To not want my friend to stay the night when she visits?

[Ihopeyourehappy]

we have been friends for about 5 years and for 4 of those years, I haven’t seen her. She moved to a different city and even though we text and call all the time we have just never met up even though we kept saying we will.

Now we actually are! She has said she will come to Manchester because there’s not a lot to do her end. She’s getting the train, it’s about a 3 hour train ride but it’s not booked yet, we are just sorting out the day and what we will do etc. I asked her if she’s planning on getting the train home in the evening or staying in a hotel and she replied asking if she could stay with me. I feel awful because I feel like it’s rude to say no, when she’s paying to come here and making the journey. However for a couple of different reasons, I just don’t want her to stay. I told her one of the reasons and she has replied with a solution and now I don’t know what to say because I just don’t want her to stay. I’m absolutely awful aren’t I?! I’ve just realised I’m probably a rubbish friend

I would do this and this tackle the house and get things sorted, as it sounds like this is the major problem and is limiting the OP's life.

I agree and to me it is is the other way around, in the past you definitely would offer you friend to stay after this expense and travel, it wasn't a big deal, not many people would expect you to stay in a hotel particularly if you lived with your parents as doesn't sound like the friend has much money going spare for all of that!

This! I feel totally the same and think lunch is a great idea, at a halfway location

Edited to say I have just read the OP’s update, glad it has been resolved

Yes of course, I don’t only want to spend a few hours with her like some people are saying. We will make a day out of it. I will go and meet her and we will have the full day. It’s not that I don’t want to spend time with her, it’s that I don’t want her to stay over

Great OP I'm delighted it's worked out. I hope you have a lovely time.

OP, I’ll go against the grain: she said she had other things to do in the area, she’s not just travelling to visit you. I’d not push the ‘stay at your house’ agenda in that case. I’d totally just airbnb it, unless you offered.
I’d just tell her that you can’t have her overnight. I can’t advise you on the wording.
(I’d also bet my had on your next thread title: AIBU to be pissed off - friend visited, didn’t even bring a box of chocolates, used my place as a hotel and left after a half an hour obligatory chat).

Unlikely as friend is now staying in a hotel if you had read all of op posts

If I was the friend I would just cancel the trip and probably the friendship

Quite!
Easy to give such advise but this is a real person, making a big effort to meet up.

It's like talking to anyone service person who's trying to book you in for an appointment.

huh????? Where does it say she said she had other things to do in the area ? She was strictly coming for OP .
And she still is but she has booked herself a hotel, if you had read the updated posts you would
have seen . So I wonder if Op will buy her a box of chocolates for travelling six hours there and back just to see her .

6 hours travel and you can’t have her to stay. Personally if I was the friend this would be the end of the friendship. All your reasons are just excuses. It’s one night not a month. And you need to sort out your anxiety and the mess you live in if it’s really as bad as you say.
But you also need to manage her expectations too. Because if she’s expecting it to be a party it’s clearly not going to be.

Say the house is a tip and there no spare room but youve booked a twin bedded room in a local hotel as a treat for you both. If she talks into the small hours youll have to suck that up. OR drop the friendship.

Maybe better if she doesnt come to visit. You could later meet hakf way in a hotel
No way will she understand that after making the effort and travelking 3hrs on an expensive train journey ,or driving as the case may be,that you dont want her to stay!
Is she expected to spend much of the evening alone?
Sorry. I would not understand at all if i was her. I would be very hurt and angry.

I don't understand why you wouldn't offer her a bed for the night. Surely you'd then have a lovely evening together too and therefore spend more time catching up. There's a reason surely for not doing this, otherwise it's not being very kind. Other suggestions I understand about paying for hotel accommodation but she'll be on her own
Odd.

Write her a nice card and use this as a chance to be a friend by sharing with her that you are an introvert type of gal and you have to switch off and be alone with just your nearest and dearest. Don't have to mention pain, couches or the tip you are in cos that's not the deepest thing in my opinion in terms of really worthwhile to share this about you with your friend.alsobadf 'at this point in my life's just in case u get into a future scenario of putting up another friend. Or you could just say you will visit next time and you would prefer stay in hotel than share space in her home. Then just plead with her not to take it personally as you are looking forward to seeing her so much etc. let's face it u rva married lady and your home is your boundary line for your own personal reasons you were last in touch years ago and in this day and age one cannot be too careful.

Totally get you. It would be my worst nightmare unless it was someone I was in a relationship with. I need my alone time and I'd be up every five minutes checking my pets were ok.

I remember years ago a friend of mine from Sweden was coming to Ireland to visit, but she was visiting the Republic. I live north of the border, so a good 2 hours away. I don't have the space. She made a big deal of telling me she couldn't understand why I wouldn't put her and her sister up, even though I don't have the room and was at work every day - there was no way I'd be leaving her in the house with my pets.

She still didn't get it and seemed to think that because I live in the country of Ireland and she was visiting over 2 hours away that it was my duty as someone of the country she happened to be visiting to accomodate her. We're ok but I've never quite gotten over the insanity of her reaction. Ireland is small, but I felt like saying 'well next time I fly to Finland, it's up to you to put me up in Sweden!!'

@YourBrickTiger

“and I'd be up every five minutes checking my pets were ok”

why??

@YourBrickTiger

do you think your friend would abuse your pets or something?

Oh they are indoor cats. All it takes is for a door to be left open!

No no! She smokes and they are indoor. If she let one of them out - end of her. The friendship of course. Not really. Her.