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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my friend to stay the night when she visits?

295 replies

Ihopeyourehappy · 03/10/2025 11:07

we have been friends for about 5 years and for 4 of those years, I haven’t seen her. She moved to a different city and even though we text and call all the time we have just never met up even though we kept saying we will.

Now we actually are! She has said she will come to Manchester because there’s not a lot to do her end. She’s getting the train, it’s about a 3 hour train ride but it’s not booked yet, we are just sorting out the day and what we will do etc. I asked her if she’s planning on getting the train home in the evening or staying in a hotel and she replied asking if she could stay with me. I feel awful because I feel like it’s rude to say no, when she’s paying to come here and making the journey. However for a couple of different reasons, I just don’t want her to stay. I told her one of the reasons and she has replied with a solution and now I don’t know what to say because I just don’t want her to stay. I’m absolutely awful aren’t I?! I’ve just realised I’m probably a rubbish friend

OP posts:
Curryingfavour · 04/10/2025 21:57

I’ve turned down an invite to go to a friends birthday celebration because although we chat a lot she is nowhere near me .
Getting there would involve over 4 hours on a train with a change .
i wasn’t offered a place to stay ( they do have a spare room) so I couldn’t go , it was all working out to be far too expensive ( 2 nights in a hotel needed )

Greentulipriding · 04/10/2025 22:28

Of course you don't. 3 hours is nothing, some commute this amount daily, 6 hours twice a day. No need to put her up, she can go back or get a room.she s a single person, easily done.
How rude to expect to stay.

Greentulipriding · 04/10/2025 22:31

Why do all you lovely people insist on staying? Especially as clearly it's almost never wanted.
A 6 hour journey once in 5 years is nothing, how do you manage to leave the house or go abroad without expecting being put up every 3 hours.
Who the hell wants to stay in someone's house. What's wrong with you all.

Greentulipriding · 04/10/2025 22:34

Say you have mice living in the sofa to stop the cheeky fuckers in their tracks. Honestly the country it's full of takers. We lost sight of what's normal and not imposing on others.

Greentulipriding · 04/10/2025 22:36

Washingupdone · 03/10/2025 17:05

Your friend will leave hers at 8 am to get to the train station, buy tickets say at least £200 return and travel 3 hours. She will then have lunch and drinks plus tea £50 while she chats with you. Then 4 hours later she catches the train home to get in safely by 7. Expensive chat for her I think.

Yes very normal. Have you never travelled to a museum or theatre or party three hours away. What is wrong with people.

Spinmerightroundbaby · 04/10/2025 22:55

WineBeforeWhine · 03/10/2025 11:11

Why don’t you want her to stay? It would help with replies if you tell us.

Agreed. If this is just one night, I don’t see the issue. And I say this as someone who cannot stand having overnight guests and all the work it brings! It’s a one off and I can see her point regarding travelling so I’d be inclined to suck it up as she’s making the effort to see you. If you don’t, I suspect it will put a strain on the friendship (and understandably so!).

Washingupdone · 04/10/2025 23:05

Greentulipriding · 04/10/2025 22:36

Yes very normal. Have you never travelled to a museum or theatre or party three hours away. What is wrong with people.

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No, theatres, cinemas and exhibitions are close by because I live near a city. However if my friend were to visit me I would have them stay the night if they traveled 3 hours.

Blondeshavemorefun · 04/10/2025 23:55

Glad it’s been solved but poor friend. Or she will be poor lol

train fare. Meal. Drinks. Hotel

she must like you a lot @Ihopeyourehappy

tho why has it been 4yrs since seen each other

have you tried to meet up over the last 4yrs ?

Jumpingthruhoops · 04/10/2025 23:57

Catpiece · 03/10/2025 11:18

Its my home with my rules

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It can be your home, your rules... and also rude!

Endorewitch · 05/10/2025 00:16

She is .aking the effort to travel 6 hrs to visit you and train fares are exoensive.
There is no way you can refuse a good friends request to stay with you when she asks. Whatever you say she will be angry and hurt. She is the one making an effort to seexyou. I cant believe you expected her to go back the same day!!
I have read yoyr reasons and the only solution is to cancel her visit. You dont want her around in the evenings. You dont want her in your house. You cant tell her this. Change the date and meeymt halfway and stay in a hotel.
But not sure this friendship will survive.

Pingu32 · 05/10/2025 00:27

Catpiece · 03/10/2025 11:18

Its my home with my rules

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I'm sure you have lots of 'friends' wishing to visit

shhblackbag · 05/10/2025 00:48

PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat · 03/10/2025 13:55

You want to see her, but on very specific terms (not a full day, not involving an overnight stay, etc etc). Unfortunately, she lives so far away that it's not reasonable to ask her to make a six-hour round trip on those terms.

You are going to have to postpone the trip. Don't let her travel all that way only to find you anxious and resentful.

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This. Imagine travelling 3 hours each way to see someone who doesn't really want to see you deep down. Just tell her you can't do it right now. But get it done before she pays for train tickets.

shhblackbag · 05/10/2025 00:52

Ihopeyourehappy · 04/10/2025 20:58

She replied today yeah, she said she still wants to come and she will get a hotel. I called her and said I feel guilty though but she just said she doesn’t mind as she hasn’t had a trip for ages and wants to come. She lives in her family home with her parents so I think she’s really looking forward to getting away for the night and having some space away from them

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Wow. I guess that's good for you. Expensive chit chat for her. She must be loaded.

