Single SIL never hosting

[Startrekobsessed]

The inevitable Christmas conversation has come in our household. We alternate between mine and my husbands family and this year it’s my husbands families ‘turn’. Sometimes we host and sometimes my MIL hosts.

I’ve noticed that my SIL has never hosted, in 15 years,, and I’m wondering if this is normal, it doesn’t feel it. When we host it’s usually just me doing the cooking because my husband has to entertain the kids (we tried to get in laws to do it but they just want to watch tv) so I don’t see the arguement that she’s one person and it would be too much work. She lives in a 3 bed house so has the space to host so I’m wondering why she doesn’t. It’s like I can see my life stretching out in front of me and us always hosting Christmas when in laws are eventually unable to, and her never needing to, just because we are a couple.

is this normal?? Should we try address it and suggest she hosts this/ one year? Grateful for your views!

If your argument is that it's unfair because you do all the work in spite of being married, then I'd say that your problem lies with your husband.

In normal circumstances, hosting should be easier for a couple than a single person.

"Cinaferna · Today 13:55

zeebra · Today 13:20

What is her financial situation like? Without knowing this I can't say. One person has to earn quite a bit to make up to two people's salaries. Can she afford to host everyone at an expensive time of year? I speak from experience as there is a similar situation in my family.

I understand this, but once you have kids, two salaries are just as stretched as a single person running a home. She has a 3-bed house so she can't be broke or she;d have downsized/taken in lodgers."

Exactly. I read this a lot. That couples have more money. A couple on their own would, sure. But a couple with kids is going to be more stretched financially than a single person living alone (especially if they're mortgage free like the SIL here)

I think you need to interrogate your own internalised misogyny, OP. You certainly wouldn’t be asking this if your husband had a brother rather than a sister.

Why don't you play with DC and DH cooks?

If you rarely go to her house she might not like hosting anything never mind Christmas. What does she do on your family year Christmases?

Yes I would. I cook because my husband is rubbish at a roast and frankly he is much better at entertaining our 3 children alone than I am.

OP, you need to be a bit more vocal. Tell people to bring dishes. Turn the TV off. Tell your ILs to look after their grandchildren.
As GPs, if we go to one of our children’s homes for any meal we always look after the children. We also offer to help. At Christmas, I usually bring prepared dishes. I just ask before what they want me to bring. We also bring the wine.
Your sister in law may just not want children messing up her home or it could be that she has never thought of entertaining.

Why haven't you asked her?
I never host, my house is tiny, my table sits 4, my siblings have bigger houses.
I always bring wine, trifle, and wash up.

If a single member of the family intends using their single status to get out of entertaining the family at Christmas then they should at least offer to bring something, wine maybe. Even a single person must go in Sainsburys at some time near Christmas. Anything less is selfish.

What does your husband say about it? Have you asked him why she never hosts Christmas?

I am a single person. My sister is married with a kid and a dog. Our dad is on his own as our mum died years ago. We all live in different places several hours apart. Christmas is always at my sister's house. They are the most complicated ones to move, with the most stuff, and it makes sense to keep the 4yo and dog in their own space rather than driving them across the country to make hosting "fairer". Plus I live in a tiny maisonette so people would have to come and rent an Air B&B to come to mine for Christmas Day. And our dad is 70 and while he keeps himself fine he realistically couldn't "do" hosting Christmas.

HOWEVER - we chip in money, food, drink, and help with a lot of the prep and cooking and washing up. And not just for Christmas lunch, across the few days we stay.

And yes, it’s entirely normal for a single person not to host.

I have a lifelong friend who has never married or had kids; I’m married with 2 now adult kids.

We either meet in London, or she comes to our house. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve been to her house, and most of those were after she had an operation.

This has never been something I feel resentful about - for her, hosting four people for lunch/dinner is a much bigger undertaking than for me to host one person (plus I have other people around to help out). And I get so much out of my friendship with her, as do my kids, for whom she has always been a trusted adult and an excellent sounding board.

She has a brother and nieces and nephews, and always spends Christmas with them and various members of her sister in law’s family - it’s a big group of people taking turns to host. She doesn’t host but that’s not an issue - she contributes in other ways.

Resentment is a nasty and unattractive feeling, OP. Don’t allow it to build where it doesn’t need to.

Hosting Christmas would be quite a challenge for someone who's not even used to everyday catering for a family. Have you ever asked her if she enjoys entertaining? Does she show any interest in getting involved?

It could be she'd love it but because she's single it's always been ruled out based on assumptions. Why not invite her to take on one or two tasks this year (e.g. table setting, tree decoration, cheese board, starters, whatever) and see if that gets the ball rolling.

Also. I wonder. If this were a single BIL in a three-bedroomed house, would you still mind that he never offered to play host at Christmas?

You’re choosing to be a martyr. Give your in laws clear instructions to watch the children and bring particular dishes, and have your husband help out with the kitchen grunt work. I’m sure he can peel and chop vegetables and help wash up as you go.

