To not want my friend to stay the night when she visits?

[Ihopeyourehappy]

we have been friends for about 5 years and for 4 of those years, I haven’t seen her. She moved to a different city and even though we text and call all the time we have just never met up even though we kept saying we will.

Now we actually are! She has said she will come to Manchester because there’s not a lot to do her end. She’s getting the train, it’s about a 3 hour train ride but it’s not booked yet, we are just sorting out the day and what we will do etc. I asked her if she’s planning on getting the train home in the evening or staying in a hotel and she replied asking if she could stay with me. I feel awful because I feel like it’s rude to say no, when she’s paying to come here and making the journey. However for a couple of different reasons, I just don’t want her to stay. I told her one of the reasons and she has replied with a solution and now I don’t know what to say because I just don’t want her to stay. I’m absolutely awful aren’t I?! I’ve just realised I’m probably a rubbish friend

I would offer to pay but the only reason she is coming to me is because I said we can meet but I don’t know when because I don’t have any spare cash at all at the moment so would have to be after Christmas, and she said she wanted to meet sooner than that and she can afford to come to me. I have just messaged her now anyway to explain and say can we postpone to when I have the money to either come to her/meet in the middle/ or pay half of her expenses coming here. It doesn’t feel right not offering any money, but I don’t have any so we will just have to cancel and rearrange when I can contribute

I don't think you're being unreasonable, nor that you should pay for a hotel for her. I think the reasons you've given are valid, particularly given that you don't live alone. I would accept those reasons from a friend. She can come & see you on the understanding that if she stays over she'll have to sort the accommodation.

Just tell her the truth as in your reply above. If she were nearer, you could meet her for lunch and the afternoon, but she’s so far away. Little point in her coming to your house if there is nowhere for her to sleep and you want to be in bed early. If she really wants a break from where she lives, just tell her the truth, suggest she stays in a b&b or premier inn , meet her for an early dinner then go home. You could meet up again the next day and go round the shops or visit a gallery or something. Problem solved!

Split a hotel room together or suck it up for one night.
Put the piles of clothes in your bedroom and make the lounge clean with bedding ready on the sofa
Plan a takeaway, movie and chill and find the positivity in a friend coming to spend time with you.
You could ask if DP could stay out later with his mates to give you some time to catch up

Otherwise if you drive then I would be meeting halfway for lunch and dinner somewhere nice that she can easily get the train to

I understand your reasons for not wanting her to stay, but I do think you're being unreasonable by feeding your friend with a drip drip drip of excuses, rather than the whole picture.
As far as your friend is aware, the only reason you don't want her to stay is because you don't have a spare room.
Be honest about ALL your reasons for not wanting her to stay and pay for her hotel room instead.

You've done the right thing OP, at least you are facing up to it and telling her she can't stay.

I am the same as you - can't cope with socialising all day and then having that person stay at my house. I need my space and just can't sustain that level of being 'switched on'. I have zero social stamina!

Tell her the truth and put her up in a hotel!

The clothes are already in my room. It’s other bits and bobs that are downstairs. Bits of materials to make the wardrobes with (DP is a joiner and will be doing it himself so he brings things home and then they just end up lying around the house for weeks or months until he gets around to doing it or we can afford timber for the rest of it) we have a new sink for the kitchen that’s just chilling in the dining room.. honestly there’s just shit everywhere it’s overwhelming and gives me anxiety at the best times, being in such a disorganised house, without bringing someone else into it.

I would get her a blow up bed, no one would be able to sleep in the sofa. There’s two 2 seater sofas so it’s not long enough to start but it’s also incredibly uncomfortable

Seems that the real problem is the dynamics in your relationship. You don’t seem to be able to be honest with her, or how to say no without her getting “arsey”. And she should not be getting “arsey” with you saying no.

why are you friends with her? What does she really bring to your life?

Honestly, I would tell her you're not ok with her having the couch. I think you might be an over explainer/thinker so just tell her you don't have the room and don't get drawn into it. Her version makes a day out into a two day event so I completely get where you're coming from - it's not what you're up for. Just make sure you reciprocate and stay in a hotel near her next time - or you could pay for the hotel for you both to stay in if you meet up in the future.

Be firm and don't feel you need to make her see it your way. And if she has a huff then that's on her - not you. Stick to your boundaries - you've got good reason for them and they don't have to be universally acceptable...they're your reasons so be confident in them.

