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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Diet restriction imposed by school and father

266 replies

ByMauveEagle · 01/10/2025 23:30

Hi All, I’ve a little issue that I’d like a second opinion on. I equally share care of 4-year old daughter with her father. She has recently started school and I just noticed that he has entered on her online profile (without consulting me) that she is vegan. It is on the catering staff’s records now and when she chooses a meal in the mornings she is being told “no you can’t have that you’re vegan”. She eats meat-based meals half the days of the week and has eaten meat all of her life. There was one instance lately of her saying “no I don’t eat meat” at home, but since then she declares that her favourite foods are “lamb, meatballs and sausages”. So, as far as the wishes of a 4 year old count, she certainly does not wish to eat only vegan food.

I fear that being labelled vegan will single her out, may affect her healthy attitude towards food (being told that some foods are bad etc), will confuse her when she is denied her choices at school, and more importantly will lead to her saying “I’m not eating that homemade shepherds pie tonight mummy because my teachers say that I’m vegan”.

I fully acknowledge that her dad can prepare any food he wishes at home. But when I am dropping my daughter off in the morning and collecting her in the evening she isn’t by any definition “in his care”. Without both parents’ consent, without a court order setting out her diet, and against her wishes (she is asking for meat and being refused it), I don’t believe it’s a school’s right to dictate to me and my child what she eats and restrict her to a specific diet.

I have suggested a compromise of dad asking her to choose certain vegan dishes on “his” days (the menus are on the school website). Or he could prepare her a packed lunch. But “dad” just ignores me. If I push the issue then I’ll be accused of all sorts: a bad co-parent, hostile etc.

Is this something I can/should do something about? I don’t want this shaping and influencing the rest of her life and being a label placed on her against her (and my) wishes. And I don’t want any instances at tea time where she refuses to eat the meal that’s been cooked for her with her family. If she gets to 12 years old and is adamant that she’s a vegan (or any other choice) then that’s a different story. But she’s little more than a toddler.

Am I being unreasonable in wanting to propose a compromise and to have the school record amended to remove the ‘vegan diet’ requirement?

OP posts:
pottylolly · 01/10/2025 23:34

You need to explain to the school that she isn’t vegan, and the dad is using it to control her. Make it clear that your daughter should be allowed to freely choose whatever meal she likes. Talk to the head if you need to.

SapphOhNo · 01/10/2025 23:41

Who cares if he's hostile and accuses you of bad parenting. Tell him to get in the bin.

mummymissessunshine · 01/10/2025 23:46

Speak to safeguarding team and tell the kitchen to up date their record.
she is not vegan.

LifeOfAShowgirl13 · 02/10/2025 00:02

YANBU. And I say that as a vegan. Let her make her own choices.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 02/10/2025 00:14

pottylolly · 01/10/2025 23:34

You need to explain to the school that she isn’t vegan, and the dad is using it to control her. Make it clear that your daughter should be allowed to freely choose whatever meal she likes. Talk to the head if you need to.

Exactly this.

ButterPiesAreGreat · 02/10/2025 00:20

Look at the complaints policy of the school, or go and ask for it. Follow it.

Househassles · 02/10/2025 00:23

But “dad” just ignores me. If I push the issue then I’ll be accused of all sorts: a bad co-parent, hostile etc.

Logically, why would you be a bad parent for pointing out that your child is not vegan (which is correct; loads of people eat vegan meals or cook a fully vegan diet at home, but this does not make the person "vegan" if they do/will eat animal products under other circumstances), but the dad is not a bad parent for unilaterally, secretly, and incorrectly insisting that she is? Her dad isn't protecting her interests in this instance, so you are the only one who can. Don't be bullied out of that.

BCBird · 02/10/2025 03:28

ButterPiesAreGreat · 02/10/2025 00:20

Look at the complaints policy of the school, or go and ask for it. Follow it.

School do not need to receive a complaint. They are looking out for your daughter., based on the information they have received. They have been incorrectly informed that she is vegan. The complaint should be to her dad.

Darragon · 02/10/2025 03:30

Point out to school that making choices is on the EYFS curriculum for British Values and therefore they should be facilitating her making her own choices.

thelakeisle1 · 02/10/2025 03:31

She's not vegan, so let the school know that. Make sure they understand clearly and get them to put it in writing.

Then just get on with feeding her healthy, nutritious food in a way that suits you.

Darragon · 02/10/2025 03:34

BCBird · 02/10/2025 03:28

School do not need to receive a complaint. They are looking out for your daughter., based on the information they have received. They have been incorrectly informed that she is vegan. The complaint should be to her dad.

