What are your thoughts on this? Don’t know if I’m overthinking or being sensitive. 

[questioningthis1]

I’m not sure if I’m overthinking this. I’ve been seeing someone for over a year. Some of you might recognise previous posts. But I’m going to list a few things here.

I have a three-year-old child. I started seeing a woman over a year ago. It’s been around 15 months.

I recently introduced her to my child.
she doesn’t have kids so I do wonder if this is a factor. I’m also wondering if I’m overthinking things. I’ll shortcut her to ‘DP’ for ease of reading.

We do get on well and when we are together, we have a nice time. But recently she has met up with me when I’m with my daughter. So she’s only recently met her.

obviously, as a list of things, I don’t want it to look all black-and-white. But I’m just going to give a list of some things that have happened that I have been thinking about.

1. My daughter plays a lot of role-play games. She wanted to be the teacher and she wanted me and DP to be the babies. And she told us to go to the baby room which I imagine she hears a nursery.

DP Then said under her breath “No one is telling me what to do” And walked out of the room and went to the toilet. When she returned, she didn’t play the role-play game.

1. My daughter said something quite innocent to me the other day, which was To say “ Mummy, I’m going to call you miss ‘x’” (x being her last name which is the surname of my ex-wife)

DP said “ How did she know that was going to piss you off? How did she know to say something like that to piss you off?”

I replied that it didn’t piss me off. I said she gets called ‘’Miss X’ sometimes and it’s her last name and it didn’t piss me off at all.
Also, my daughter doesn’t know anything about our last names as such because she’s only three so she doesn’t really know that that’s my exes name and not mine etc.

1. My daughter was very excited, not wanting to go to bed one night, running around etc, so I said to DP That I’m just going to see to my daughter and I’ll be downstairs in a bit.

To which DP Replied as she walked out of the bedroom door “ I’ll go downstairs, but she knows what she’s doing”. Which I felt was insinuating my daughter was being manipulative or something like that.

1. I had a workman come round the other day to give me a quote and I asked DP if she would mind keeping my daughter in the living room playing while I spoke to the work man in the kitchen. She said of course that is fine. Within two minutes, my daughter came into the kitchen asking for things. I asked her to go back into the living room. But she wouldn’t. I then heard DP whispering DC’s name a couple of times. Not coming in to get her but just whispering her name from the living room. It was very frustrating trying to talk to the work man. I popped my head into the living room and she was just sat there on her phone. So I kept my daughter in the kitchen while I spoke to the work man.

I will just leave these examples for now.
there are a couple of other things, but I have posted about them separately over the last few weeks.

I don’t know if I’m overthinking. She doesn’t have children. I have enjoyed spending time with her, but since I have introduced her to my daughter, I’m having doubts. I wasn’t having any doubts before this

None of this matters...

It's the equivalent of a woman writing
"I haven’t given Information about other aspects of him or his personality. Yes he is a drug addiction/ gambler / whatever but he is kind and gentle and blah blah"

It just doesnt matter what qualities she has.. what you describe in the OP is a deal breaker in the same way being a drug addiction or gambler should be a deal breaker

You would be intentionally introducing damage to your child by continuing to merge lives with this woman.

Shag her and keep her 100% separate (ie no cohabiting no marriage no joint lives) or break up.

She is showing you she is a fundamentally unsuitable life partner.

Ps. Please note: you cant even defend her and write about her good qualities without mentioning something negative/problematic
" She does seem quite passive at times which can be frustrating"
If that isnt your subconscious telling you something I dont know what it is...

Pretend play, a lot of parents struggle with that too, but everything else is very concerning, I would also worried that someone who has spoken that way about your daughter has been left alone with her.

It doesn’t just sound like she doesn’t like children, she sounds actively jealous of your daughter, she is also manipulating you.

Regardless of whether she’s likes kids, she sounds weird. And cold. What’s the point of pursuing the relationship? You don’t sound madly in love, you have no financial or domestic ties and she’s a weirdo.

What the fuck?! If you’re dating somebody with a 3 year old child and that child wants to play babies then that’s what you do! It’s not about you or what you want! No adult ‘wants’ to play babies/role play with dolls but we do it to make our kids happy and to spend time with them.

Weird comment from an adult.

I think how people act with animals and kids is a true reflection of their character and her character isn’t kind. Is jealous and is spiteful. Get rid.

Just this. Simple. ⬆️

OP l was thinking your DP may just be awkward around children if she’s not used to them, but muttering under her breath, refusing to engage in play and accusing your DD of being manipulative ? Just no. She’s sees your DD as an obstacle between the two of you and she’s jealous. It would be a deal breaker for me.

