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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not wanting my kid to wear hijab or get into her dads wife new culture?

323 replies

Thecuddlymeoow · 03/10/2025 10:07

we have a 7 year old daughter.
for me is one thing learning about different religion’s and cultures but not tryna get a step kid into YOUR religion like telling my daughter if she would like to wear a hijab when she’s older, and baby daddy is a whimp and easy controlled by his wife. This may come out as an asshole but i don’t want to grow my kid into something that shes not born from. I respect people who are born from placeses that wear hijabs and have their culture and religions. But our daughter dosn’t belong in this culture shes half norwegian and half south america, im from south america and her dad is norwegian so it make sense that she takes those culture. Sorry for my bad english but i didn’t know i have to deal with a step mom trying to interfere deeper into my daughter life

OP posts:
Holluschickie · 03/10/2025 10:37

If this is real, I would be telling my DD exactly what I thought about modesty dressing.

I am not white and have long since rejected the modesty dressing of my own culture for myself and my DD.

Original poster
Thecuddlymeoow · 03/10/2025 10:37

@DiscoBob I just wrote religion but we dont do that here i dont belive in anything but we do culture.

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 03/10/2025 10:38

Thecuddlymeoow · 03/10/2025 10:32

@amber763 Nope not in my household.. she will learn about her own cultures she belongs in.

It’s OK to learn about other cultures-they’re not infectious. Maybe your dd can learn to solskinnsboller with her dad….

Mildorado · 03/10/2025 10:38

A couple of things, touched on by pp:
Islam is a religion, not a race or an ethnicity. There are Norwegians who are Muslims. I am astonished that you do not know this.
Secondly, if you are the child's mother, you have a say in how she is raised, which again, you must know.

Original poster
Thecuddlymeoow · 03/10/2025 10:40

@lunar1 my same tought. If baby daddy wanted to marry a muslim and go into their religion and culture thats on him but i don’t agree to putting our kid into that even if some people here say that u don’t need to be muslim to wear a hijab like sure? But thats not what we learn in my household or what a small kid thats yet learning this world

OP posts:
SprayWhiteDung · 03/10/2025 10:42

Thecuddlymeoow · 03/10/2025 10:27

@SprayWhiteDung my kid told me she got to try and then her stepmom asked if this is something she would want in future and idk prov try to talk her into it.

Thanks for clarifying that. I still think the context is important, though.

Was the SM trying to impose her faith on her SD, or was she responding to her natural questions? If, say, her SM had been a police officer or firefighter and the SD had shown interest and asked if she could try on her helmet/hat/headgear, would you have an issue with that?

She's hardly forcing/encouraging her to learn the Qu'ran by heart and swear allegiance to Allah, is she?

Twinmum345 · 03/10/2025 10:44

amber763 · 03/10/2025 10:19

No you are not being unreasonable! I absolutely would not want my daughter doing this.

Agreed! I would be fuming

Finteq · 03/10/2025 10:44

You're not very clear.

But itnsounrs like your daughter wants to wear a Hijab because she's been around your ex's new partner and you're kicking off.

You can't control this woman. If she wears a hijab she does.

If your daughter decides she wants to wear one because she's has seen some of the customs of this new woman then I'm not sure what you can do.

She is allowed to practice her religion.

Your daughter will be exposed to this if your ex and this woman are living together.

Short of banning your daughter from going over not sure what you can do.

I don't think kicking off will help the situation. Better to talk to your daughter and explain your own customs etc.

But if in the end she still wants to wear one you can't control your daughters actions when she is at your ex's place.

CinnamonBuns67 · 03/10/2025 10:46

It doesn't sound like shes trying to push your daughter, the child tried it on and the stepmum asked what her opinion was she didn't tell the child she had to. Also your ex will have converted to Islam (yes he may have not told you that doesn't mean he hasn't), his wife wouldn't have married him if he hadn't. Him being norwegian or living in norway has no impact on his ability to be a muslim, there are many white muslims from all over the world. Anyway yanbu for not wanting her to be pushed into it but yabu for not wanting your daughter to do it if she wants to under the age of 18 "no hijabs in my house" is very telling of what kind of person you are.

jeaux90 · 03/10/2025 10:46

This is a great time to re-enforce lessons to your DD on personal boundaries. No I don’t want to wear one, No I don’t want to go to xyz etc

sesquipedalian · 03/10/2025 10:46

lunar1 · 03/10/2025 10:35

Anyone trying to indoctrinate my children into their religion wouldn’t be seeing them again! Fuck that.

I couldn’t agree more.

timeandagainagain · 03/10/2025 10:48

I would be uncomfortable with the over-stepping of boundaries here. The child ofcourse can choose to be whatever she wants to be when she grows up but it is not the step mom's place to be seeking to influence any of this. My DP is a loving and helpful adult to my child. He consciously does not play a parental role and I would be very wary if he did. You need to speak to your ex, not specifically in relation to religion (which can become emotive) but about boundaries! How much time does your child spend with the father/step-mom?

Finteq · 03/10/2025 10:48

SprayWhiteDung · 03/10/2025 10:42

Thanks for clarifying that. I still think the context is important, though.

