Diet restriction imposed by school and father

[ByMauveEagle]

Hi All, I’ve a little issue that I’d like a second opinion on. I equally share care of 4-year old daughter with her father. She has recently started school and I just noticed that he has entered on her online profile (without consulting me) that she is vegan. It is on the catering staff’s records now and when she chooses a meal in the mornings she is being told “no you can’t have that you’re vegan”. She eats meat-based meals half the days of the week and has eaten meat all of her life. There was one instance lately of her saying “no I don’t eat meat” at home, but since then she declares that her favourite foods are “lamb, meatballs and sausages”. So, as far as the wishes of a 4 year old count, she certainly does not wish to eat only vegan food.

I fear that being labelled vegan will single her out, may affect her healthy attitude towards food (being told that some foods are bad etc), will confuse her when she is denied her choices at school, and more importantly will lead to her saying “I’m not eating that homemade shepherds pie tonight mummy because my teachers say that I’m vegan”.

I fully acknowledge that her dad can prepare any food he wishes at home. But when I am dropping my daughter off in the morning and collecting her in the evening she isn’t by any definition “in his care”. Without both parents’ consent, without a court order setting out her diet, and against her wishes (she is asking for meat and being refused it), I don’t believe it’s a school’s right to dictate to me and my child what she eats and restrict her to a specific diet.

I have suggested a compromise of dad asking her to choose certain vegan dishes on “his” days (the menus are on the school website). Or he could prepare her a packed lunch. But “dad” just ignores me. If I push the issue then I’ll be accused of all sorts: a bad co-parent, hostile etc.

Is this something I can/should do something about? I don’t want this shaping and influencing the rest of her life and being a label placed on her against her (and my) wishes. And I don’t want any instances at tea time where she refuses to eat the meal that’s been cooked for her with her family. If she gets to 12 years old and is adamant that she’s a vegan (or any other choice) then that’s a different story. But she’s little more than a toddler.

Am I being unreasonable in wanting to propose a compromise and to have the school record amended to remove the ‘vegan diet’ requirement?

I am a vegetarian & spent many years as a vegan before giving it up after a period of illness. Your ex is being contemptuous of the basic principles of co-parenting and this needs to be stopped.

I would contact the school in writing & inform them that this is incorrect; that you do not agree to your daughter being restricted to a vegan diet at school (because yes it is a restriction); that you want this label, to which you have not consented, removed from her records, & that she can choose her own food at school. (Because it is a label, ie a departure from the norm, the default if parents cannot agree is to remove the label.)

You also need to deal with your ex’s behaviour. Do you have a parenting plan? If not I think as a first step you need one & would start looking into the cheapest way to achieve this (probably first step is to contact a mediator). The point is that if he is this contemptuous at this stage, things may get much worse further down the line.

if you can’t get a parenting agreement & your ex persists with enforcing veganism through the school - and the school goes along with this- then you may as a PP has said need a specific issue order.

I would also speak to your GP & say you have concerns about such a young child following a vegan diet half the time - what would they advise?

Personally I do think veganism is morally admirable. But it needs to be done carefully and without abandoning the basic principles involved in respectful co-parenting.

if your daughter starts refusing non-vegan food at home, this will be a big issue in the context of a non-vegan family, & I would refuse to comply with it. I mean, I would tell her that it is up to daddy what she eats at his house, while she is young, that when she is grown up she will choose her own good, but that at mum’s house we eat a wide variety of foods & it will stay that way.

Yes but she is 4 and is being told by her dad and school what she can have at lunch, she will be confused and doing what she is told (quite rightly)

ByMauveEagle
Hovered im going to send you a personal message if ok.

Even if there was one in place unless it specified on this issue it wouldn't give either of them more rights than the other especially given they share care 50/50!

The father has no unilateral right to restrict her diet at school over the co-authority of their mother.

If the father hadn’t exerted his will the daughter would have had choice of - in the school my children attend: vegan, vegetarian, meat, ham or cheese sandwich, wraps with filling of choice or a choice that included a dietary requirement such as dairy free etc.

Just ring the school and explain. It is usually the office person who deals with the lunches. (I am a teacher).