You need to get rid of your DP OP.

She is jealous of your DD and I worry as time goes on what she might potentially do when you're not around. She is jealous of her and that won't change.
She is not for you. Put your DD first.

I’d end this now as if this is what she is like when she’s just met her, dread to think how that resentment will fester over time. She is not someone you want in your child’s life.

The doll game could be that dp is out of her comfort zone. But the snide comments make her sound manipulative. Follow your gut op.

The words “No one is telling me what to do”, said in the context of imaginative play with a three-year-old are very “black and white” as you put it. Disturbingly, menacingly weird. (Almost a bit male!)

Is this person you’re with very young? They sound very immature. And by that I mean self-centred and stupid to the point of cruelty.

There is absolutely no way I would have my child anywhere near anyone who spoke like this.

But being nice in some ways doesn’t counteract the others. You’re getting lots of red flags very early on.

Whatever lovely things she does elsewhere is irrelevant. She is bring horrible about your child and trying to plant seeds for you to think bad thoughts about your 3 year old too. She is poison.
All this is not the acts of someone nervous or trying to make a good impression.
If she's this bad about her now, God help how she would be if you were ever to move in with her and she has her feet truly under the table, feeling like she now gets a say in being able to give punishment. Please walk away and be glad she shown her views early on. Often abusers won't show their face this early on and would have been charming around the child until they get under the same roof

You sound like a very nice person and caring parent. Not sure that i would be labelling DP as such. She does not seem to interact with your daughter very well who sounds like a lovely little girl. Please don't let this person affect your relationship with your daughter. You don't seem to enamoured with said DP. If she is just there as a friend/potential partner, I would be having second thoughts. Partners can be replaced, your children can't. Give this little girl all the attention she needs and play, play, play. A few years down the line this will be gone and you will have a 'school girl' on your hands where you will need to start some structured parenting. Will this current DP be at your side then? Will she, you and your daughter be able to spend days out? Weekends together etc? Doesn't sound like it to me.

I’m sorry to say they are Red Flags OP. I think until you have children of your own it’s difficult to understand how you will always put them first.

I don't think she's awful - she just doesn't get on with children. It might be that she's not used to them or that she doesn't like them, but that doesn't make her awful. It does however mean that she isn't the right person for OP or anyone else with children.

Your doubts are well-founded. It’s clear that your DP is not keen on your DD (or perhaps any small children). Your DD is your first priority so this relationship is not going to work.

The very first scenario is enough for me to know what she's all about imo

Why did you and ex split? The child must have been very young

Has she mentioned shipping her off to boarding school yet ? 👀

She’s building a false narrative of your 3 year old being manipulative, bossy and rude. It’s extremely unfair and could be very damaging to your daughter. Whether she is good with children or not is not relevant, she is not good with your child in your presence and in your child’s own home.

If this was a male partner you would have already ended it imo - she doesn't like your daughter and doesn't care enough to hide it.
Its never going to go anywhere so I'd call it a day personally.

You're being unreasonable for not seeing that this person is being spiteful towards your child. Either they are one of those adults who can't deal with kids and apply adult behaviours to small children, she's jealous of the connection with your ex and taking it out on the child or she doesn't like her and is showing it.

Any of those reasons are dreadful, and she shouldn't be around your kid. She will notice. This person is showing you who they really are.

My dad's girlfriend was like this growing up, she always had a dig about something, there's videos of her snarking in the background about us, someone asked me as a child in school hols are you looking forward to going back to school and when I said yeah I like school she laughed in a spiteful way and said "that's very sad" and twisted her face. Seemingly small things but I remember with such clarity because to a child they're not small things.

I now don't see or speak to her and because of her behaviour escalating over the years and choosing to stay with her my dad doesn't see my sister, her kids, and now the gfs kids have cut her off from themselves and her grandkids that my dad has helped raise too so he leads a very entrenched lonely existence with her now.

100% this ^ very well written, insightful post.

Gf is preparing the ground to make this about your dd being ‘difficult’ when in fact she simply doesn’t want her around. The onus being on the fact her nieces and nephews are effortless and fun, but your dd is demanding and difficult. I’d be extremely wary of this person around such a small, defenceless child.

I know someone who isn’t maternal at all and she genuinely doesn’t want kids at all however there has never been stuff said by her the way your DP talks about your girl. She sounds like she poses future risk and harm to your child. I would end this relationship.