Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Diet restriction imposed by school and father

266 replies

ByMauveEagle · 01/10/2025 23:30

Hi All, I’ve a little issue that I’d like a second opinion on. I equally share care of 4-year old daughter with her father. She has recently started school and I just noticed that he has entered on her online profile (without consulting me) that she is vegan. It is on the catering staff’s records now and when she chooses a meal in the mornings she is being told “no you can’t have that you’re vegan”. She eats meat-based meals half the days of the week and has eaten meat all of her life. There was one instance lately of her saying “no I don’t eat meat” at home, but since then she declares that her favourite foods are “lamb, meatballs and sausages”. So, as far as the wishes of a 4 year old count, she certainly does not wish to eat only vegan food.

I fear that being labelled vegan will single her out, may affect her healthy attitude towards food (being told that some foods are bad etc), will confuse her when she is denied her choices at school, and more importantly will lead to her saying “I’m not eating that homemade shepherds pie tonight mummy because my teachers say that I’m vegan”.

I fully acknowledge that her dad can prepare any food he wishes at home. But when I am dropping my daughter off in the morning and collecting her in the evening she isn’t by any definition “in his care”. Without both parents’ consent, without a court order setting out her diet, and against her wishes (she is asking for meat and being refused it), I don’t believe it’s a school’s right to dictate to me and my child what she eats and restrict her to a specific diet.

I have suggested a compromise of dad asking her to choose certain vegan dishes on “his” days (the menus are on the school website). Or he could prepare her a packed lunch. But “dad” just ignores me. If I push the issue then I’ll be accused of all sorts: a bad co-parent, hostile etc.

Is this something I can/should do something about? I don’t want this shaping and influencing the rest of her life and being a label placed on her against her (and my) wishes. And I don’t want any instances at tea time where she refuses to eat the meal that’s been cooked for her with her family. If she gets to 12 years old and is adamant that she’s a vegan (or any other choice) then that’s a different story. But she’s little more than a toddler.

Am I being unreasonable in wanting to propose a compromise and to have the school record amended to remove the ‘vegan diet’ requirement?

OP posts:
gertrudemortimer · 02/10/2025 07:49

I struggled with a similar scenario when my ex met his new partner and my son was 5, he also tried to convince me to change my diet. I didn’t budge and continued as normal, he never informed the school but if he had of done I would have changed it back to a normal diet with them too.

ScarlettSunset · 02/10/2025 07:51

I don't blame you for being upset over this.
Your child clearly isn't vegan as she happily eats meat when she is with you. Her dad is forcing his choice on her diet onto all of her school meals.
Do please contact the school and put them right about this.
He can feed her vegan food when she is with him.
If she wants to become vegan when she's older then that's up to her.

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 02/10/2025 07:52

I would arrange a meeting with the school and highlight your concerns.

He has railroaded his preferences on her diet and overridden your desires, which I think is a huge red flag for a need to control

and probably part of the reason your relationship broke down.

Id want the school to know your daughter has no allergies and that a Vegan option is the preferred option for her dad and not her and seeing that he is not eating the meal you would like your daughter to be able to eat from the whole menu and make her own choices.

Id love to see how they push back from that very reasonable request. Report back please.

helpfulperson · 02/10/2025 07:52

fashionqueen0123 · 02/10/2025 07:43

Go to the school reception and say there is a mistake on her file and get it changed this morning.

And then next time Dad is dropping off he goes in and tells the school to change it back to vegan. Which he has the right to do because of PR. It really isn't a case of what mum says goes.

Ratafia · 02/10/2025 07:53

NaiceBalonz · 02/10/2025 07:25

I don't know why everyone here carping on about "he doesn't have the right" doesn't understand that if he doesn't have the right to unilaterally decide she's vegan then OP doesn't have the unilateral right to decide she isn't.

It's not a matter of OP making a decision, though. The simple fact is that this child is not vegan. She is perfectly happy to eat meat.

Burningbud1981 · 02/10/2025 07:53

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 02/10/2025 07:52

I would arrange a meeting with the school and highlight your concerns.

He has railroaded his preferences on her diet and overridden your desires, which I think is a huge red flag for a need to control

and probably part of the reason your relationship broke down.

Id want the school to know your daughter has no allergies and that a Vegan option is the preferred option for her dad and not her and seeing that he is not eating the meal you would like your daughter to be able to eat from the whole menu and make her own choices.

Id love to see how they push back from that very reasonable request. Report back please.

She doesn’t need the waste the schools time having a meeting over this. They followed the instructions of a person who has parental responsibility and is able to make that decision.

PathOfLeastResitance · 02/10/2025 07:58

Schools love it when they are put in the middle of a parental dispute. It’s utterly the school’s job and they have nothing else to do apart from mediate between warring adults.
Certainly don’t go through the courts, if needed, to sort this formally. School is the deciding authority on all things.

TheatricalLife · 02/10/2025 08:01

How frustrating.
If he really isn't going to budge on this one and will make life difficult, I'd do her a non vegan packed lunch on my days instead of asking him to do a vegan one on his. Yes, it's bloody annoying.

Han86 · 02/10/2025 08:02

This is a difficult one where parents don't agree. You need to speak to the school and the dad to get an agreement that everyone is aware of. It is incredibly awkward in school when you know one parent has said one thing but the other wants something else (as a TA I defer to teachers to deal with this and often it defaults to with what is on the system or phone calls home which makes it a bit more awkward for the child).

