What are your thoughts on this? Don’t know if I’m overthinking or being sensitive. 

[questioningthis1]

I’m not sure if I’m overthinking this. I’ve been seeing someone for over a year. Some of you might recognise previous posts. But I’m going to list a few things here.

I have a three-year-old child. I started seeing a woman over a year ago. It’s been around 15 months.

I recently introduced her to my child.
she doesn’t have kids so I do wonder if this is a factor. I’m also wondering if I’m overthinking things. I’ll shortcut her to ‘DP’ for ease of reading.

We do get on well and when we are together, we have a nice time. But recently she has met up with me when I’m with my daughter. So she’s only recently met her.

obviously, as a list of things, I don’t want it to look all black-and-white. But I’m just going to give a list of some things that have happened that I have been thinking about.

1. My daughter plays a lot of role-play games. She wanted to be the teacher and she wanted me and DP to be the babies. And she told us to go to the baby room which I imagine she hears a nursery.

DP Then said under her breath “No one is telling me what to do” And walked out of the room and went to the toilet. When she returned, she didn’t play the role-play game.

1. My daughter said something quite innocent to me the other day, which was To say “ Mummy, I’m going to call you miss ‘x’” (x being her last name which is the surname of my ex-wife)

DP said “ How did she know that was going to piss you off? How did she know to say something like that to piss you off?”

I replied that it didn’t piss me off. I said she gets called ‘’Miss X’ sometimes and it’s her last name and it didn’t piss me off at all.
Also, my daughter doesn’t know anything about our last names as such because she’s only three so she doesn’t really know that that’s my exes name and not mine etc.

1. My daughter was very excited, not wanting to go to bed one night, running around etc, so I said to DP That I’m just going to see to my daughter and I’ll be downstairs in a bit.

To which DP Replied as she walked out of the bedroom door “ I’ll go downstairs, but she knows what she’s doing”. Which I felt was insinuating my daughter was being manipulative or something like that.

1. I had a workman come round the other day to give me a quote and I asked DP if she would mind keeping my daughter in the living room playing while I spoke to the work man in the kitchen. She said of course that is fine. Within two minutes, my daughter came into the kitchen asking for things. I asked her to go back into the living room. But she wouldn’t. I then heard DP whispering DC’s name a couple of times. Not coming in to get her but just whispering her name from the living room. It was very frustrating trying to talk to the work man. I popped my head into the living room and she was just sat there on her phone. So I kept my daughter in the kitchen while I spoke to the work man.

I will just leave these examples for now.
there are a couple of other things, but I have posted about them separately over the last few weeks.

I don’t know if I’m overthinking. She doesn’t have children. I have enjoyed spending time with her, but since I have introduced her to my daughter, I’m having doubts. I wasn’t having any doubts before this

I would break up. Not worth the hassle.

She not only doesn't understand children, she doesn't like your daughter.

This cannot work op.

Personally, I think this age is the worst age to introduce a new serious partner. Your child needs you too much for you to be able to have the healthy distance you need between a young child and a new partner. It is unreasonable to expect them to want to play "babies" with a small child they don't know, and really you don't want someone who is overly enamoured and interested in spending inordinate amounts of time with your kid, anyway, as that is not healthy and a potential red flag.

I think at this age, an occasional meal out for a few hours is what is right. Most of the time you see this woman should be when your child is elsewhere for short dates and overnights. I don't think a new, serious relationship is a realistic, healthy proposition when you have a 3 year old. You might meet at 3 and then around 7 or 8, you can start to think about being a couple.

Yes I am.aware that might mean you only see each other every couple of months but I don't think anyone is entitled to a relationship as such. Your daughter is entitled to a healthy childhood and attentive parenting, though.

She sounds absolutely deranged. To imply that a 3 year old child is manipulative is beyond ridiculous. Avoid this person at all costs. I would never allow this person to be with my child at all. Absolutely wouldn't trust them.

I had a friend like this. She desperately wanted children but had never been around them at all. Had one eventually, late in life and is much better, but when mine was small, just nothing instinctive in her head about minding a child for a few mins or just kinda seeing the child as an adult and decoding their behaviour in that way.

Also, other people's kids are really annoying and hard work, whereas mine is perfect and fun to hang out with 😊😄

So many red flags. Someone who is jealous of a 3 year old is not someone I would want to be around.
It sounds as though her personality changes when your daughter is there and that would really worry me.
If she’s like that when you are there what might she be doing/ saying if left alone with your daughter?
Ditch her now and keep her away from your daughter. Better not to take the risk.

Leaving aside a partner, I’d be horrified if a new friend thought my 3 year old was being manipulative and then actually voiced that to me. Harsh and rude.

As others have said, some people feel awkward playing with little kids, but it’s revealing of their personality that they can’t see it as a simple joy. 3 year olds are great fun.

She doesn’t seem the right person for you. TBF, we’re all different and not everyone will enjoy dating someone with a little kid they’re expected to play with. But sounds like that’s what you need to progress a relationship.

IMHO best to keep new partners pretty separate to kids. If kids get attached and then you break up, can be tough and confusing for them.

You asked her to keep your daughter occupied for a few minutes, she promptly went on her phone and ignored her, then the sum total of her efforts to bring her back into the room was to whisper her name a couple of times. She muttered “no one is telling me what to do” under her breath, insinuating that your daughter was being bossy, in earshot of you. Do either of these incidents feel like somebody “trying to make a good impression” to you?