Was the SM trying to impose her faith on her SD, or was she responding to her natural questions? If, say, her SM had been a police officer or firefighter and the SD had shown interest and asked if she could try on her helmet/hat/headgear, would you have an issue with that?

She's hardly forcing/encouraging her to learn the Qu'ran by heart and swear allegiance to Allah, is she?

Show quote history

Sounds like daughter saw the new partner wearing a hijab and maybe asked if she could try one. And op found out and kicked off.

Would you have liked it better if she ignored your daughter or refused??

Longjongold · 03/10/2025 10:50

CinnamonBuns67 · 03/10/2025 10:46

It doesn't sound like shes trying to push your daughter, the child tried it on and the stepmum asked what her opinion was she didn't tell the child she had to. Also your ex will have converted to Islam (yes he may have not told you that doesn't mean he hasn't), his wife wouldn't have married him if he hadn't. Him being norwegian or living in norway has no impact on his ability to be a muslim, there are many white muslims from all over the world. Anyway yanbu for not wanting her to be pushed into it but yabu for not wanting your daughter to do it if she wants to under the age of 18 "no hijabs in my house" is very telling of what kind of person you are.

yeah I was about to say it’s unusual for a hijab wearing woman to marry a non-Muslim. It’s likely he’s converted.

QuickPeachPoet · 03/10/2025 10:51

Absolutely crazy. If neither you or her father are muslim, this should not be an issue. A random woman (which is what this person is) should have no religious influence over the child.
If she decides when she is old enough to understand to follow any faith she wants, she is free to do so.

SprayWhiteDung · 03/10/2025 10:51

Do Norwegian schools not teach about different faiths and cultures, then? Would you refuse to let her attend these lessons?

Ironically, I can see echoes here of the intolerance shown by some extremist Islamic groups and adherents (indeed very large parts of some countries), where they refuse to acknowledge any other faiths (or lack thereof) and people's right to choose for themselves - often on the grounds that it's 'their culture' that they were born into, so they don't ever get the choice as to whether they want to follow it or not.

Original poster
Thecuddlymeoow · 03/10/2025 10:53

@timeandagainagain My daughter only spend every other weekend there. Yea thats the thing for me the influencing her into this. A kid can try a hijab or heels or makeup for fun. If a was a step mom i would never influence a step kid into something my culture is from.

OP posts:
Holluschickie · 03/10/2025 10:53

Finteq · 03/10/2025 10:48

Sounds like daughter saw the new partner wearing a hijab and maybe asked if she could try one. And op found out and kicked off.

Would you have liked it better if she ignored your daughter or refused??

Show quote history

I would absolutely like it if my dd was refused in this situation.

allmymonkeys · 03/10/2025 10:54

As far as I can tell, the stepmother discussed the daughter's possible choice of wearing the hijab when she is older and if she would like to. I agree with other posters that this may have arisen from daughter's asking about stepmother's own choice of dress.

The OP's assertion that if you're Norwegian you can't be Muslim did give me pause.

user1492757084 · 03/10/2025 10:54

Is it just 7 year old being inquisitive?
Is it just the new wife being inclusive and kind?
I would not want anyone but myself or my DH taking my child to learn earnestly about any particular minority religion.

Op, maybe you need to counter this by educating your 7 year old more on the main stream religions in your country.
Ensure she is not ignorant. Help her learn about things she is wondering about. Take her to local churches every now and again and answer her questions.

LemondrizzleShark · 03/10/2025 10:55

It’s very unusual for a seven year old to wear a hijab - they usually start wearing them either when they start menstruating, or when they start secondary school, depending on parental view of when “womanhood” technically starts.

Plenty of hijab and khimar-wearing parents in our school playground, not a single primary-aged child in one.

So yes, it is unbelievable that your exH’s new wife/GF wants your non-Muslim seven year old to start wearing one every day. Literally unbelievable.

Original poster
Thecuddlymeoow · 03/10/2025 10:55

@QuickPeachPoet when shes older yea but now shes just a kid and have no idea about what these are used for, and meaning behind them and can be very overwhelming for a small kid not growend up into this culture to follow that, because dads new wife uses them

OP posts:
timeandagainagain · 03/10/2025 10:56

Thecuddlymeoow · 03/10/2025 10:53

@timeandagainagain My daughter only spend every other weekend there. Yea thats the thing for me the influencing her into this. A kid can try a hijab or heels or makeup for fun. If a was a step mom i would never influence a step kid into something my culture is from.

I suspect if she sees them only every other weekend, the influence will likely be limited. I wouldn't make an issue of it with your daughter (you don't want to make it taboo) but have a chat with your ex about boundaries.

SwanEater · 03/10/2025 10:57

Over my dead body this would happen, there's no way. If this shit wouldn't cease sharpish, I'd cut contact and he could go through courts to force it, which would take a while and can be drawn out infinitely.

Jellybunny56 · 03/10/2025 10:57

I think it depends how it is done really. There’s a difference between

  1. a child who has noticed an adult wears a certain item or follows a certain faith, asking about it, and an adult explaining why THEY do it & saying the child can make their own choice as they grow up.

  2. An adult who is actively pushing their own beliefs on a child and forcing them to participate.

1 is totally fine and normal, 2 is not.

Also, not being born somewhere does not mean you cannot as an adult choose a particular faith!

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