Autistic child attacking DD

[HollandAndCooper]

Hi all,

just looking for advice re the above. DD started reception at the beginning of September. She's a confident child and had no issues starting until recently.

3 times in the last 2 weeks an autistic boy has assaulted and attacked DD.
the first occasion was pinching her on her cheek leaving a mark and bruise. She was climbing on the adventure frame in the playground when this happened. Totally unprovoked.
the second occasion, he kicked her on her shin leaving a horrible bruise.
3rd occasion (today) the child in question has hit DD on her head so hard it's left a mark.

I picked her up and she was utterly hysterical.

I am so incredibly angry. I know this child has SEN but as a lot of you will relate, when someone attacks and hurts your child it rages you like nothing else. The first occasion I was angry but as understanding as can be. Now 2 and 3 more times have happened, I'm losing my patience.

it's a very small and Intimate village school, one class per year and is only reception - y2. There is no where else for the boy to go in the school because of this.

all incidents have been noted but I've now demanded a safeguarding investigation take place as he's gunning for my DD. I've been told they're doing their best to 'keep them apart.' My daughter doesn't need to be kept apart from anybody, he needs keeping away from her.

i know who the mum is. At drop off whilst waiting for the gates to be opened this child constantly presses on the intercom, bangs and punches the notice board. The mum just stands there and doesn't say anything. I know conventional discipline won't work with all SEN children, but do I speak to the mum about this? I am so angry that my 4 year old little girl cannot have her right to a safe learning environment due to this child. I have no idea if he's attacked other children.

please don't take this as a thread to hate on SEN. I am neurodiverse myself, and DD most probably is to and is on the correct pathways.

has anyone else been through this, does anyone have any advice? In reality I'd like the boy to be expelled as we're 4 weeks into her schooling life and my daughter has been assaulted 3 times. But who am I to demand that.

im at a loss on what to do. My confident, happy little girl who has loved going to school is now getting upset at drop off and is hysterical at pick up. I'm just heartbroken for her.

I know fights and scraps are normal for young kids, but this is not in the realms of normal.

any advice will be greatly received.

thank you

Absolutely agree. What a bloody limp answer from the school. Regardless of SEN of the other child, your daughter is being physically injured in the school environment, repeatedly and frequently, and this cannot stand. That’s what I’d focus on. Raise hell op, do not let this slide.

There are other solutions before expelling. He needs to be properly supervised, for example, so he can't attack another pupil.

As I said, it's up to the school and the system to keep your DD (and other pupils) safe. It doesn't matter how they do it, as long as they do do it.

She can remove him to keep other children safe.

School is to educate not to manage that behaviour. Shocking.

Yes, I think ideally they would tell OP the specific plan they have to stop this happening again

It is the mum’s fault!! And there is lots she can do about! child having SEN is not an excuse for violent behaviour! If the child was going to be over whelmed in the setting the mum should have fought and got him the correct support! From the Op post sounds like the mother is using his SEN as a reason not even try to correct the child’s behaviour!

As a parent of an autistic child there is a LOT this parent can be doing! Kids with ND need a lot more parenting and discipline than NT kids and stopping them misbehaving is basic parenting!

Bit spineless of her not to apologise to the OP then and tell her what she as a parent is going to do to prevent this young girl being whacked. It is not all up to the state to deal with her son.

What CAN they do to ‘keep them apart’ bar locking the violent child is a classroom (which would go down like a lead balloon here due to ‘his rights’?). Inclusion has come at the cost of our children’s safety. This happened to my DD, and eventually we took her out and she now attends a better school with a different demographic. I feel for you, because anything you say will be called ‘ableist’

OP - I think it’s awful that your daughter is being injured.
I work in a school- a private school- as a midday assistant.
i mention that because it’s the basis for what I’m going to say.
It’s not going to happen that a reception child will be excluded for hurting your DD inless it was clearly intentional and so on. I’d expect that the school needs to get him a 1-1 at a minimum if he is being violent (as opposed to clumsy or otherwise accidentally causing harm). My suspicion that exclusion wouldn’t follow has absolutely nothing to do with his having a disability or not,
I’ve seen children spit, punch, almost strangle etc other children in reception - at that very young age risk, serious injury etc are very foreign ideas to children. I can tell children 10 times if you do x, y will happen and you will be hurt etc. They do it anyway.
The staff do “punish” the children for bad behaviour and obviously for deliberately causing injury and so on.
From your OP exclusion is the only thing I would say is unreasonable to expect.
I think your comments about the child’s behaviour around buzzing the intercom are uncalled for. As is using his name.
As is commenting on what his mother does or doesn’t do.
Autistic children often don’t sleep - that woman could be operating on 2 hours broken sleep and pressing an intercom is hardly causing damage. She might be picking her battles. She might not give a shit, it’s hard to tell.
You don’t have any right to judge her attempts at parenting or controlling her child based on what you have seen.
Plus anyone saying hit back .. in reception class? Really? I mean sure have the entire reception class excluded because they invariably do something to another pupil at one point in the first few months before they understand rules and repercussions IN SCHOOL.
none of that is to say it’s ok for anyone to harm your daughter- it isn’t.
But talk to the staff..

there’s also a small chance everything isn’t exactly as it seems (eg was the water bottle an accident- why did they have a water bottle outside/at lunch etc), who was on duty caring for the children?) . On an aside but related - today I was asked to keep an eye on a particular child because of an alleged incident the day before. I was a little shocked as the incident took place right in front of me, involved an autistic child (who did absolutely nothing wrong but was blamed) and the incident was absolutely nothing like reported.

