To insist the holiday is cancelled

[Bella2021]

DH has a big birthday next year and has booked a one week holiday for just me and him abroad. He has arranged for MIL and FIL to look after our kids (DD-5, DD-3).

MIL and FIL visited this week and said they'd do the school run for oldest DD. At 2pm they decided to nip out taking the house keys with them (car seat was left in the house). At 2.50 still no sign of them coming back so tried phoning, no answer. Both had left their phones at home. They are terrible for losing track of time. DD needed collecting at 3.15.

I couldn't get out of the house to go and get DD as they'd locked the door with my key (they had their key too and DH had other set in work). So managed to get hold of a friend that could pick up DD for me, this was 3.05 still no sign of them. Phoned school and let them know arrangements.

At 3.15 FIL comes in and grabs the car seat....he'd dropped MIL at the school to pick up DD and was heading back to pick them up. I then had to phone my friend to apologise she didn't need to get DD and phone the school. I felt so panicked and upset.

No apology from MIL or FIL. MIL went as far to say she thought it was hilarious I'd phoned the school. I want to cancel the holiday and rebook somewhere where me DH and our two DD's go together. DH thinks I'm over reacting.

YABU- go on the holiday with just DH
YANBU- cancel the holiday and book elsewhere

Can you take the kids and ILs on holiday and have a few days/nights out with DH and they can babysit? Get a couple of aparthotels next door to each other?

They said they would pick up the child from school and they did.

I am confused about the comment “no apology from MIL or FIL.” What should they have apologised for?

But regardless, your DH has booked the holiday and arranged childcare. It might be reasonable to calmly discuss any concerns that you have. To “insist” that the holiday is cancelled is very, very, very unreasonable.

They picked DD up as agreed. No need for all the panic and what ifs.

'What ifs' happen. OP is prepared for them. PILs are not. OP's call (they wouldn't be picking mine up any time soon).

I would be most annoyed at the house key situation. What were they thinking?!

And they should have had at least one phone on them in case there was an issue at the school and they needed to call you. And they could have called to let you know they were heading straight there and would get the car seat later.

They shouldn’t laugh at you for making other arrangements based on their previous lateness etc.

The water thing is disgraceful.

A week is very different to a night or two. I would tell DH to change the holiday to add your children. and maybe do a UK night away just you.

Meanwhile locking OP in so she couldn’t leave the house… 🤔

It was also a reasonable query as to why they didn’t have the car seat and she hadn’t heard from them about it.

What do people think we did before mobile phones? It wasn't always possible to contact people 24/7, you just had to trust people would do what they said they would. And they did.
It also sounds like school is within walking distance, op said she thought she would walk to collect kids and then realised they had taken the keys. So.worst case scenario is grandad dropped granny off (on time) and they walked home.
Even if they had been late, so what? Thw teachers would have kept them, people are late sometimes. It's really not the end of the world, and teaching kids that shit sometimes happens isn't a bad thing.

The grandparents clearly locked the door - that's a good thing! They maybe didn't realise they had both keys. It's happened to me before. It's frustrating, but it shows they were aware enough to lick up as they left.

Go on holiday and enjoy it. Trust they will look after your kids, and whilst routine may be a little different, that's ok.

What do people think we did before mobile phones? It wasn't always possible to contact people 24/7, you just had to trust people would do what they said they would. And they did.
It also sounds like school is within walking distance, op said she thought she would walk to collect kids and then realised they had taken the keys. So.worst case scenario is grandad dropped granny off (on time) and they walked home.
Even if they had been late, so what? Thw teachers would have kept them, people are late sometimes. It's really not the end of the world, and teaching kids that shit sometimes happens isn't a bad thing.

The grandparents clearly locked the door - that's a good thing! They maybe didn't realise they had both keys. It's happened to me before. It's frustrating, but it shows they were aware enough to lick up as they left.

Go on holiday and enjoy it. Trust they will look after your kids, and whilst routine may be a little different, that's ok.

It sounds your in laws barely spend any time with your children. In this scenario, at aged 3 abd 5 my children would have been very upset to be left with them for a whole week. I’m amazed you’re even considering it honestly. Maybe a night here and there, but a whole week??

They locked you in your own house, left the house without the car seat (why was this removed at all??) didn’t tell you what they were doing, didn’t answer their phone, laughed at the situation and didn’t apologise.

Cancel the holiday. These dithering idiots aren’t responsible enough for a house key and driving a car. There’s no way they should be responsible for a five year old and a three year old.

The parents were a lot younger then and presumably less ditsy.

Bit of an overaction, they will be shit hot when your not in the country as a back up x

I think they sound a bit ditzy but not dangerous. They came back for the car seat which is great! Didn’t just stick her in the car without one which some people of their generation would have done. Of course they forget it in the first place they don’t do a school run and wouldn’t have been part of their routine or mindset. They collected child on time as they said they would and done it in a problem solving way.

At 2 your child could have communicated she was thirsty and she had eaten and drank milk with cereal etc.

