What are your thoughts on this? Don’t know if I’m overthinking or being sensitive. 

[questioningthis1]

I’m not sure if I’m overthinking this. I’ve been seeing someone for over a year. Some of you might recognise previous posts. But I’m going to list a few things here.

I have a three-year-old child. I started seeing a woman over a year ago. It’s been around 15 months.

I recently introduced her to my child.
she doesn’t have kids so I do wonder if this is a factor. I’m also wondering if I’m overthinking things. I’ll shortcut her to ‘DP’ for ease of reading.

We do get on well and when we are together, we have a nice time. But recently she has met up with me when I’m with my daughter. So she’s only recently met her.

obviously, as a list of things, I don’t want it to look all black-and-white. But I’m just going to give a list of some things that have happened that I have been thinking about.

1. My daughter plays a lot of role-play games. She wanted to be the teacher and she wanted me and DP to be the babies. And she told us to go to the baby room which I imagine she hears a nursery.

DP Then said under her breath “No one is telling me what to do” And walked out of the room and went to the toilet. When she returned, she didn’t play the role-play game.

1. My daughter said something quite innocent to me the other day, which was To say “ Mummy, I’m going to call you miss ‘x’” (x being her last name which is the surname of my ex-wife)

DP said “ How did she know that was going to piss you off? How did she know to say something like that to piss you off?”

I replied that it didn’t piss me off. I said she gets called ‘’Miss X’ sometimes and it’s her last name and it didn’t piss me off at all.
Also, my daughter doesn’t know anything about our last names as such because she’s only three so she doesn’t really know that that’s my exes name and not mine etc.

1. My daughter was very excited, not wanting to go to bed one night, running around etc, so I said to DP That I’m just going to see to my daughter and I’ll be downstairs in a bit.

To which DP Replied as she walked out of the bedroom door “ I’ll go downstairs, but she knows what she’s doing”. Which I felt was insinuating my daughter was being manipulative or something like that.

1. I had a workman come round the other day to give me a quote and I asked DP if she would mind keeping my daughter in the living room playing while I spoke to the work man in the kitchen. She said of course that is fine. Within two minutes, my daughter came into the kitchen asking for things. I asked her to go back into the living room. But she wouldn’t. I then heard DP whispering DC’s name a couple of times. Not coming in to get her but just whispering her name from the living room. It was very frustrating trying to talk to the work man. I popped my head into the living room and she was just sat there on her phone. So I kept my daughter in the kitchen while I spoke to the work man.

I will just leave these examples for now.
there are a couple of other things, but I have posted about them separately over the last few weeks.

I don’t know if I’m overthinking. She doesn’t have children. I have enjoyed spending time with her, but since I have introduced her to my daughter, I’m having doubts. I wasn’t having any doubts before this

As a single mum to a child of a similar age myself, I couldn’t be with someone that’s like that with my child. Just think longer term if she’s around your daughter more, she will become more difficult and your daughter will eventually pick up on these odd behaviours and will feel like it’s her fault.
Also, 3 year olds aren’t manipulative and they certainly don’t say things intentionally to piss you off, such a weird thing to say! They push boundaries because they always want more play time, but they’re too young to be manipulative. Your partner really isn’t a natural with children, and her not having children herself doesn’t play a part in that. It’s just her personality.
It’s a shame it’s taken a year to find out, but you also done the right thing waiting. I’d seriously be considering whether to continue this as it’s not fair to your daughter to put her around someone that’s just doesn’t care to get to know her and treat her like the small sweet playful girl she is…

If i were you....?

My priority would be my child on that basis the options would be

A. Shag her when you do not have custody of your child but never cohabit, never plan to marry, never holiday or socialise with "D"P and child ie. no real future

B. Break up now.

This woman cannot signal more clearly to you how deeply unsuited to being a stepparent she will be.

If this is the honeymoon period I dread to think what an absolute shit show it will be if / when she gets pregnant and you have a child together... your poor daughter!

You need to either bin her off entirely or keep her completely separate from.your DD and only see her when DD is not around. She doesn't like your child and I wouldn't allow her to be with her.

Yes I suppose I’m ‘gathering’ things she’s said or done that I haven’t felt ok with, or I’ve had a reaction to internally. Recently she also said “your DC speaks to you like shit sometimes, and I have to remind myself she’s a 3 year old”.

I was really taken back and surprised she said something like that as it seemed out of character really. I told her she doesn’t speak to me like shit. She’s 3 and she sometimes shouts and has meltdowns but she doesn’t speak to me like shit.

