Page 5 | To not want my friend to stay the night when she visits?

Cookaburraa · 03/10/2025 12:32

Kiss goodbye to that friendship then OP. If you want a penpal, advertise for one.

Goditsmemargaret · 03/10/2025 12:33

Tagyoureit · 03/10/2025 12:26

And some are not. 🤷‍♀️

The OP said this didnt work for her and friend dismissed it, thats rude.

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Well that's not strictly true, OP said she didn't have a bed for her friend and friend said she didn't mind.

OP I think your reasons are valid and I wouldn't be upset if I was your friend. I was once in her shoes and - due to a misunderstanding - I thought my friends were hosting and they thought I was staying elsewhere and meeting for dinner.

My friend cleared it up by messaging. "Hi, I think we have crossed wires; are you intending to stay here with us? Unfortunately we won't be able to host, the house isn't suitable"

I then replied
"Sorry I had misunderstood. I'm not sure now if I will be able to come but I'll see if I can organise something else. I'll confirm in the next day or two"

Nobody was offended or awkward or anything.

I was vaguely curious as to why their house wasn't suitable as it's very spacious but totally accepted her decision. As an aside, it came to light later - husband is an extreme hoarder.

MyLimeGuide · 03/10/2025 12:35

Be honest with her, stick to your guns, send her links to hotels to book. I would feel the same, it would be totally different if u were single.

opencecilgee · 03/10/2025 12:36

I think you should probably drop the friendship as it’s not practical

Friendlygingercat · 03/10/2025 12:37

I understand all your reasons about being out and about during the day and wanting somewhere to mentally retreat to a quiet place of a night. Although I live in a 3 bedroom house I dont host overnight guests. One room is my bedroom, One my office and the other my stock room (I deal in antiques). I would not want someone on the settee under my feet. I would offer her a room in a nearby Ibis or Premier Inn of which there are many in Manchester. There are plenty of reasonable priced hotels in the city center.

user1492757084 · 03/10/2025 12:37

Can you borrow someone's campervan and set it up in the drive?

Realistically, I would never think to stay at a friend's place if I planned to travel three hours and meet them in the city for fun or gallery visits, a concert etc..
Most of my friends have never had me to stay; it is not a measure of friendship.

Owly11 · 03/10/2025 12:39

This friendship is never going to work. She is pushy and an extrovert and you are an introvert who struggles to say no. You don’t live near each other and never see each other. If it were me I would just call it off this time and say that you will come to see her another time.

floraldreamer · 03/10/2025 12:44

Tagyoureit · 03/10/2025 12:20

I cant believe some of the replies on here!!

You dont want anyone staying in your home, thats it, no need for any boundary pushing from anyone! Its your home!

I think its really rude of your friend to come up with a solution to the reason you said no for!! Talk about pushing it! Get the bloody hint!

I don't think this always applies.

Some people do not like sleeping on sofas and would turn their nose up at it. Friend may have thought OP was just being polite and testing to see if she were one of them or if she were happy enough on a sofa for the night. It can depend on how it is worded 'I am sorry you can't stay, we don't have a spare room' less so than 'Oh I am sorry, we only have the sofa available so can't put you up'.. etc etc

To the OP, to have friends you have to be a friend (unfortunately for some). She's coming a long way to see you and you do have room for her, just not 'a' room.
She thinks you want to see her, she seems to value you more so than the other way around. If you do want to see her, you have to compromise on this one occasion. It may not be as difficult as you think but if it is, you know for next time. Find a half way point or yes, you go to her.

Original poster

Ihopeyourehappy · 03/10/2025 12:46

I think that some people are just focussing on one of my reasons as well. If it was just that I’d be tired at the end of the day, then yes I would suck it up. If it was just that the house is a bomb site, I might just have to let go of my insecurity and get on with it. If it was just that it meant I wouldn’t sleep that night due to DP snoring, I would have to put up with that for the night. However it’s all of my reasoning combined that is just making me really not want to do it. It’s having to “just suck up” so many things, when a better alternative would just be to wait a few months until I have some
money and then we could get a hotel together or something or meet in the middle etc. then we both get to enjoy the day. I messaged her earlier anyway asking and she hasn’t replied yet

OP posts:

reversingdumptruckwithnotyreson · 03/10/2025 12:46

It should just have been a firm “no you can’t stay” from the beginning instead of making it sound like a “yes, but”.

However I’d say since she’s footing the travel bill, I’d foot the activities for the day/meal/whatever the plan is.

PinkyFlamingo · 03/10/2025 12:47

Catpiece · 03/10/2025 11:14

“No, that doesn’t work for me/us” should be all you need to say.

Oh come on seriously you would say that to a friend and not feel you have to say why? If someone said that to me I would be revaluating the friendship.

EleventyThree · 03/10/2025 12:48

StrawberrySquash · 03/10/2025 11:37

I think this may be one of those suck up the inconvenience to have a nice time occasions. If you can manage the bed situation. Set expectations around staying out late and give her the sofa and you and DP cope for the night. It's not ideal, but if there's not loads of spare cash sloshing around what else can you do? It's that or not have the weekend. I find it frustrating when people airily say, 'Just get a hotel room'. That takes things into much more considered purchase territory - meals and travel are pricey enough already!

I agree with this. It's one night. I feel like you're making it into a bigger issue than it is. You can most likely handle a little temporary discomfort to be able to see your friend. Being sn introvert really isn't an excuse...