You say you don’t have much time away from the children which is likely why you are so protective of them which is great but you are setting yourself up for unnecessary stress and heartache.

What are your husbands thoughts on it all? He clearly wants to go away and spend time with you as a couple and not as mum and dad. What will the repercussions of not going be? Will it likely impact your relationship? Is it worth it? I say this as someone who deals with lots of parents who seperate and then hate having to deal with contact and custody arrangements. Will this holiday be the holiday to save your marriage? If it is one of those holidays prioritise it as if you separate he can decide if his parents care for the children when they are in his care and you get zero say.

Does he think his parents will look after the children well? His views are important too.

Being anxious about something like this is completely understandable but it’s about dealing with it in a sensible way and as a team with both of you contributing to the discussion. Also I liked the suggestion a PP made about them spending more time with the children in the lead up to the holiday. When they are next down go for a meal with your hubby and let them babysit etc. good luck and I hope you manage to get away.

How is that not an enormous fire risk? What if you needed to get out in a hurry and the key wasn't close at hand?

My inlaws are very similar, especially with the last minute rush, forgetting important documents and throwing away stuff that’s none of their business.
when my husband got his ADHD diagnosis it all made sense: ADHD is hereditary.
i think you’ll struggle to relax on holiday knowing two disorganised people are in charge of your kids, and be sad you’re making memories without your kids.

Yanbu op.

First it really doesn’t hold to compare parenting 40 yrs ago to parenting today. I’m a very basic 70s child and I walked to school unattended and literally drank from the garden hose. Your DH surviving is inconsequential. Parenting and childrearing evolves.

secondly they did get dc on time but in a chaotic and off routine kind of way. Where in the hell did they have to go to before school pick up? While you are gone for a week routine will be essential in making your dc feel safe and happy.

thirdly your house will be an absolute mess when you arrive home.

I really dislike people in 2025 shrugging off not having their phone and not having the car seat and grabbing all the keys like oh well! Do they talk to each other…hey Frank got your phone and the house keys??

my dear sister watches her gc several times a week. She’s organized fit energetic with great patience and competency and she says…no way would she keep them for a week while their parents go out of country!

how would PIL deal with an emergency? Thats a real conversation you and DH need to have.

plan something much closer to home and for less time and make the most of it!

So you had no idea of the dates or the duration or the location of the holiday.

He just told you..,, book this week off work and we are going to xyz for my birthday?

Some front doors need to be locked with the key as otherwise anyone trying the handle can just walk in. They said they'd collect DC at 3.15 and they did. The only actual problem was that they took your keys, presumably not intentionally.

You would be massively overreacting and unreasonable to cancel a holiday over this!

I would go on the holiday but find someone else to look after your kids.

Some front doors need to be locked with the key as otherwise anyone trying the handle can just walk in. And if you have one of those, you never leave anyone locked inside without their key, so they don't die in a fire. They unintentionally risked another person's life.

If DC was under their care and at school and needed help in an emergency, how would the school contact them if they were out without their phones?

If they were delayed in traffic and their last-minute pick-up went wrong, and they had no phones to inform the school, would they shrug off DC being upset or worried?

They sound chaotic and irresponsible, and should not be left in charge of a child. OP is not overreacting.

When you say the holiday is next year Op… how far away is it??

No I'd work on building trust. They did pick DD up, the commuication just want great.

Pick your battles. The one thing we absolutely insist on with PILs is that they take mobile phones out with them (and have them switched on). They were quite resistant at first and called us overanxious but they do it now and that has helped massively on both sides.

Also have an extra key that just lives inside the house, to avoid getting locked in there! Or hide your keys so PIL have to use theirs.

Thank you all for taking the time to voice your opinions and comment. I have spoken to DH this morning and he has actually said he feels like he's made a mistake booking the holiday especially after what happened yesterday feels like it is too much for his parents (even though they offered child care before he booked). I hadn't realised how annoyed DH was about the whole school pickup thing, which settles my mind that I didn't over react.

So the plan is to cancel the holiday and find somewhere more suitable where the 4 of us can go together as the hotel he had booked was adult only. So this evenings plan is sorted... just to add I'll be doing the school pick up today!

I know that leaving someone inside the house without a key is a problem. That's why I clearly said it was a problem that they took the OP's keys! I think this was the issue rather than their being in the habit of locking up after themselves though.

Not having a mobile phone isn't that odd, though. Nobody used to have a mobile phone, and everyone coped. My in-laws have never been in the habit of carrying phones everywhere, and it doesn't make them "chaotic and irresponsible".

Anyway the OP and her DH have decided to make alternative arrangements. That's their prerogative, and may be the right decision if there's some bigger pattern of behaviour. I still think it's an overreaction based on the information here.

I' m glad it's sorted OP, but remember your in-laws DID the school pick-up, despite you fretting they wouldn't, and so making out this was some kind of debacle is really not fair on them. But you don't trust them so far better not to have a week away paranoidly checking up on them