DD’s close friend is autistic and he has never hurt her. I do wonder how many of these children have had an unpleasant consequence for violence rather than just ‘chats’.

Getting the correct support takes time, too much time and largely because parents have to fight LA's, not because they aren't bothered about getting their SEND child the correct support.

The process is frustratingly slow and LA's don't make it easy, for the parents or the schools.

Unless you are fully familiar with this child’s diagnosis then you can’t possibly know if it’s the mother (or father’s) fault.

you also cant possibly know if there is lots she can do.

none of us know.

and the waiting list for diagnosis is years in some areas

Presumably mum is properly supervising during that time he is runnig around, picking up sticks and messing with the intercom?

How come that supervision isnt working?

Thats essentially 1-1 right there, but not effective

So how is a school 1-1 going to be effective?

Mum needs to physically pick him up and remove him.

This poor child is being completely failed by his mother. What a complete waste of space she is! The school need to accept that they cannot meet the needs of this child and find him a place in a special school. I feel sorry for the teachers who will know he’s a wee fucker but can’t tell you that. I’m sure they want rid of him too.
Teach your child to hit back and hit back hard. If he’s in mainstream school he will understand that actions have consequences.

This is what I told my DD. Everyone is entitled to self defence.

The school won't have told her which child he hurt.

The teacher was quite guarded in what she said to me about him. Of course for confidentiality.

the limited information she gave me, she said the child will be bought into the school 5 minutes earlier than the other children and same with pick up, that an investigation is in place and they're doing their best to 'keep them apart.'

im just so sad for DD. She's loved school and has been so excited to start. She's now scared to go to school and is clinging to my leg at drop off. God knows how she'll be tomorrow after today's events.

@Uptightmumma
You nor the OP has the faintest idea how the mother of this child parents. None.

nobody knows if the school did inform her of the injuries and.. if they did they would not be permitted to disclose which child, their conditions etc.

In fact the OP just says she knows this child has autism.. but not how she knows that

That’s a disgraceful post.

Why not go the whole hog and start victim blaming the child being assaulted.

I think the word you were looking for there was 'parent', not 'mum', no?

And then what would you do? When you know your child doesn't respond to rewards or punishments? When nothing you say or do can change their behaviour?

Which is the case for a good number of parents who are genuinely good parents. I have a friend whose life revolves around her DD with learning disabilities from a genetic condition.

Yes, she drills in over and over again not to say various offensive things, things that I know my friend over over 30 years finds abhorrent. But her DD will sometimes say them. She will also try to grab and kiss complete strangers, so when we go out and about together we form a guard around her.

It isn't the fault of her parents. It isn't her fault either. But it is the responsibility of those who care for her to keep safe from other people, as well as other people safe from her.

This comment made me remember a situation when my DD was younger. She was always getting grief of a boy who was SEN. He was given special treatment for everything including his aggressive attitude towards the other children. He went through a spell of targeting my DD. After a while i just said to DD that she is a lot stronger than others realise and to retaliate if he touched her again.

A couple of days later she comes home from school and tells me this boy had pushed her quite hard in the back in the queue for dinner. She had then grabbed his rucksack and swung this boy into some table and chairs completely taking him off his feet. He got up, the teachers who witnessed everything turned a blind eye and everyone went quiet. He never ever touched my DD again.

It helped that from the age of 8 she lifted weights and was a competitive athlete.

I would keep my child at home until they had a special school setting.

The school need to accept that they cannot meet the needs of this child and find him a place in a special school.

Excuse my hollow laugh.

It could be years before he gets a diagnosis that qualifies him for special school, and when he gets it, there'll be another couple of years spent on the waiting list.

15 years ago, there'd have been a fair chance. At that point I was teaching children in a special school who came to us straight from nursery.
Now? Not a hope. My DD is also a teacher in a special school and there's a three year waiting list for a place there.

It’s incredibly difficult to exclude a child, particularly one with a diagnosed or suspected need. There are a lot of hoops to jump through, and it takes time. It’s also very easily contested if it can be established that the exclusion is because the child wasn’t suitably catered for.

Many children start EYFS in a school that isn’t appropriate for them. Mine did. The LA wanted it proven that he couldn’t cope in mainstream before they’d fund a specialist place. That proof took a full academic year to get.

Just getting rid of the child may not be a short term option. He needs a member of staff with him, at all times, and it’s difficult staffing wise to manage that too.