What are your thoughts on this? Don’t know if I’m overthinking or being sensitive. 

[questioningthis1]

I’m not sure if I’m overthinking this. I’ve been seeing someone for over a year. Some of you might recognise previous posts. But I’m going to list a few things here.

I have a three-year-old child. I started seeing a woman over a year ago. It’s been around 15 months.

I recently introduced her to my child.
she doesn’t have kids so I do wonder if this is a factor. I’m also wondering if I’m overthinking things. I’ll shortcut her to ‘DP’ for ease of reading.

We do get on well and when we are together, we have a nice time. But recently she has met up with me when I’m with my daughter. So she’s only recently met her.

obviously, as a list of things, I don’t want it to look all black-and-white. But I’m just going to give a list of some things that have happened that I have been thinking about.

1. My daughter plays a lot of role-play games. She wanted to be the teacher and she wanted me and DP to be the babies. And she told us to go to the baby room which I imagine she hears a nursery.

DP Then said under her breath “No one is telling me what to do” And walked out of the room and went to the toilet. When she returned, she didn’t play the role-play game.

1. My daughter said something quite innocent to me the other day, which was To say “ Mummy, I’m going to call you miss ‘x’” (x being her last name which is the surname of my ex-wife)

DP said “ How did she know that was going to piss you off? How did she know to say something like that to piss you off?”

I replied that it didn’t piss me off. I said she gets called ‘’Miss X’ sometimes and it’s her last name and it didn’t piss me off at all.
Also, my daughter doesn’t know anything about our last names as such because she’s only three so she doesn’t really know that that’s my exes name and not mine etc.

1. My daughter was very excited, not wanting to go to bed one night, running around etc, so I said to DP That I’m just going to see to my daughter and I’ll be downstairs in a bit.

To which DP Replied as she walked out of the bedroom door “ I’ll go downstairs, but she knows what she’s doing”. Which I felt was insinuating my daughter was being manipulative or something like that.

1. I had a workman come round the other day to give me a quote and I asked DP if she would mind keeping my daughter in the living room playing while I spoke to the work man in the kitchen. She said of course that is fine. Within two minutes, my daughter came into the kitchen asking for things. I asked her to go back into the living room. But she wouldn’t. I then heard DP whispering DC’s name a couple of times. Not coming in to get her but just whispering her name from the living room. It was very frustrating trying to talk to the work man. I popped my head into the living room and she was just sat there on her phone. So I kept my daughter in the kitchen while I spoke to the work man.

I will just leave these examples for now.
there are a couple of other things, but I have posted about them separately over the last few weeks.

I don’t know if I’m overthinking. She doesn’t have children. I have enjoyed spending time with her, but since I have introduced her to my daughter, I’m having doubts. I wasn’t having any doubts before this

Red flags, get rid of DP and put your daughter first.

I think you know what you need to do.
Her behaviour around your daughter is not natural. She wants a relationship with you,but finds your daughter a nuisance. It wont get better. Only one solution . You wont like it,but your child comes first. If she cant get on with a 3yr old ,what on earth will she be like when your child gets older?

Your last post there, @questioningthis1 you mention having your own house and business. Is your partner self-sufficient? Does she have an income and know the value of money? I'd be concerned that she's hoping to get her feet under your table and move in. Don't let her take advantage of you.

She really is not a good person.

I hope you realise that and ditch her.

@Yetmorewifework
she works a lot less than me and is renting with a friend currently. I wouldn’t have someone moving in with me and my daughter. I bought this house just for us and I’ve sort of made that clear to her really a while ago. Not that she asked to move in or anything. But I did say this house is for me and DC. I’ve also told her I’m not sure if I’d ever live with someone again (other than DC) so she is aware of that. She’s hinted at getting a house together in the future a couple of times but I’d worry the financial aspect would fall on me so I wouldn’t do that. Along with the fact I don’t think I want to live with a partner again.

That's good. That protects your child. Although it's usually stepdads who physically and sexually abuse children, the wicked stepmother trope exists for a reason. Some women are just not nice to kids who are not their own kids (or even their own kids). Emotional abuse can be devastating too, and little kids just want to be loved, or at least liked.

When I was a young woman, I rather disliked children. I was the sort of person who would (quietly and without making a fuss) ask to be moved away from children in restaurants etc. But even though I found children really annoying (and that all changed after I had my own btw) I was still pleasant to children when I interacted with them, spoke decently to them and paid attention to what they were saying. Nobody would have known I didn't want to talk to their kid, I just wasn't rude enough to show what I was thinking (which was mainly oh please go away).

I can't help but wonder, if she thinks this sort of unkind/disinterested/blaming a child for acting like a child behaviour is ok to voice, what is she really thinking underneath?

