Autistic child attacking DD

[HollandAndCooper]

Hi all,

just looking for advice re the above. DD started reception at the beginning of September. She's a confident child and had no issues starting until recently.

3 times in the last 2 weeks an autistic boy has assaulted and attacked DD.
the first occasion was pinching her on her cheek leaving a mark and bruise. She was climbing on the adventure frame in the playground when this happened. Totally unprovoked.
the second occasion, he kicked her on her shin leaving a horrible bruise.
3rd occasion (today) the child in question has hit DD on her head so hard it's left a mark.

I picked her up and she was utterly hysterical.

I am so incredibly angry. I know this child has SEN but as a lot of you will relate, when someone attacks and hurts your child it rages you like nothing else. The first occasion I was angry but as understanding as can be. Now 2 and 3 more times have happened, I'm losing my patience.

it's a very small and Intimate village school, one class per year and is only reception - y2. There is no where else for the boy to go in the school because of this.

all incidents have been noted but I've now demanded a safeguarding investigation take place as he's gunning for my DD. I've been told they're doing their best to 'keep them apart.' My daughter doesn't need to be kept apart from anybody, he needs keeping away from her.

i know who the mum is. At drop off whilst waiting for the gates to be opened this child constantly presses on the intercom, bangs and punches the notice board. The mum just stands there and doesn't say anything. I know conventional discipline won't work with all SEN children, but do I speak to the mum about this? I am so angry that my 4 year old little girl cannot have her right to a safe learning environment due to this child. I have no idea if he's attacked other children.

please don't take this as a thread to hate on SEN. I am neurodiverse myself, and DD most probably is to and is on the correct pathways.

has anyone else been through this, does anyone have any advice? In reality I'd like the boy to be expelled as we're 4 weeks into her schooling life and my daughter has been assaulted 3 times. But who am I to demand that.

im at a loss on what to do. My confident, happy little girl who has loved going to school is now getting upset at drop off and is hysterical at pick up. I'm just heartbroken for her.

I know fights and scraps are normal for young kids, but this is not in the realms of normal.

any advice will be greatly received.

thank you

just to note, the boy hit DD on her head with his water bottle.

i also didn't mean to add a poll here, unsure how to get rid of it.

I would feel the same way OP. It’s not your role to try and see both sides, you need to advocate fully for your daughter. We all know there frighteningly limited send support and resources but he’s continually causing injuries and the school can’t logistically manage it, he needs to be found an alternative provision.

Ready to get flamed.

Yes, I would be livid and would be struggling to contain my anger.

The school needs to tell you exactly what they are going to do to keep her safe.

Don't speak to the mum, Op.

You need to concentrate on how the school is planning to keep your DD safe. What does the school safe guarding policy say? Are they sticking to it? What do the incident report forms say?

I must admit it seems as though the behaviour is escalating - being hit on the head hard enough to leave a mark is really not on. What does the headteacher have to say about the situation?

Have the school produced a safeguarding plan? Have you met with the head to discuss face to face?

I understand the struggles SEN parents have but when it’s focused attacks on one child I would expect the school to take this seriously and intervene.

It isn’t the Mum’s fault and there is nothing she can do about it.

You need to make an appointment with the headteacher to talk to them about it.

Autism is not an excuse for violence and parents that allow this will learn the hard way when their child grows up and ends up in prison the school needs to be doing far more then they are I'd be putting pressure on them and asking for a meeting with the headteacher

You are completely right to be angry and your role of course is to fully advocate for the safe learning environment of your DD. This child obviously needs to either have 1:1 support to support his behaviour at all times, or to move to a school that is better suited to support his needs (I fully accept this is not an easy or quick fix). But your DD and the other children in the class deserve to not be attacked.

Yes the diagnosis or SEN needs are completely irrelevant here. All you need to focus on and go back to with the school is a that a violent child has hurt and targeted your daughter

You need clear protocols set out as to how they are going to keep him away from her

That is all. Ask for this in writing and go higher and make internal complaints if this is not resolved. School should be safe for her (and other children obviously, wouldnt surprise me if she isnt his only victim)

I’m sorry that your daughter has been hurt. That’s unacceptable.
really though this is on the school. This young boy is autistic and is obviously struggling to communicate and regulate. School need to increase the support he has so that he doesn’t hurt any more children.

don’t speak to the mum though. School need to manage this. The boy shouldn’t be excluded though as it’s not his fault his needs aren’t being met.

have a meeting with the school and ask what their plan is for keeping her safe. Make sure they have carried out a risk assessment.

It is the mums fault and their is plenty they can do about it shrugging your shoulders and saying my kids autistic he can't help it. Is terrible lazy parenting

I'd keep it between yourself and school rather than talking to the mum as school will have already informed her and she isn't there when he's at school, it's their responsibility to safeguard your daughter.

