Autistic child attacking DD

[HollandAndCooper]

Hi all,

just looking for advice re the above. DD started reception at the beginning of September. She's a confident child and had no issues starting until recently.

3 times in the last 2 weeks an autistic boy has assaulted and attacked DD.
the first occasion was pinching her on her cheek leaving a mark and bruise. She was climbing on the adventure frame in the playground when this happened. Totally unprovoked.
the second occasion, he kicked her on her shin leaving a horrible bruise.
3rd occasion (today) the child in question has hit DD on her head so hard it's left a mark.

I picked her up and she was utterly hysterical.

I am so incredibly angry. I know this child has SEN but as a lot of you will relate, when someone attacks and hurts your child it rages you like nothing else. The first occasion I was angry but as understanding as can be. Now 2 and 3 more times have happened, I'm losing my patience.

it's a very small and Intimate village school, one class per year and is only reception - y2. There is no where else for the boy to go in the school because of this.

all incidents have been noted but I've now demanded a safeguarding investigation take place as he's gunning for my DD. I've been told they're doing their best to 'keep them apart.' My daughter doesn't need to be kept apart from anybody, he needs keeping away from her.

i know who the mum is. At drop off whilst waiting for the gates to be opened this child constantly presses on the intercom, bangs and punches the notice board. The mum just stands there and doesn't say anything. I know conventional discipline won't work with all SEN children, but do I speak to the mum about this? I am so angry that my 4 year old little girl cannot have her right to a safe learning environment due to this child. I have no idea if he's attacked other children.

please don't take this as a thread to hate on SEN. I am neurodiverse myself, and DD most probably is to and is on the correct pathways.

has anyone else been through this, does anyone have any advice? In reality I'd like the boy to be expelled as we're 4 weeks into her schooling life and my daughter has been assaulted 3 times. But who am I to demand that.

im at a loss on what to do. My confident, happy little girl who has loved going to school is now getting upset at drop off and is hysterical at pick up. I'm just heartbroken for her.

I know fights and scraps are normal for young kids, but this is not in the realms of normal.

any advice will be greatly received.

thank you

I'm sorry but this is taking the piss.

the attacks are all intentional and unprovoked. I've been told this by her teacher.
the comments about the child's behaviour are to paint a picture of what the child is like.
I didn't not use his real name, obviously.
repeatedly pressing an intercom which is going to be loudly ringing in reception while the poor staff are trying to work? Yeah cool nice one keep doing that

I absolutely DO have a right to judge her attempts at parenting and controlling her child based on what I've seen, when it's at the expense of my daughters safety and right to a safe learning environment.

I also said that I wouldn't want her to hit back as this child is bigger and stronger than her. He is already aggressive unprovoked so imagine what he's like if she retaliates.

Me personally ? I am financially secure. Thank you for your concern.

You don't have to be - it's the school job to manage the situation so it is safe for both kids (even if that's not easy or resourced).

DN had phycial issues, SEN issues and diffcult homelife - she was befriended by a another SEN child which was fine till child started isolating and attcking her. It was easier for the school to give the other child what she wanted - DN - rather than deal properly with the situation.

DN parents went in in the end were very firm that it was not DN responsibly to look after this other child and it was the school reponsblity to ensure DN was safe and happy as well. Every event was followed up - and complaints were all in writing and it did get sorted.

I will say you do tend to get futher if you focus on your child needs - as I found if they could blame it on you or your child disliking a SEN child or child with problems then they'd have a reason to do nothing.

I don't think there any point talking to the mother - either she ineffective/overwhlemed or trying her best but what she definitely is not is there in school when events are happening.

There will be something the parent can do to help her DC understand boundaries. It will be a long, hard slog and will likely not be effective in the short term. She would need to work with the school though to work out what her child's triggers are and how he responds to punishment / reward and what motivated him. I work as a 1:1 with a non-verbal autistic child who hits. I have learned to recognise the signs and most of the time can redirect or move her before it happens but on the occasions she has hit another child, she is immediately removed from the room (what happens next depends on the context, space and staff available). If school staff can do this, there is no reason to think a decent parent can't learn to deal effectively with their autistic DCs behaviour. It won't work every time, and can be really hard if you are exhausted from lack of sleep but saying "there's absolutely nothing I can do, she's autistic and can't help it" is nonsense.

