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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my friend to stay the night when she visits?

295 replies

Ihopeyourehappy · 03/10/2025 11:07

we have been friends for about 5 years and for 4 of those years, I haven’t seen her. She moved to a different city and even though we text and call all the time we have just never met up even though we kept saying we will.

Now we actually are! She has said she will come to Manchester because there’s not a lot to do her end. She’s getting the train, it’s about a 3 hour train ride but it’s not booked yet, we are just sorting out the day and what we will do etc. I asked her if she’s planning on getting the train home in the evening or staying in a hotel and she replied asking if she could stay with me. I feel awful because I feel like it’s rude to say no, when she’s paying to come here and making the journey. However for a couple of different reasons, I just don’t want her to stay. I told her one of the reasons and she has replied with a solution and now I don’t know what to say because I just don’t want her to stay. I’m absolutely awful aren’t I?! I’ve just realised I’m probably a rubbish friend

OP posts:
BriceNobeslovesMurielHeslop · 03/10/2025 11:10

i think you either have to have her stay the night, come clean and offer to meet her half way, or come clean and offer to pay for half her hotel room.

WineBeforeWhine · 03/10/2025 11:11

Why don’t you want her to stay? It would help with replies if you tell us.

JadziaD · 03/10/2025 11:12

She's putting a lot of time and effort and money in to see you. So either you let her stay or you be 100% honest, "I'm sorry, I find it really difficult because XXXX" and then also compensate her - so pay fo rher hotel room would be my advice.

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 03/10/2025 11:13

Claim you have screaming night terrors. Or you sleepwalk nude.

ItIsNotTheDog · 03/10/2025 11:14

Just keep telling her it won't work for her to stay with you.
If she is a good friend she would understand you and your reasons and it shouldn't be a problem.

pinkspeakers · 03/10/2025 11:14

I think you are being a bit unreasonable given how far she is coming. But it depends on your living space. Do you have a guest room? If not then I think it's fine to suggest she should stay at a hotel instead. But you should offer to pay half.

Catpiece · 03/10/2025 11:14

“No, that doesn’t work for me/us” should be all you need to say.

Flossflower · 03/10/2025 11:14

Have you posted about this before? It sounds familiar.
Why don’t you want her to stay? Is there a reason or simply you can’t be bothered? Do you live alone ?
If you can’t be bothered, maybe it is not worth taking this relationship forward,

timeandagainagain · 03/10/2025 11:15

If a friend were taking a 3 hour train journey to come see me, I would absolutely invite her to stay. But, I have lots of friends come to stay - and to me the extra effort is worth it as they get embedded in my daily life and that fosters a closer friendship. Why don't you want your friend to stay?

pinkspeakers · 03/10/2025 11:15

I think also it's hard to answer without you explaining a bit more what your reasons are.

PegDope · 03/10/2025 11:16

Catpiece · 03/10/2025 11:14

“No, that doesn’t work for me/us” should be all you need to say.

Imagine actually saying that to someone and not following up with why. So rude.

Shutuptrevor · 03/10/2025 11:17

I can’t imagine someone going to the effort and expense of travelling three hours to see me and not putting them up! So I do think YABU. But, if your reasons are truly huge, the least you can do is pay for her train ticket or a hotel.

Catpiece · 03/10/2025 11:18

PegDope · 03/10/2025 11:16

Imagine actually saying that to someone and not following up with why. So rude.

Show quote history

Its my home with my rules

pinkspeakers · 03/10/2025 11:19

Catpiece · 03/10/2025 11:14

“No, that doesn’t work for me/us” should be all you need to say.

I disagree. This not some cheeky-fucker request. This is a friend who is travelling 3 hours each way to visit. I'd find that a pretty rude response in the circumstances and would wonder whether they wanted me to visit at all.

On the other hand, if they explained that the house is not in a fit state for visitors and they are embarassed, or there are health problems involved, or general anxiety about the situation, then I would be more than sympathetic.

Mum2Fergus · 03/10/2025 11:20

How close are you two really? It feels like it would ve having a near stranger stay the night with you…I would be suggesting you meet halfway and organise a room each.