If it is completely 50/50 perhaps

But normally there is one parent with overall say for day to day care, 'the general care of the child'. Different orders have different wording according to the family circumtances of course

But there is a significant difference of opinion here, and at the moment both have equal say, so theres a problem. If dad agrees to back down, fair enough no harm done. If he doesnt and mum feels strongly enough she will have to go to court.

A vegan diet is perfectly healthy at any age.
so ignorant.

They both have equal rights, unless there is a CAO saying differently

So what mum says must be shared by dad and what dad says must be shared by mum. If they disagree and wont come to an agreement then the courts must sort it out.

Mum doesnt have unilateral right either.

What's the history between you and your ex, OP? Was he vegan when you were together, or is this a new thing? I'm vegan, my son is vegan, but I'm on your side here!

Your ex can provide vegan meals for her when she's with him, but ultimately, if she isn't vegan 100% of the time, she isn't vegan. And she shouldn't be registered as vegan at school.

It sounds tricky because he won't communicate with you, I'm not sure what your options are, unfortunately. Obviously I disagree that a 4 year old being vegan is a problem, but it's not a unilateral decision made by one parent. My son's dad (ex) actually isn't vegan, but we agreed our son would be raised vegan before we even started trying.

Stop pushing your ignorant view on a vegan diet.

Why would it be a secret? I’d have logged in and changed it already. Tell the school it was a mistake.

I probably wouldn’t mention it to him either. If she’s at a school where they ask the kids what food they want - (many now you order online as a parent) then he won’t probably even realise.

Only if administered with expert levels of care and attention. Children have died where veganism was executed poorly.

It's not him that sounds unhinged.

Report to SS because he's vegan & would rather his child's school meals were vegan.

🙄🙄🙄🙄

4 year olds don't die from vegan diets.

its insane that you really think the meat/non vegan food they get fed at school makes the difference between life & death. Or that the average uk child's diet is healthier than a vegan diet.

🙄🤣

Just tell the school she’s not vegan. Why are you so worried about what he will think of you? He’s not worried about what you think of him.

If it needs a court order, get one. They wouldn’t side with Dad on this so I don’t see what the issue is.

I guarantee a lot of vegan parents know more about their child's nutritional requirements than a lot of non-vegan parents! When my son was small I had conversations with other parents about where our kids got x, y, and z from, and the amount of non-vegan parents who had no clue what their kids should be having in their diets was unreal. And I'm not saying that makes them bad or uncaring, it's just assumed that an omni diet covers everything when in fact it doesn't always.

Same with any diet, as long as you know what you/your child needs, and how to include those things, it's perfectly healthy.

Laughing is really quite twisted when children have actually perished from Vegan parents incorrectly feeding their children a poorly executed restrictive diet. The parents of Abiyah Yasharahyalah most recently but a simple search will offer you fuother names; Ezra O’Leary, Areni Manuelyan. Parents in Italy, parents in the US, Belgium. Potentially all well meaning but unfortunately caused malnutrition to their children and ultimately death.

Which is literally what I said. Read the comment you quoted.

It isn’t the schools role to mediate disputes between parents.

Exactly. Both parents have parental responsibility. All that's going to happen here is a back and forth where OP and her ex keep swapping the information on the child's online profile, or changing her meal choices on the app.

The school cannot decide which parent they're going to listen to, and which they're going to ignore. There's a whole world of pain in their future if they do.

Seriously, who would be a teacher/HT these days? They're already overloaded and a huge fight over a pupil's meals is the last thing they need.

By all means contact them and say that she's not vegan, but don't expect that to actually achieve much. The safest thing for them to do will always be to give her the vegan option, and who can blame them if they're likely to face a complaint from a warring parent if they don't?

Or you could send her in with a packed lunch on your days and avoid the problem altogether.

And if you looked, you'd find a much higher proportion of NON-VEGAN children who died from malnutrition. But it's less dramatic and divisive for the Daily Mail to write about than people claiming to be vegan (off the top of my head, the stories you mention were about parents with very extreme diets - not vegan - things like fruitarian).

No it's not. You said vegan diets need expert care and attention. And they don't. They don't need more expert care and attention than any diet.

No they definitely wouldnt side with the father on this.

It falls under the umbrella of a restrictive diet which only one parent has imposed in this case. It’s a red flag, as it was with many of these children but unfortunately the authorities didn’t get involved for reasons unknown but I could guess at.

Brilliant response