Cherryicecreamx · 05/10/2025 01:02

I totally get all your reasons for saying no , plus what another poster said about it being 4 years that you've seen her, you're not particularly close.

Could you suggest meeting half way somewhere? Because I would also feel obliged to host if someone was travelling far specifically to see me. But I honestly don't know why people don't want to retreat back to their own spaces afterwards! And even though she is making the extra expense and trip, I still find it a bit rude to ask to stay rather than waiting to be offered. You want to enjoy finally seeing each other again, not dreading a sleepover!

Cherryicecreamx · 05/10/2025 01:07

Cherryicecreamx · 05/10/2025 01:02

I totally get all your reasons for saying no , plus what another poster said about it being 4 years that you've seen her, you're not particularly close.

Could you suggest meeting half way somewhere? Because I would also feel obliged to host if someone was travelling far specifically to see me. But I honestly don't know why people don't want to retreat back to their own spaces afterwards! And even though she is making the extra expense and trip, I still find it a bit rude to ask to stay rather than waiting to be offered. You want to enjoy finally seeing each other again, not dreading a sleepover!

Just seen your update - pleased she's getting a hotel.

JMSA · 05/10/2025 02:28

So she’s getting a hotel. A zero effort and expense result for you.
She sounds like a lovely person.

Tourmalines · 05/10/2025 02:38

your assumption about wanting space away from her parents for the night is a bit of a far reach . If she wanted to do that, she could just book a hotel in her own hometown without the six hour commute to see you.

Joloman74 · 05/10/2025 03:15

Catpiece · 03/10/2025 11:18

Its my home with my rules

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Can't imagine you having many friends with an attitude like that!

DBD1975 · 05/10/2025 03:21

I get it OP, I am OCD and just the thought of someone travelling to my house by train would send me into overdrive.
I am also a very private person and wouldn't want to share my personal space.
I would be honest with her and tell her your exact reasons as to why you don't want her to stay. If this results in her cancelling I don't think it would be the end of the world.
Don't feel bad, you cannot help how you feel about having your friend to stay.

Itsjustmethatsall · 05/10/2025 03:41

Ihopeyourehappy · 03/10/2025 11:29

Well when we were organising meeting up and coming up with a date, I assumed I would be going to her but I told her it would have to be after Christmas because I simply can’t afford it right now. We are going on holiday next week, then I have family birthdays, house renovations, Christmas, a wedding to save for. I just can’t afford it. So she said she would be happy to come here instead because there’s nothing to do her end anyway.

So we agreed on a date that suited us both and then it dawned on me recently that I should invite her to stay. In different circumstances I wouldn’t mind it at all. And this may sound very trivial to a lot of people so I’m expecting to be slated.

  1. we don’t have a spare room. She would either have to sleep on the couch or in bed with me while DP has the couch. I’m just not someone who is comfortable sharing the bed though. Most nights DP gets on the couch anyway as I don’t get a lot of sleep due to endometriosis pain so when I do manage to get a bit of sleep, his snoring then wakes me up so either me or him will then retreat to the sofa.
  2. due to my issues with sleeping, and naturally being an introvert, I just want to go home at the end of the day and be by myself as I’ll be shattered and drained, instead of carrying the day into the night. I’ve been on holiday with her before and it was torture because she wanted to stay up until 2am and I’m in bed for 10 most nights feeling absolutely shattered. I will dread spending the day socialising and being out and about in town, to then have to come home and stay up with her all night because it will be rude for me to bogg off at 10pm and leave her sat there on her own
  3. the house is a shambles. So much so that I would be embarrassed for anyone to be here and see it. Wardrobes have been ripped out and so there’s piles of clothes everywhere because I don’t have any wardrobes yet (the new ones won’t be in by the time she comes) there’s DPs work tools everywhere and as it’s a small house and we don’t have a garage or a shed, there’s nowhere to put them. I know this is a vain reason tbh and she probably wouldn’t care at all. But there’s absolutely no way on earth I could let her stay in the bedroom with me at the current state it’s in.
Edited

If it was me in your situation, I'd feel exactly the same. Explain all your reasons, just like you have to us, and maybe offer to pay towards a hotel or b & b. If you don't feel comfortable with her staying, you don't feel comfortable, and that's that

Farticus101 · 05/10/2025 04:59

That's lovely of her to come anyway to spend time with you despite the expense.

Just be aware OP, she might really want to make the most of it and may wish to spend more than a few hours in your company having travelled so far, maybe more than you usually would feel comfortable with. She might want to see you the next day too before she heads back home.
I hope you enjoy your time together.

Tagyoureit · 05/10/2025 08:32

GingerPaste · 04/10/2025 21:04

Maybe she can’t easily afford the cost of train tickets, a night out AND a hotel. I should think all that would cost a bomb.

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So then she cant afford to come.

Jack80 · 05/10/2025 08:36

I would let her stay on the sofa and explain the problems with your house before she stays

Cherrytree86 · 05/10/2025 08:51

Greentulipriding · 04/10/2025 22:34

Say you have mice living in the sofa to stop the cheeky fuckers in their tracks. Honestly the country it's full of takers. We lost sight of what's normal and not imposing on others.

@Greentulipriding

chill out mate, some of us actually enjoy socialising and being with our friends.

Cherrytree86 · 05/10/2025 08:53

Also sounds to me like it’s more about having a little mini break type trip away for this friend rather than it being about seeing OP specifically which is good because it doesn’t sound like OP is all that invested in the friendship.