Diet restriction imposed by school and father

[ByMauveEagle]

Hi All, I’ve a little issue that I’d like a second opinion on. I equally share care of 4-year old daughter with her father. She has recently started school and I just noticed that he has entered on her online profile (without consulting me) that she is vegan. It is on the catering staff’s records now and when she chooses a meal in the mornings she is being told “no you can’t have that you’re vegan”. She eats meat-based meals half the days of the week and has eaten meat all of her life. There was one instance lately of her saying “no I don’t eat meat” at home, but since then she declares that her favourite foods are “lamb, meatballs and sausages”. So, as far as the wishes of a 4 year old count, she certainly does not wish to eat only vegan food.

I fear that being labelled vegan will single her out, may affect her healthy attitude towards food (being told that some foods are bad etc), will confuse her when she is denied her choices at school, and more importantly will lead to her saying “I’m not eating that homemade shepherds pie tonight mummy because my teachers say that I’m vegan”.

I fully acknowledge that her dad can prepare any food he wishes at home. But when I am dropping my daughter off in the morning and collecting her in the evening she isn’t by any definition “in his care”. Without both parents’ consent, without a court order setting out her diet, and against her wishes (she is asking for meat and being refused it), I don’t believe it’s a school’s right to dictate to me and my child what she eats and restrict her to a specific diet.

I have suggested a compromise of dad asking her to choose certain vegan dishes on “his” days (the menus are on the school website). Or he could prepare her a packed lunch. But “dad” just ignores me. If I push the issue then I’ll be accused of all sorts: a bad co-parent, hostile etc.

Is this something I can/should do something about? I don’t want this shaping and influencing the rest of her life and being a label placed on her against her (and my) wishes. And I don’t want any instances at tea time where she refuses to eat the meal that’s been cooked for her with her family. If she gets to 12 years old and is adamant that she’s a vegan (or any other choice) then that’s a different story. But she’s little more than a toddler.

Am I being unreasonable in wanting to propose a compromise and to have the school record amended to remove the ‘vegan diet’ requirement?

How can you take equal accounts of both parents when one is saying the child is a vegan and the other is saying she isn't?

No, she's in the school's care.

School is a non vegan environment and she is a non vegan child.

So the only issue is that her dad is a twat.

Because she's 4. In this case she doesn't get a vote.

So why does the man's vote trump the woman's vote?

It doesn't, it shouldn't, but it's for the parents to agree what they are going to tell school, not for school to adjudicate which parent they will listen to.

That's easier said than done when you are dealing with someone completely unreasonable.

One of the basic principles of democracy is that everything is permitted unless it is prohibited. So where the parents cannot agree and there is no compelling reason why it (eating meat products) should be prohibited, the presumption should be that it is permitted. If the OP went to court the judge would rule in her favour for obvious reasons.

No doubt. But it would be a dreadful process, hardly worth it, for something the child can decide for herself in a few short years.

She can decide she wants to be vegan later, when she's old enough to understand what that means.

For now, her dad shouldn't get to impose his lifestyle choices on her.

Hopefully the school will take the same approach when the OP explains that her daughter is not, and has never been vegan.

And @ByMauveEagle when you complain to the school, don't tell them that you allow your daughter to eat meat. Tell them that you do not consent to her being fed a restricted diet.

And children never die of neglect and starvation due to ignorance on the part of omnivorous parents 🙄

Its entirely possible to raise a healthy child on a vegan diet, just as it is possible to raise a healthy vegetarian or omnivore. Its equally possible for a child to be malnourished on any of those diets.

Vegan children in this situation will always attract more press coverage but there are plenty of malnourished children in omnivore families - they just don’t get the attention unless there are other factors in the story. Tabloid reports do not make good factual data for an argument.

None of this helps the OP.

@ByMauveEagle my challenge to the school when they demand the father’s consent for a change would be why they hadn’t required your consent for the change to vegan (or original form).

I’m also surprised the school has someone actually checking each child’s meal and blocking them from choosing something other than vegan. I’ve only ever heard of this being done for children with allergies/medical conditions (and not always then).

The child is objectively not a vegan. Eating vegan food some of the time does not make a person a vegan. There is absolutely no reason why you couldn't or shouldn't tell the school this.

No, but honestly that's not the school's business or concern. If the parents tell the school she needs to have a vegan diet at school it doesn't matter what she eats at home. The issue here is that the parents don't agree. The school is in a crap situation and they can't decide which parent gets their way.

This!!! Just get on and do it. The child is not vegan, end of. Tell DH he can cook vegan but she can eat meat at school and at yours. What a prat he is.

But the default position is that she has a normal diet.

So if the OP says that she DOES NOT CONSENT to her daughter being put on a restricted diet, her ex shouldn't be able to overrule her.

But the mother can overall the father?

Derailing this thread.

There was a thread yesterday from someone working in a school office, saying what a difficult day they had and is it always like this in a school office.

Here is a good example of what we had to deal with when I worked in the school office.

This issue is between the two parents, one of them has put the child down as vegan on a form, and now according to the other parent the school are "imposing" a restricted diet because they are following the instructions given. And some posters are suggesting she should complain to the school!

The school has done nothing wrong and the office staff will likely get dragged into it as one or other parent will be cross whichever way it goes.

Yes, because the default position is that she eats a normal diet. He is the one who wants something out of the ordinary, something neither the child nor the child's other parent wants, purely because of his own beliefs.

The OP is the one whose consent is required here, not his.

The other parent is quite correct, as is the OP.

Dealing with difficult parents like the OP's ex is part of the job, unfortunately.

The child shouldn't be placed on a restricted diet against her own and her mother's wishes just because the school can't be bothered to deal with the dad. The school should say they've taken legal advice and it turns out they need both parents' consent to place a child on a restricted diet for non-medical reasons, oh dear, what a shame.

If you can't sort this out between you as adults for your child regardless of how difficult it is, you are going to end up dragging your child and the school into a never ending and ridiculous tug of war drama. Approximately 5 years ago you created a child together. Is there genuinely really no way you can sort this out as grown ups?

Probably only by building a time machine, going back 6 years in time and not having a baby with a man-child in the first place.

They can't they'll just get caught in the crossfire along with the child. I feel sorry for the school- and the child. I'm not saying its OPs fault I'm saying as parents sort it out or if you can't get an order.

The OP shouldn't be forced to go to court and her child shouldn't be denied a normal diet at school for the time it takes to go to court and get a judge to confirm what every reasonable person already knows. The school should just remove the restriction and tell the dad that their hands are tied, they can't put the child on a restricted diet if her mother does not consent, and that he'll have to take the mother to court and get a judge to order that his daughter eats a vegan diet. Which of course will never happen.

Why is only one parent’s consent needed?

Because what is needed is her consent to what he is demanding.

And she doesn't give it.

You want the school to lie to Dad?