Tbh OP, I wouldn't expect a single person to host, I'm assuming, at least 6 guests for Christmas. At the most basic level I doubt she'd even have sufficient cutlery, plates, bowls etc? Even dining chairs?!

To me it makes much more sense for her to travel to either her parents or you for Christmas, and it sounds like she does help out so not really sure why you feel like she needs to do the whole thing herself. Also not sure how old you children are, but if they're younger her house is unlikely to be set up with things to entertain them (although obviously they'll get gifts on the day I guess?)

I think I'd feel quite awkward to take my whole family round to just one person to host everyone, unless I knew they were really keen to do it, and I'd end up helping out loads anyway. I'd rather be at home I think!

Maybe your SIL isnt a confident cook and the idea of cooking for six extra people feels overwhelming? Think about it. What feels doable to you might feel next to impossible for her. So the effort involved in hosting is not comparable, really. And don’t forget you will be seen as a competent cook and she might think you could judge her.

What happens when it’s your family’s turn? Who hosts then?
I don’t think there’s any harm in saying “shall we come to yours this year?” or any harm in her saying no. Or say you will have Christmas dinner in your house but can she please arrive early and help with the prep.

It matters because she is a single person, as in 1 person. So is it unreasonable to expect her to host compared to us, a couple

How ridiculous! It's like saying that a family of 4 should entertain less than a family of 6! If you want to be pedantic on numbers the single person should do 1 year and the couple 2 years.

I do think it's important at family christmas's for everyone to contribute. Nothing worse than the people who don't. On DH's side we have a few of those. There always seem to be reasons why we can't ask either. My resentment is just simmering at the moment as although I hosted last year and this year - it wasn't the full christmas thing as we are/were with my family - but next year, when it's back with them, I think I'm going to have to say something because quite frankly, BIL and Adult Nephew not bringing so much as a packet of crisps is really starting to wind me up.

My sister and husband have never hosted and I dont think it would ever occur to them as they dont have kids and they also dont really cook. Never really bothered me though to be fair. I dont mind hosting and do have the space but I dont have the cooking facilities (or will to do it) so will only host if the in laws bring the majority of the food :)

Why doesn't your husband suggest it? He could suggest everyone goes to her for Christmas lunch and then back to yours for evening drinks and snacks.

I imagine it’s because she’s simply a taker rather than a giver. Some people would just rather not volunteer to do anything and will wait it out for someone else to jump in there and do it for them.

This is literally BIL and SIL. They have never hosted anything ever. Nor has MIL at least not in the last decade or more, since all her kids moved out. Her partner doesn’t allow anyone over to the house, even though it’s her house and Dh/BIL’s family home. BIL/SIL won’t host either because too much effort and cost. They will come to ours though, not just for Christmas, but the whole week around it, empty handed.

They often bring a few beers (I don’t even drink) and one year, I think we got a packet of crisps. No offers to get a takeaway or cook a meal. One year they bought us a round of drinks at the pub though. It’s eye watering expensive to feed and water several extra adults 3 meals a day plus snacks for a week at Christmas. We can’t even be like, right, let’s go out for a meal, because it’s 50/50 if everyone stares at the ground waiting for us to pay for that too.

I hate it. It makes me angry all year long. One summer they even came along on our family holiday. Turned up in their bloody camper van and parked it in the drive of the Airbnb and there they stayed for the week being fed and watered and tagging along on days out. 😩 Dh has a tricky family and he would not see them otherwise, so I sort of stuff down my emotions and try to get on with it, so he gets to spend time with his family like once a year. But it breaks my soul.

Last year I got cancer and we didn’t host (didn’t see anyone either) and it was great. This year, still have cancer though much better, but I’m still not hosting and we might go away. We won’t see anyone again until they can come stay at ours and be fed and watered, so who knows when that will be. Dh is twitchy about it, but I think it’s great.

Perhaps she just doesn’t want to, or perhaps she’s a really shit cook etc?

She shouldn’t feel pressured into hosting.

I don't mind hosting christmas.
I've never enjoyed Christmas when I've been at someone else's for it but I don't mind hosting.
Since I had kids I've always done Christmas at home with them. Some years we have guests some we don't.

Of course, but there are two adults in your house, and in your PIL, so not one adult doing everything, and someone to watch the kids.

If you want to be "fair" there are 5 in your household, 2 for mil and 1 for sil. So even removing the children yours and dh turn should be seperate so you do two out of 5 Christmases, mil and fil do two out of 5, and sil does one out of 5.

As you at your side every other year that means over 10 years sil should do 1. Mil should do 2 and you should do 2. Is it really worth stressing over?? It probably is nicer for your children to be at home. And if you want more help with cooking or supervising ask.

It is also not unreasonable to ask sil if she would like to host, but wrong to expect. You say you like the wider family Christmas and are willing to take a turn, if you want to pull back from that you could. But you cant insist sil steps up.