Show quote history

Well, no, complaining to dad at this point is obviously a silly waste of time that won’t move them forward. Communicating with the school very clearly about the situation, asking them to sort it out, and making a complaint if it isn’t resolved at school is the only course of action that will actually solve the problem, which is presumably what OP wants. If dad wants to force her to be vegan he needs to get a court order and in absence of that, the school shouldn’t be enforcing a restrictive diet on an unwilling child.

femfemlicious · 02/10/2025 03:44

Where has this come from?. Is the dad vegan?. Definitely put your foot down calmly with the school!

BCBird · 02/10/2025 03:58

Explaining the situation to the school re dad has filled this in, but does not have the authority to do so- fine. Complaining - no.. The kitchen staff will simply see vegan on their information about child. The fact that dad has done this and parents are not able to co- parent amicably should not be something a third party have to navigate ideally.

thelakeisle1 · 02/10/2025 04:00

Darragon · 02/10/2025 03:34

Well, no, complaining to dad at this point is obviously a silly waste of time that won’t move them forward. Communicating with the school very clearly about the situation, asking them to sort it out, and making a complaint if it isn’t resolved at school is the only course of action that will actually solve the problem, which is presumably what OP wants. If dad wants to force her to be vegan he needs to get a court order and in absence of that, the school shouldn’t be enforcing a restrictive diet on an unwilling child.

Show quote history

Yep. Do exactly this OP.

TotallyUnapologeticOmnivore · 02/10/2025 04:51

Please stand up for your child. If that means having an argument with the other parent, so be it.

marcopront · 02/10/2025 05:12

Darragon · 02/10/2025 03:30

Point out to school that making choices is on the EYFS curriculum for British Values and therefore they should be facilitating her making her own choices.

So the school shouldn’t follow information given by the parents?

Itsnottheheatitsthehumidity · 02/10/2025 05:18

Two pronged action: tell Dad that his actions are confusing your child and that she's not vegan at all, despite what he thinks, and school needs to be informed that your child eats both vegan and meat dishes at each parent's home. Also, she can have whatever she likes at lunchtime.

StillAGoth · 02/10/2025 06:38

The school isn't imposing anything.

A parent has informed them of a child's dietary requirements and they are following that.

If that information isn't accurate, you need to tell them.

I can't believe someone's actually suggested following the complaints procedure. Or that you have started a thread asking what you can do when the obvious answer is speak to the school.

StillAGoth · 02/10/2025 06:43

Darragon · 02/10/2025 03:30

Point out to school that making choices is on the EYFS curriculum for British Values and therefore they should be facilitating her making her own choices.

Oh don't be silly. Do.you really.think the school isn't aware of the EYFS framework?

I can also pretty much guarantee they won't he upset to learn that a 4 year old isn't actually vegan after all.

helpfulperson · 02/10/2025 06:44

I'm not sure what else the school can do. They have recieved information from a person with parental rights. He has every right to do this. I think you need to go to court for a specific issues order.

Sirzy · 02/10/2025 06:48

ButterPiesAreGreat · 02/10/2025 00:20

Look at the complaints policy of the school, or go and ask for it. Follow it.

It’s not a complaint against the school they are just actioning what they have been informed by a parent.

The OP needs to talk to school and explain the situation and make it clear that the child isn’t being raised as vegan. They will then record the conversation on their systems.

Wherethewildthingsfart · 02/10/2025 06:49

The school haven’t done anything wrong, they have been told that she is vegan so they are feeding her a vegan diet while in their care.

Just change it if you are unhappy.

spanieleyes · 02/10/2025 06:55

You can go in and change her record to non vegan, dad will then change it back and so on. There’s nothing school can do about it, both of you have parental responsibility and school have to take account of both. That’s why they hate getting into parental disputes. The only thing you can do permanently is get a specific issues order.

Elleherd · 02/10/2025 07:04

If you ask a school to arbitrate between two parents who don't agree, they will always choose the option that covers their back the best. In this case probably go with vegan food at school, as she can eat meat at yours.

Imagine if you discover your child has a minor but annoying allergy to something, and the school removes it for her because you've told them that.
Then dad tells the school he gives it to her without problems, so she's not allergic.
She's 4 and says she loves that thing.
Would you be happy if the school started giving her that thing again because he said she wasn't allergic because he gives it to her? Should they override your claim in favor of his?

It isn't the school or DD who should be dealing with parental disagreements on the nitty gritty of how your child is raised. You should be seeking a specific issues order then presenting it to the school if you want her to be able to go against her other parents views while she's there, and he should do the same if he wants her to be able to go against yours at school.

Don't make the child or the school your battleground.

It wont do her any harm to eat vegan options at school while you sort your lifestyle parenting disagreements out in the proper place.

PinkFrogss · 02/10/2025 07:12

As others have said, tell the school she is not vegan.

Is her dad vegan? If not then I’d be really worried about this behaviour, make a note of it and get evidence from the school if possible.