Next time this sort of thing happens, never give the visitor any details!…
(my house is worse than if a bomb hit it, permanently! …..i put it down to my ADD!)

Afraid it’d be best for you to cancel the whole thing. Chances are the stress of ‘performing’ during the whole days ‘outing’, could easily bring on a bout of you feeling very poorly & you don’t need that just before your holiday?
Be gentle on yourself & find a way of telling friend you simply cannot do it for now?

Hi OP,

I'm the same as you. I need my own space too.

I think if she's "getting arsey" with you, then that's a bit of a red flag.

It's totally fine that you need your own space.

Sometimes a friendship that works well at a distance can be difficult to tranfer to working face-2-face too, and that's okay. If she's a good friend, then she should understand that.

I think you need to find a compromise : she is staying in your couch but after coming back you have a drink to relax ( tea, decaf coffee, herbal tea, one glass of wine) and you are off to bed saying sorry that you are really shattered and then you have a bit of reading at your bedroom to relax. No need to stay up until 2 am.

In the future bear in mind that if someone coming to your town they might ask to stay the night and if you say that you don’t have a spare room only a couch a lot of people will say that they are happy with a couch.

I get you OP, we have plenty of space to host but honestly I hate people staying over, after a day of childcare and simultaneously looking after/entertaining a guest, I am so bloody tired I just want to be quiet for a bit and go to bed at a reasonable hour.

I love seeing friends in the daytime but I hate having to sit up and chat, cook them dinner then wash up everything, especially after I've finally put DC to bed and just want to collapse.

I would say unfortunately we're having a lot of work done atm and the house is a big mess, I'm happy to meet halfway for lunch? She can't really argue with that.

YANBU. I wouldn't explain further, I would just say "I'm really sorry but it wont work having you stay over. This is why I felt it was best to wait until I could afford to come to you, or until I could afford to pay for a hotel room for you. Maybe we should reschedule?"

If she gets arsey then thats on her!

I’m going to go against the grain a bit here - if you do actually want to see her, why not put on your big girl pants and just get on with it? She can have the couch and just put up with a bit of mess. I do understand the shame you feel (I’m having house renovations and hate property coming round unless they’re very close friends) but I’ve just accepted that it’s a mess and if they’re decent human beings they’ll understand (particularly if they’ve invited themselves over!)

From her point of view, it’s pretty unreasonable to expect her to make a six-hour round trip in one day or pay for a a hotel just because you don’t feel like hosting.

i do get wanting to decompress after a day of socialising but you can just say that you go to bed early! She’ll understand (she’ll have to!)

it’s like “No is a complete sentence”

SOOOOO rude!

You don’t have room for her. I think it was unreasonable for her to say she’d take the sofa after you said no to her staying. Its up to you whether guests (that your partner doesn’t know?) sleep on your sofa. I wouldn’t allow it.

I’d repeat that you don’t have a room for her and simply say that sleeping on the sofa is not an option. You don’t have to go into details about your health, domestic arrangements or the mess, just say you’re sorry but you can’t have guests at the moment. Stand firm.

She should get a hotel room and pay for it herself, or travel back home in the evening.

When I’m in her/your situation the one travelling books a hotel room and we just go out for the day (not invited back to the house at all) or we meet halfway and both stay in the hotel.

I get it OP. You just want to retreat to your own space after socialising.
It sounds like you wouldn’t enjoy any of it.

So you need a rethink. Good idea to postpone until you can meet half way and just do do lunch. If she gets arsey then she isn’t a true friend and just distance yourself.

Yeah, sorry OP but it's pretty shit you couldn't put up with someone on your couch for 1 measly night when they're making all the effort to come visit

But your husband needs the couch, so just explain.

The Travelodge on Bridge Street is about £40 a night, get her booked in there and either pay half or all of it.

I actually think she's a bit cheeky to push it after you've given her a very good reason for her not to stay! Personally I wouldn't have asked you in the first place, I'd have waited to be invited and booked a room in a premier inn or something if you didn't mention anything. Especially if I hadn't seen you for four years!

Do you actually want to see her?

Why on earth aren't you just meeting half way? So you both have a 90 minute journey (each way) and you can see if you actually still have nice time together. Totally fair on both of you. Meet half way for lunch and a walk?

That's what I was wondering - it really doesn't sound like it (which is fine) but why bother at all?