Oaktreet · 03/10/2025 12:48

You don't have to stay up until 2am with her. I'm also an introvert and like to be in bed when I'm tired. If I'm with friends in my home or theirs I just tell them I need to go to bed soon then go soon after that.

nam3c4ang3 · 03/10/2025 12:50

Sorry OP - but you don’t sound as if you like her or want her to come, that much travel to see you, it’s really unfair on her to have to travel that far within a day - just be honest with her and maybe step back from the friendship a bit …

Delatron · 03/10/2025 12:50

ChangingWeight · 03/10/2025 12:31

I think too many posters are fixated on trying to make this person staying over work…when it just sounds like they need just to reel in the plans. Especially if it’s causing OP a lot of worry and anxiety as per their last post, OP clearly seems uncomfortable. I don’t think think
”sticking it out” is the right approach under these circumstances. Especially as it’s not a close friend.

Agree. OP doesn’t need to suck anything up if it means she’s anxious and stressed and won’t enjoy any part of it.

I think meeting halfway for lunch is a good solution.

Original poster

Ihopeyourehappy · 03/10/2025 12:50

I understand the people saying “but she is travelling a long way” and “she values this more than you” etc but I think that’s very unfair. I have already explained that I am more than willing to travel to her or meet in the middle or pay for a hotel room for either her or both of us WHEN I CAN AFFORD TO. I explained to her we can’t meet until the new year because I won’t have money until then. She is the one pushing to meet at a time that is a financial struggle for me. She has decided that she would rather pay for her trains and do a 6 hour trip rather than wait a few months when we can make a more fair arrangement. I am not forcing her to do this.

OP posts:

ginasevern · 03/10/2025 12:51

I personally don't like people staying over and, if I was the friend in this scenario, I certainly wouldn't want to sleep on the sofa in a small house that looks like a building site - unless I was 16 years old. You've made the right call OP. Wait until she can stay over at a hotel. If she gets pissy about it then it's her loss and not yours.

Cafenoisette · 03/10/2025 12:53

Is there any nice place, half-way, where you can meet with your friend, spend the day together and then both return to your own homes, so she doesn't have to face a 6 hour return trip?

Kerrisk · 03/10/2025 12:54

Ihopeyourehappy · 03/10/2025 11:35

It was that I don’t have a room for her but she said she’s fine with the couch

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Honestly, OP, this is a non-problem. Just say the house is in far too much disarray for you to have anyone to stay at the moment, and you’ll understand if that means she can’t come.

Nestingbirds · 03/10/2025 12:54

Ihopeyourehappy · 03/10/2025 11:37

The other solution though is to just postpone the visit until I have money to pay for a hotel for a her, or until the house is a bit more sorted and I feel comfortable with it. However this was planned back in August and when I said I’m not free until October I said but it’s ok it’s not too far away and she said “it is though.. it’s ages away” and got a bit huffy with me so I know if I try to push it back even more she’s going to be arsey

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You don’t know her well enough that’s why you feel like you do.

I would offer to meet her half way or cancel altogether. You are not comfortable with the arrangement, and it’s going to be awkward.

Going forward you need to ensure you are happy with every aspect before agreeing to meet ups.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 03/10/2025 12:54

That's a shame, to lose a friend.
Maybe her visit will inspire you to clean up the place.

Cafenoisette · 03/10/2025 12:54

Sorry I hadn't seen your last post

AutumnLeeves · 03/10/2025 12:55

I haven’t read all the replies but, why can’t you just say that your house isn’t set up for visitors at the moment and you don’t have a spare room? If she is pushy and says she’ll sleep on the couch, then you can pull the it doesn’t work for us, I’m so sorry 😞 response.

I do think that the friendship has really run its course!

BankfieldForever · 03/10/2025 12:55

Owly11 · 03/10/2025 12:39

This friendship is never going to work. She is pushy and an extrovert and you are an introvert who struggles to say no. You don’t live near each other and never see each other. If it were me I would just call it off this time and say that you will come to see her another time.

Having read more of the thread and thought about it I think this is the reality.

She 100% can’t stay with you OP, but be prepared for her to ‘postpone’ - she won’t be in touch again. I think its probably for the best.

JamieCannister · 03/10/2025 12:56

Ihopeyourehappy · 03/10/2025 11:07

we have been friends for about 5 years and for 4 of those years, I haven’t seen her. She moved to a different city and even though we text and call all the time we have just never met up even though we kept saying we will.

Now we actually are! She has said she will come to Manchester because there’s not a lot to do her end. She’s getting the train, it’s about a 3 hour train ride but it’s not booked yet, we are just sorting out the day and what we will do etc. I asked her if she’s planning on getting the train home in the evening or staying in a hotel and she replied asking if she could stay with me. I feel awful because I feel like it’s rude to say no, when she’s paying to come here and making the journey. However for a couple of different reasons, I just don’t want her to stay. I told her one of the reasons and she has replied with a solution and now I don’t know what to say because I just don’t want her to stay. I’m absolutely awful aren’t I?! I’ve just realised I’m probably a rubbish friend

"I'm really sorry, but having you stay over simply doesn't work for me. Thank you so much for making the effort to come to me, and spending all that money on expensive train tickets - I'll buy lunch and drinks as a thank you! In the alternative I can come to you - so long as there's a cafe and a restaurant and a few shops we'll have plenty to do!"