Diet restriction imposed by school and father

[ByMauveEagle]

Hi All, I’ve a little issue that I’d like a second opinion on. I equally share care of 4-year old daughter with her father. She has recently started school and I just noticed that he has entered on her online profile (without consulting me) that she is vegan. It is on the catering staff’s records now and when she chooses a meal in the mornings she is being told “no you can’t have that you’re vegan”. She eats meat-based meals half the days of the week and has eaten meat all of her life. There was one instance lately of her saying “no I don’t eat meat” at home, but since then she declares that her favourite foods are “lamb, meatballs and sausages”. So, as far as the wishes of a 4 year old count, she certainly does not wish to eat only vegan food.

I fear that being labelled vegan will single her out, may affect her healthy attitude towards food (being told that some foods are bad etc), will confuse her when she is denied her choices at school, and more importantly will lead to her saying “I’m not eating that homemade shepherds pie tonight mummy because my teachers say that I’m vegan”.

I fully acknowledge that her dad can prepare any food he wishes at home. But when I am dropping my daughter off in the morning and collecting her in the evening she isn’t by any definition “in his care”. Without both parents’ consent, without a court order setting out her diet, and against her wishes (she is asking for meat and being refused it), I don’t believe it’s a school’s right to dictate to me and my child what she eats and restrict her to a specific diet.

I have suggested a compromise of dad asking her to choose certain vegan dishes on “his” days (the menus are on the school website). Or he could prepare her a packed lunch. But “dad” just ignores me. If I push the issue then I’ll be accused of all sorts: a bad co-parent, hostile etc.

Is this something I can/should do something about? I don’t want this shaping and influencing the rest of her life and being a label placed on her against her (and my) wishes. And I don’t want any instances at tea time where she refuses to eat the meal that’s been cooked for her with her family. If she gets to 12 years old and is adamant that she’s a vegan (or any other choice) then that’s a different story. But she’s little more than a toddler.

Am I being unreasonable in wanting to propose a compromise and to have the school record amended to remove the ‘vegan diet’ requirement?

Safeguarding and social services? Are you high?!

The school records would also show she formerly ate meat. Stepping away from what mum or dad says there would be an objective record to base the decision on

But asking the court to get involved in this decision is like using a sledgehammer to crack a nut. The family court system is awful. It should be avoided if possible.

It isn’t the school that is the problem here. It’s dad! School are doing what they think parents want!

For those making this about ‘is veganism valid’- that’s not really the question.

If my husband rang the school to say my kids are no longer vegetarian so please let them select meat options I’d be in the same position.

Alert the school to the disagreement and ask them to honour historic precedent while you either reach an agreement or a court makes the decision for you (likely taking historic diet into account). He can still send her a vegan packed lunch in the interim, nothing stopping him doing that.

Yes I initially suggested talking to dad, and then going to mediation with court as the ultimate backstop

Or just take a more conciliatory approach and tell her (and your ex) that ok she’s vegan at school and with him but eats meat at home. I can’t see that is confusing for her? I think taking a ballistic line wuth ex and school will make matters worse, frankly. Vegan is perfectly healthy 🤷🏻‍♀️ But if you want to make a big hoo-ha then that is your right, as these decisions should be agreed between co-parents not unilaterally decided.

People are actually like this.

Whilst I agree this should have been discussed between both parents, some people's attitudes towards meat free diets are unhinged.

Write politely to the school and point out she eats meat and lists it among her favorite dishes. I would state I do not want my child to have a restricted diet. Check the school guidelines to see if there are any rules to follow.

Anything in the custody agreement that outlines how this sort of disagreement should be resolved.

If she is on a vegan diet is it broad enough/does she have supplements. If she is being fed things along the lines of pizzas with vegan cheese there will be a large gap in nutrition.

I dunno, if he’s unilaterally messaged the school like this I wonder if outlining to him that he can’t expect to do that going forward, and that OP is aware of the mechanisms she can use to advocate for her own PR might be helpful- he’s obviously not taken a conciliatory approach himself and I wonder if there may be other issues going forward they might need to agree on- setting the precedent he can force things through might store up issues for later

Email to school ‘Please add a note on my daughter’s record for your information: Father wishes her to be classed as vegan however she does eat chicken, beef, fish, lamb, pork, cheese, drink milk and eat eggs at Mother’s house (50% residency). Therefore, she has never been vegan and has a preference for x y and z at Mother’s house.

List the foods you give her and her preferences at this time.

Even if that were universally true (which it is not, in the modern world it is possible to be a healthy vegan right from weaning* with sufficient care), this child won't be missing any 'essential nutrients' as the mum can feed her whatever she wants to at her house. Eating vegan lunches wouldn't give her a vegan dietary profile overall - and at primary school the vegan school dinner is likely to frequently be jacket potato and baked beans with cucumber/carrot, which loads of the children choose every day anyway.

*or birth depending if you consider milk given voluntarily by a human to be vegan.

Tricky. Not sure how it can be resolved-ideally you should both have an equal say but that’s not possible, obviously. Could he give her a vegan packed lunch on “his” days?