Keep the discussion to about your daughter and what they are doing to safeguard her. They won't be able to tell you anything about the other child.

They are likely working behind the scenes to get him the funding to attend somewhere suitable for his needs. Unfortunately it takes time, too much time.

Unfortunately it depends on the childs understanding & communication skills! If they dont have the capacity for it, no amount of “happy safe hands” works.

You speak to the mother. You know its her child so why wouldn't you.

As a parent of autistic children (who is likely autistic myself) I hate when people use it as an excuse for children assaulting other children. This is only happening because the adults around him are poorly managing him.

Your child has as much right to a safe school environment as and other child.

You have no idea if there is or isnt somehting the mum can do. She may be a terrible parent who cannot support her disabled child with his behaviour and chooses not to, standing back and excusing him

On the other hand she might be pulling her hair our with his behaviour at school and at home and advocating for supports for him

Either way, OP needs to work with the school to force them to keep this child away from her daughter. Her daughter has been attacked and needs to be safe in school. There needs to be zero tolerance for this sort of thing.

You are right to be angry but please direct your anger at the school for managing it badly not on the little boy for struggling. The mum would probably love him not to have these difficulties and even if she doesn't care it's not practical to approach her about it as she's not there in the school day.

Why shouldn't he be excluded? He's taking away other children's rights to a safe learning environment. If he's the common denominator in this, surely he should be removed?

I understand it's not that easy, and SEN support is extremely hard to get. He's attacking children unprovoked. Surely the safest outcome is to remove him.

im just so upset that she's going through this.
I have asked for a meeting with the school and I do have a copy of the safe guarding policy. But so far all that's happening is 'trying to keep them separate.' If they've tried to keep them separate after the 1st or 2nd assault then it clearly isn't working and the assaults are getting worse.

just so upset and angry for my little girl 😔
I don't mean to come across harsh, it's just heightened emotions.

If the school are rubbish I would tell her to hit him back next time as hard as she can

That’s what I told our I had advised my children when in primary school after about incident 3 with the “we don’t retaliate” nonsense. I emailed the school informing them I had advised our child to do this seeing as they were struggling to keep them safe.

What else can you do?
And it worked.

Children are not punchbags for other people’s children. What they can hit yours but yours can’t hit back.

And I pointed this out to school, they hit them back, back, not first, they were attempting to avoid them after taking it 3 times, how many more times until it stops?

It doesn’t always work but it can do. And did with ours, kids learn not to hit someone if they are going to get a smack back.

Reframe it as your daughter is repeatedly being hurt by another child at school and the school are not protecting her.

Either the school protects your daughter and takes steps to prevent to child from being violent or you take your child out of that school immediately.

You would not continue to go into work if a colleague was carrying out these acts of violence upon you, would you?

Don't let your daughter suffer a moment longer.

Whilst I wouldnt go as far as saying its all the Mum's fault standing there doing nothing is not acceptable. Maybe she doesnt care to address it? Its her child. I dont know why people seem to try and push this responsibility onto others.

I agree that the school needs to work out a plan but the Mum cannot just wash her hands of it and let 'someone' else deal with it

So what do you do if she does?

Make a face to face appointment with the headteacher. They are failing to keep your child safe in school, ask them what they are going to do about it and what the escalation process is if they continue to fail in their duty of care. I am an SEN mum. They are failing the other child too.

You need to speak to the Head. They are failing or unable to support this boy’s needs, and consequently failing your daughter and probably others. Your daughter has had a head injury deliberately inflicted by another child. I personally think that’s very very serious. If they cannot control this child’s violent impulses, he will have to be excluded. Three times already? I would make a big nuisance of myself. Don’t start anything with the mum though.

I get what you're saying. But this kid in the mornings is picking up sticks from the woodland next to the school and throwing them at other kids (we're pretty rural, but there is a much bigger mainstream primary school 0.2 miles away which is connected to this school, just over 2 buildings.)
he buzzes the intercom and staff speak through it and say 'please don't press the buzzer, we will let you in shortly' he punches the notice board outside which creates a racket. The mum genuinely just stands there. She does the odd 'O come on' in a very half arsed tone but that's it. (edited by MNHQ to remove identifying details)

the boy is making my daughters life miserable. Yes, through no fault of his own, but from what I and others have witnessed the mum just lets him punch hit and destroy everyone and everything around him and she doesn't make any attempt to pull him away.
the school is set next to a church and around the school grounds is a small grave yard. He runs over the graves.

i know it's not the boys fault due to his disability.
it just frustrates me that he's allowed to to all of this and not even an attempt be made to take him away or tell him to stop.

I really don't want me to come across as ableist or a Sen bashing thread. I'm just so upset for DD

You're completely and totally right.
thank you, I needed to hear that.