Diet restriction imposed by school and father

[ByMauveEagle]

Hi All, I’ve a little issue that I’d like a second opinion on. I equally share care of 4-year old daughter with her father. She has recently started school and I just noticed that he has entered on her online profile (without consulting me) that she is vegan. It is on the catering staff’s records now and when she chooses a meal in the mornings she is being told “no you can’t have that you’re vegan”. She eats meat-based meals half the days of the week and has eaten meat all of her life. There was one instance lately of her saying “no I don’t eat meat” at home, but since then she declares that her favourite foods are “lamb, meatballs and sausages”. So, as far as the wishes of a 4 year old count, she certainly does not wish to eat only vegan food.

I fear that being labelled vegan will single her out, may affect her healthy attitude towards food (being told that some foods are bad etc), will confuse her when she is denied her choices at school, and more importantly will lead to her saying “I’m not eating that homemade shepherds pie tonight mummy because my teachers say that I’m vegan”.

I fully acknowledge that her dad can prepare any food he wishes at home. But when I am dropping my daughter off in the morning and collecting her in the evening she isn’t by any definition “in his care”. Without both parents’ consent, without a court order setting out her diet, and against her wishes (she is asking for meat and being refused it), I don’t believe it’s a school’s right to dictate to me and my child what she eats and restrict her to a specific diet.

I have suggested a compromise of dad asking her to choose certain vegan dishes on “his” days (the menus are on the school website). Or he could prepare her a packed lunch. But “dad” just ignores me. If I push the issue then I’ll be accused of all sorts: a bad co-parent, hostile etc.

Is this something I can/should do something about? I don’t want this shaping and influencing the rest of her life and being a label placed on her against her (and my) wishes. And I don’t want any instances at tea time where she refuses to eat the meal that’s been cooked for her with her family. If she gets to 12 years old and is adamant that she’s a vegan (or any other choice) then that’s a different story. But she’s little more than a toddler.

Am I being unreasonable in wanting to propose a compromise and to have the school record amended to remove the ‘vegan diet’ requirement?

All you need to do is phone the office and tell them that your DD isn't vegan. They can correct it for you. Don't draw attention to it with us your ex, just do it.

Ring the school and tell her she is not vegan. I had the school ring me shortly after dc started school because I had chosen a non halal option. I explained he eats non halal meat apart from pork and they were fine with it.

book a meeting with the school head - tell them the child is not vegan and eats meat at home. This is something father would like to enforce but has not been granted the right to by the courts (nor do I think he would be tbh) If the courts grant this then you will let school know but until this is the case the child is not vegan and please can they remove this from their records.

then hopefully if father complains they’ll ask for the court order as proof-which I don’t think he’ll be granted.

Years ago when I worked in a nursery we had a young girl who had a Muslim father and a non Muslim mother. The parents had split up, but the father wanted her raised as a Muslim, and therefore not eating pork/ham etc. The child was usually fed a pork free diet at nursery, but if ever she asked to have what the others were having she was given it.The mother believed it was the child's choice.

Having lived with an ex like this for a long time - it doesn't matter what he thinks of you,.or what he accuses you of. What matters is that you keep putting your child's needs first

No they won’t, it’s like saying Mum doesn’t have a court order saying the child is NOT vegan, so therefore she is! Both parents have PR and both can decide if they want the child to be classified as vegan/non vegan. It isn’t the schools role to mediate disputes between parents.
Schools are stuck between a rock and a hard place!

Can someone explain to me why one parent’s dietary choice overrides another’s?
If one parent was Jewish or Muslim and therefore didn’t eat pork, should the other parent feed the child pork? If the mum was vegetarian and the dad not, would it be ok for him to give their child meat?
Do people honestly expect a vegan couple to feed their child meat?
It’s such a tricky thing to decide because neither parent is in the wrong.

Really? That’s absolutely awful!

I don't know why everyone here carping on about "he doesn't have the right" doesn't understand that if he doesn't have the right to unilaterally decide she's vegan then OP doesn't have the unilateral right to decide she isn't.

Isn’t this what the father is doing though?

Veganism is not healthy for a 4 year old. The child eats meat. Hence is not a vegan and should not be forced into it.

There are millions of children who are successfully raised as vegan. One parent with PR wants her to be raised as vegan one doesnt. One parent’s choice does not override the other and in this case where they cannot agree on such an important issue then it has to be up to the courts to decide. Change vegan for sweets. What would your argument be then?
https://www.greenpeace.org.uk/news/world-cultures-and-religions-plant-based-vegetarian-vegan-diet/
https://www.bmj.com/content/375/bmj.n2792/rr

The child is obviously not vegan as she eats meat at home.

Going to court over this is the absolute last resort and should be avoided at all costs.

She just needs to inform the school that she's not vegan, she eats vegan food in her dad's care but presuming the dad knows she's not vegan with mum then he has no right to determine what she eats at school.

Do you think the father doesn't know that the child isn't vegan with mum? Going to court to adjudicate over a child's diet is the worst possible idea. No parents should be advised to involve the family court in their parenting unless they absolutely have to. If the father knows that the child eats meat with mum then they won't rule that she should not eat meat at school. A court application would be a waste of time.

Veganism is fine if both parents agree. But the question of whether being vegan is ok is not the point of this thread.

Change it to sweets? 😂 How on earth is that comparable?

A vegan diet lacks essential nutrients needed for a child of that age. Ask any health professional which one is healthier for a 4 year old. A balanced diet including meat and dairy or a vegan diet lacking in nutrients. I’m fairly sure a judge is not going to force OP to swap to an unhealthy diet especially when the child eats and enjoys meat.

My grandma was forced to be a vegan as a child and has had life long problems with osteoporosis. The consultant confirmed this was most likely down to a lack of calcium as a child.

Please sort this out with your child's father.

The school can't win here and can't please you both.

I'd suggest the compromise to dad of a vegan diet on Dad days and non vegan mum days. If dad disagrees, then have the same conversation with school.

You'll come across as reasonable and he'll look like a dick.

Look, I'm vegan, raised my child vegetarian with agreement from his father even after we split. I support raising children vegetarian or vegan if both parents agree. But in this case the mother isn't insisting the child should eat meat at school, she's saying the child should have a choice, because she's NOT vegan, she eats meat with her mum. Neither parent should be restricting the child's food choices at school whether that's saying no meat or only meat. But the mother isn't saying only meat is she?

Whether or not it's ok to raise children vegan isn't the issue of this thread. Derailing it is unhelpful.

But why should the school take mums's instructions over dad's? Both parents have PR and 50/50 care.

Go to the school reception and say there is a mistake on her file and get it changed this morning.

When parents are separated each parent has the choice of how they parent on their time. Ideally they will agree, but if they don't, they get to do what they think is right during their time. So an atheist parent can tell the child they don't believe in god or give the child pork or whatever, and the religious parent can take them to church/mosque and restrict pork or whatever they think is right. This isn't a vegan couple, it's one vegan and one not, who aren't in a relationship and are making their own choices.

I take your point. That's why OP needs to speak to her ex about it. But ultimately the child isn't vegan. She might follow the 'rules' at age 4 but by the time she's 7/8 she won't be.

Exactly but I guess it’s because it the father has given the instruction. TBH I don’t see the issue. If the child is spending 50% of her time with dad she must having vegan food at home with him also.