Surely if OP doesn’t need a court order to change the info to non-vegan, the father wouldn’t need one to change it back? There’s no reason the school must listen to OP, but can only listen to the father if he has a court order

I agree with the theory that it should be the child’s choice, but that isn’t the view the school would take if two vegan parents said their child was vegan but the child wanted the meat option. They presumably aren’t going to give more weight to OP’s view of choice over the father’s view of wanting her to have vegan food.

I think rationally it makes sense to let the child decide each day what they want, like the other children do. I just disagree with the idea that the school will just follow OP’s wishes and agree to refuse to follow the father’s.

But I will say that I don’t think all of OP’s fears are valid. She won’t be singled out, the children are all picking different things and some will bring in packed lunch. No one will look at one meal and think “weird, why is she having that, she’s strange”. Plus other children may incidentally end up with a vegan option because the main option is vegan - tomato pasta, jacket potato with beans etc. This isn’t unusual at my DD’s school. So she won’t always be eating something different. And there may be other children who are vegan, or who have the vegan option because it’s halal or kosher.
And OP’s desire for her child to have choice doesn’t seem to extend to home, where she does not want her child to say “I don’t want to eat meat”.

I’ve a little more time to come back to this now.

Unless there is a court order one parent doesn’t get to dictate overall dietary decisions over the other parent. Particularly if they are dictating a restrictive diet with no medical reason.

I promise you all schools want to know if there are co-parenting disputes that could affect the emotional or physical wellbeing of a child under their care. It can show a pattern of behaviour that down the line could help build a picture of an unhealthy or damaging dynamic, so if and when you went back to court having paperwork to support your claims of say - coercive control, supporting paperwork would be beneficial.

As an aside from what I’ve witnessed a vegan lunch is often a bought-in UPF with veggie sides so if the father is thinking this is a healthier lunch than a meatball in tomato sauce for example, he is mistaken.

Good Luck!

I have been in this position, my 2 children ate meat at my house, but their father became a vegan and insisted they were also a vegan at school and at his. The children then aged 4 and 5, lived with me and saw their father a couple of times a week. Yes it was very confusing for them, but I think it was confusing mainly due to his intentions rather than what they ate. Eg he was doing this for control (part of a much bigger picture). He would tell them how nasty i was for not being a vegan and graffic information about what happens to the animals etc etc. That was the bit that was harmful and confusing.
Bear in mind you both have the children 50% of the time, and you both i guess have PR? Then he has as much right to say she's a vegan as you don't! The school have also done nothing wrong. There is nothing wrong with being a vegan, if thats what you choose, it's just not your preference.
First of all is this part of a much bigger issue? For me it was and that made a massive difference? Can you arrange a meeting with him or go to mediation? If no, then I would just explain to the child that thats just what happens at daddies and at school but at your house things are different and you do eat meet.
My children (now at secondary school) have long long ago gone back to eating some meet, but have never been hugely keen.

Then he has as much right to say she's a vegan as you don't!

He can say she's a vegan all he likes, but he's wrong, because she isn't! He doesn't have the right to insist she is vegan because they share care.

Exactly. That post was confusing. So the omnivore has no right over the vegan to claim authority and yet the vegan won out at school. Why?

It's not comparable to an allergy because eating food you are allergic to could have serious health consequences. Being vegan is a lifestyle choice. And it's not a lifestyle choice the OP or her daughter have made.

A vegan diet is not usually healthy for a growing and developing child because it often misses some essential nutrients. If you do a bit of research on this and present it to the school it may help you to convince school staff that she should be allowed to make her own choices and they are wrong to be forcing her to choose vegan food only.

This is the objective information you and the child’s father need.

School and local authority staff must treat all parents equally, unless a court order limits a parent’s ability to make educational decisions, participate in school life or receive information about their child. In most circumstances, the question a school must ask itself when making decisions is not just whether a parent holds parental responsibility but whether they are a parent under education law.
All parents also have legal obligations under section 7 of the Education Act 1996 – for example, to ensure that a child of compulsory school age receives a suitable full-time education.
If a parent’s action or proposed action contravenes the school’s ability to act in the child’s best interests, the school should try to resolve the problem with the parent but avoid becoming involved in any conflict. However, there may be occasions when a school needs to decline requests for action from one or more parents.
In cases where schools cannot resolve the conflict between separated parents, they should advise the aggrieved parent to pursue the matter through the family court.

If this can't be resolved you will need to go to court.

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/dealing-with-issues-relating-to-parental-responsibility/understanding-and-dealing-with-issues-relating-to-parental-responsibility

No, she can't persuade the school to agree with her. Parents are allowed to make decisions about their child's diet. The issue is here that the parents don't agree, not which parent is right.

Would you consider the child to have a choice?

Have you actually spoken to the school? Just tell them she isn’t vegan. You are being a bit of a wet fish trying to dance around him and suggest all these alternatives. Just speak to the safeguarding lead, say she isn’t vegan, eats meat at home, and needs free choice of meals for her school dinners.

Asking a 4yo to choose on a binary issue they know their parents disagree on is never going to be in their interests.

Ideally parents would co-parent co-operatives with space for the child’s voice but we are now beyond that