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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my friend to stay the night when she visits?

295 replies

Ihopeyourehappy · 03/10/2025 11:07

we have been friends for about 5 years and for 4 of those years, I haven’t seen her. She moved to a different city and even though we text and call all the time we have just never met up even though we kept saying we will.

Now we actually are! She has said she will come to Manchester because there’s not a lot to do her end. She’s getting the train, it’s about a 3 hour train ride but it’s not booked yet, we are just sorting out the day and what we will do etc. I asked her if she’s planning on getting the train home in the evening or staying in a hotel and she replied asking if she could stay with me. I feel awful because I feel like it’s rude to say no, when she’s paying to come here and making the journey. However for a couple of different reasons, I just don’t want her to stay. I told her one of the reasons and she has replied with a solution and now I don’t know what to say because I just don’t want her to stay. I’m absolutely awful aren’t I?! I’ve just realised I’m probably a rubbish friend

OP posts:
WetWashingWoes · 03/10/2025 12:59

Isn’t it just simple. You haven’t got space. The sofa is used by the two people living there if they get woken up. You simply don’t have room.

I wouldn’t want my sofa used for sleeping in anyway. And I totally get that need to
just switch off at the end of the night.

you don’t need to justify it. It’s a no. End of.

she can choose to come and book an hotel or postpone until you can meet half way or go to hers.

RandomMess · 03/10/2025 13:02

I think you just say, “I think we want different things and I’m too stressed to host anyone at the moment. I would love us to meet half way and catch up for a meal and leisurely meal. It will have to be in X month though when I can afford it”

CheeseyOnionPie · 03/10/2025 13:03

Catpiece · 03/10/2025 11:14

“No, that doesn’t work for me/us” should be all you need to say.

Doing this would bring shame on my entire ancestral line, but I guess that’s just how you were raised.

JenXWarrior · 03/10/2025 13:05

OP will not have money to meet until 2026 and has no suitable space for a guest. The friend has countered OP's obstacles (to her frustration) by offering to travel to her and to sleep on the couch.

She didn't do this to annoy OP. She did it because she mistakenly believes OP wants to meet up. She doesn't know OP's bitching online about having to talk to her for a while after doing the dishes in the evening.

OP, you can't do all day and you don't seem like you want to do all evening either. Just cancel. Please don't let her waste money (that you weren't prepared to spend) on something you don't even want to do. Poor woman.

Kerrisk · 03/10/2025 13:07

CheeseyOnionPie · 03/10/2025 13:03

Doing this would bring shame on my entire ancestral line, but I guess that’s just how you were raised.

Show quote history

I was raised exactly the same way, but fortunately I grew out of the idea that you can never refuse hospitality, whatever the circumstances, around the same time I grew out of believing I had a guardian angel.

sesquipedalian · 03/10/2025 13:08

OP, why not just be honest - “My house is a bomb site and I’d feel really embarrassed and uncomfortable if you were to stay here”? I don’t think a three hour journey each way is all that, especially not for an occasional visit - I’ve done it many a time. The only reason to sleep over is if you’re doing something that goes on late into the evening - I’d say to her, “Come for lunch, we’ll have something together at about five and then you can catch your train home at six so you won’t be too late back.” It is an imposition to ask to stay, and if you have already demurred, she is rude to try to insist.

MidnightMeltdown · 03/10/2025 13:08

I think YABU. It’s one night, you’re not hosting her for a month.

westforland · 03/10/2025 13:11

Would it not be easier to just meet up half way and take the 3 hours / overnight out of it?

Me and my friend live 3 hours apart. We agree on a date and both travel the 1.5hrs (less if use the train) to a big town for late morning. Have a nice lunch and catch up. Walk around the shops. Afternoon coffee and cake. Back on the train by early evening. Perfect amount of contact and not so far it requires an overnight.

JenXWarrior · 03/10/2025 13:12

netflixfan · 03/10/2025 12:00

Just tell her the truth as in your reply above. If she were nearer, you could meet her for lunch and the afternoon, but she’s so far away. Little point in her coming to your house if there is nowhere for her to sleep and you want to be in bed early. If she really wants a break from where she lives, just tell her the truth, suggest she stays in a b&b or premier inn , meet her for an early dinner then go home. You could meet up again the next day and go round the shops or visit a gallery or something. Problem solved!

