Diet restriction imposed by school and father

[ByMauveEagle]

Hi All, I’ve a little issue that I’d like a second opinion on. I equally share care of 4-year old daughter with her father. She has recently started school and I just noticed that he has entered on her online profile (without consulting me) that she is vegan. It is on the catering staff’s records now and when she chooses a meal in the mornings she is being told “no you can’t have that you’re vegan”. She eats meat-based meals half the days of the week and has eaten meat all of her life. There was one instance lately of her saying “no I don’t eat meat” at home, but since then she declares that her favourite foods are “lamb, meatballs and sausages”. So, as far as the wishes of a 4 year old count, she certainly does not wish to eat only vegan food.

I fear that being labelled vegan will single her out, may affect her healthy attitude towards food (being told that some foods are bad etc), will confuse her when she is denied her choices at school, and more importantly will lead to her saying “I’m not eating that homemade shepherds pie tonight mummy because my teachers say that I’m vegan”.

I fully acknowledge that her dad can prepare any food he wishes at home. But when I am dropping my daughter off in the morning and collecting her in the evening she isn’t by any definition “in his care”. Without both parents’ consent, without a court order setting out her diet, and against her wishes (she is asking for meat and being refused it), I don’t believe it’s a school’s right to dictate to me and my child what she eats and restrict her to a specific diet.

I have suggested a compromise of dad asking her to choose certain vegan dishes on “his” days (the menus are on the school website). Or he could prepare her a packed lunch. But “dad” just ignores me. If I push the issue then I’ll be accused of all sorts: a bad co-parent, hostile etc.

Is this something I can/should do something about? I don’t want this shaping and influencing the rest of her life and being a label placed on her against her (and my) wishes. And I don’t want any instances at tea time where she refuses to eat the meal that’s been cooked for her with her family. If she gets to 12 years old and is adamant that she’s a vegan (or any other choice) then that’s a different story. But she’s little more than a toddler.

Am I being unreasonable in wanting to propose a compromise and to have the school record amended to remove the ‘vegan diet’ requirement?

The school need to advise because presumably both parents are entitled to request certain meals. Lay out the problem and ask what they suggest (obviously in a way that is asking for help rather than complaining as the school aren’t doing anything wrong). You can’t have a situation where you are both changing the child’s status daily because you are both entitled to do so. The ideal would be to let the child choose but probably the father can override that and he sounds like he would.
I think the fact that the child doesn’t eat an 100% vegan diet is a red herring. A request that a child be served vegan food only at school is not an assertion that a child eats that way all the time and any parent could request this for any reason.

She’s 4! She does not have a choice about her diet. Obviously she has some choice about likes and dislikes. But not about what sort of diet she follows. Unless you’re going to say that 4 year olds have a choice about kosher or halal or whether they eat sugar….

The problem with that is the father will quiz the daughter when she is at his house and write a stern letter to the school demanding to know why his vegan daughter was allowed to eat meat. This has to be tackled with a meeting and discussed very carefully.

it might be as a PP suggested that the mother sends the daughter in with her favourite packed lunch on days where she drops off and allows the father to dictate school dinners. It’s really important that the school knows what’s going on though or else well meaning staff will interfere with the packed lunch and prevent the child from eating it.

Oh, and the world is full of children growing up happy and healthy on a vegan diet….

Actually I think veganism or vegetarianism is on par with religion, so that’s an excellent example.

You would be unreasonable to let this continue, you say he will accuse you of being hostile or bad co-parenting if you don't go along with this but isn't that what he's doing by imposing his wants on your child? This isn't a healthy co-parenting set up anyway if you are being steamrollered over.

I will add, I'm vegan myself but my boys are all free to choose what they eat (within healthy limits obviously, not haribo lunch) I don't agree with children being blocked from trying different foods or experiences.

I would request a meeting with the head find out the schools position and go from there.

This is a classic example of why 50/50 parenting doesn’t work if the parents do not get on. That poor little girl is having two completely different up bringings with zero consistency and this is what the courts are telling us is good for children. It’s insanity.

Agreed.