”How did she know that was going to piss you off?” - she was accusing your 3 year old daughter of deliberately trying to be hurtful (and misrepresenting your reaction as ‘pissed off’). ”She knows what she’s doing” - she was accusing your daughter of being manipulative. “Your daughter speaks to you like shit” - implying your daughter doesn’t respect you, judging both her behaviour and your parenting. Do these comments feel like the behaviour of somebody who’s nervous because they’re not used to being around children, or is she showing that she’s confident enough to share negative opinions about your child?

Looking at all of this together, does her behaviour support her claim that she’s nervous and trying to make a good impression? Or is it possible that she’s unpleasant, manipulative, willing to “speak to you like shit” about your daughter, and is projecting her own negative qualities onto a toddler?

She’s a walking red flag; I wouldn’t have her around your child ever again.

She’s not kind or wonderful to or about your daughter. Anyone accusing a three year old of deliberately trying to piss you off or being manipulative is not only unwanted in that child’s life, but is dangerous to have around them. Basic safeguarding rules are already broken. I would not leave my child (even in the front room whilst talking to a workman) alone with this woman. Unfortunately, that would mean the end of the relationship you thought you had with your DP.

You mention previous posts about this relationship OP. I would say if you feel the need to seek advice from strangers on mumsnet it probably isn't the right relationship for you.

Which mumsnet is brilliant for, no criticism there at all . I'm guessing it has saved thousands of women from dead end or worse relationships over the years.

But I agree with PPs, your DP doesn't sound like a good match for your kid. They aren't really novice mistakes they are utter lack of like or understanding of kids mistakes and there's too much work to do to put that right. If it can be righted.

How much of your time together is your daughter there?

But no, this person doesn't like children. I would NEVER leave your DD alone with her. I'd also tell her to stop saying sarky things about your DD too because you'll pick your DD first every time.

@questioningthis1 i wouldn’t trust her alone with my dd.
She sounds nasty and definitely jealous of your dd and the attention she gets .
She is accusing your 3yr old of being manipulative

This person isn’t right for your family . I’d end it.

I think this is kind of worse than not liking children. She sounds extremely emotionally immature.
She could not like children but be polite about it, but she seems to have real insecurity issues around your daughter and assumes your 3 year old child is somehow out to wreck your relationship?!
I don't think this would work out even if you didn't have a child. This person needs to grow up.

“We get on well”

“We have a nice time”

“I have enjoyed spending time with her”

Sounds like you are talking about an acquaintance or your next door neighbour. Not your new partner of a year. At this stage you should still be pretty excited to be with them, full of lust, lots of excitement for the possible future together, talk about each other in glowing terms etc. They way you describe her is very meh 🤷🏼‍♀️

And that’s before you add in the fact that she doesn’t like your daughter and resents your daughter having any of your attention.

Walk away.

You could tell us 100 great things about her but it doesnt negate the bad things. Especially when it comes to your child.

Your gut ia telling you something is not right. That's why you wrote this post. Listen to it.

If you really want to stay in this relationship, keep your child out of it. Do not have this person around her.

@Hollietree
I think a while ago I would’ve been describing her very different, and I would’ve been saying how brilliant she is which is what I was telling my friends at the time.

It’s been the last couple of months since she’s met my daughter that changed me and I’m not really describing her in that way anymore. Because something has shifted in me and I know I don’t feel the same. So I suppose I’m not really describing her as dazzling as I was for that first year

Part of your job as parent is to protect your DD from harm. This person does not seem able to handle a small child appropriately and has strange and worrying notions, so I'd be ending it I'm afraid. Too many warning bells that this isn't going to work out and your DD will be the one ending up damaged.

Yes this. Protect your child. If you feel uneasy it’s because you have seen something don’t ignore it.

It does sounds like jealously.

Your daughter is only 3, very cute age and I can't understand anyone being mean to a 3yo (let alone make those comments she's made - very toxic!). Your DP sounds like an angry and petty person; tread with caution, I think she will become the evil step-mother if you carry on with her.

@Yellowmellowmarshello
The thing is, she doesn’t seem to have an angry bone in her body. That’s what surprised me so much. She never has a bad thing to say about anybody. She always has a very positive attitude. So it was quite a big contrast really to how I’ve seen her.
having her making these comment surprised me so much because it’s so different to how she usually is.

Indeed. There be reasons for that!

Have you had an honest chat with her about it? 15 months isn't honeymoon period anymore so maybe she is slowly starting to show her true colours? I may be overly cynical.. I do think it takes a special person to love someone else's child, not everybody has that capacity.

How old is she?

100% this.

To me, as a survivor of DV and whose best friend had a same sex relationship where the woman ended up being extremely violent, coercive and controlling towards her and her children, all this behaviour towards/around OPs daughter comes off as a red flag.

That discomfort you're feeling OP is your natural instinct telling you to get the hell away from this woman.

OP, have you heard of the awful death of Star Hobson? A lot of what you describe your partner saying is very similar to what her mother's girlfriend said, essentially attributing malice and manipulation to the child.

Step-parents are the people most likely to harm a child. It doesn't matter how nice she is to you, any suggestion that she isn't nice to your child and you need to get rid. You are putting your child at risk of you don't break up with her immediately.

I get that. And she might be lovely with you, but it sounds like she isn't with your daughter.

You are your daughter's voice, she is vulnerable and cannot advocate for herself. If you have even an inkling that something isn't right (and it seems to be the case) then you have to end this relationship.

There is not a chance I'd let someone around my DC who wasn't completely enthusiastic about him and more importantly, kind to him.