To not want my friend to stay the night when she visits?

[Ihopeyourehappy]

we have been friends for about 5 years and for 4 of those years, I haven’t seen her. She moved to a different city and even though we text and call all the time we have just never met up even though we kept saying we will.

Now we actually are! She has said she will come to Manchester because there’s not a lot to do her end. She’s getting the train, it’s about a 3 hour train ride but it’s not booked yet, we are just sorting out the day and what we will do etc. I asked her if she’s planning on getting the train home in the evening or staying in a hotel and she replied asking if she could stay with me. I feel awful because I feel like it’s rude to say no, when she’s paying to come here and making the journey. However for a couple of different reasons, I just don’t want her to stay. I told her one of the reasons and she has replied with a solution and now I don’t know what to say because I just don’t want her to stay. I’m absolutely awful aren’t I?! I’ve just realised I’m probably a rubbish friend

I think you’re gonna have to just suck it up if you wanna see her , OP. It’s only one night. Ignore people telling you to tell it doesn’t “work” for you - they probably don’t have any mates and are home every Saturday night all cosy “just me and my little family”, so they don’t know. In real life sometimes we have to put ourselves out a bit at times to maintain friendships.

My bad. But the more you post, it seems clear that what has been arranged might be too much, too soon.

it’s not just about her staying overnight, it’s that you’re presumably going to need to spend at least 2 days hosting her and showing her your city, which is much bigger set of plans than your ideal - of a catch up at a restaurant. She might also be expecting you to give her lifts to/from the station, supply toiletries & snacks overnight, breakfast the next day etc.

Is there a midway point, where it makes sense for you both to go home separately afterwards? Maybe start with something smaller before arranging a full Manchester visit.

I cant believe some of the replies on here!!

You dont want anyone staying in your home, thats it, no need for any boundary pushing from anyone! Its your home!

I think its really rude of your friend to come up with a solution to the reason you said no for!! Talk about pushing it! Get the bloody hint!

It sounds like you dont want to meet her at all. You've made it seem a chore. Do her a favour tell her to save her money and stay home.

This @Ihopeyourehappy
it just sounds like it’s all too much trouble for you, and you’d rather just stay home.

@Tagyoureit

but most people are happy to have friends stay over at their home especially when they’ve travelled so far to see you.

Exactly she'd only be staying one night. Understand if it was a week. Op doesn't value this friendship.

You can’t speak on behalf of others.

I live in a desirable area attractive for tourists/holidaymakers and frequently host friends. I have also had “mates” invite themselves to mine, which frankly came across more as them trying to save on costs and putting me out.

As a result, I think carefully about hosting certain friends - it’s certainly not a default and it’s not mandatory to maintain friendships with the right people.

yes I very much want to see her. I wish I was a different type of person but I am anxious, an over thinker, an introvert and plus I have sleep issues so I’m tired a lot of the time (I know, I sound like a catch right?!). I can’t deal with all day events, and always prefer to make day time plans instead of evening ones. We booked our wedding and I was having sleepless nights imagining having to get up early, socialise all day and not be able to leave and go to sleep when I want. We ended up cancelling and are doing something much more low key with less people. So even though I would enjoy seeing her, I wouldn’t enjoy the day as a whole. I would be out walking around manchester knowing that I have to prolong the day by coming back to mine and entertaining and making sure it’s not awkward (her and DP have never met or spoken before, they are literal strangers) etc. I want to see her but I don’t want to make such a huge day out of it. Plus what if it’s an endometriosis flare up day? If I’m in pain all day I just won’t have the mental or physical capacity. I just wanted to meet up, have a bit of food and a natter over some drinks or maybe visit a museum or do a bit of shopping. And then just say goodbye and go home when I can relax and unwind and go to sleep

Why do people on mumsnet always roll this one out. It's incredibly rude to just say this to a friend without any explanation. If a "friend" of mine said this to me, it'd be the last time I bothered with her.

Tell her that it isn't appropriate to stay, with your house so small and DH having to sleep on the sofa..

Don't back down; you are allowed to not want a house guest.

Save up and offer to pay for her to stay at a hotel near the train.

Of course OP doesn’t hugely value the friendship, neither does the friend, given they are barely friends. They haven’t seen each other in 4 years and prior to that knew each other for 1 year. That’s not indicative of a close friendship.

And some are not. 🤷‍♀️

The OP said this didnt work for her and friend dismissed it, thats rude.

Just say, “sorry friend, house is a bit of a shit tip at the minute to have anyone stay. Why don’t I come to you instead and we can catch up at yours?”

@Ihopeyourehappy it’s not fair on your partner either, having someone you’ve never met stay over when you already don’t have the room and are in the middle of renovations. The only person this benefits is her, so she can save the cost of a hotel.

It's just one night, I think you have to do it.

I refer to my first post. Op should tell her to stay home.

Always LOL at these kind of comments. Who actually speaks to their friends like this?
MN and friendship threads are always so far removed from what actually happens in real life meaningful relationships. I often wonder if some of the posters actually have the experience to comment.

I think it's fine to not have her stay with you. I would just say "The house is really not ready for guests, sorry." Then offer solutions (cheap hotel, can you pay a contribution?) etc. If she keeps pushing to stay, just repeat that the house isn't currently suitable for guests.

She is travelling 6 hours to see you, which represents significant inconvenience and cost. She has tried to accommodate you by funding that journey as you told have her that money is tight and you would not be able to afford the travel expenses to visit her. Despite the obvious fatigue that she would suffer by travelling 6 hours in a day, you informed her that she could not stay at your home overnight as you had no guest bedroom, and she accommodated that request by offering to sleep on the sofa. She has done everything she can to make this happen.

Perhaps it is time to realise that you are not willing to invest in this friendship and that you are only prepared to see her if it represents a low effort afternoon's entertainment. There is a reason why you have not met up for 4 years.

With that in mind, you both clearly value your friendship differently. The decent thing to do now is to step back from this appointment with grace. Perhaps tell her that your husband has to go away that weekend with work and that you will have to have the kids.

Life happens, people change. You can re-establish low effort comms after the dust settles.

Come on, it’s one night, just get on with it!
I’m an introvert and like you I value my down time when coming home after socialising, but in this case, and keeping in mind it is 1 person only and 1 night, I would make the effort.

Be up front with her about the state if the place and then you've at least warned her that it won't be that comfortable and then it's up to her.

I think too many posters are fixated on trying to make this person staying over work…when it just sounds like they need just to reel in the plans. Especially if it’s causing OP a lot of worry and anxiety as per their last post, OP clearly seems uncomfortable. I don’t think think
”sticking it out” is the right approach under these circumstances. Especially as it’s not a close friend.

Why is money a barrier to going to see her. You are willing to contribute to her staying in hotel, but can't afford a three hour journey? That doesn't really make sense...

Can't you just tell her you’re not able to offer her a bed and she can’t have the couch because of your house renovations? And then say you’ll understand if she’d prefer to cancel.

I think pushing it to stay at yours when you said no is pretty rude. And I don’t think you should be the one paying for her hotel room either WTF? I can’t imagine ever inviting myself over to a friend’s town and then telling her she should be putting me up or paying for my hotel.