To not want my friend to stay the night when she visits?

[Ihopeyourehappy]

we have been friends for about 5 years and for 4 of those years, I haven’t seen her. She moved to a different city and even though we text and call all the time we have just never met up even though we kept saying we will.

Now we actually are! She has said she will come to Manchester because there’s not a lot to do her end. She’s getting the train, it’s about a 3 hour train ride but it’s not booked yet, we are just sorting out the day and what we will do etc. I asked her if she’s planning on getting the train home in the evening or staying in a hotel and she replied asking if she could stay with me. I feel awful because I feel like it’s rude to say no, when she’s paying to come here and making the journey. However for a couple of different reasons, I just don’t want her to stay. I told her one of the reasons and she has replied with a solution and now I don’t know what to say because I just don’t want her to stay. I’m absolutely awful aren’t I?! I’ve just realised I’m probably a rubbish friend

Just seen update, what was the issue she offered a solution to? It sounds like you actually don't have anywhere for her to sleep though so I think that's fair enough really.

Could you both share a room in a Premier Inn or similar and split the cost? I don't blame you not wanting her to stay, it can be awkward especially if you don't live alone and partner doesn't know her well, together with all the other stuff going on.

She isn’t coming to mine during the day. We will be out and about in manchester so I won’t need to feed her

The solution was that I said I didn’t have a spare room and she said she would have the couch. I have posted my other reasons above though

I understand your reasons now that you've explained more. In that case I think you should offer to pay for her hotel room, or at least offer half the cost.

While I understand your reluctance, it is just one night, and if she is a close friend, none of your reasons should matter to her. I'm sure she isn't going to judge you for the state of your house, or be upset you went to bed at 10 (you might even want to stay up a bit chatting with her when it comes down to it). I guess as others have said it ultimately depends on how much this friendship means to you. She will need to stay somewhere for the night as 6 hours in a day is a lot, and hotel rooms are not cheap. If you don't have her to stay - she will basically be bearing all the costs of keeping your friendship alive which seems unfair.

It was that I don’t have a room for her but she said she’s fine with the couch

The other solution though is to just postpone the visit until I have money to pay for a hotel for a her, or until the house is a bit more sorted and I feel comfortable with it. However this was planned back in August and when I said I’m not free until October I said but it’s ok it’s not too far away and she said “it is though.. it’s ages away” and got a bit huffy with me so I know if I try to push it back even more she’s going to be arsey

I think this may be one of those suck up the inconvenience to have a nice time occasions. If you can manage the bed situation. Set expectations around staying out late and give her the sofa and you and DP cope for the night. It's not ideal, but if there's not loads of spare cash sloshing around what else can you do? It's that or not have the weekend. I find it frustrating when people airily say, 'Just get a hotel room'. That takes things into much more considered purchase territory - meals and travel are pricey enough already!

Can you use ear plugs for the snoring for one night?

Completely agree. It's so cold, the 'it doesn't work'. Obviously there are times when you go grey rock, but these are two friends! Not someone managing an abusive relationship. I find it depressing when people advise people not to talk to each other like grown ups.

Offer her the couch. Explain you’re in the middle of refurbishing the house so it’s in a mess. Just think of it as one night you need to get through and even if you’re up late you can recover over the next couple of days.

I do sleep with ear plugs anyway but they don’t have a high enough decibel coverage for the snoring haha. Yes I could put up with it for 1 night, it’s just a combination of all of my reasons that are giving me anxiety about the day/night and making me dread it. I would want it all to just hurry up and be over with. It’s just the kind of person I am, I’m miserable and always have been

Sorry but this woman isn’t your best friend, or should I say she doesn’t see you as her best friends so the feeling isn’t mutual. For 80% of the 5 years you’ve known each other, you have never met up? That indicates acquaintances especially if you kept saying you’ll meet up throughout that.

Obviously she can’t stay at yours if you’re not comfortable, she shouldn’t have invited herself. But this is an example of what I meant above, your best friend wouldn’t invite themselves and they wouldn’t push after you said no.

Frankly if I haven’t seen someone in 4 years, I’m not going to start rekindling the relationship by hosting them at mine for a sleepover. What if you see her in person, the vibe isn’t right, but you have no choice but to keep entertaining her for the rest of the night? You need an “out”.