Catpiece · 03/10/2025 11:21

The one who thinks she’s entitled to stay with us (after she moved away) has ripped the piss out of our house, where we live and referred to me as scummy for renting. She won’t be staying here. It doesn’t work for me.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 03/10/2025 11:21

I'd be disappointed if I was going all that way to meet a friend and was expected to book into a hotel. Why don't you want her to stay?

Glowingup · 03/10/2025 11:24

Catpiece · 03/10/2025 11:14

“No, that doesn’t work for me/us” should be all you need to say.

You’d actually speak that way to someone who is a friend? Do people do this in real life? I thought it was just a Mumsnet myth.

Delatron · 03/10/2025 11:25

I understand as I don’t like people staying. However, she is travelling 3 hours to see you. So you need to explain the reasons.

Only other option is you go and see her and get a train back (so you suck up the 6 hour journey). Or you pay for her hotel. As she’s spending time and money to come and see you.

This is not some CF request!

DiscoBob · 03/10/2025 11:26

If you have a spare bedroom then I'd say it's unreasonable not to offer it. If you don't you can simply say you don't have anywhere for her to sleep? I'm guessing you said this already though, and she responded saying she'll bring a sleeping bag/camping mattress?

Is it something to do with not sleeping well or anxiety? Is your house super messy/are you a bit hoardy? If so you should tell her. Hopefully she'll understand.

Nevertriedcaviar · 03/10/2025 11:26

You need to tell us why you don't want her to stay. If you don't have room then fair enough, but you didn't say that. She's travelling a long way to see you, so why can't you put her up for the night?

Tourmalines · 03/10/2025 11:28

So she replied with a solution to one of the problems which I seem to gather would’ve fixed up that problem and then you go on to say you just don’t want her to stay. I think you are being very unreasonable because she is travelling three hours to see you. I mean, do you even value her friendship or appreciate the time and cost it might be for her ? Are you going to feed her in that one day?

Delatron · 03/10/2025 11:28

OP - you may have valid reasons. Such as - you’re a hoarder, you don’t feel comfortable with people staying the night, you sleep talk/walk etc. But we can only help you if you tell us the real reason.

Original poster
Ihopeyourehappy · 03/10/2025 11:29

Well when we were organising meeting up and coming up with a date, I assumed I would be going to her but I told her it would have to be after Christmas because I simply can’t afford it right now. We are going on holiday next week, then I have family birthdays, house renovations, Christmas, a wedding to save for. I just can’t afford it. So she said she would be happy to come here instead because there’s nothing to do her end anyway.

So we agreed on a date that suited us both and then it dawned on me recently that I should invite her to stay. In different circumstances I wouldn’t mind it at all. And this may sound very trivial to a lot of people so I’m expecting to be slated.

  1. we don’t have a spare room. She would either have to sleep on the couch or in bed with me while DP has the couch. I’m just not someone who is comfortable sharing the bed though. Most nights DP gets on the couch anyway as I don’t get a lot of sleep due to endometriosis pain so when I do manage to get a bit of sleep, his snoring then wakes me up so either me or him will then retreat to the sofa.
  2. due to my issues with sleeping, and naturally being an introvert, I just want to go home at the end of the day and be by myself as I’ll be shattered and drained, instead of carrying the day into the night. I’ve been on holiday with her before and it was torture because she wanted to stay up until 2am and I’m in bed for 10 most nights feeling absolutely shattered. I will dread spending the day socialising and being out and about in town, to then have to come home and stay up with her all night because it will be rude for me to bogg off at 10pm and leave her sat there on her own
  3. the house is a shambles. So much so that I would be embarrassed for anyone to be here and see it. Wardrobes have been ripped out and so there’s piles of clothes everywhere because I don’t have any wardrobes yet (the new ones won’t be in by the time she comes) there’s DPs work tools everywhere and as it’s a small house and we don’t have a garage or a shed, there’s nowhere to put them. I know this is a vain reason tbh and she probably wouldn’t care at all. But there’s absolutely no way on earth I could let her stay in the bedroom with me at the current state it’s in.
OP posts:
janehopper · 03/10/2025 11:30

A three hour train ride each way is some distance, she'll obviously need to stay over somewhere. It does feel like you should offer, she's your friend and she's coming a long way to see you. It depends what the friendship is worth to you I suppose.