None of this is relevant to the OP tho, her conversation with the school has to focus on how they will keep her DD safe rather than specifics about how they will manage the other pupil. I would realistically expect that to be something like an extra adult on the playground who can focus on behaviour (they won't specifically say to OP that it's a 1:1 for this child), (whole class TAs are not a legal requirement after EYFS so it's possible they have another adult available even if using them makes life harder elsewhere in the school). It could be work being done in class around sharing, changing how children move around at certain times to avoid crowding. Basically OP I would keep pressing until they tell you in writing how they will keep her safe, give it a chance to work and if their plan fails, move her. You shouldn't have to but if there is another school available, don't sacrifice your DC's safety for a point of principle.

I agree in principle of hit back, it's what I was always told to do. If the boy wasn't visibly bigger and stronger than her I would encourage it.

I just worry about the repercussions and how violent he could be off the back of it

Then maybe a suspension till a 1 to 1 is funded or maybe mum can step in.

You shouldn't have to but if there is another school available, don't sacrifice your DC's safety for a point of principle.

I'd agree - if it doesn't stop - or if after talking to the HT you are not reassured - however much a pain it is - move her to another school.

Why shouldn't he be excluded? He's taking away other children's rights to a safe learning environment. If he's the common denominator in this, surely he should be removed?

but he isn't. it's not his fault. School are not doing their bit by safeguarding your DD. school is failing you. Not a 4 year old autistic boy!

I've mentioned this on other threads.

When I was a HoD in a Scottish secondary, I used to remind the SLT that they needed to put in place a risk assessment which stated what would be done to prevent violent pupils from harming other pupils and staff.

Ask your daughter's school whether a risk assessment has been put in place, OP. They'll probably say that they can't discuss an RA on another pupil with you, but you should also ask them to give you a written statement of what safeguarding procedures have been put in place to protect your daughter from the one pupil who has already harmed her.

As soon as you mention risk assessment, the school will realise that you are aware that the school is accountable.

Oooh... I can't wait for you to explain what Mum can do about it when:

The child is SEN, and 4.
She is not present when these incidents occur.

We're all ears. drums fingers

Also curious to know how Mum is lazy, you hooked into their pet camera or something?

Many people aren't without working so just keeping her child at home probably isn't an option.

Your daughter's safety and this boys behaviour at drop off are not related.

Your daughter's safety during the school day you have the right to have a face to face meeting with the school and a right to a safeguarding plan and a complaints policy if that is not followed.

His crap behaviour and parental apathy is shit parenting but none of your business. You don't know what she's gone through just to get him to school.

Pick your battles.

It sounds like school are working on a solution. The child is arriving early and leaving early to avoid the stress of those difficult times. That should help OPs daughter at drop off and pick up. The staff are keeping them apart during the day. What on earth more do you expect a few weeks into reception???

Such a shame that this is what schools have to now deal with. Instead of focusing on educating children and running a school they now have to do this. And how does the parent not get any blame or responsibility here? It’s not like she has no clue what he is like. But yes it is always someone else’s problem to solve

We had very similar onlly the child targeting our DC should have had a 1 to 1, not sure what they were actually doing when the attacks took place.

We wrote to the HT setting out what had happened and what assurances we’d being given previously. Pointed out that the plans they had in place weren’t working and asked for a written reply setting out exactly how they would be safeguarding our DC in the future. We also copied in the Governors.

Happy to say it never happened again.

You absolutely do need to put it in writing so there is a trace and agree with others that taking to the Parent is pointless.

I’m so sorry your little girl is having to suffer like this. Go back to the school in the morning and ask for a meeting. This needs sorted asap. Physical assault should be treated with suspension if the child is continually targeting your child. Even a 1-1 has its limitations as they will still need to have lunch and go to the bathroom. Some children really are feral. If he was severely autistic he wouldn’t be in mainstream.

This is the reason I left teaching.
We all start off well meaning, and want the best for all children. And of course, it would be absurd to expel an autistic 4 year old. Instead, as often the only adult in the room, we have to halt the learning of all the other children to get down on their level and validate their emotions. We have to pre-empt them kicking off by always having an eye on their non-verbal cues. God forbid they do kick off and you ask for support from the SENCO, they will turn it around and ask how you could have managed the situation better (I can tell you the answer isn’t a stupid visual timetable).

But when it’s only one, two or three of these out of a class of 30, you keep on trying your best. After all, they have Special Educational Needs!