That’s because you are not using dietary restriction as a control mechanism as you are not abusive.

My instinct is the father is utilising his dominance over this matter as a weapon and I’m sure it will happen in many other areas as the child grows older. The mother may not feel strong enough to fight constantly which is why keeping documentation is vital.

If both parents agree she should be vegan/vegetarian/pork free and she's 4 years old then no, she shouldn't be offered the choice. She's not old enough to make her own decisions at 4.

Well the obvious solution is to tell the school that she's not vegan. Dad can choose to feed her vegan food when she is with him but he doesn't get to dictate what she's fed at nursery when her coparent wants her to be able to eat meat. I think it's really unfair to drag the nursery into petty arguments between you and your ex as well. Give the nursery chance at least to rectify the situation. If they continue to insist on giving her a vegan only diet then you have grounds to complain but this is a dispute between you and your ex not a failing of the nursery

I don’t agree and both parents certainly don’t agree in this example.

Independence and confidence are seeded in choice whilst guided by a loving adult. That might be choices in clothing, food, hair styles and toys. That’s literally how we become individuals. Deciding that school-age children have no ability to choose is nonsense.

What’s your relationship like with her father? Could a compromise be reached on vegetarian option at school on his days? I know that isn’t the same as veganism but she wouldn’t get meat, but would get calcium from milk, cheese etc.

At 4 years old???

She knows nothing about nutrition.

The world has gone mad.

Just a note in response to those saying that “if he doesn’t have the right to say daughter as vegan, then she doesn’t have the right to say daughter as non-vegan. It is up to the mum to seek a specific issues order to prevent the school from restricting her diet”
Our daughter is not vegan, she eats meat around half the days of the year. I do have the right to feed our daughter meat and I have done so all her life. I believe the default is to have no restrictions and that any specific dietary restrictions imposed must be done by mutual parental consent or court order.

To those saying “don’t mention it to the father”. My response would be 1) the school have asked that I first seek agreement or compromise with both dad 2) If I also secretly start charging her personal details then I have no moral high ground

I had a friend whose ex decided their 1 year old was vegan (after splitting up with the mum). It was just a way to control and berate the mum and the child.
He wasn't even vegan (was a total knob though..)

Who has the CAO?

This isnt about the school, address this with the father and inform the school of the error.

I'm vegan, my spouse isn't, he's vegetarian.

Our compromise is that our kid largely eats vegan, however when spouse is in charge of food he eats non-vegan. If I'm making the packed lunch, it's vegan. If dad is, it often isn't, it's vegetarian.

School dinners are down as vegan, but if we were bitterly combative towards one another I think it would make more sense for the school to record as vegetarian and the child decide what they want to eat. There's nothing to stop a vegetarian child or an omni child from selecting a vegan meal at school.

I would probably suggest that whoever is 'in charge' of your child on that day, dictates what they eat, and move to packed lunches to make it much easier on his days. You choose what to do on your days. On his days if he's set on her eating vegan, send in with a packed lunch.

She isn't vegan so I would let the school know that she isn't. Plenty of people eat vegan meals at times despite being nonvegan.

That's your approach to parenting and that's your right but others will differ. I do wonder how many choices you give your 4 year old autonomy over!

How is it the schools fault? They’re acting on the information given. People just blame everything on schools 🙄

Why assume there is a CAO?

Well OP can say if there isnt then

And if there isnt, I suggest she gets one asap.

Because without one he has the right to decide day to day care as much as she does. Not that theres a problem with that necessarily, he doesnt agree with her, and she doesnt agree with him.

The only one sounding a little unhinged is yourself.
When we say choices we are talking about choices off a nutritionally balanced menu. We are not suggesting a choice of Haribos, crack cocaine or mud 🤦🏻‍♀️

Oh obviously I am not talking about making every single decision herself! But if she wants to eat meat because she enjoys it, then that should imo be her choice at that age. Do I agree with eating meat? No. But I let my own kids eat it because I respect that they have free will and can, within reason, make their own decisions if it is something they are competent to do.

The child also doesn’t agree with him.