

As long as someone stays single and child free they get away with it.

I see it more as I didn't choose to be in this position. Didn't choose to not be able to have kids and for my exH to leave me for a younger woman, so it's not really a question of "getting away with it".

Flossflower · 03/10/2025 15:22

JHound · 03/10/2025 14:44

Perfectly normal. Some people simply dislike hosting. I am a “single SIL” too and would never host.

But do you expect to be invited every year?
Do you arrive empty handed?

Rhubarbandgooseburycrumble · 03/10/2025 15:24

I’m single and have a child, I host Boxing Day because my sister is a far better cook 😂😂

Can your SIL cook?

trailmx · 03/10/2025 15:25

TheatricalLife · 03/10/2025 13:33

What else do you call it? That's what we call it in real life as well?

Show quote history

I’ve never heard anyone talk about “hosting” in real life.

it depends on the situation, instead of hosting Christmas I’d say I was having visitors, or family staying.
hosting seems a overly genteel description of having friends round for coffee or inviting children to a birthday party.

abracadabra1980 · 03/10/2025 15:26

I've not hosted for years now, since I was married and my kids were younger. I am now single, it's staying that way, I can't cook very well/hate cooking and would find the whole thing overwhelming to do on my own. Others in my family enjoy cooking and hosting, and don't 'expect' me to host anything, but they always want me to go to their homes. In all honesty, I just want to spend it in my PJ's with my own kids and dogs, and not the rest of the bloody extended family, which I've done all of my life bar one year. These days, I truly hate Christmas.

Raquelos · 03/10/2025 15:29

If she hasn't offered, it's because she doesn't want to; she doesn't really need any other reason, tbh. If you don't want to do it yourself, then stop doing it. Making remarks about her taking her 'share' of hosting is not on, though. You don't get to invite yourself over to someone else's house for Xmas 😮

Shatteredallthetimelately · 03/10/2025 15:30

I meant spreading the work between MIL one year, me next, SIL another (3), instead of just me and MIL (2).

You alternate Christmas between your own family and your DH's?

Do your family come to you or you to them if the latter maybe your SIL thinks that the year you're with your family means you've not had to do anything so the following year is your turn.

Also if the latter do you ever have a year where you in invite just your family to yours to do Christmas day, just the day spent with you and them?

I know what you mean I've a sibling that would never host Christmas or contribute in any way, eventually went NC so solved the problem for me.

Theif · 03/10/2025 15:31

Dontlletmedownbruce · 03/10/2025 15:13

There is definitely a 'thing' that single people are not expected to do certain family things, I think this expectation is within certain families and I've definitely had conversations with my friends about this. Usually as soon as someone has kids and is up to their eyeballs they are expected to take over the reins on hosting with the older generation. As long as someone stays single and child free they get away with it. I have no idea why, maybe an old fashioned idea that the dinner should take place in a 'family' home?

Personally I don't agree with 'maybe she doesn't want to..' if you are going to show up every year and be part of the event then you should be offering to take turns. Its a family get together, if everyone adopted this 'why should I' attitude then it would be OK for OP to invite everyone except SIL because 'why should I' works both ways. But that would be mean and selfish and totally against the whole spirit of the celebrations.

Quite often as the single person you want to host things and aren't actually allowed. I remember when I got together with my partner and my SIL told me I'd now be allowed to host my own Christmas (smug cow). I always felt as a single person I was expected to just slot in with everyone else plans, rather than having my own turn and being able to run the show as it were.

Kisskiss · 03/10/2025 15:32

Do we have the same SIL??
mine invited us once for one meal in my entire time of knowing her.. meanwhile would be over at ours for multiple Christmas dinners, dinner parties dinners etc … she also had a habit of coming empty handed ( always with some excuse, “it’s Sunday” “‘my hands are full”. But then drinking all of the wine in our house….
so in the end rather than getting increasingly resentful, I told DH we wouldn’t host anymore, rather just pay a pub to cook Christmas dinner

her not hosting also was all through when Dh and I had no kids, so it was literally that she couldn’t be bothered to cook for 2 of us. One year her parents and sister were staying at our place for Xmas- she invited 3 of them to hers for Boxing Day ( but not dh and myself) because it was apparently too difficult to cook for so many people. It was especially irritating as she had just been at ours for Xmas Eve dinner.. so it felt even more blatantly one sided….

Trallers · 03/10/2025 15:32

"SIL I reslise that we've always held Christmas at either ours or MILS, so much so it's become an alternating habit. But that leaves you out of ever getting to have Christmas at yours - shall we change it up and include you in the rotation?"

She can say yes, or she can say to be honest I'd rather not host, and at least then you'd know how she feels! She's just one person so if she doesn't want to I'd take that on the chin and not waste energy getting irritated by it.

Kisskiss · 03/10/2025 15:33

Trallers · 03/10/2025 15:32

"SIL I reslise that we've always held Christmas at either ours or MILS, so much so it's become an alternating habit. But that leaves you out of ever getting to have Christmas at yours - shall we change it up and include you in the rotation?"

She can say yes, or she can say to be honest I'd rather not host, and at least then you'd know how she feels! She's just one person so if she doesn't want to I'd take that on the chin and not waste energy getting irritated by it.

Good message and definitely best to address directly ! Although she’s one person but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have to host ever, once every 10 times works out ok???

paradisecircus · 03/10/2025 15:36

I'm single and have never offered to host family at Christmas. I kind of assume people are happy with the arrangements we've become used to and would say or at least hint if they weren't. Perhaps it needs addressing directly if you want her to host.