I would feel exactly the same as you - I like to have at least half an hour at the end of the day when it's just me and DH and if there's someone on the couch that's not going to happen.

Tell her you have talked to DH and he things that at that point in the renovations you and he might both be on the couch anyway so there is no way there is anywhere for an extra body. Be really firm about not being able to have her to stay so that she can't find a solution for you.

I can see why you feel this way but tbh I agree with pps. You need to tell her the truth - say of course you're welcome to the couch, but I know it's not that comfy (even if it is) and I just feel bad. Tell her you're up and down a lot with pain at night and would worry about disturbing her if she was in with you. At least then whatever you decide she won't think you just can't be bothered to put yourself out.

Plus, if a friend of mine just kept parroting "that won't work for us" without any explanation, I'd assume she was trying to get rid of me and would stop making any effort to remain friends. It's spectacularly rude and the opposite of what a close friendship should be like imho.

Same, I've never heard anyone say it irl. I've always just assumed it's an MN fabrication.

I would explain the sleeping issues to your friend - your medical issue, need for space and need for your own room / not bed sharing. Tell her you have no spare room, and you and DH already sleep separately so there is no couch. If you don't want her to stay and you can't afford to help with a hotel room, then just say that - "I'm so sorry friend, but because of the reasons above it's not possible for you to stay here. I totally understand if you want to cancel as I know you're already doing a long trip. When I'm in a better position financially I am more than happy to come to you. I hope you understand and i would really still love to see you".

If you actually decided you did want to accommodate her, could you get a cheap air bed for one of you? Then you can just be up front about wanting to ensure you get to bed at a reasonable time. You can tell her on the day, you didn't have a great night sleep last night so you don't want to appear rude, but you'll be turning in by 10pm, but feel free to stay up without me / watch TV etc downstairs. And you can have a great catch up at breakfast or whatever.

Or could DH stay out with a mate or something for the night so the sofa is free?

We aren’t best friends, I never said we were?

But yes you’re right… I have also been thinking what if it’s awkward?? I only knew her for a year before she moved away. We speak every single week though. We have spoken on a weekly basis for the past 4 years so we haven’t drifted apart but it’s different than being in person. Ideally I would love to go out and catch up over some food and drinks and then just go home! Which is why I’d prefer to go to her end and spend the money myself because I’m the one not comfortable so I should be the one paying

Just be really honest about it. You can say something like

"Hey friend. As much as I'd love to you stay, and I'm really looking forward to seeing you, i just don't think staying with us will work. I have some health problems which often means my husband ends up on the couch to allow me to sleep, and if he can't do this on Saturday then it will cause me issues during the night. I'm really sorry, and hope you are still keen to come if you can stay elsewhere..."

Or something like that. It's a completely reasonable ask. And she's clearly not good at reading the room!

If this were me intending to travel 3 hours away, it certainly wouldn't be a problem, as I'd cancel the visit.
The only acceptable thing to me would be if you paid the total amount of a hotel room for me, and fed me at your expense.

In fact you can scrap the bit about loving her to stay. You can just say as much you're looking forward to seeing her... Else she'll keep coming up with solutions!

100%. I actually agree with you re people staying or sleeping in the same bed as people - I hate that! I love going back to my house, on my own after a day of socialising. However, I do feel this is a suck it up situation, you got yourself into this. You have allowed her to plan a trip a few hours away from her home…I’m presuming without initially planning somewhere for her to stay? It’s actually quite reasonable for her to think she would stay the night with you considering the journey and lack of hotel discussion. So you either need to pay for a hotel for her or a train home and just plan a lunch - and be honest.

Can you both afford to stay in a hotel for the night, make more of an event out of it? Although personally in that case I would be insisting on separate rooms. I wouldn't share a bedroom with anyone other than my DH.

Can your husband stay with a mate? Then she could sleep on the sofa and you'd get your bed to yourself.

I think it’s really weird to expect someone to do a 6 hour round trip or book a hotel when they’re visiting you. Staying at yours is the assumed obvious plan… especially as, yes, she’s likely paying a lot more than you are for train tickets.