OP doesn't want the problem solved....

Differentforgirls · 03/10/2025 13:13

ChangingWeight · 03/10/2025 12:25

Of course OP doesn’t hugely value the friendship, neither does the friend, given they are barely friends. They haven’t seen each other in 4 years and prior to that knew each other for 1 year. That’s not indicative of a close friendship.

Show quote history

They speak every week.

Henbags · 03/10/2025 13:19

If it's only one night, just suck it up.

middleagedandinarage · 03/10/2025 13:24

Ihopeyourehappy · 03/10/2025 11:47

I do sleep with ear plugs anyway but they don’t have a high enough decibel coverage for the snoring haha. Yes I could put up with it for 1 night, it’s just a combination of all of my reasons that are giving me anxiety about the day/night and making me dread it. I would want it all to just hurry up and be over with. It’s just the kind of person I am, I’m miserable and always have been

Show quote history

No help but I totally get this and would also hate the idea of friend staying over, even thought I know it's unreasonable. I do think when she's going to sit on the train for 6 hours to see you though you might just have to suck it up for 1 night! You haven't seen her for 4 years so not like it's going to happen again in a hurry.
Other option, could you not meet in the middle so you both have a 1.5 hour train journey each way and then both can go home at night again?

Differentforgirls · 03/10/2025 13:24

EmeraldShamrock000 · 03/10/2025 12:54

That's a shame, to lose a friend.
Maybe her visit will inspire you to clean up the place.

No need.

Jenkibuble · 03/10/2025 13:25

Ihopeyourehappy · 03/10/2025 11:29

Well when we were organising meeting up and coming up with a date, I assumed I would be going to her but I told her it would have to be after Christmas because I simply can’t afford it right now. We are going on holiday next week, then I have family birthdays, house renovations, Christmas, a wedding to save for. I just can’t afford it. So she said she would be happy to come here instead because there’s nothing to do her end anyway.

So we agreed on a date that suited us both and then it dawned on me recently that I should invite her to stay. In different circumstances I wouldn’t mind it at all. And this may sound very trivial to a lot of people so I’m expecting to be slated.

  1. we don’t have a spare room. She would either have to sleep on the couch or in bed with me while DP has the couch. I’m just not someone who is comfortable sharing the bed though. Most nights DP gets on the couch anyway as I don’t get a lot of sleep due to endometriosis pain so when I do manage to get a bit of sleep, his snoring then wakes me up so either me or him will then retreat to the sofa.
  2. due to my issues with sleeping, and naturally being an introvert, I just want to go home at the end of the day and be by myself as I’ll be shattered and drained, instead of carrying the day into the night. I’ve been on holiday with her before and it was torture because she wanted to stay up until 2am and I’m in bed for 10 most nights feeling absolutely shattered. I will dread spending the day socialising and being out and about in town, to then have to come home and stay up with her all night because it will be rude for me to bogg off at 10pm and leave her sat there on her own
  3. the house is a shambles. So much so that I would be embarrassed for anyone to be here and see it. Wardrobes have been ripped out and so there’s piles of clothes everywhere because I don’t have any wardrobes yet (the new ones won’t be in by the time she comes) there’s DPs work tools everywhere and as it’s a small house and we don’t have a garage or a shed, there’s nowhere to put them. I know this is a vain reason tbh and she probably wouldn’t care at all. But there’s absolutely no way on earth I could let her stay in the bedroom with me at the current state it’s in.
Edited

I think a good friend should / would accept that you prefer an early night / not 2am

Equally, they wouln't judge your living quarters and accept a sofa is OK

In her defence, if I was travelling 3 hours I would think a night isn't too much to sacrifice.

Is meeting at a neutral location an option ? Halfway?

dottiedodah · 03/10/2025 13:27

I understand your reasons.However for a nice catch up. what about meeting in Manchester ,and both staying in a Travelodge/premier Inn maybe? Rooms are relatively cheap / easy to get, and a small room each would help you relax .Alternatively maybe just see if you could make it early next year when more suitable for you.

wfhwfh · 03/10/2025 13:29

I understand how you feel.

My personal view is - if you don’t have a spare room - you don’t have room for guests. A sofa is not for sleeping on.

