What are your thoughts on this? Don’t know if I’m overthinking or being sensitive. 

[questioningthis1]

I’m not sure if I’m overthinking this. I’ve been seeing someone for over a year. Some of you might recognise previous posts. But I’m going to list a few things here.

I have a three-year-old child. I started seeing a woman over a year ago. It’s been around 15 months.

I recently introduced her to my child.
she doesn’t have kids so I do wonder if this is a factor. I’m also wondering if I’m overthinking things. I’ll shortcut her to ‘DP’ for ease of reading.

We do get on well and when we are together, we have a nice time. But recently she has met up with me when I’m with my daughter. So she’s only recently met her.

obviously, as a list of things, I don’t want it to look all black-and-white. But I’m just going to give a list of some things that have happened that I have been thinking about.

1. My daughter plays a lot of role-play games. She wanted to be the teacher and she wanted me and DP to be the babies. And she told us to go to the baby room which I imagine she hears a nursery.

DP Then said under her breath “No one is telling me what to do” And walked out of the room and went to the toilet. When she returned, she didn’t play the role-play game.

1. My daughter said something quite innocent to me the other day, which was To say “ Mummy, I’m going to call you miss ‘x’” (x being her last name which is the surname of my ex-wife)

DP said “ How did she know that was going to piss you off? How did she know to say something like that to piss you off?”

I replied that it didn’t piss me off. I said she gets called ‘’Miss X’ sometimes and it’s her last name and it didn’t piss me off at all.
Also, my daughter doesn’t know anything about our last names as such because she’s only three so she doesn’t really know that that’s my exes name and not mine etc.

1. My daughter was very excited, not wanting to go to bed one night, running around etc, so I said to DP That I’m just going to see to my daughter and I’ll be downstairs in a bit.

To which DP Replied as she walked out of the bedroom door “ I’ll go downstairs, but she knows what she’s doing”. Which I felt was insinuating my daughter was being manipulative or something like that.

1. I had a workman come round the other day to give me a quote and I asked DP if she would mind keeping my daughter in the living room playing while I spoke to the work man in the kitchen. She said of course that is fine. Within two minutes, my daughter came into the kitchen asking for things. I asked her to go back into the living room. But she wouldn’t. I then heard DP whispering DC’s name a couple of times. Not coming in to get her but just whispering her name from the living room. It was very frustrating trying to talk to the work man. I popped my head into the living room and she was just sat there on her phone. So I kept my daughter in the kitchen while I spoke to the work man.

I will just leave these examples for now.
there are a couple of other things, but I have posted about them separately over the last few weeks.

I don’t know if I’m overthinking. She doesn’t have children. I have enjoyed spending time with her, but since I have introduced her to my daughter, I’m having doubts. I wasn’t having any doubts before this

But you cant balance these instances out with being nice elsewhere. It doesn't work like that. It only applies if say she's so lovely to you but can be a bit moody with you if she's tired, that's a tit for tat. Not "she's short with and about my toddler but she's got other lovely qualities.

The behaviour she's showing can't be absolved by being nice elsewhere. It should be such a deal breaker, this is a little tiny child we're talking about not wanting to be in a room with her.

People mentioned Star Hobson case is interesting because I thought of that too, not that your partner would do that but more that the comments and her attitude you've described is VERY similar to how the partner of Star's mum spoke about Star in texts and to people. Doesnt mean she'd escalate but it makes for uncomfortable reading.

She doesn't sound very emotionally mature to feel comfortable talking about your child that way, and I wonder what thoughts she harbours that don't come out of her mouth, if she's willing to say even what she has to you!

Oh @questioningthis1 your wee girl sounds lovely. A proper three year old, learning she can have a voice and influence things. I can see how challenging that is, if you're not a child-friendly person. I think you're seeing the flaws now because they're directed at your daughter, and you don't have the same rose -tinted specs. Weigh everything up, but I wouldn't be holding my breath for her to become your daughter's biggest fan. Be in no doubt, any partner you have must be her biggest fan, alongside you. Especially if that relationship is to go the distance.

That makes more sense to me now, and I am not using it against you. I think it just makes more sense to me now that you haven't interpreted this situation in the same way (initially at least) as the majority of neurotypical people on this thread. And are taking more time to process the many warnings people are giving you.

Some of your responses to comments make it seem as if you're backpeddling and trying to give your partner the benefit of the doubt. This may not be your intention btw, just it on the surface seems as if you aren't taking on board the warnings.

*edit for spelling

I would be fearful for my DC staying in the relationship.

Like fuck would i pretend to be a baby because a 3yr old wanted me to! Op just see her when your kid's not around.

