Diet restriction imposed by school and father

[ByMauveEagle]

Hi All, I’ve a little issue that I’d like a second opinion on. I equally share care of 4-year old daughter with her father. She has recently started school and I just noticed that he has entered on her online profile (without consulting me) that she is vegan. It is on the catering staff’s records now and when she chooses a meal in the mornings she is being told “no you can’t have that you’re vegan”. She eats meat-based meals half the days of the week and has eaten meat all of her life. There was one instance lately of her saying “no I don’t eat meat” at home, but since then she declares that her favourite foods are “lamb, meatballs and sausages”. So, as far as the wishes of a 4 year old count, she certainly does not wish to eat only vegan food.

I fear that being labelled vegan will single her out, may affect her healthy attitude towards food (being told that some foods are bad etc), will confuse her when she is denied her choices at school, and more importantly will lead to her saying “I’m not eating that homemade shepherds pie tonight mummy because my teachers say that I’m vegan”.

I fully acknowledge that her dad can prepare any food he wishes at home. But when I am dropping my daughter off in the morning and collecting her in the evening she isn’t by any definition “in his care”. Without both parents’ consent, without a court order setting out her diet, and against her wishes (she is asking for meat and being refused it), I don’t believe it’s a school’s right to dictate to me and my child what she eats and restrict her to a specific diet.

I have suggested a compromise of dad asking her to choose certain vegan dishes on “his” days (the menus are on the school website). Or he could prepare her a packed lunch. But “dad” just ignores me. If I push the issue then I’ll be accused of all sorts: a bad co-parent, hostile etc.

Is this something I can/should do something about? I don’t want this shaping and influencing the rest of her life and being a label placed on her against her (and my) wishes. And I don’t want any instances at tea time where she refuses to eat the meal that’s been cooked for her with her family. If she gets to 12 years old and is adamant that she’s a vegan (or any other choice) then that’s a different story. But she’s little more than a toddler.

Am I being unreasonable in wanting to propose a compromise and to have the school record amended to remove the ‘vegan diet’ requirement?

That's not the default because there is no agreed definition of a 'normal' diet! Eating meat is a choice, it's not 'normal' any more than vegetarian or vegan or pork free or kosher or halal diets are 'normal'

No, eating all food is the default.

Not eating X, Y or Z is a diet restriction.

If it makes it easier for them to tell him to piss off, why not?

He lied to the school when he said his daughter was a vegan.

Theres no such thing as a 'normal' diet. Schools arent there to judge and pick which parent they think is right or what aligns with their own cultural practice or habits

A parent, with PR has told the school x, y, z about his daughter

OP can try to correct that, but he can just go back and add it again and so on it goes

If he wont agree, she needs to go to court.

A normal diet is one without restrictions.

He's trying to impose restrictions on his daughter's diet. The OP doesn't consent to that. So she tells the school she doesn't consent to the restrictions.

Her decision trumps his here.

You dont seem to understand the law. You keep repeating the same thing obver and over

Neither of their decisions trump the others. They both have PR and they both get to inform school of their choice for their daughter. because there is no order in place giving one parent the right to make choices about the day to day care of the child. The school cannot judge which parent it wants to take precedence.

A normal diet is whats normal for that house, person, culture, religion whatever it is
There are millions of people in the world who dont eat meat, that is a normal diet.

so If a vegetarian family send there child to school and the school decides to give the child meat that would be ok because it’s down to the school as the child’s is in there care ?

the problem here is 2 people with the same rights and authority have different views and the child care NETHER is wrong
but the problem is nether is prepared to back down

The problem here is that the school are giving priority to the father’s wishes and ignoring the others. They both have PR and it sounds like care is 50/50.

If the school insist the OP must have the DFs permission to make a change, they should have required the DM to agree to the DF’s making a change. The school have given trumps to the DF, ignoring the wishes of both child and DM in this scenario.

At home for sure, the DF can feed the child how he wishes unless its harmful.

I’m just surprised at schools having staff to monitor the lunch time food choices of a child with no medical condition.

That’s just a circular argument because if they prioritise the mum they are ignoring the father

Can't the nursery and compromise? Vegan o. His days not on yours?

If an allergy or dietary requirement had been set up for your dc both parents will need to agree to change that on the school system as one parent cant override the other. This would then need to be passed onto the catering company. I'm a school catering manager so deal with dietary and allergy menus daily. In this situation I would have a full menu for your DC based on the dietary requirements that have been filled in by a parent which I must adhere to. The only change i can make is if an option has been chosen that isn't included on the special dietary menu and then it must be something that is on the menu eg roast chicken is ordered but its quorn on their menu so I can change their meal to align with dietary requirements and their menu. I can't change their menu based on the parent the child is with on certain days.

Unless of course there is a court order in place

This. Absolutely this.

Where a child has 2 homes. The school should not have accepted the word of one to place child on a restricted diet. Should require agreement of both.

when I wanted to change my child to a non dairy menu, I required evidence to support that change. Given it was an intolerance, Rather than allergy, tricky to evidence. However both dad and I supported it and explained why it was necessary and eventually it was accepted.

hence. I am shocked OP school took the word of dad without reference to mum!!!

No its pointing out the inconsistency - they are ignoring the DM’s PR is equal to the DFs. They should not be requiring the DM to get the DFs approval when they did not treat the DF in the same way.

In this scenario the child is unhappy with the vegan choices as well and therefore I’d lean toward telling the parents to come to an agreement or get a court order and in the mean time letting the child have a free choice from flesh based, vegetarian or vegan options.

That is in the best interest of the child (which should be the priority) as it removes the drama and conflict from day to day eating which can create future food issues. Over time the child may prefer one diet or a mix but assuming all lunches comply with nutritional requirements it really doesn’t matter nutritionally which she eats day to day.

I’m mainly surprised a school has sufficient staff to monitor children’s food choices in this way.

Speak to him. Can you change it back in the system?
The school will not want to get involved in bickering parents. It's your issue, not theirs,. From their perspective it's easier not to provide meat as this is the inoffensive option.

You can choose to send a packed lunch on your days - the same you are suggesting he does.

From someone who's actually been in this situation, the reality is actually the school arnt bothered.
Only one parent fills out the initial paperwork that says what the child can/carnt eat, allergies etc etc. Then you usually choose the menu on line, several meal options and puddings and you just tick the one you want. The only time the child's meal is questioned is the school have run out of the option you ticked and need to offered an alternative.
None of this needs both parents signature. If there is a dispute the school wont want to get involved, they are encouraged to take a mutual stance, they are advised to do this by their legal team.
The school will step in if there is a safeguarding situation (obviously) or there is a court order in place. This is not a school issue, this is a parenting issue.
The op needs to find a resolution for this situation, but this won't involve the school. Mediation and drawing up a parenting plan would be better, but not legally binding. Failing that a court order, but thats a massive undertaking.
When this happened to my children the father made a massive seen about them being vegan (they weren't vegan before), when they all say on the mat and drank milk, suddenly our kids weren't allowed. It was confusing and distressing for them. Another child's birthday, and they couldn't have the cake, sweets etc they they handed out in school, again it was confusing as they had been allowed them before. For me it was part of a much bigger situation which resolved as yhere was a no contact order granted. But I do know the school couldn't get involved.