I would just reply saying you are sorry but you don’t have a spare room. If she relies saying she’ll sleep on the sofa, I’d just say that your lounge isn’t ever used as a sleeping area.

I don’t think this is unreasonable. You live with your partner in a 1-bedroomed place. Yes, some people might be ok with a guest sleeping on their sofa but others wouldn’t. You aren’t - and that is fine.

i wouldn’t over explain - I’d just focus on coming up with alternative options (that don’t involve her staying over) to show that you do truly want to meet.

Winter2020 · 03/10/2025 13:30

She is clearly not a priority for you. One of the reasons you don't have money is saving for a wedding. Your wedding? If so that's thousands? If she was a priority you would be able to meet in the middle and share the cost of a premier inn surely. You won't ever have the money to meet her as everything else in your life is more important. Just tell her that you don't want her to stay and be done with it.

Imbrocator · 03/10/2025 13:32

There are some odd replies on here! If you have a good friendship then just say what you’ve said here. Your three reasons seem reasonable enough for me.

It’s fair of her to want to stay, but it’s also fair of you to say you can’t host for these reasons. If she wants to delay the visit that’s fine. A good friend will understand, and be able to relay her disappointment at not being able to stay in a nice way. Likewise you should feel comfortable enough to explain about the pain/stress/anxiety to her without feeling like you’ll be judged or held accountable for it.

Just try to make it clear that you really do want to see her, and that these aren’t excuses so that she doesn’t come away feeling hurt or like you’re finding reasons to avoid seeing her.

Worriedalltheday · 03/10/2025 13:34

How on earth do you speak to her every single week and don’t consider her a very close friend? You are very weird

AltitudeCheck · 03/10/2025 13:35

If she knew you in Manchester in year 1 of your friendship does she have anyone she could visit while she's here and perhaps stay with them and meet you for a few hours?

Does she have friends where she's moved to? I'm wondering why she's willing to make such an effort to see you now after 4 years have gone by?

usedtobeaylis · 03/10/2025 13:36

You sound absolutely riddled with anxiety. It doesn't sound like you're in any frame of mind to meeting up.

828Pax · 03/10/2025 13:39

I really don't like having people to stay, I don't know why but I think it just makes me uncomfortable no matter who it is!

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 03/10/2025 13:39

Ihopeyourehappy · 03/10/2025 12:50

I understand the people saying “but she is travelling a long way” and “she values this more than you” etc but I think that’s very unfair. I have already explained that I am more than willing to travel to her or meet in the middle or pay for a hotel room for either her or both of us WHEN I CAN AFFORD TO. I explained to her we can’t meet until the new year because I won’t have money until then. She is the one pushing to meet at a time that is a financial struggle for me. She has decided that she would rather pay for her trains and do a 6 hour trip rather than wait a few months when we can make a more fair arrangement. I am not forcing her to do this.

Edited

Well then she can also pay for a hotel in that case.

You had an excellent suggestion up thread. The sofa is only a two seater and due to the ongoing DIY work and materials everywhere the house is a health hazard and will be until the middle of next year.

You realise that it's not possible for her to stay with you. It's a big ask for her to do the travel and a hotel too so on balance it would be better to meet half way.
My only question is whether half way train tickets would be a similar cost to a room in a premier inn.

KK1983 · 03/10/2025 13:39

I get where you're coming from regarding wanting space after a social situation but it's just one night and you've not saw her for 4 years. I'd be honest with her and be like - "I'm really looking forward to seeing you but I I feel bad you'll be living in my messy house when it's up in the air but as long as you're ok with the sofa for the night" and if she's any kind of friend she wont be bothered. Then you can go out for breakfast the next day and send her on her merry way. It sounds like she really wants to see you if she's prepared to travel 3hrs.

That's just me though.

Onetimeusername1 · 03/10/2025 13:40

I think there are only two sensible options here; you go to see her during the day at her location and (presumably she has invited you to) stay at hers or you get a hotel at night. Or. She comes to Manchester later on in the day. Say, arrives at 3pm to do gallery or shopping, dinner and drinks and stays on your sofa understanding you will be going to bed at 10pm. If 7 hours of entertaining is too much, move it to a 5pm meet up and she can arrive in Manchester earlier and do galleries alone. Would that work?

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