It’s called "imaginative play"…

Yes I know. They can do that with other kids.

I don't like the sound of her comments when you are with your daughter.
Don't think about it anymore I'd tell her it's not working.
There are plenty of good people out there don't waste time & effort on a grown women who sounds jealous of a little 3 year old.

It seems she doesn't want to be involved with parenting, there's no point pushing it, just call time on it.

Have you dumped her yet?

I don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting to engage in role play games but don't you think the "no one tells me what to do" comment was a bit weird? She could have just said she didn't want to play.

From what you've wrote she dislikes/ hates your daughter.

Please don't put your daughter through this at her age.

In my opinion YABU for still being in a relationship with her.

Yeah but it's what you say.

I wouldn't do it either.

But would probably just laugh and say not today or something. Or redirect her attention to soft toys she can use instead.

I wouldn't do it. But it's the way she responded like she was having a strop.

This
Its unlikely to improve.

Hey op I would think if she’s not used to kids she might not feel comfortable or understand kids play up. Dp might be thinking I want to spend time with you not her. Kids try to avoid bed get excited but if you’re seeing it as negative how is your dd seeing her. Kids expect adults to be smiley, friendly and want to play etc. Maybe ask your dp if she is comfortable with your dd no point spending time with out her then the time comes when you want to take it further then she shows her true colours. If I hadn’t been around kids I wouldn’t know how they behave how they need your attention constantly but she has to know you can’t sit on your phone if minding a toddler eyes are needed all the time.

That makes more sense to me now, and I am not using it against you. I think it just makes more sense to me now that you haven't interpreted this situation in the same way (initially at least) as the majority of neurotypical people on this thread. And are taking more time to process the many warnings people are giving you.

It's possible it's not relevant and OP can use opinions any way she wants to - but I have ASD and ADHD and I can assure you that her DP's behaviours sent a shiver up my back too. I would bet my house that my DM's new partner, my SDad, was also nice as pie with many decent qualities to start with, or I doubt she would have married him in the first place. But he absolutely was not an appropriate person to be stepparenting and the abusive comments he made to my siblings and I have damaged us all. (We did complain to DM and she brushed it off, which is something I have never forgiven her for, and I doubt I ever will tbh.)

It's harder when you're in a relationship where everything seems good, bar a couple of little things, to realise just what an impact those little things are. It doesn't matter how good it is outside the bad, because for OP's tiny, vulnerable little child, that bad can do so much irreparable harm. I would not want to risk my child's well-being for a relationship with anyone. Nothing is more important than the child's welfare, nothing.

I agree. I'm just trying to understand the OP better, and I can see other MNers getting really frustrated at the peddling back and seemingly not taking warnings of abuse on board. I wondered if there was something else at play here, and it was not the OP actively trying to ignore advice.

I would be concerned
Your daughter will begin to recognise that she has to compete with partner , it’s going to cause no end of tensions
At best, a toxic home life, at worst a safeguarding issue

Gosh I don't think this sounds great OP. I mean that's how 3 year olds play: you be this and I'll be that. It's not 'telling someone what to do'. If your partner is like this only after a short time, ie not making an effort to engage with your daughter in a patient, loving manner I worry how she'll be in say 2 years' time. I personally wouldn't be comfortable with someone who acts like this. I guess it depends if you want to become more closely involved or not. If you want to keep separate lives then it might be OK but if you moved in together it might become very problematic. Good luck xxx

She’s still a child herself and one that isn’t very good at sharing. That would be a no for me

Some people are dangerous to have around children even if they aren't necessarily violent...

My niece left her partner because he was convinced their BABY (who was less than 12 months old) was manipulating them, this went on for months while baby was teething etc) she ended up leaving him when he physically blocked her from going to their son when he was really distressed because she had to stop 'coddling' him... (Baby ended up in ER that night - he had a viral infection) he could have died....

@swingingbytheseat
I Think that is what I am wondering. If some of this is childlike, immature behaviour.

We have different kind of lives even though we are the same age.
ive been married and divorced. I own a house and run a business.
her situation is quite different and I think I’ve sort of had to ‘grow up quicker’ so I had to be financially responsible amongst other things from very young.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

For heaven’s sake, she is 40!

Op, I have a daughter - I love her to bits. She is MY baby and god knows, the things I do to make her smile…she can walk but sometimes wants to have a crawling competition- which I do - even though we really really need to get out the door to be somewhere on time!

would I play with your kid in the same way - no.

could it just be she just isn’t into your daughter as you are? Some people are awkward around other people’s kids.
I like life drama free - best to just end it as your spidy senses are telling you something isn’t right - listen to it!