Why are you calling her DP? She’s a girlfriend until you move in together and actually get serious for a start. For another she clearly doesn’t like children. I like my own children but am not that keen on other people’s - never have been! And that’s absolutely fine but if you want a step mum substitute then I’d stop looking at this one!

You know when you hear stories of children who were abused and killed by their once-loving parent but turned on them when they were in a new relationship? This is what happens if you stay with her.
You need to leave or she will try and poison you against your daughter.

‘I’ll shortcut her to ‘DP’ for ease of reading’

It must be really hard to have built up your own relationship with her & now are trying to navigate how you all relate with the inclusion of your DD.
But I don’t think she’s prepared or able to “share” you with your DD & is trying to undermine your relationship with your DD. This is a huge red flag OP!! It’s time to separate from her. She’s sounding toxic & not suited to blended relationships or someone with DC. And she may have thought she would be, but really is not. It’s coming out in her criticising & undermining your relationship instead of enjoying & validating it. What she says about you being a mum & having a DD & how she’s acting around you both is showing you that. And I would not really want her around my DD. You know your gut is telling you that.

She is a total bitch , anyone who shows such meanness to an innocent 3 year old child needs ditching now , don't give her even one more chance ,she has shown her true self and if you continue with her your precious little girl will suffer, no two ways about it.
Please do not let this child become another statistic -life badly damaged, possibly ruined by its mother putting their partner before their child.
You get one chance only to give your child a happy childhood , one chance.

Try thinking about it from your DD’s perspective.. how would you feel knowing she is also picking up on this ‘vibe’ from your partner, and her parent is brushing it off instead of prioritising her?

The fact you felt secure until she met your DD says it all, she was fine with you, not the full package. I wouldn’t have anyone in my child’s life who wasn’t adding to it. You already know the answer if you’re posting this.

Eek, it certainly doesn’t bode well! Yet sometimes, speaking from experience, initial awkwardness can be smoothed out with a bit of time and getting to know your child better. Is your DD pretty average in her play etc? I know a friend with DC with demand avoidance who want to be in control all the time and it’s been hard with other people

Please end this relationship. She clearly doesn’t like children and she’s trying to put on an act with your daughter. It’s ok to not like children, but the relationship is going to work.

I've watched too many crime things were the new partner starts of with lunacy like this, it never ends well.
Back in the day, I was the youngest in the family, hadn't ever been around kids as an adult. When I met my first partner's niece, I absolutely loved her immediately, as in, it felt natural to play and to make her happy. Because she was just a child, not to impress anyone.
I wouldn't ever be in a relationship where someone was putting my child down and putting malicious motives on their innocent ways.

She sounds like she could be a little unhinged! A bit Jekyll and Hyde!

I wouldn't trust her with my child.

Put your child first and get rid of this woman.

She is assuming bad motives of your daughter, as if your daughter is trying to annoy you or being manipulative.

Imagine what it would be like for your child if that continues? Just being herself, in her own home, she'd be accused of deliberately causing difficulties when she is only being a 3 year old.

Has your DP ever shown love towards your child?

Big red flags. Stop having her around near your daughter. The “she knows what she’s doing” is pretty scary TBH. Let alone the general crapness/ defensiveness.

It’s a dealbreaker OP. You will find someone else.

@Allthesnowallthetime
i wouldn’t say she’s shown love. Like she has played with her sometimes, and she’ll say nice things about her like telling me she’s very funny and she has a great imagination and she’s very bright. Things like that.

I've read too many news articles about jealous boyfriend/girlfriend's physically assaulting their innocent step kids. Just run and stay away. Not worth the risk

This would be a hard no from me. Your daughter is so small. No relationship is worth putting her in any form of harm’s way.

Absolutely get rid, if she’s saying these things and acting this way in front of you, she should never be left alone with your DD. Some women can’t stand any man paying attention to any other females, even their own daughters, she will chip away at you and your dd until you have no relationship with your dd. Run!

I think that saying nice things about your daughter and asking how she is in text messages is her way of showing you that she is making an effort and trying to care. Ultimately she doesnt really like children so it doesnt come across warmly or sincerely. No doubt your little girl will pick up on this too. I think you probably know what you need to do. Sooner the better for you all. I'm sorry 😞

Run

People who are sure a toddler is being manipulative need to be kept away from toddlers.

That lack of understanding and empathy is both potentially physically risky but also damaging psychologically. 3 years olds pick up on things and she will be getting the negative vibe but is then being taught to override her discomfort because this is your friend and someone you're responding warmly and positively to.

I wouldn't be annoyed or irritated that your dd came through to you in the kitchen while the workman was there - your dd was appropriately seeking your reassurance and safety and removing herself from the woman who makes her feel unsafe or unwanted. Well done to your dd.