Single SIL never hosting

[Startrekobsessed]

The inevitable Christmas conversation has come in our household. We alternate between mine and my husbands family and this year it’s my husbands families ‘turn’. Sometimes we host and sometimes my MIL hosts.

I’ve noticed that my SIL has never hosted, in 15 years,, and I’m wondering if this is normal, it doesn’t feel it. When we host it’s usually just me doing the cooking because my husband has to entertain the kids (we tried to get in laws to do it but they just want to watch tv) so I don’t see the arguement that she’s one person and it would be too much work. She lives in a 3 bed house so has the space to host so I’m wondering why she doesn’t. It’s like I can see my life stretching out in front of me and us always hosting Christmas when in laws are eventually unable to, and her never needing to, just because we are a couple.

is this normal?? Should we try address it and suggest she hosts this/ one year? Grateful for your views!

Have you actually asked her to host?

In my experience some people (especially those who like a big family Christmas) object to other people stealing their chance for “Christmas Hosting Glory”. She might think you’d be upset at dropping to once in every 4 years.

Alternatively she might dislike a big family Christmas and be dragged along out of politeness every because your MIL makes her. 😆

My sister and her family never host, my PIL will host immediate family but not beyond that. They have their reasons but mostly they just don’t like doing it.

Their choice, and mine to host 12 people every year.

Not everyone has to contribute to the family in the same way.

I think it’s a bit unreasonable to expect one person to feed and host 7 other people compared to the family of 4 hosting 3 other people. Don’t know how old your kids are but she may also think you have all the highchairs, cutlery, toys etc at yours so it’s easier all round. When I was single I never hosted my friend + husband and 2 kids at mine for the same reason (and didn’t have space).

What you could suggest is she cook Christmas lunch at yours 1/3 years so you sometimes get to sit down and relax.

So your husband really isn’t hosting either? He’s just relaxing and playing with the kids, which presumably he’d be doing anyway.

I’m not sure why you expect his sister to take a turn with the cooking when her brother never has.

You have a DH problem, not a SIL problem.

It is quite normal actually. I'm not sure why. I have kids now but a long time ago when I was single and childless I was often treated as a less 'proper' part of the family, had to share a room with my (divorced) parents at christmas once eg, rarely consulted about how things were done. The kids were always very very central to any xmas arrangements and that often felt quite annoying. I always thought the recompense was not having to shove my hand up a turkey's bum every other year tbh.

My best guess would be she either has not thought much about it or she dosnt want people in her house/dosnt like the thought of hosting.

I think the whole “but we have to host” line a bit pathetic, no one is forcing you, we live in a world now where it is perfectly acceptable to say no to family, we do.

I think is because she is just one and although you may endings doing the lot you count as many

My spin on it as a single woman. I am MASSIVELY underconfident when it comes to most things but cooking especially as I only have to look after myself. I wouldn't have a clue how to cater for a lot of people - it would be different if someone else cooked it and brought it along. My house also needs some bits and pieces done to it, so I get a bit embarrassed. She could have valid reasons and it's not fair to judge her based on her being single.

That was my exact same thought. It would never even have occurred to me to expect a single childless relative to host, for that very reason.

We always hosted my parents and single sister and Uncle - it just made sense to, we've got 5 kids and it was a lot more hassle to take them all to someone else's house. The kids preferred to be at home with all their stuff here and being able to go off to their rooms when they want.

There's no way my sister would have been able to cook a huge meal for so many people - she's just not used to it and would have got in a right flap! We used to spread the work though, with one person bringing the starters (easy things like smoked salmon or prawn cocktail) and someone else making and bringing desserts.

Why not suggest you all muck in and everyone brings a couple of dishes and you just do the turkey, roasties & gravy?

She's being judged for not hosting. (So always taking but not reciprocating) Not for being single.

Yes, very true.

If you are single your house may not be set up to host.

Maybe she doesn't have the required pots and pans, chairs, dishwasher capacity, oven room, parking spaces, beds etc

Your house is probably a lot less family friendly if you are single and not set up to cater for large numbers of people.

Maybe you could ask her politely would it be possible for you to arrange X ?

Where she is probably not doing so well is not being a bit more generous in her contributions to the effort.

Yes, because there's two of you to share the mental, financial and physical load (even if you have to look after your own children!) and only one of her.

If your DH leaves it all to you and doesn't help out, then you have a DH problem, not a SIL problem.

In any case, don't host if you don't want to. Its not obligatory.

Maybe she's just not that into Christmas. Maybe she feels unconfident hosting. Maybe she doesn't like the idea of all those people in her home. It's no one's business really. Maybe in the future if your ILs do stop hosting, perhaps you could ask her if she wouldn't mind doing one year. But she's allowed to say no.

Interesting that your husband gets a free pass at not cooking because “he’s rubbish at a roast” but you’re complaining about your SIL not doing it?

To be honest I think it’s normal for families to do the hosting.

I’m single albeit with kids so not the same but the thought of having to host 6-7 people on my own is quite overwhelming tbh. I’m also not a confident cook.

Yes, there's truth in this as well. Children tend to be more easily disgruntled ( or vocal) about the food not being done the way mum does it, whereas adults sort of grin and bear it if it's not how they like it.

If I think back to before I had dc, I might have felt a bit intimidated by mini gourmets - especially when it's the big meal of the year! Now i understand its just low nutrient carb and sugar and they are happy.

In my family it's always families that host, not single people.

The biggest reason is that families have a bigger house that can fit everyone - a single person usually lives in a small flat that won't accommodate a number of guests and have a big kitchen/dining area to cater for everyone. On a minor note, kids might also prefer to be in their own home or in a home that has more space, toys and play areas, ie a their home or a cousin's or other family home.

Then we do have members of the family that just rarely host. I don't know why, they have the space etc, that's just the way it is. It's never been a problem as far as I know.

In your case, you say SIL has the space - do you think she might feel that it's not her place to host? Maybe she has complicated feelings over being single with no kids? Or the family has just fallen into the pattern of not seeing her as a host? The family could suggest it to her as a form of bonding and inclusion, as a kind of 'we wanted to see if you would like to,' and see what happens.

Ask your DH? He probably has a better understanding. Also think about alternating the cooking/entertaining kids duty. I always opted for cooking, because with prep, it’s quite a sweet deal.

Wrong post

Does she know how?

It sounds ridiculous but I never hosted anything when I was single because the idea of cooking for other people was bad enough but all the other things people expect at Christmas like decorations and extra food and all sorts would have been utterly beyond me. "We" host Christmas alternate years now but it's all DH. I just do cleaning up.

I will happily bring anything I am asked for to anyone else's house and follow any instructions from the head chef or clean and tidy up after everyone. But solo hosting? Nope. Not a chance.

Could you not just say “SIL do you want to host this year?” I’m sure she’ll probably tell you why she doesn’t. Maybe she’s a bad cook, bad at planning events or doesn’t like people in her home. Or maybe that’s just been the set up for so long that she’s never even thought about it.

And it’s women doing it. The men seem to have miraculously disappeared.

I loved Christmas as a child. But I never ever wanted to leave my own home. Lucky I only remember it happening once when we went to my grandparents.

How old are your kids? If she has her lovely 3 bed home, she might not want young kids marauding around her perfectly curated space. I can think of a friend who is like that - can barely cope with visitors upsetting her space

Maybe she doesn't want to? With our families the people that "host" are the ones that want to. We usually alternate between my parents and partner's parents but if there wasn't an invite then I would stay at my own house. I have never hosted but have offered an invite this year as have moved and and am quite excited to have Christmas in our new house.