But then you also have little Johnny who is on a care plan because his dad is abusive. He kicks off constantly, and the last thing you want to do is to make Johnny feel unsafe in your classroom. So you have to nurture him, give him lots of special attention, make allowances for his bad behaviour because we all know if he gets expelled, he’ll end up like his dad and it’s a vicious circle.

But then you have little Amy whose mum died and so you need to be hyper vigilant at all times to make sure she is okay and not going to have a meltdown. And if she lashes out and hurts someone, well, it is to be expected really as she has been through so much trauma and isn’t it great that school is her safe place. It’s almost a compliment to the teacher that she feels safe enough to kick off in the classroom!

But also please make sure the Phonics lesson is completed by 9.30 and all children have made progress, are on track and are seated in silence in the hall ready for singing assembly.

But make sure you stay and accompany your class in singing assembly because they might need adult support, and the singing teacher is some random person signed up to the new PPA cover agency and isn’t qualified and has no concept of behaviour management.

Can you tell how mad I am!?

I get we have to make allowances for SEN children, I do. But all of the children in my class were individual people with individual needs and individual traumas and there just isn’t anywhere to draw the line anymore. All behaviour is communication. So ALL bad behaviour is flagging an additional need.

At some point, the tide will turn and we will realise that the best thing to do is to do these children a favour and teach them right from wrong and how to behave appropriately. It is insulting to have lower standards for some children, and we are setting them up for failure.

And I haven’t even mentioned the other children in the class who have their learning disrupted constantly. If they’re quiet, well it’s even worse for them as they’ll get no attention whatsoever.

Of course I'm angry with the boy! He's injured and assaulted my precious little girl on 3 occasions.

the anger isn't personal at him because I know he's disabled. But it's parental instinct to be full of rage when someone hurts your most treasured thing in the world.

im angry at the school for not keeping my daughter safe and I'm angry at his mum who lets him run riot in the mornings without even attempting to move him away.

It's absolutely possible he's severely autistic and in mainstream because special schools are often full and/or it takes time to gather the evidence required or the special school requires a formal diagnosis which they may still be waiting for at 4 due to how awful waiting lists are.

First port of action is to teach her to respond in kind tbh

Presumably he’s social enough that he communicates with other kids, a slap back from a fellow kid will get the message through.

It sucks but in all my years in school + my own DD’s schooling, the only effective response to bullying I’ve ever seen was to give back in equal measure.

That was kind of why i put the story up.

It seems children just need to claim SEN status and they get a 'get out of jail free card' for their actions for life. I am sorry but imo they should not be given a free ride. Children who go to school should expect to be safe as a bare minimum. If they cannot 100% guarantee it with this other child then he should be removed from the school. The safety of the many outweighs the unfortunate status of the 1.

On the subject of my DD story. This boy had obviously never been stood up to or given a dose of his own medicine. He never listened to anyone and repeated his mistakes again and again. Strange how he learnt this lesson so quickly.

Funny thing is he was actually an intelligent child. He did really well in his GCSE's and A Levels. But how many childrens educations did he ruin in the process?

Tell me you don't understand autism without telling me you don't understand autism.

You don't have to justify anything OP. No child should be hurt at school. End of.

Dependant on the SEN needs the child could be lashin gout as a way of trying to communicate, if non verbal/minimal language it could be out of frustration. However my DD targeted by a “friend” who has ASD in mainstream primary. He targeted her because he was aware there would be a reaction of some kind not only for my DD but the school and his Mum and Nan and that’s why he chose my DD because we were all friends. Not any more because the last straw was when he hit her in her fanny with a hockey stick and that was it, I made a formal compliant and the mum was pulled into school and he was excluded for a period of time. The family hated that I didn’t go to them again - went to them so many times and nothing changed.

I've worked with several pupils with autism over the years.

In all that time, I encountered one mother like the lady you're describing here. Her main concern was getting her child into the school building so that she could be free of him for the day. (I expect to be flamed for being harsh, but it's true.)

The pupil concerned was very much in control of his actions and had actually learned how to control his mother.

That being said, the relationship between the mother you describe and her son is not your problem. As others have said, concentrate on protecting your daughter.

If the school tries to convince you to be 'understanding', reiterate that your concern is your daughter's physical and mental wellbeing: what will the school do in order to ensure her safety and and also to ensure that she can have a normal social experience at school without living with the constant fear of attack?