Lots of posters are saying mum can just change it, but if the dad also has parental responsibility and cares for the child 50:50 with the mum then I don't think it is that simple that his rights are ignored and I am sure it this was the other way round and it was mum saying the child was vegan and dad wanting to change this the responses would differ with everyone favouring the mum again.

NamelessNancy · 02/10/2025 08:03

Vegan can refer to food or people. All people can eat vegan food. Vegan people only eat vegan food.

It sounds like the father is vegan. The DD is not but she eats only vegan food when with him. This is all perfectly OK. He shouldn't have the right to dictate what options she has at school though, particularly given that she eats meat when with the DM. Perhaps the best compromise would be to encourage her to choose vegan on "dad's days?". I do feel for school finding themselves involved in this though.

FiredFromACannon · 02/10/2025 08:04

Ask the school if they can change it to vegan on dads days and not on your days, shouldn’t be too hard to write down vegan Monday-Tuesday not vegan Wednesday-Friday or whatever!

TheaBrandt1 · 02/10/2025 08:06

Coming out the other side of a perfectly normal happy teen who out of nowhere developed an ED I would be extremely wary of embedding the idea of cutting out food groups. Dd used the excuse of only eating “healthy” food to cut out swathes of food to dangerous effect. Can lead to unhealthy thinking. She can choose this when older once safe eating embedded.

freakingscared · 02/10/2025 08:10

Who is the main carer for her or the resident parent ? If you then change it .

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 02/10/2025 08:10

Burningbud1981 · 02/10/2025 07:53

She doesn’t need the waste the schools time having a meeting over this. They followed the instructions of a person who has parental responsibility and is able to make that decision.

Show quote history

Don’t be ridiculous

Viviennemary · 02/10/2025 08:19

Darragon · 02/10/2025 03:34

Well, no, complaining to dad at this point is obviously a silly waste of time that won’t move them forward. Communicating with the school very clearly about the situation, asking them to sort it out, and making a complaint if it isn’t resolved at school is the only course of action that will actually solve the problem, which is presumably what OP wants. If dad wants to force her to be vegan he needs to get a court order and in absence of that, the school shouldn’t be enforcing a restrictive diet on an unwilling child.

Show quote history

The school has done nothing wrong. They have followed the instructions of the Dad who said she is vegan. This is untrue because she isn't. OP needs to contact the school and hope they deal sympathetically with this issue. Which is a parental one

RabbitsEatPancakes · 02/10/2025 08:21

I'd be quite upset. Could you get around it by sending packed lunches? I do hot ones in winter.

Most of our schools vegan options are super processed fake meats or just a plain jacket potato. Not healthy at all.

AnneButNotHathaway · 02/10/2025 08:24

pottylolly · 01/10/2025 23:34

You need to explain to the school that she isn’t vegan, and the dad is using it to control her. Make it clear that your daughter should be allowed to freely choose whatever meal she likes. Talk to the head if you need to.

Yes! OP, please, do this!

Unitedthebest · 02/10/2025 08:24

ButterPiesAreGreat · 02/10/2025 00:20

Look at the complaints policy of the school, or go and ask for it. Follow it.

why would you complain to the school? It’s not their fault! They are following what has been written on a form 🤷‍♀️. I completely agree OP should tell the school but complain?! Jesus

Soontobe60 · 02/10/2025 08:24

Woompund · 02/10/2025 07:38

Do you think the father doesn't know that the child isn't vegan with mum? Going to court to adjudicate over a child's diet is the worst possible idea. No parents should be advised to involve the family court in their parenting unless they absolutely have to. If the father knows that the child eats meat with mum then they won't rule that she should not eat meat at school. A court application would be a waste of time.

Show quote history

Why do you assume they would side over the father?

Fetaface · 02/10/2025 08:29

Send packed lunches - sorts out the issue immediately.

Boxboom · 02/10/2025 08:30

pottylolly · 01/10/2025 23:34

You need to explain to the school that she isn’t vegan, and the dad is using it to control her. Make it clear that your daughter should be allowed to freely choose whatever meal she likes. Talk to the head if you need to.

Email this to the HT and ask for a meeting too.
Safeguarding absolutely need to be told, perhaps SS too.
She is very small and he sounds unhinged.

Jellywife · 02/10/2025 08:31

You need to remind Dad you haven’t agreed this and would like to discuss.

Simultaneously you can ask the school’s records be corrected while you come to an agreement.

If he can’t agree you can request mediation and ultimately apply for a specific issues order through the court relating to her diet. Noting she’s been historically raised omnivorous and you’d like her to reach the age where she can make an informed choice.

I’m a vegetarian with vegetarian children but can see he’s game playing

BackToLurk · 02/10/2025 08:32

I don’t understand why a school that allows children to choose a meal in the morning is then telling a child they can’t have what they have chosen. For context, at home my children were/are vegetarian. From nursery they had the option to choose what they wanted outside the home.

Jellywife · 02/10/2025 08:35

BackToLurk · 02/10/2025 08:32

I don’t understand why a school that allows children to choose a meal in the morning is then telling a child they can’t have what they have chosen. For context, at home my children were/are vegetarian. From nursery they had the option to choose what they wanted outside the home.

Our school will ring to check which was helpful the time I assumed the moussaka would be vegetarian and it wasn’t. Mine are recorded as veggy on their school records though (with the prior consent of all with PR)

Woompund · 02/10/2025 08:35

Soontobe60 · 02/10/2025 08:24

Why do you assume they would side over the father?

Show quote history

The court would seek to uphold the status quo. The status quo is that the child isn't vegan. Ordering the school to treat her as if she is when she eats meat with mum would be incoherent and overstepping the authority of the court.