But regardless of your different backgrounds or life experiences, basic core values of decency, mutual respect, kindness, acceptance, validation etc are universal.

She doesn’t demonstrate these around your DD OP. You need to stop finding excuses for her.

She’s not good for your DD. And so should not be good for you now OP.

I personally wouldn’t like a person that mutters under their breath in front of others let alone your child. That’s undermining & passive aggressive. And rude.

Or like the attitude of someone that takes offence to & cannot & won’t be “told” by anyone least of all a child. Grim. Someone with a bit of a chip by the sounds of it & control issues.

Turn offs & 🚩

You’re clearly very ambivalent OP. There’s only so much anyone on MN can say. Concerning you’re not accepting the advice (I know you’ve discussed neurodivergent/neurotyoical differences) or for these negative attributes to be enough to make you protectively & instinctively be turned off this woman, in the interests of your child. There’s only so much pple can say to you.

@Fendibag

You’re clearly very ambivalent OP. There’s only so much anyone on MN can say. Concerning you’re not accepting the advice (I know you’ve discussed neurodivergent/neurotyoical differences) or for these negative attributes to be enough to make you protectively & instinctively be turned off this woman, in the interests of your child. There’s only so much pple can say to you.

👏👏

This with bells on

@Mothership4two @Fendibag

concerning I’m not accepting what people say? What makes you think I’m not?

I suppose because you started off voicing the concerns you have over your GF’s behaviour around your child & progressively seem to be giving more & more examples of why she’s usually a decent person.

It comes across like you’re doubling down on what was your initial issue. Maybe the more everyone is “hating” on her, you’re simply trying to defend her.
But that’s going against what the real issues are that everyone is reacting to. It feels wrong that you are not agreeing with the unanimous response to her on here. We are validating your original concerns & you’re still volunteering explanations for why she may be acting like that. Why she is mean & undermining or threatened by your 3 year old, isn’t really relevant. The point is that she is acting that way, period.

I think you’ve had the opportunity to see a different side to her personality that is at odds with the one you’re used to seeing. Which is a good thing, as she’s not quite as wonderful perhaps as you thought she was. But seems like you’re too involved with her emotionally to allow these doubts to take the rightful precedence they should be taking, in your reevaluation of her. That’s all.

Because your comments sound as though you are going to continue the relationship despite the overwhelming advice on here that she is showing red flags and to end it. Also IMO sometimes it comes across as though you are making excuses for her.

If I posted about OH and got such strongly worded advice that was negative towards them, especially if DC were involved also, I would have an equally strong reaction and would comment accordingly. Your way is more nuanced - not necessarily a bad thing - that came across (to me) as quite passive and accepting of her bad behaviour.

I too get the sense that you won’t be ending your relationship anytime soon. Nuance is important in some cases but it can sometimes veer into justifying poor behaviour.

The overwhelming majority of responses have indicated they think your partner is being unkind to your child, based on your relaying of several separate instances. To continue in such a relationship could potentially lead to real emotional harm being done to your 3 year old. I would personally find that unacceptable.

Agree.

I think the reality is that 3 year olds are annoying if you have no emotional connection to them (sometimes even if you do). If you like your DP I’d just reduce the time you spend together as a three as she clearly doesn’t enjoy it and remember your DC won’t always be 3. If you aren’t that keen on DP then I would just end things now and find someone who is into kids and wants to spend time as a 3.

Given that you are not looking to progress any relationship in that way, you have to make a choice of two options:
Leave this partner - she isn’t fit to be around your DD., OR
Go back to how you were before, keeping your DD out of the relationship completely so that they never meet.

Personally, she has shown herself not to be the person you thought she was, so I would want no relationship with her at all, but obviously you know her better than any of us.

Does anyone else on here get the impression that this may be the same person who posted about a female DP who was controlling, but hadn't yet met her child? I may be totally wrong, and am not sure how to check if she has changed her user name, or even if she has, but when I first read the post right back at the start, my immediate thought was of that poster.

The relationship needs to end before your DD gets older and realises your GF doesn’t like her very much and is resentful of her. She either doesn’t like kids or just isn’t natural with them right now because she doesn’t have her own. You need to find a partner who likes kids/ preferably has her own.

She doesn’t understand or seem to like children at all does she? Haven’t you spoken to her about this? You and your child come as a package and she should realise that your child comes first.

Tbh, that makes it even more clear that its a problem. If shes normally great with people including kids, but is weirdly insistent that your little girls behaviour is manipulative, then id be really wary.
I dont mind if people aren't interested in my children, but if someone is actively critical who has no right to be, then thats different.

I would see this as a defining moment